This is the 10th of January, day 10 in the middle of my chemo schedule. What that means exactly, is that I am officially neutropenic. What that means, is I have no infection fighting cells. But I am home, safe and sound with "my" germs, teehee. I drove up to my mom's house on Wednesday afternoon, and we sat around and watched TV, just enjoying each other's company. I had made some home made "Corn Potato Chowder", so I carried some up there with me for us to have for supper. Mom did get out that day, and attend her Bible Study at FBC-Festus. She said she knew I was coming up so she didn't do her usual running around, going to Wal-Mart, etc. Mom was so talkative!! You could tell she had been cooped up in house all alone for a while! But, I enjoyed hearing her bring me up to date on all the Herky/Festus news, teehee. We got up early the next morning, and we left the house by 9 am to head south on 55 to Portageville, MO. Mom has such a good memory, when it comes to stuff years ago. She was telling me to get off at this exit (not the P'ville exit mind you), and it will bring us in on the north side of town, closer to Thelma's house. We went by there, and there was no one home. She then said, "well, they are probably at the church, turn up here and let's go by there next." She still remembers each street, every turn, was right on the money. Amazing. We drove up to the church, and the parking lot, was indeed full. Mom hopped out of the car, and I followed her in the door, as she made her way to the fellowship hall where the family was indeed being served a meal. Everyone got up and came to greet us as if royalty had arrived. It was so cool. They treated mom as the Queen! We fixed our plates and sat down with the family, and began to share old memories and stories of the past. That church is still full of the same people, many many familiar faces. All my girlfriends from my youth are not there anymore, but their mom and dad still go there to that church. It was so wild. As we all finished up our meal, we all began to make our way to the auditorium for the memorial service. There were several other familiar faces already in the church, and they all got up to come and hug momma and share the love. The service was wonderful. It is always good to be able to actually enjoy the memorial service, and that is made easier when the pastor actually knows the loved one, and you felt that with everything he said. We were all, including Mrs. T, laughing at some of the memories he shared about Bro. Freddie. It did feel more like a celebration of his life, than a sad remembrance. We then all filed out, got behind the hearse, and began to make the hour long procession to the Veteran's Memorial Burial site, in Bloomfield, MO. There Bro. Freddie was honored with the guns, the folding of the flag and the military burial. By the time it was all over, it was 3:30 or so, and mom and I said our goodbyes and headed north. We stopped once for a break, and grabbed something to eat, but then drove on into Herky. By 6:30 or so, I was sitting in the recliner, with mom's sweats on. I didn't even unload my bags again. I left them in the car, but once in, and relaxing, decided, I'll go home tomorrow. I was tired. Mom, on the other hand was wired. She talked and talked, and I remember seeing the clock at 11:42pm, LOL. Needless to say, we slept in the next morning. After a slow morning, we got dressed and decided to go do some of mom's running she needed to get done. We drove up to Keith's work site, picked up a check, drove to the bank, got payroll money ready, then to State Farm to pay mom's insurance bill on her caddy. From there we went to her other bank, made some deposit's there as well. From there, it was on to Wal-Mart to pick up the things on her list. We ran into people she knew every where we went, so every stop was more than a 15 minute stop, teehee. Finally, we made it back to mom's, put the groceries away, and settled in to relax. It was such a nice day, for Missouri!! It was 65 degrees, and the sun was shinning, everybody was out!! You could tell people were tired of being cooped up in their houses with all the nasty weather we had been having. Every where we went, people were smiling, talking, enjoying the day. As much as I hated to leave my mom, I knew I needed to get back home. But I so enjoyed the last 3 days of spending time with her. Not once did she ask me about my treatments, or my breast cancer. So, I think, by spending time with her, doing normal things, she was more comfortable with the idea that I am fine, gonna be fine, and that alone makes it easier for me. Everyone keeps telling me that I need to concentrate on me, and not worry about my mom. Easier said than done, folks. I know that my mom depends on me, I know this. I call her everyday, twice a day. That is part of her routine. Mom's ability to be "normal" is based on her routine. If she is allowed to have HER routine, she is so much better dealing with life and issues. Although, I would love for her to get out, see people, fix her hair, her make-up, get on with life, the reality is, it is not about me. It is about momma. Momma needs to FEEL safe, FEEL comfortable. It makes it so much easier on me, if my momma FEELS safe and comfortable. So, yea, I am on a mission to help her get back to that feeling of safety. I find myself again, at square one, basically. Right after daddy passed away last year, mom was worried and stressed all the time that she was going to lose her independence, lose her ability to make her own decisions. And, anybody who has ever been around anybody with Alzheimer's, knows, and can see the correlation between their ability to deal with life is directly related to their "external stimuli". You mess with their routine, and they are "off" for several days, sometimes, several weeks. My diagnosis has definitely messed with her routine. There was about 4 days there, that my voice was as weak as a kitten. Everyone that talked to me, and heard me, had a picture in their mind, I am sure, that I was near death. Especially my mom. She cried for days, non-stop. She let herself go, she didn't fix her make-up, nor her hair. It was scarey, folks. She was convinced, in her mind, that I am gonna die. Hopefully, after spending these last 3 days with her, doing normal things, talking normal conversation, she has gotten her mind off of that negative stuff. But, as I have been reminded by my sisters, it ain't over, and I can't be there all the time. Yes, she may be fine, while I am there with her. But when I leave, she may listen to the voices in her head that will take her back to the "Deb's gonna die" place. I am praying that won't happen. I am calling her several times a day, about little things, like, how to make Mexican Stack-up, to "Is it raining up there?" I am trying to get it "stuck" in her head, that I am normal, fine. Those of you that deal with ALZ, or attend ALZ meetings, know what I mean when I say that. I need mom to get stuck there. It may take her several days to get back to a place of normal routine without tears, but she can get back there. That just means, no cancer talk. Normal conversation, normal stuff. Right now, I NEED to hear her laugh, and tell me for the umpteenth time about Martha Mae being on the pulpit committee at her church, or that Becky Boo is a busy busy bee, she's always running here and there. (Smile) Mrs. T called me yesterday, and told me that she wants mom to come stay with her next week! So, I told her to call mom, and work out the details, and I was sitting on ready to drive her down there and drop her off. What a blessing that would be, for both of them ladies!! I can just see them running around P'ville, just like old times. Brings tears to my eyes thinking about it. That could be the distraction I need for mom the next chemo round, when my voice goes away again??? Maybe her and Thelma will be so busy being the church ladies of P'ville, that I won't even need to call her for several days!! I'm praying........hard.

Today, I actually got up, showered, put make-up on, curled my hair and put on jeans!! Yea, I am willing to admit, although my routine the past few days are not acceptable to many, it has been "easy". Wake up, take off pj's and put on sweats!! Woohoo!! Yea, no make up, no curl to the hair. Keith actually said one day I looked as if I was trying for the "Rod Stewart Hairday". Maybe that was because I took a shower the night before, then went to bed, and yea, my hair was on the spikey side, teehee. I did get up!! I felt like the cartoon I have on my computer desk, "Hey, I am up and at the keyboard, what more do you want!?" I have been keeping things moving here at home, school, laundry, cleaning, etc. I love to delegate, and yes, they will do it, when asked to do it. Nevermind, that I ask with a sterness and threat in my voice.

Today, I am actually packed and getting ready to go up and spend the next couple days with my mom!! A dear friend of ours passed away Tuesday night, in Portageville, MO. So, the plan is that I am going to mom's this afternoon sometime and spend the afternoon sitting around watching TV with her. Then in the morning, we will get up, eat breakfast, and drive down to P'ville for the funeral tomorrow. I am actually excited to get out of the house!! I am grateful that Mr. Fred held on as long as he did, so that I could regain my strength to take mom down there to be with her friends. My childhood girlfriend, Pam Essary, will be bringing her mom and dad, Tom and Martha Barnes, in from Little Rock as well. It will be good to see so many dear old friends, all in one spot. I hate that funerals have a way of doing that, but they do. It's kind of like the silver lining to the dark cloud. In the midst of sadness and grief, you have support of friends that have been friends since childhood. We have all walked very different paths since leaving P'ville, but when we all get together, it is as though we have never parted. I talked to Stan, Fred's son, Sunday night, and his voice still sounds like Stan!! I am sure he will look way different, as do I, but I can't wait to see all these people. The service will be at the church my daddy was pastor for so many years. I moved to P'ville when in the 6th grade, and left P'ville about 2 years after I graduated. I worked there after high school, at the Delta Center, outside of town. I was a lab tech, at an agriculture testing facility!! Yea, yea, wore a white lab coat and all!! Mr and Mrs Harmon still live in the same house they lived in when I lived there!! The small farming community has not changed much in 30 years. I can still find my way around with ease!

Pray for us, mom and I both. Mom, that this is not too emotional for her. Me, for the strength to do what needs to be done. We should return home Thursday evening sometime. We are packing a bag, just in case we are invited to stay. Mom says, we will probably come home, but lets be prepared. LOL! Either way, I am looking forward to spending some quality time with my mom. She has been having such a hard time with this whole thing, that she needs to see me, touch me, know in her mind that I am not on my deathbed!! So, I am looking all spiffy!! The picture of health!! I wish I had that cute outfit that Kell dressed me in for the Fox Theatre and the Rockettes! Jen said I looked "Hot!" Of course, those were Kell's clothes. I don't really have any hot clothes anymore, teehee. Although, this turtle neck sweater is starting to get hot. I think I'll go change...........

Hello all! Yes, it did knock me down for a few days, I admit it. One minute I was laughing and talking on the phone, joking about "aren't you gonna get it for me? I have cancer!" Then on the way home, I had to ask Kell to pull the car over so I could lay down on the side of the ditch! I was feeling sick, feeling like I was gonna faint, and the reclining seat didn't go down flat enough. After a few minutes laying on the side of the road, in the cool 35 degree weather, I was good to go! Oh yea, and the compazine helped a little. I was telling Kell, just get the bag of drugs, find something that looks or sounds like Compazine, she was like, this one starts with a P, ends in zine, but not compazine. I said, pull out the paper, read it, read the well known name, she said, YES! Compazine! I said, get me one! Once we got back in the car, and she got me home, I crashed and don't remember a thing until yesterday. Wow! I slept like 3 days of my life away! Today, I have been eating, an egg, toast, pasta something Jen made for lunch, popsicles, and veggie soup for supper, and another popsicle.

Mom is having a hard time with all this, as I knew she would. This would be why I didn't want to tell her!!! But oh well, what's done is done. Everytime I call her, she just cries, and says she can't deal with this soo soon after losing daddy. So, as soon as I can get up and actually move and walk to the car, I am going up there to show her that I am not dead!!! Not even close!! The problem is, it has messed with my voice, and I do sound extremely weak, and yes, I am extremely weak. I just want to lay around all the time. Not really sleeping, just laying around. So, I am finally back on-line, and hopefully will be able to keep all you peoples in the loop. Today was a busy day. My brother-in-law, Randy and his wife Cele came by for awhile. My daughter, Kell, left this morning to head back to Texas. My daughter, Jen, stayed until after she fixed lunch and "sorta" cleaned up the mess, teehee. At least that is what I heard from the informant (Kassy). But I appreciate all the help my kiddos are being. Kelly left the kitchen stocked with "good" food, teehee, non-dairy rice milk, Progresso Vegetable Soups, "Naked" drinks??, who knows. So, far, I have not thrown up at all, so the anti-nausea drugs are working. And my husband who delivered most of my children, gave me my Neulasta shot, the growth factor shot I was to get the day after Chemo. I was really proud of him. He said, "Oh honey, I don't know if I can do this or not." I said, sure you can, just stick it in there, gently, and slowly. He did it just fine. I don't have to go back now until January 21st. But, in the next 21 days, I will go "down" to neutropenia, nadir, then back up again, so no crowds, then I will go back and get some more. Unfortunately, I know the drill. When I was up there getting the chemo, I had to go to the bathroom, so I unplugged the tree, wrapped the cord, walked down the hallway, went, came back, plugged it back in, and sat back down. The nurse walked over, and said, "they told me you were a newbie!" I said, "unfortunately, I am a well trained newbie, my daddy fought cancer for a year, I know the drill." But at least, I am not throwing up in a bucket.....yet??? They are telling me my hair will be "waving" by January 15th. That was kinda hard on Kell. She was a bit weepy, saying, the next time she sees me I will be bald. But, hey, hair will grow back, and this is winter, so it will be easier to hide with hats and stuff. I might even give a wig a try, just for fun!! In the mean time............CALL MY MOM!!!!! GO BY AND TAKE HER TO LUNCH!!! She needs people, contact with the outside world, etc.

I hope you all enjoyed your Christmas! As expected, my daughter Kelly arrived home from Texas, around 4am on Christmas Eve morning. My nephew, Ben Govero, also lives in Texas, and they had gotten together to make the trip back home to Missouri for Christmas. They had lots of funny stories to share about the Govero Christmas Road Trip! The kiddos were so excited to have her home. Emma Jean woke up, and looked out the window to see Kelly's truck and trailer sitting out there, and squealed "Kelly's home!!" I made pancakes and we all sat around and had breakfast together, laughing and listening to stories. That evening, we loaded up and headed to Keith's parents' house for the annual Govero Christmas Eve get together. My daughter, Jen, was at my mom's house. She called, and said that they were coming to the Govero's and they were bringing Grandma Adams with them! It was a surprise, but a good one. I truly think mom enjoyed herself. She got out of the house, and she got to have conversation with lots and lots of people. Jen, Mom, and Jen's boyfriend, Mike loaded up around 8:30 and went back to mom's. We stayed a little while longer, but by 9:30 or so, we too were loading up our crew. By the time we got home, we were all tired as we carried the younger ones inside to bed. Christmas morning, we got up around 7ish to watch Emma open her presents, teehee. This year was a very different year for us, and the focus was not on the gifts. There were a few under the tree, but nothing compared to Christmases past. Mom and Jen arrived around 11ish, and my son Nick, and his family arrived about the same time. We all gathered around a table of good food and had good fellowship, as we celebrated the birthday of our Lord. After dinner, Nick's wife, Jessica sang a couple of songs for us! She sang one of my favorites, "Mary Did You Know". She has a beautiful voice, and sings acapella.

We received 4 box seat tickets for Christmas, from Mike and Jenna, to see the Radio City Rockettes at the Fox Theatre on Saturday night. Keith "declined", so it was my daughter Kelly, Jenna, Mom and I. My daughter, Jen, turns 21 on the 30th of December, so we used that as our birthday dinner celebration. We went to the show, then out to eat afterwards at Herbie's in the Central West End. It used to be Balaban's, where Jen worked until it closed and she was forced to find other employment. As we were walking from where we parked the car, to the restaurant, Kelly was walking on the outside of us, next to the cars parked on the street. As we walked by this little white car, a huge German Shepherd tried to eat her up!! It was sitting in the back seat of the car, but apparently Kelly got way too close for that dog's comfort, and he decided to let her know she was too close!! I thought Kelly was going to have a heart attack! We laughed all the way to the restaurant, and for quite awhile once inside! It was tooo funny.

This morning, as we were getting ready for church, my son called and said that he had a commercial to film today, and Jess wanted to go with him, so could they bring Ruger over. I never miss an opportunity to watch my grandson, so yea!!! We packed him off to church with us, and he was such a good boy, he was awake during the music portion, but once Bro. Carl started preaching, Ruger laid down with his plug, in Kelly's lap, and went right to sleep! We then came home to a big pot of beans and ham and cornbread. What do you do with your leftover Christmas ham??? Soul food baby!!

Today has been a relaxing day, watching my kiddos play together, watching my grandson play with them. I'm trying to practice what I preach, and let go and let God. I'm trying not to think about the fact that Tuesday morning, again, we will be leaving at 6am to go to Barnes again. At 8:15am I will be getting an EKG, and at 9:30am, another biopsy. I can do this...........

Good Morning folks out there in cyber space! I am here to "eat crow", so to speak. I have said my daddy was a baby when it came to pain tolerance. Let me just say, I got no sleep last nite!! He didn't complain near enough about this port thing!! The more the lidocaine wore off, the more my neck and chest area hurt, where they had placed the port. Actually, it was my neck muscles that were hurting, and only when I used them. Ha! You don't realize how many times your neck muscles flex! Smiling, chewing, laughing, even when you need to "raise your voice" to say something to your teenagers, teehee. My, my, my, this is going to be fun. I can't even grit my teeth, instead of raising my voice. So, hmmm, I just have to say what I need to say in a gentle, quiet spirit. That's going to be uh, hm, different.

I just need to vent a little here. This is Tuesday. Christmas is Thursday. I have absolutely nothing under the tree for my teens!!!!! I did have some things I had bought back in the summer for my little girls, and they have been pulled out and wrapped. But for Ethan and Adam, nothing. For Jessy and Kate, nothing. And, it goes without saying nothing for Nick, Kell and Jen. I have been a bit distracted, and kept thinking, after I'm done with this, or after I'm done with this. I still have time. And after each of the procedures, it took me a day or two before I felt comfortable getting out and navigating the "zoo" that's out there this time of year. My daughter, Kate, works at Wal-Mart. She comes in last nite, after working a 10 hour shift and declares...."I hate Christmas!!" Of course, I said, as strongly as I could without using any neck muscles, "KATE, DON'T SAY THAT!!! YOU DON'T HATE CHRISTMAS! CHRISTMAS IS JESUS' BIRTHDAY!!!". She said, ok, I hate what they have turned Christmas into, can I say that??? There you have it, from the mouth of an 18 year old babe. She is getting to see, up close and personal, what Christmas has turned into. I am torn between, letting Christmas come, without trying to get something under the tree for my kids that are "old enough to understand", or just letting it go. This morning, I am leaning towards letting it go. I still can't turn my head either direction without feeling "pressure", since I can't really label it as pain. Therefore, I don't feel like that is a condition I can drive with. Not to mention, it is drizzling freezing rain and sleet out there. My son, Nick, just called from town to let us know the roads are hazardous, and the crowds are worse! So, I guess, the decision has been made for me. What's there is there, and nothing more.

I think I have Christmas Eve and Christmas Day covered, when it comes to my mom. My husband's family have their get together on Christmas Eve at his mom and dad's house in Festus. Jenna has volunteered to go be with mom on Christmas Eve. She says her and Mike, her boyfriend, will go to Grandma Govero's to make an appearance, then they are going to mom's to cook her dinner on Christmas Eve. Then Mike will leave, and Jen will spend the night with mom. Christmas morning, Mike will return to pick up Jen to have breakfast with his mom and family to watch them open their presents. Then Jen will return to mom's to help her make banana pudding and then bring her down to my house for Christmas Dinner. Then, before dark, return mom back to her house. I say before dark, because mom keeps saying, as long as I am back home before dark. Of course, all this is easily changed by the weather, but at least if the weather turns bad, Jen will be there with mom, and she won't be alone on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day.

Pray for us!!

We got in the car this morning at 6:35am. The temperature was 3 degrees. Slightly chilly today! We drove the familiar route to the hospital. 55 North, get in the left lane to exit onto 44 West. A drive that never fails to bring memories flooding back, that I have tried to push out of my mind. Only, on my current routine, I do not get off at Grand to head to St. Louis University Hospital. I go one exit past that, get off at Kingshighway, and head towards Barnes-Jewish Hospital and the Siteman Cancer Center. A place my daddy wanted to be. A place my daddy repeatedly told us was "the best" hospital. We pull into the parking garage that has already become a familiar routine. We have already learned to go past this level, start down the other level, so as to get ahead of the "rookie parkers", and get the best parking spots. We find our way to the 2nd Floor Radiology where I am to get a MUGA scan to test my heart health, establish a base line, before they start the chemo. They stick me once in the left arm, inject me with something. Then, they insert an IV in my right arm and inject me with something else. I am then escorted into a different room, told to lay on my back very still, while they take pictures of my heart with this huge camera thing. The good thing about that procedure is that they let me keep my phone, which I had playing my Praise and Worship songs through my headphones! About an hour later, I am released. We then head to 3rd Floor Radiology Procedures, to have the Portocath installed. That lasted about 2 hours, and they gave me some sweeeeeeet sedation stuff! I was awake, I could hear them, I could even answer their questions, but I felt nothing, and basically didn't care what they were doing, LOL! Then they wheeled me back into recovery, where Keith was brought in to hear the "discharge instructions". I am to pick up nothing over 5 lbs with my left arm for the next 7 days!! And nothing stronger than Tylenol for pain. We then gave my nurse, Karen, a call and she met us in a conference room on the 7th floor to go over my prescriptions and what side effects to expect. I have been known to faint whenever I get really scared or nervous. As we were sitting there in that conference room, as she was going over all the meds; "compazine is an anti-nausea drug blah blah blah, Zofran is also an anti-nausea medicine blah blah blah, lorazepam is an anti-anxiety medicine which has good anti-nausea properties blah blah blah. You will also be given Neulasta, an injection that you will have to give yourself the day after each chemotherapy treatment blah blah blah." The more she talked, the warmer that room got and before I knew it, the clouds were coming in. I mentioned with a shaky voice I needed water. Keith was on it. He saw it coming. I mentioned to Karen, while Keith was gone to get me some water that I was feeling slightly dizzy and she suggested I lay my head on the table. Seriously...... Out of respect, I did that....for about a minute. I realized quickly that wasn't going to slow it down. I said, I am gonna have to lay down on the floor. She began to get nervous, no honey, you don't need to lay down on the floor. By the time she was at the "honey", I was flat down on my back, laying on the cool floor. Keith was wiping my face with a wet paper towel, and talking me out of it. Karen left and returned with several choices of food and beverages, one being OJ!!! Keith set me up, I drank the OJ, and began to feel better. Keith was making excuses about having nothing to eat since yesterday, and it was 2pm. I knew better. That may have played a slight part in this, but I feel it was more the "familiarity of the drugs, the side effects,", the whole deal. It was her talking. It was memories flooding way too fast. It was me not wanting to talk about it, and me not wanting her to talk about it!! It was me wanting to scream "just give me the papers, I can read, besides I know everyone of these drugs and what the side effects are!" I wanted to run out of there, down the hall and back to the parking garage! But, they had one more stop for me to make. I had to go across the hall, get blood drawn one more time, for this one last test they needed to have in their files........a pregnancy test! LOL! Now that is laughable, is it not? They have x-rayed me, injected me with radio active die to make the pictures show the contrasts, etc. I mean, seriously, now they are going to do a pregnancy test?? But, hey, they need that paperwork and test result in their file. Routine. Whatever, we then left and headed for the parking garage. On the way home, we stopped at Arnold Ready Mix to pay a concrete bill or two, then on to Herky to stop and check in on mom. She seemed to be in good spirits, so after she asked a couple times where we had been, I told mom that we had just come from the hospital. She said again? Didn't you say you were there last week having some tests done? I finally told mom, that yes, they had found cancer in my breast. She asked me, rather quickly, what they are going to do about it. I told her they were going to start me on a treatment plan of chemotherapy for several weeks. But then told her the story of comparing leukemia and breast cancer was like comparing an elephant to a mouse. Two very different animals. Breast cancer was curable. And I wasn't going to be in the hospital. All my treatments were going to be out patient, one day a week, for several weeks. I think she was ok with all my explanations. I hope so. I guess time will tell.

Prayers are welcome.....

This morning, Nick, Jess and Ruger, joined us at our church for morning services! It was "Gift Sunday", and they presented each and every child between the ages of 2 and 4th grade, in church today, with a gift! It was so cute to see Ruger open his present on stage, as well as Emma Jean, Kassy and Kimberly. Kim and Kass both got backpacks with water bottles that sported the logo "Kid City at Calvary Temple". Emma and Ruger both got toys! When Bro. Carl read the prayer list, my name was on the list. Some came up after church, wanting to know why. Very emotional.....

I am not to have anything to eat or drink after midnight tonight, until after the PORT is put in tomorrow morning at 10 am. After I am done with that, I am supposed to meet with my Clinical Nurse, Karen, to go over my prescriptions and what each drug is for. I have been reading on line what to expect from each of these drugs. Some of it is scary. But, most of what I am reading is convincing me that, even though this will not be a fun journey, it will be a journey that I will be able to get through. I have a good support system. I can not imagine the people that make this journey without the faith I have in my God. I spent all of 2007, "helping my dad" walk this path, or so I thought. Apparently, it was more to prepare me to walk the path I am about to walk. When my Oncologist sat down to begin to explain to me what a PORT was and what to expect. Tears filled my eyes. Again, not because of what he was saying. But because I had to say, I know what a PORT is, and I know what it is for....my daddy had a PORT. Again, memories. I don't know whether it is a good thing or a bad thing that I am so familiar with the terminology, the tools, the tests, etc. When I was processing all this Friday, I reached up on my shelf, and got down "The Notebook". I kept a notebook all during the journey of dad's battle against Leukemia. Everything from meds, to notes about how he felt on each day, how he responded to each drug or test or procedure. I wanted to read about the day daddy got his PORT. It was not hard to find. "Daddy got a port put in today. He left his room about 8:30 and returned around 11:30. He was asking for breakfast, saying he was hungry and had gotten nothing to eat today, and had not had any coffee." As I read this, again, memories flooded back. It is all still so vivid, even today, more than a year later. It is just so weird that now it is me hearing everyone say, we will get through this, it will be ok. I can hear daddy saying, "Quit talking to me like I have one foot in the grave!" But I also am reminded of how many times he had to go to some procedure, have some tests run, and what all we said to try and calm him down, keep him from being worried. Now I know, it doesn't matter what is said. I know that daddy did it, and he was a baby when it came to pain tolerance. But that doesn't stop me from being nervous about tomorrow.