When someone is truly unhappy, and truly not at all content, it usually shows up in ways that others can read. You can try and hide it by making it appear that you are happy by talking of things you love. You can decorate your home with a theme of that love. You can buy jewelry that also shows others what it is that you admire or love. You can even go so far as to adorn your body with "body art" that shows the world where your heart is. I also believe that as a Godly woman, we have the responsibility to dress and act "in a manner worthy of the gospel"(Philippians 1:27) I am constantly fighting that battle with my daughters, asking them to pay more attention to modesty, and the message they are sending out by their choices in dress. Immodest clothing may cause a brother or sister in Christ to stumble with impure thoughts. I am not comfortable by the trend that is considered fashionable now to wear very thin (see through) layer over something that appears to be a "cami" or a colored bra. I am old school, and think that as a Christian woman, a Godly woman, I am to set the example. Therefore, I try and limit the amount of skin I show between my neck and knees. I tell my girls to ask the question, what is my goal here? Why am I dressing this way? Am I trying to draw attention to myself by my apparel? Am I trying to draw attention to a certain area of my body? Whose attention am I trying to get? Not that I have cleavage, but I have never felt comfortable in allowing it to show. I have always felt uncomfortable around women who do. Someone said to me that we cannot control what others think. I disagree. The battle for purity starts in the mind. Two great men in the Bible, Samson and David, were brought down because they first had lustful thoughts and then they acted upon them. An action is first conceived in the mind. Therefore, I believe, we must not only guard our own thought life, but help others with theirs. I myself love to dance. I do! It is fun! But, the places you have to go to enjoy that fun, is not acceptable to me as a Godly woman. I know the power that a woman's body has over a man. I also know that men who frequent those places, when they are there alone, they are not there because they love to dance. They are there with a woman, or in hopes to get a woman. So, for a married Godly Christian woman to be there without the proper protection of her God-given husband is just wrong in my eyes. And since my husband is a man, I would not want to put him in the situation of watching other women dance, and possibly arousing him. So, for those reasons, I chose to lay down that particular activity and walk away. I always try and make my decisions based upon "benefit". Will this benefit my witness? Will this hamper my witness. Because, above all, I want others to know I am a Christian woman, I am a Godly woman, I am a married woman, I am a mother.

As far as the drinking goes, everyone who knows me knows my reasons for how I feel about that. Just because something is not a "sin", does not mean it is good and again, it goes back to the question, "will this help my witness or hurt my witness?" No matter how much one enjoys doing something, if it causes someone to question their relationship with the Lord, based on their actions when they are "having fun", then I feel it best to lay that activity down at the Lord's feet. Again, a decision based upon what others think of me, yes. That is called "reputation" and "character". So, when I hear someone say, a Christian say, "I can't help what others think", it saddens me. Because, honestly, yes you can, you just don't care enough to try. Your reputation and your character is exactly that....what others think of you. When you say you can't help it, what it really means is you don't want to give up the fun in your life. That fun is more important to you than what others think of you. I dealt with that battle in the first years of my marriage. My husband truly was controlled by that evil. He was the "life of every party". He looked forward to it, found ways to do it. He had "friends" that did all these things, and they were not in the habit of caring whether or not he had a good marriage. Their marriages were sad and miserable, and they commiserated with each other, fueled each other's discontent. So they were only interested in trying to have a good time. Today? Everyone in my wedding album that stood on the side of Keith is divorced, at least once, some twice. Once the Lord revealed to me that what was coming out of my mouth was worse than what was going into his, I backed off, and began to truly turn it over to the Lord. I began to try my best to make my husband happy, and let God make him Holy. I truly allowed God to change my heart towards my husband. I did not respect him at first either. But once I began to respect him, honor him and love him, God truly did a miracle in our marriage. When we turn our lives and fears over to God, we are free to accept our husbands for who they are and the role they play in our lives. I truly worked at making Keith my best friend. I tried to love what he loved. I made the effort. I worked on the one side of the equation in my marriage I could work on.....me. I quit praying God would change him, and prayed, "Lord, change me". Once I truly began to love Keith, the way Keith needed to be loved, what we had between us blossomed. My marriage went from living hell to heaven on earth. I know that physical love, physical touch is so very very important to a man. It truly is their way of measuring how much we love them. So, more often than not, it is my gift to him, as my husband. Whether I feel like it or not, I make the effort to go the extra mile, for his sake. I know what a difference it makes in his well being, his "man-hood" so to speak. It makes him feel respected as a man, if his wife shows him physical love willingly. So, bottom line, I quit praying for grace to do this, and I quit praying that God would change Keith. I simply began to do whatever is necessary to make my husband happy. Whatever it was. The change in Keith as he began to see that I "loved and respected" him, was nothing short of a miracle worked by God.

I feel it is very important to spend good quality time with happy contented wives. This is a support system that can't be denied. When you spend time with those that are not happy with their husbands, and they share that fact with you often, it tends to breed discontent in your own marriage. Seek out those that will help you be a better wife to your husband. Those Godly women that will encourage you in your disappointments and frustrations. Steer clear of those that would offer you advice such as ...your right, that's wrong, he shouldn't do that, you deserve better than that, blah blah blah. Seek out and find a good solid support group of godly women who earnestly try and make their husbands happy. If their husband is not happy, they diligently try harder to figure out what they can do to make him happy. Not seek out like-minded, unhappy, frustrated women who resent the fact that their husbands are not what they had dreamed of.

So, I guess in short, I would say you need:
1)to be more CONTENT with the location God has you in. Bloom and blossom where He has planted you.
2)and the husband God has you with. Love that man! Make him happy!

Contentment is not getting what you want, it is wanting what you have.
Marriage is not supposed to make you happy, it's supposed to make you married.
It's your job, your calling, to make your (husband) marriage happy, and satisfying.
And, give up whatever activity that doesn't say to the world that Jesus is your First Love.

We left the house yesterday morning, Wednesday, March 25th, at 7:30am. We got to the hospital for labs and signed in at 9:00. We were done and going in to sign in at my Oncologist's office by 9:45. That took a bit longer, since today was the first chemo with the new drugs. Today was the first of the "new" schedule of 12 weekly visits with these new drugs. So there was much to discuss. I did ask them all my questions regarding side effects, neutropenia fears and length, crowd "control", time schedule with healing, how far after finish is surgery, how long it takes to recoup from surgery, travel plans in September, and what I had read on the net regarding other issues. They answered them to my satisfaction. We then walked across the street to grab some lunch at St. Louis Bread Company before going to the chemo labs. The chemo labs took sooo long! We were in and sitting in the recliner by about 12:05. There were several new "pre-meds" this time because of the new drugs. Every time they brought in a new bag or syringe, I was saying, "what is that, and what is it for?" They gave all these new pre-meds through my port, so yea, straight to the veins, baby. Pepsid!! I said, "like heartburn meds Pepcid?" "yes mam". Ok, so a huge side effect is going to be heartburn or stomach issues. Then the steroid, Dexamethasone (Decodron). Then an anti-nausea drug, with a name I didn't recognize, so it was different. And then the Benedryl. Since I have taken Benedryl before, it was the one I was the least worried about. LOL! Boy was I wrong! They had already told me about giving me that because of the worry about allergic reactions to the new drugs. But, folks, when they give you Benedryl through your veins, the response from your body is way different than the tsp you take when you get a bee sting, or have poison ivy, or even itchy watery eyes. They put that stuff in my body somewhere around 1:30 or so. I don't remember anything else until say 4:30!! And when I woke up, I was wiping drool off of my chin! I asked Keith if I was snoring!! He laughed and said, if you had been laying down, I think you would have, babe, you were solid gone. I had my laptop, I was trying to get online and do things, but I could feel myself getting sleepy, so I handed Keith my laptop, and said, man, I can hardly keep my eyes open. Each of these drugs were given over a time period of say, 15-30 minutes each. Then finally, the Paclitaxol (90 minutes) and the Herceptin (60 minutes). So, it was a long day. I had told my mom that I would stop sometime in the afternoon. Well, the afternoon was gone! We were in rush hour traffic on the way up and on the way home. And, I was still very groggy from the Benedryl. I was thinking, give me my bed and my pillow, and I'll see you tomorrow! I texted my sis, and ask her to call mom and see if she even remembered I was supposed to stop by, because if she didn't, I was south-bound and down. The good news is, mom didn't remember I had even said that. I did call her later, like 9 or so, and she didn't ask me what happened to me today, why I didn't come by!! Praise the Lord! We just talked of normal things, and she sounded fine. Today is my mom's birthday!! I feel great!! Thank you Lord!! She had mentioned going to the Grief Support Group meeting at the Associational office today. She asked if I wanted to go with her. I reluctantly agreed. Of course, that was Monday or Tuesday. I am not sure about going to something like that on her birthday. So, I am getting my ducks in a row here on the farm, then I am headed up there to take her to lunch today. The Grief Support meeting is at 1 o'clock. We'll play it by ear. Maybe, next week, we'll start going to the Grief Support meetings?? I do want her to go. That would give her another "outing" weekly. But, when she gets out, she mainly just goes where she is going, and comes home. So, I thought at the very least today, we would go for a drive around, looking at all the Bradford Pear trees blooming, and flowers blooming. Everything is so pretty and green, and the sun is shining today, so it will be a pretty day to be out and about, getting her out of the house today! And, Kell and Jen are planning on going to the grocery store, getting some really good food, and coming to mom's tonight and cooking dinner for her! We offered to take her out, but mom's suggestion was, "why don't we have our chef come and cook dinner for us!" So, there's our plan for mom's birthday! And, again, PRAISE THE LORD!! I FEEL GOOD ENOUGH TO BE A PART OF ALL THIS!!!!!

Yes, I am still alive!! Teehee, it's just that once I crawl up out of the hole that the chemo puts me in, I hit the floor running. Time, anymore, is a precious thing to me, and I feel it has such limits on it anymore. When I feel good enough to do things, I try and get them done. I am aware that things could change any minute, so I don't take my day, well, I don't take any minute I get for granted anymore. I am also aware that there are so many side effects out there that are affecting girls on the very same drugs I am on, and yet, my side effects have been mild so far. For that, I am so very grateful. I do still have a couple sores in my mouth, and for that reason, I am limited to what I can eat. Because they are mild, and not a source of constant pain, I forget sometimes. I pulled into Taco Bell last week, I had the older girls with me, and I order my usual, two hard taco supremes. I took one bite, and was not so gently reminded that I could no longer eat hard crunchy tacos. Owwwwwyyyy!! Kate offered me her soft, but nah. I have always felt like that was like wrapping a piece of bread around taco fillings. Not for me, thank you. Give me good old fashioned crunchy corn taco shells. But, at this season of my life, mostly, I eat pasta alot (Thanks Robin!! It was nummmmy!) I also eat lots of baked potatoes. And because of numerous reasons, (time and energy being at the top of the list) I don't exercise as much as I used to. So, it stands to reason that I am going to gain weight. Ugh!!! At first it didn't bother me, because I kept rationalizing it in my mind. I am going to get sores, and can't eat, so I will lose weight. Or, this is where they will take the excess skin and fat to rebuild me when this is all over. But, the truth is, it is annoying. My jeans are getting tight!! So, I am making it a priority to start walking again.....no matter what. I will take the 45 minutes it takes me to walk to the second slab and back. That's the low water bridge a little over a mile down my road, past my house. I have clocked it with my car, and if I walk to the second slab and back, I will have walked a little over 2 miles. It does contain slight elevations, so it is not a flat walk, therefore, it gets my heart pumping!! And, plus, it is a beautiful walk, and once you walk down there, you kinda have to walk back, LOL! When on a treadmill, you can decide, that's enough, I'm done. Not so outside. That's the main reason I prefer outside. I am weak, don't mind admitting that!! I do love the walk down my road. There is very little traffic, and it is quiet, peaceful, and oh so beautiful. Often times, I make the 2 mile walk without any traffic. And no, I don't use an IPOD or any other technology to block out the natural sounds. I usually use that time to talk to the Lord about what is going on in my life. On a good day, I can make that walk in 45 minutes. My goal is to make it in 30. That's about as fast as I want to do it, otherwise, I would be running!! My sister, Becky, is a runner. Not a jogger, a runner. My daughter, Kelly runs every night as well. I am not a runner. I just don't have that desire. I want to get some exercise to keep me healthy, without the danger of me falling, LOL! I do have a praise report here. My mom is again taking the Aricept medicine! It was prescribed to her right after daddy left us, but she only took it for about 3 months, and then decided it wasn't helping, and she wasn't "going to take a pill the rest of her life". So she quit. The prescription expired. When she returned from her visit with her girlfriends in Little Rock, they apparently had helped to convince her that she should be taking it. She even sat there on the swing beside me while I called the pharmacy to see the status of the prescription. They told me it was expired, but that they could call the doctor and get it renewed! I was shocked! "You can do that? And she won't have to go get an examination??" They did it, and it was re-filled, and now mom has a bottle and is taking it. At least, she says she is. I won't know for sure until I go back up there and count them. But hey, that is a huge improvement, and I will take all the positive I can get. For mom to even talk about taking it is huge, much less, saying "Yes, I took it this morning with my toast!" Pray that she will continue to do so! I go next week for my new round of drugs and chemo. Wednesday, the 25th of March, I start my weekly treatments. The following day, March 26th is mom's birthday. As of right now, I am planning to take her out to lunch, probably to Cracker Barrel at the bottom of her hill. Last year, I wanted to take her somewhere else, and she "commented" how everything on the menu was sooo expensive. So, maybe this year, I will just go where I know she "approves" of the menu as well as the prices, teehee. It's her day.

I was supposed to get company this weekend! My sister from Chicago, Lois and her family, was due to come in last nite. Her kids are on Spring Break, and our kids are desperate to spend some time with each other. My kids were all marking x's on the calendar to mark "how many more days until Sullivan's get here?" And my Emma was asking daily, "Is Rachel out of school yet?" But, it was not meant to be, apparently. Lois called on Wednesday night to share that a couple of her kiddos had the sniffles, and not being sure if it was allergies or an infection/virus something something, she was not wanting to bring them here because of the obvious threat to me. But she did say that she had not shared her thoughts with Bryan yet, and he may still come to Missouri. She didn't know if he would come alone, or bring some of the children or what. She would let me know. Thursday, I spent most of the day at Barnes, getting my Muga Scan (heart scan test) in preparation for the next round of chemo drugs. When I got home Thursday night, my kids were all like, "have you talked to Lois? Are they still coming to Missouri? Which kids are sick? Are they leaving the sick ones home and bringing the well ones?" Of course, I didn't know the answers to any of those questions, and they were still putting supper on the table, so I sat down and opened my computer. I noticed Bryan was on-line, so I thought I would just ask him what the plans were, if they had come up with a plan yet. He said..."walking out the door to a school meeting, I'll call you from the car." In the mean time, Keith walked in and sat down on the couch beside me to watch the news. My phone rang, and it was Bryan. It was a short conversation, but the bottom line was....don't know yet. His mom has already taken the days off work Wednesday -Friday, so he felt like they would still come, and as of now, it would be him and all of them. So, us getting any of the kiddos together was not going to be an option. The kids were thinking, if it was the older kids sick, ones old enough to stay home alone, while Lois worked, then maybe getting the girls together, (Rachel, Manna & Becky) would still be an option, but after the short conversation with Bryan, I told the kids it just wasn't going to happen this time. That is the hardest part of this walk I am on, how it also affects my kids and what they are allowed to do. After I hung up the phone, I sat them all down, since they were all hanging around me anyway, waiting on the "verdict", and explained to them how I knew how they were all excited about getting together with their cousins, but at this point in my life, we as adults had to make the hard decisions. Bryan and Lois should not have to leave any of their kiddos home, especially since it sounded like they just had the sniffles, and therefore, that was not a big deal to anyone but me. It was wishful thinking that we would still be able to allow any of you to spend time with any of them. But the truth is, we could not take the chance of bringing any foreign "germs" into my home, because of the time it took for them to germinate into something that may or may not make any of my kids sick next week, being I would be starting new drugs, experimental drugs, and at this point didn't know how it would affect me or my immune system. So, hard choices had to be made, and I am sorry but we had to make smart choices, regardless of how upset it will make you. At this point, there were more important things to consider than "happy children". This too shall pass, and there will be plenty of other opportunities to get together, later down the road. Needless to say, there were lots of sad faces. Oh well. Just another bump in the road........

Ok, let's start a discussion on relationships and friendships. I have been giving this some thought lately. How we tend to throw this terminology around pretty loosely. We are quick to call someone friend without having any real guidelines to go by. I mean, what constitutes a friend? Is it someone you talk to regularly? Someone you see regularly? Someone you spend time with regularly? How exactly do you decide who is a friend, and who is an acquaintance? And what is the difference between a friend, and someone you have a "relationship" with. The dictionary says that Relationship is:
1. The condition or fact of being related; connection or association.
2. Connection by blood or marriage; kinship.
3. A particular type of connection existing between people related to or having dealings with each other:

Ok, so there you have it. In plain black and white print. Obviously relationship is attained simply by kinship, by being related. Friendship on the other hand is different by definition.
Friendship is a term used to denote co-operative and supportive behavior between two or more people. In this sense, the term connotes a relationship which involves mutual knowledge, esteem, and affection and respect along with a degree of rendering service to friends in times of need or crisis. Let's think about that definition for a while. I feel very blessed to have friends such as this definition implies. Dear friends, that are now, and have always been... there for me. Friends that are there, when the rest of the world walks out. I am extremely thankful for them. It is those friends that are always there to lift me up, spiritually if that is my need. Physically if that is my need. They always seem to know when I need a phone call. They always seem to know when I need more than a phone call. They are God given blessings. They have been there to pray with me, as well as for me. They know me, inside and out. These are the people that I can count on to hold me accountable. I welcome their accountability. I love them, and thankfully, they love me. I do not seek the praises of mankind, but I appreciate the love and friendships I have. Yet, being as blessed as I am, I still from time to time, let my guard down, and mistakenly think that someone is my friend, when in reality, they are just relationships. And it is usually in those relationships that I sustain the most hurt. My daddy used to say, the greatest weakness is an un-guarded strength. I got comfortable, let my guard down, and bam, I am blindsided. I thought the relationship was strong, so I was not guarding it. I now realize it was not a friendship to begin with. I wanted it to be a friendship. I wanted it to be a friendship bad enough to believe that it was. Now I know you can't "force" a friendship. It is what it is, or it ain't. That's the cold hard truth of the matter. Like the old saying says, "you don't get to choose your relatives, but you can choose your friends". But the truth is, for it to work, the friends have to choose you back! Otherwise it is a one-sided relationship, with one of you doing all the work. That's not fair to either of you. And for it to really be a blessed friendship, there has to be trust. Without TRUST, there is no friendship, much less relationship. So, if you have friends, friends you can trust......you are blessed. Thank God for them!!

So, how was your day today? I am tired. I had a good day, got a whole lot of stuff checked off of my list. That is always a good feeling at the end of the day. Lately I have been pondering the whole sad sad outlook on life that everybody seems to be pushing these days. It is down right aggravating when Christians get sucked into that mentality. Seriously, we represent Christ!! If we of all people don't have a different outlook, a different "hope", then something is wrong. People should be drawn to Christ and want what we have based on the difference they see in our attitude!! I don't understand how people who don't know Christ can get through this life without falling into depression. It is truly relaxing to me to know that God is in control. I don't need to worry about next weeks weather, or next weeks bills. I am not in "management", teehee, I am just in sales!! As I put one foot in front of the other, and walk this path, one day at a time, I have to constantly be on guard to ward off the devil who is constantly, walking to and fro, looking and seeking whom he might devour. What that really means, is that I will not let myself get sucked into the woe is me mentality! Life is not fair. Life is hard. So? I get really tired of hearing good Godly people, let themselves get sucked into "life", and get down on their circumstances. The Bible is full of people who had truly hard circumstances. Way worse than anything any of us have to deal with on a daily basis, yet they stayed focused on the One that could bring them through it with a better attitude than the next guy. Anytime you feel like your life sucks big time, stop by and visit a nursing home, or a hospital. I hate to keep harping on this, but you can truly make a difference in your mindset if you would accept the challenge of getting involved in a Bible Study! I mean a real Bible Study, with homework! I mean, think about it. How do you know if your kids are actually learning their school work? How do you know if they are actually able to apply what they are learning? They actually take pencil and paper and write something down?? Daily? That's called accountability. Look back in your life, and see if there is a time when you felt like you were actually making progress in your Christian walk, if what you were doing in your life made a difference for Christ. I mean, you should be able to ask yourself every morning, or every night, what did I do today that made a difference, because I was a Christian. Do I do anything different? Am I like everybody else in my daily activities? Am I making a difference for Christ? Do my kids see me living for Christ? Am I building up my husband? Do I actually make an effort to make him feel important in my life? Because, as Godly women, that is our calling. To build up our husbands, and make them feel loved and special is mandated by God. But in today's society, you won't find many people, many women who are willing to step out of the box, out of their comfort zone, and actually do hard things. If it makes them uncomfortable, forget it. They just are not going to commit to it. It's funny how so many will say they don't have time for this, or they don't have time for that, yet will make time for those things that don't matter at all in the grand scheme of things. Of course, this brings me back to re-evaluating the things in your life. When you are in the middle of a crisis, it seems that decisions can be made, maybe emotional ones, but still, people are quick to say "If I only knew, I would do this", or I would do that. Well, folks, we should be making those decisions anyway, right? I mean, if they are important enough at that moment, they are important! But, let the emotions fade, the crisis work out, fade into life, and the next thing you know, we are doing the same old same old. In the meantime, life is clicking away. We are wasting the precious moments in our life. What we are giving all our attention to, all our energies to, in the end, will be what validates our life. Let's all be challenged to make better choices, and make sure that what we are giving our energies to, is what really matters in the end. It's not about money. It's not about things. It's about relationships. Let's all, as Christians, challenge ourselves to make some body's life better, because we can. In the name of Christ! They are making a commercial now, that shows people helping each other, warning each other when something is about to happen. It ends with them saying when people do it, it is called character. When companies do it, it's called......(name of company). Make an effort to actually spend time with someone, have coffee, have pie! Build a relationship! Face to face relationships! We are people, and we need physical relationships, emotional relationships, and yes, spiritual relationships. Let's all make a conscious effort to listen to Christian music, Christian radio, get involved in a Bible Study that offers accountability to other Christians, one on one. Let's refuse to fall through the cracks at our churches, where no one is going to notice if we are not there, or worse, care if we are not there! God has created each of us with unique spiritual gifts. And I believe he places us in a particular church, because that church needs our spiritual gift. Are we using our gifts? Are we offering our gifts? Or, are we attending, anonymously, so we can fulfil our "duty". Are we involved in our congregation? Are we getting the support we need so that we can face this ungodly world feeling stronger because we have the support system of our fellow Christians at our local church? The Bible speaks of the ember that burns out when it is removed from the fire. There are way too many luke warm Christians out there. People are not willing to make a difference. People are just existing. Remember, choose JOY!!!! Make a definite, intentional choice to make a difference for Christ. Let the world know there is something different about you. You have hope! You have joy! You have Christ! And then be willing to share what it is that gives you that "edge". But, folks, lets give them something they would want!! Because, seriously, if we are not living it, showing it, we are failing Christ. Do they want what we have?? Then change that. If God can't make us happy, how can we tell others He can make them happy? How can we tell others how God can change their lives, if they are not seeing it happen in ours?

This path the Lord has me on these days has caused me to re-evaluate my priorities. After what I have shared with others as the "phone call that changed my life", my choices have been more definite, more thought through, and definitely, less emotional. Because my dad was so involved with people all the time, he often would share that he was very selective about who he spent his "free" time with. I find myself becoming more and more like that. Something cancer does, like nothing else, is make you really look at everything you do in life. Really look at what you are doing, and why you are doing it. Is it worth your time? Is it worth your effort? As my family and I walk this path, the world seems to keep going on with their very busy lives. I remember feeling that same way when we were dealing with daddy and leukemia. I would end up at Wal-Mart at 10 o'clock at night, because it was the only time I had to go! And as I would be standing there in line, waiting at the check-out, I would find myself thinking, "all these people, going and doing, they don't have a clue what is going on in my life, or what crisis I am dealing with!" That has not changed today. In this fast paced society we live in, we go, we do, we are so busy, that we barely have time for relationships. A crisis always seems to make people slow down, ask questions, get involved, possibly form relationships. I have gotten lots of letters and cards, and phone calls from people who use to be part of my life. We use to talk often. We even got together once a month, at least, for coffee, or dinner! But then life took over, we got busy, and when you don't make time for relationships, you don't have relationships. As my one friend said, we have a "low maintenance relationship". It doesn't take much work for our relationship to remain strong and steady. We may not see each other for months, or even share a conversation for more than a month, but when we do find the time to talk, it is as if we talk daily. We have that kind of close relationship. I have noticed that in this society of technology, chats and emails have taken the place of real, REAL, conversation. In chats, there is no emotion, just the sharing of facts. Often, easily, things can be misinterpreted, because of the lack of emotion, or voice inflection. And, truthfully, one can actually be involved, sort of, in one's life, meaning, know what is going on in their life, the day to day things, without ever talking to them! Like Facebook, for instance. All I have to do is sign on every day, and know how the weather is in Colorado Springs, where my sister lives, even know what she is having for dinner, or that her garage door is broken! Or that my other sister's basement is flooded due to all the recent rain and storms they are having in the Chicago area. I can know when my niece has had a "misunderstanding" with her boyfriend. All of this can be accomplished without so much as a phone call. Without reaching out and "touching", as the commecials use to say. I do have one friend, you know who you are, who refuses to even get a FACEBOOK account for this reason. She says, she prefers conversation, old fashioned, using the phone, hearing a voice conversation. I agree with her for the most part. I prefer that myself! But, in order to even try and be involved in family that is scattered all across the country, I put up with.....technology. But, I freely admit, it leaves me wanting more. I want close personal relationships. My mom has been with her friends in Little Rock since March 2nd, when I took her down there. I am use to talking to my mom every day, twice a day. And I admit....I have missed her!! I miss the conversation with my mom. I was not able to call her for the first few days after my chemo, because my voice always gets very weak and barely audible. But once I got my voice back, I called her. She actually sounded glad to talk to me!! She laughed, and said she was having a great time! I then went a couple days and didn't call her. Thelma called me!! "Your mom says you haven't called and she was just wondering what your up to!" I laughed out loud! Routine is a good thing! I am supposed to drive down there and get mom on Saturday, and I can't wait! This was supposed to be a "break" for me, as some said, "take advantage of this time for yourself!", "get some rest". I miss my mom!!! I am glad she is having a good time, but I am equally glad that she will be home again, soon. I have not been able to go up there and clean her house, like I wanted to do for her before she got back home. I have not been able to go in her office and do the filing for her, like I wanted to do. But, those things are not as important as I once thought they were! It has become more important to me to just spend time with my mom. I enjoy sitting in the chair, watching Murder She Wrote with her, chatting about life in the small town we live in. Someone asked me this week, why I deleted such and such from my friend list on Facebook. I said, well, actually, I only got on there to keep up with my kiddos and their lives. And then, slowly, it grew into this person wants to be your friend, and this person wants to be your friend. Now I have like 170 "friends" that are not really friends! Meaning, young teens, pre-teens, daughters of friends, sons of friends, friends of friends! So, on one particular day that I signed on, and got umpteen status updates on what they all were doing, what group they were joining, I thought, this is so stupid. We have nothing in common, and I truly don't have time for this. I deleted them!! Several of them!! Don't take it personal if you were one that got deleted. Just ask yourself, when was the last time I actually talked to her anyway?? If you have not talked to me, or had coffee with me, or spent an evening at Steak N Shake with me, I am sure it is not going to be a great huge hole in your social life!! I just decided, there is a difference between "friends", and someone I know, vaguely. But, in the event it does bother you, and offends you in some way....call me, on the phone, and I will add you again!! LOL!! So there!! I have just decided that I want to surround myself with actual caring Christian people. People who know Christ, and will keep me accountable for what I do and what I say, and how I say it! I have never been one that holds to "fluff". Give me substance. Character matters to me. I want to see character. I want to see honesty. I don't care for "fake" friendships, or people who use people. I want to see respect return to our society. I still believe in the old ideals of women are to be treated with respect, and people should guard their language when in the presence of women and children. If they use "barn language" around me, it infers that they either don't respect me, or don't think I am a lady! Either one will get my dander up!! I am just an old fashioned kind of gal, I guess. I know that the company I keep, says something about who I am. So I am careful about who I spend time with, and the activities I spend my time involved in. I have been known to tell my kids, my teens, in the past, that if you listen to that angry music, it tends to make you angry! I don't have so much of a problem with that anymore, since they don't listen to angry music anymore, teehee. But, I do notice that when I get onto one of them, one of the teens, you can almost clock it, how quickly the radio gets turned on, and onto a certain station. Funny how that works. We use to say, in the computer world, "garbage in, garbage out". If you are angry, are discontent, you can always find a station that will feed that mindset. But, if you are a strong enough Christian to actually fight that, then you can find good solid music that will put you back in the right frame of mind. Be a thermostat!! Not a thermometer! You can set the mood of your day, just by the choices you make in the music you listen to. The radio station you listen to can make all the difference. Like I say, "happiness comes from outside circumstances, but joy....comes from the Lord!" Choose Joy!! Don't let Satan steal it away, in these days when so many are so quick to say over and over, "it's gonna get worse before it gets better!!" We belong to the Lord! If we truly put our faith and trust in God, then we have no right to go around down in the dumps, depressed, upset, anxious. I don't know what God has in store for me, but I do know that I trust HIM! So, I am not going to try and second guess what is up, or what is around the corner. I trust Him. So, whatever He has for me, I can put one foot in front of the other, and walk the path. The outcome doesn't matter.

I know what to expect. I am already familiar with the "routine", but I still don't like how He is "making me lie down beside green pastures". I am grateful to look outside my window and actually see my pastures turning green! That is a welcome sight, no doubt. My husband is getting to work, and money is beginning to come in, slowly but surely. We were able to get the satellite turned back on, much to the delight of my husband. I don't really care for the television and all the "distraction" that it offers to my family, but it does seem to comfort my husband. When he is trying to plan out his jobs, it does help him to be able to call up the weather on all the different weather channels, from local to national, to help him make the difficult decisions on which job would be the best one to try and tackle in between the "chance of rain and showers" here and the radar that gives them a window opportunity wide enough to actually get something done over here. Hard decisions, no one else wants to make. The contractor wants it done, needs it done, yet is unwilling to "make the call", knowing that he doesn't want the responsibilities that go with "eating the mess" if they get rained on, once the concrete is poured out and on the ground. That would be the pressure of my husband's decisions these days. But, God has been good, and has been letting the phone ring, with jobs that can be done, in the small window of opportunities that God is providing. We will go from having nothing on the schedule, to a phone call, and suddenly, we have somewhere to go in the morning! Thank God!! We are not getting rich, but God is providing for our needs, as He has for so many years. That is the exercise of the faith muscle we have come to love. I truly love those God moments, where He does step in, step up, and remind us in the darkest moments that He is still watching over us, and yes, taking care of us. In this struggling economy, as the TV/radio/newspapers all like to constantly remind us, that we are all going to hell in a hand basket, and that it is going to "get worse before it gets better", gloom and doom, it is relaxing to have God gently remind us that He is still there, still on the throne, and yes, still in control of this world. I have called down to check on my mom, while she is in Little Rock, visiting with her friends. Mostly, I talk to Thelma or Martha, since this is the week after my chemo, and my voice is extremely weak. Mom picks up on that pretty quickly, and starts asking questions. Within an hour or so, I will get a phone call from Martha or Thelma to reassure me that mom is fine, and they have reassured her that I am fine. I am so grateful for those dear dear friends. Of course, this trip may be more of an eyeopener to them all, to allow them all to see how they are all a little "further down the road" than they thought they were. That they do need a little help from their family. I know that my mom went down there on a mission, "to talk Martha and Tom into moving back closer to her and Thelma, back to Missouri". But, now, I am thinking she has come to realize that they are not healthy enough to move again. Of course, she said she was also gonna work on Thelma, and work out a plan where they could take turns staying "a month at my house, then a month at her house". Of course, these are just mom's ideas and plans. I wonder how that plan is going over with Thelma? They are all pretty set in their ideas of "my house is paid for, and I want to stay in my home as long as I can by myself." That feeling of independence that they are clinging to. Funny how they all have that same mentality, yet want each other to change to come with them, so they won't be so lonely. I am sure God has a plan here, we will just have to wait and see how His plan plays out. That is the hardest part of all this. The waiting. Yesterday's sermon was on "Be still and wait". How hard, in this society of cell phones, ipods, tv's, radios, etc., how it was even possible to be still long enough, be quiet enough to even hear, much less recognize God's voice, when He was trying to get our attention. How we have a tendency to think God is not answering our prayers, or worse, ignoring our prayers, when in reality He is just waiting for us to be still enough to wait and listen for his answer or response. I have to admit, for me, these days, that is easier to do. This is a busy season for me, normally. Tax season. But, the Lord has a different plan for me these days. I find myself, waiting, for the strength, for the brain cells to talk to each other, waiting on the Lord. In the meantime, I am resting in the peace that God has a plan, and eventually, maybe, He will share it with me? I am trying to be patient.......Lord, truly I am.