Friday, December 21, 2012


I find myself reminiscing more and more these days of things of the past.  Moments in time, memories that both bring me joy and bring me pain.  There is something about losing a loved one that makes you look at everything with a different eye.  It is a constant battle to not over-analyze things that are in the past.  We all have a tendency to compare.  That is a bad thing.  We compare the behavior of one child to another.  BAD. We compare the relationship with a family member, the way it is now, to the way it was in the past.  If it was always good in the past, and you had what you thought was a close relationship in the past, and then something happened and now it is not that way, then you have a tendency to question if it ever was truly the way you perceived it to be.  I believe that to be Satan, poisoning our thoughts.  Satan is alive and well, roaming to and fro, seeking whom he may devour.  My daddy used to tell me that our greatest weakness is an unguarded strength.  If you perceive your marriage to be rock solid, and yet you do nothing to protect it, believing it doesn't need protection, because after all, it is rock solid, then from out of nowhere, Satan will throw something into that situation and then suddenly, you find yourself looking at your marriage and comparing it to others' and before you know it, mistrust and doubt creep in and Satan probably smiles.  Another piece of wisdom from my daddy was that if there was a breakdown in your communication between you and your husband, and that relationship was broken in some way, then your prayers regarding other areas of your life would not go past the ceiling.  God wants us to focus on making that relationship right before we go praying for other things in our life.  I miss that man, my daddy.  He always had just the right things to say, just what you needed to hear to wake you up, and help you get focused on the important things again.  And before I go any further, my marriage is not in trouble.  My husband and I are just fine, and he truly is my best friend, my best supporter in life, and loves me in spite of all my weaknesses.

My brother and his wife were here this past weekend.  We had a good visit, lots of laughter and tears, as we talked of memories we had of mom and dad, and other siblings.  We talked and shared that we both missed those days when all of us would get together for family functions.  My brother didn't have as many opportunities to share those past holidays because of life obligations.  When we are young, our career, our children, etc., seem to dictate how we should spend our time and energies.  Before we know it, our family is gone and we are filled with regret over life choices.  Like the song lyrics of the "Cats in the Cradle", "I'd like to see you, if you don't mind.  I'd love to Dad, if I could find the time.  The new job's a hassle and the kids have the flu, but it's sure nice talking to you, Dad, it's sure nice talking to you."  I used to have a neighbor down the road, and she would stop in on her way past my house on the way to town, or from town, and want to sit and visit over coffee or tea.  At the time, it was always an inconvenient time for me.  I was busy raising my kiddos, trying to home school them around my own always busy life.  She looked me square in the eye one time and said "if you don't make time for relationships, you won't have relationships".  That was one of those "aha!" moments for me.  She was right.  The moments in our lives that seem to take up all of our time, the times that make us so busy that we do not have time to sit down and have coffee with a friend that stopped by, or sit down and take the time to call a friend and have a heart to heart over the phone, each of us having coffee in our own homes, while we pour out our hearts, vent, or whatever we need.  Those moments are what I am missing.  I had lots of those moments with my daddy and my momma.  We lived in the same community for over 30 years, so they were part of my everyday life, in ways I took for granted.  I miss the heart to heart talks I used to have with my sisters.  We all had little kids, growing up and parenting them, it always seemed to make the day easier with just a phone call or computer chat with my sisters.  It didn't happen daily, but it happened.  Life has gone by way too fast, and things have happened that don't allow for that anymore.  Our children got older, life got busier and we had less and less in common.  I am not even sure what it was, or when it happened.  I just sit and ponder those days now, and wonder how we let that relationship wither.  And what comes to my mind are the words of my friend that reminded me "if you don't make time for relationships, you won't have relationships".

I need more coffee......