Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Finally, a light at the end of the tunnel....

I am sitting at Barnes, in the Infusion room, in a recliner. Today, as this Herceptin is being pumped into my veins, through my port, I am having all kinds of emotional feelings. Today, is my last Herceptin treatment. As I walked the familiar walk from the garage, this was on my mind. As I walked the familiar path to the elevators of the Siteman Cancer Center, this was on my mind. As my emotions were running wild, trying to process all that has happened to me in the past 18 months, it sometimes just overwhelms me. As I walk, I notice all the people that are coming and going, everyone has their own "normal" routine. This routine has been my "normal" for so long. I know, 18 months is not really "so long". That amount of time is but a vapor in this life. But this walk, this path, that I have been on, has been harder than I had thought it would be. Emotional roller coaster, definitely. Cancer seems to cause everyone to re-evaluate their life's direction. As my circumstances began to consume more and more of my time and attention, it caused me to constantly lose sight of who was in control. In one of my devotions last week, or maybe it was a couple of weeks ago, it was talking about how your biggest "danger was worrying about tomorrow. If you try and carry tomorrow's burdens today, you will stagger under the load and eventually fall flat. You must discipline yourself to live within the boundaries of today." There's wisdom there, folks. I need to stop judging and evaluating myself. That's not my job. I need to stop comparing myself to others. This will produce either feelings of pride, or inferiority; sometimes a mixture of both. And both are wrong and meaningless. When I first started out on this path, this personal path of cancer, the future was scary. When we try and think about the future, no wait, lets call it what it is, WORRY about the future, we are showing our rebellion towards God. We are taking those things that belong to God, and trying to manage them ourselves. The future belongs to God. All we have is today, there is no promise of tomorrow. It is a constant battle for me to look at today, not tomorrow, or next week...TODAY. If I start to look at the future, I get anxious. That should be the red flag that stops me from thinking about the future!! God is God and I am not. I am trying to train myself to always be THANKFUL. If God is putting something in my path, I should be THANKFUL for it. There is a purpose for it, HIS purpose. If I am not seeing my faults, God has a way of putting some person or some situation in my path that brings out that fault, in living color, so that I have to deal with it. I need to be THANKFUL for the opportunity to deal with it, so that I can try and become the person God wants me to be, minus that part of my personality that hinders that. "We all have issues" is a commonly used phrase to stop us from actually doing something about our issues. Yes we do all have issues. But, as Christians, we should be actively trying to change to be better people, better Ambassadors for Christ. We should make it our passion to make people want the Christ we have. They should see something about us that is different, something about the way we handle life, that makes them wonder what we have, what helps us cope. That could open up an opportunity for us to tell them about our faith, about our relationship with Jesus. I admit, there have been times when I have fallen way short of that goal. There have been times in my life where I am sure people walked away shaking their heads at me, thinking they didn't want anything I had. But, God is a loving and forgiving God, and knows where I have been, and knows where He is taking me. He knows how far I have come, and how far I still have to go, before I even get close to where He needs me to be. The key is to stay focused on God, stay thankful for all He puts in my path to get me there. Stay focused on the fact that everything He does is for my good, but more importantly, for His glory. Understanding is not a requirement. FAITH is a requirement. One foot in front of the other, walking, trusting, leaning, holding onto....GOD. I don't need to know the plan. I know the one who is in charge, and I know He loves me, and I trust HIM. Lord help me to not only be able to say that, but to live my life in a manner that shows that.

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