Saturday, January 22, 2011
Well, we are down to the ten day count down. I feel kind of like I did when I was pregnant. Anxious. When you have been carrying the baby around for 9 months, you are READY to hold the baby, ready for THIS to be over. But it is mixed with a touch of fear when you think of the labor and delivery part. You know you can't be done with the pregnancy until you experience and endure the labor and delivery part. You can't cross the bridge, so to speak. That is where I am. I want this to be DONE. I want my body to look normal (will it ever be normal again?). But I am anxious about the whole anesthesia, surgery and recovery thing again. I am anxious about the pain!! I know I am not to be anxious about anything. But I am human, and I am anxious. I worry about my momma and how she will handle me going into the hospital again. When she gets stressed or anxious, she gets harder to "handle". Meaning, her moods are not as pleasant. At this present stage, dropping her off at her house to stay by herself all day is just no longer a comfortable option. As my husband said, the last time we did that..."it's like we are dropping off Emma Jean to stay by herself at this house all day, except that Emma Jean can dial the telephone." It is sad, but that is what it felt like. She fell down last week. On carpet, so no slipping sliding falling down, just falling down. Again, since I was not in the same room at the time, I don't know what happened, or how it happened, or why it happened, just know that it did happen. I am extremely grateful that she was here in my house, so as soon as she needed assistance, she had it within seconds. I do know that it was NOT dehydration, so who knows why she lost her balance? She says she got "woozy", and "must have passed out". But as soon as I heard the boom, I ran in there and she was already trying to roll over and get up. We are talking seconds here folks, so there was no "passing out". But anyway, I got off topic. I don't really know how to describe mom when she gets really really rattled. But suffice it to say that bad things happen, things nobody wants to deal with or clean up. And of course, momma will continue to act as if nothing is wrong with her, and whatever is happening is somebody's fault, and she will be mad, yet she won't know what she is mad about. And when anybody tries to make any "suggestions" to momma, she will dig in her heels and rebel, and usually refuse to even try what is being suggested. She was complaining her feet were cold the other morning, and I said, "that's because you have not gotten your socks on yet woman", and I got up to head to her room to grab her some socks. She was saying "I do to!" as I went past her, and kept saying, "Deb, I do have my socks on! Your wasting your time!" I got the socks, and came back to her chair, picked up her bare foot and said "really? what color are they?" She looked honestly surprised that she was barefooted! That's my momma. It takes an extra dose of patience to be able to do what you need to do to take care of my momma, when all the while she is trying to tell you she doesn't need any help. It truly is a full time job, being the caregiver to an Alzheimer's patient, especially when that Alzheimer's patient is at this stage.