Tuesday, February 17, 2009

This morning, I got up, showered, and went downstairs and turned on my radio....my normal routine. Every day, I am trying to re-claim my energy. Keith says he has noticed that with each new treatment, it doesn't hit me as hard, but it does seem to "linger" longer. I think I agree with him. Usually, when I have my treatment on Wednesday, by Monday, I am up to driving a car. Yesterday, no way was I up to driving a car. My monthly home school support group meeting was last nite. And normally, I would have driven up there and joined my girlfriends for my monthly night out. But yesterday, I could just tell, my energy level was not there. My "energy bank" was low. This morning, I was trying to push the envelope so to speak. I have read on-line that you have more energy if you get up and force yourself to walk or be active. So, I was doing just that. I was downstairs, delegating the kiddos through their morning routine chores of feeding and breakfast clean up chores. And of course, was listening to my regular preachers in the background. Around, say 10 o'clock, Keith called to see how my day was going. I told him I was doing ok, and felt better today. He said, "good, because I need you to do something for me, if you are up to it." He had blown the hydraulic line on his skid steer, and needed some specific tools to fix it. So, after listening to what he needed and where they were, I again delegated that info to the boys to go load in my burb. And, ready or not, got in my car and drove 42 miles to his job site. Once there, he unloaded the tools, thanked me, and I then drove to mom's to hang with her for the day. Of course, by then, it was lunch time, so I called her and asked her what her lunch plans were. She said, she would put a pizza in, come on by. I stopped at the bottom of the hill and picked up some drinks and a salad for us to split, to add to the pizza. After lunch, we popped in a dvd of daddy and began to watch it. Mom did great, as she commented on the crowd at the church "back then", and the different people she saw in the crowd. As we were enjoying those moments, Janet Goodwin knocked on the back door. She came in and joined our "church service". Then, within 15 minutes or so, my daughter, Kelly, came walking in the door as well. We all sat and visited for a good 2 hours or so. It was a good afternoon. Around 3 or so, Janet said she had to go pick up her grandson, so she left. Kelly followed her out, at the same time. I started getting my stuff together to leave as well, and mom gave me several things to "take to the farm animals". On the way home, I was pondering the afternoon. It never fails to amaze me how good God is. I enjoyed watching mom tell Janet about her drive over to House Springs on Sunday, "all by myself". She then went in to telling her how she felt she was beginning to accept this path the Lord had her on, and if she was going to go anywhere and do anything, she was going to have to be willing to do it herself, even if it was hard to do. My momma does have early stages Alzheimer's, yes, she has memory issues, but for the most part, she is still a very strong woman, with a very strong will. We sat there this afternoon, and she was telling us how Martha had called and invited her down there to stay for 2 weeks, and that Thelma had called and basically put this road trip together. Then she turned to me and said, "we are taking your car, right?" I laughed out loud!! I'll let you know how that turns out. But the plan, today, is to take mom to Portageville, pick up Thelma, and drive them both down to Little Rock on March 2nd. I will spend the night, and then on the 3rd, I will leave them both there and drive back home. On March 4th, is my next treatment of chemo. It is also my last treatment of these particular drugs, FEC. Twenty one days after that, March 25th, I start my weekly treatments with two different drugs, Paclitaxol and Herceptin. I do that weekly for 12 weeks. Everything I read on line says those two drugs together have a whole different set of side effects. So, folks, I am praying now, and would like very much for all you to as well. I don't mind side effects, but just want them to be "doable". But, I am willing to take whatever it has to offer. (Like I have a choice....) So far, the nausea has been controlled by the drugs. The most annoying thing, as I have shared before is this extreme fatigue. The general overall feeling of "blaaaahhhh". But, the silver lining to this cloud, is the patience I have with the kids. I find myself taking more time to explain things, the "heart of the matter" so to speak. Today, we had another of our heart to heart talks about how God looks at your heart, not just your actions. God cares as much if not more about the WHY you are doing what you are doing, than He does the fact that you are doing it. So don't camp out and dwell on the fact that "at least I am doing it". We need to have joy. Emotions are a misleading thing. We can't let our emotions decide how we respond to external influences. A favorite quote around here is "be a thermostat, not a thermometer!" But, I am extremely grateful that I have the opportunity to spend the time with my kids that I do. Some days I appreciate that opportunity more than others. I pray that I do not take that for granted anymore, and that God will continue to help me lead these kids towards a life of loving and serving Jesus. But more importantly, God will continue to use me, and help me to understand that the results are in HIS very capable hands. I actually pulled a book off of my bookshelf this evening that I had not read in a very long time. But, the Lord put it on my heart, and I went looking for it this evening. It was a bible study I did many many years ago. I had written inside the front cover, the date we actually did that Bible Study....1990! Yea, folks, that's going back a few years. But the name of the book is called, "Lord, Change Me". It is by Evelyn Christenson. It was a very very good bible study. The Lord used it way back then, to teach me to stop praying the Lord would change my husband, or my kids, or my situation, or whatever, and change ME! It was a powerful study. It helped me to see that my joy was directly related to how much time I spent in the word. And if I had no joy in my daily life, I wasn't very pleasant to be around. People just don't want to be around negative people. If we are to be Christ to those around us, we need to have joy!! Otherwise, why would they want what we have? So, the challenge here is, get in the WORD!! The more time spent reading God's word, the more it shows up in our attitude, our spirit, our daily lives. The Bible says, "they will know we are Christians by our love." Lord, help me to make these choices, daily......LOVE, JOY, PEACE, CONTENTMENT. Help me to be a thermostat, not a thermometer!!

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