Wednesday, March 11, 2009
This path the Lord has me on these days has caused me to re-evaluate my priorities. After what I have shared with others as the "phone call that changed my life", my choices have been more definite, more thought through, and definitely, less emotional. Because my dad was so involved with people all the time, he often would share that he was very selective about who he spent his "free" time with. I find myself becoming more and more like that. Something cancer does, like nothing else, is make you really look at everything you do in life. Really look at what you are doing, and why you are doing it. Is it worth your time? Is it worth your effort? As my family and I walk this path, the world seems to keep going on with their very busy lives. I remember feeling that same way when we were dealing with daddy and leukemia. I would end up at Wal-Mart at 10 o'clock at night, because it was the only time I had to go! And as I would be standing there in line, waiting at the check-out, I would find myself thinking, "all these people, going and doing, they don't have a clue what is going on in my life, or what crisis I am dealing with!" That has not changed today. In this fast paced society we live in, we go, we do, we are so busy, that we barely have time for relationships. A crisis always seems to make people slow down, ask questions, get involved, possibly form relationships. I have gotten lots of letters and cards, and phone calls from people who use to be part of my life. We use to talk often. We even got together once a month, at least, for coffee, or dinner! But then life took over, we got busy, and when you don't make time for relationships, you don't have relationships. As my one friend said, we have a "low maintenance relationship". It doesn't take much work for our relationship to remain strong and steady. We may not see each other for months, or even share a conversation for more than a month, but when we do find the time to talk, it is as if we talk daily. We have that kind of close relationship. I have noticed that in this society of technology, chats and emails have taken the place of real, REAL, conversation. In chats, there is no emotion, just the sharing of facts. Often, easily, things can be misinterpreted, because of the lack of emotion, or voice inflection. And, truthfully, one can actually be involved, sort of, in one's life, meaning, know what is going on in their life, the day to day things, without ever talking to them! Like Facebook, for instance. All I have to do is sign on every day, and know how the weather is in Colorado Springs, where my sister lives, even know what she is having for dinner, or that her garage door is broken! Or that my other sister's basement is flooded due to all the recent rain and storms they are having in the Chicago area. I can know when my niece has had a "misunderstanding" with her boyfriend. All of this can be accomplished without so much as a phone call. Without reaching out and "touching", as the commecials use to say. I do have one friend, you know who you are, who refuses to even get a FACEBOOK account for this reason. She says, she prefers conversation, old fashioned, using the phone, hearing a voice conversation. I agree with her for the most part. I prefer that myself! But, in order to even try and be involved in family that is scattered all across the country, I put up with.....technology. But, I freely admit, it leaves me wanting more. I want close personal relationships. My mom has been with her friends in Little Rock since March 2nd, when I took her down there. I am use to talking to my mom every day, twice a day. And I admit....I have missed her!! I miss the conversation with my mom. I was not able to call her for the first few days after my chemo, because my voice always gets very weak and barely audible. But once I got my voice back, I called her. She actually sounded glad to talk to me!! She laughed, and said she was having a great time! I then went a couple days and didn't call her. Thelma called me!! "Your mom says you haven't called and she was just wondering what your up to!" I laughed out loud! Routine is a good thing! I am supposed to drive down there and get mom on Saturday, and I can't wait! This was supposed to be a "break" for me, as some said, "take advantage of this time for yourself!", "get some rest". I miss my mom!!! I am glad she is having a good time, but I am equally glad that she will be home again, soon. I have not been able to go up there and clean her house, like I wanted to do for her before she got back home. I have not been able to go in her office and do the filing for her, like I wanted to do. But, those things are not as important as I once thought they were! It has become more important to me to just spend time with my mom. I enjoy sitting in the chair, watching Murder She Wrote with her, chatting about life in the small town we live in. Someone asked me this week, why I deleted such and such from my friend list on Facebook. I said, well, actually, I only got on there to keep up with my kiddos and their lives. And then, slowly, it grew into this person wants to be your friend, and this person wants to be your friend. Now I have like 170 "friends" that are not really friends! Meaning, young teens, pre-teens, daughters of friends, sons of friends, friends of friends! So, on one particular day that I signed on, and got umpteen status updates on what they all were doing, what group they were joining, I thought, this is so stupid. We have nothing in common, and I truly don't have time for this. I deleted them!! Several of them!! Don't take it personal if you were one that got deleted. Just ask yourself, when was the last time I actually talked to her anyway?? If you have not talked to me, or had coffee with me, or spent an evening at Steak N Shake with me, I am sure it is not going to be a great huge hole in your social life!! I just decided, there is a difference between "friends", and someone I know, vaguely. But, in the event it does bother you, and offends you in some way....call me, on the phone, and I will add you again!! LOL!! So there!! I have just decided that I want to surround myself with actual caring Christian people. People who know Christ, and will keep me accountable for what I do and what I say, and how I say it! I have never been one that holds to "fluff". Give me substance. Character matters to me. I want to see character. I want to see honesty. I don't care for "fake" friendships, or people who use people. I want to see respect return to our society. I still believe in the old ideals of women are to be treated with respect, and people should guard their language when in the presence of women and children. If they use "barn language" around me, it infers that they either don't respect me, or don't think I am a lady! Either one will get my dander up!! I am just an old fashioned kind of gal, I guess. I know that the company I keep, says something about who I am. So I am careful about who I spend time with, and the activities I spend my time involved in. I have been known to tell my kids, my teens, in the past, that if you listen to that angry music, it tends to make you angry! I don't have so much of a problem with that anymore, since they don't listen to angry music anymore, teehee. But, I do notice that when I get onto one of them, one of the teens, you can almost clock it, how quickly the radio gets turned on, and onto a certain station. Funny how that works. We use to say, in the computer world, "garbage in, garbage out". If you are angry, are discontent, you can always find a station that will feed that mindset. But, if you are a strong enough Christian to actually fight that, then you can find good solid music that will put you back in the right frame of mind. Be a thermostat!! Not a thermometer! You can set the mood of your day, just by the choices you make in the music you listen to. The radio station you listen to can make all the difference. Like I say, "happiness comes from outside circumstances, but joy....comes from the Lord!" Choose Joy!! Don't let Satan steal it away, in these days when so many are so quick to say over and over, "it's gonna get worse before it gets better!!" We belong to the Lord! If we truly put our faith and trust in God, then we have no right to go around down in the dumps, depressed, upset, anxious. I don't know what God has in store for me, but I do know that I trust HIM! So, I am not going to try and second guess what is up, or what is around the corner. I trust Him. So, whatever He has for me, I can put one foot in front of the other, and walk the path. The outcome doesn't matter.