I have been going back and forth with emotions these days. Ok, not even "back and forth", more like all over the map. So, is it the drugs I am still on for the Cancer? Is it a symptom of menopause? Is it part of the everpresent grief process? Is it a symptom of my life? We as Christians are not supposed to be depressed. We are supposed to always show the joy of Jesus. Don't get me wrong here. I do have the "joy, joy, joy, joy, down in my soul." But, there are days that I allow the circumstances of life bump my focus. I should not allow that, I know. I need to get more in the Word, listen to more Christian music, but life keeps getting in the way of that too! I have been talking "at" the Lord a lot lately, and I know I need to do more "listening" for direction. That's the trouble. I know what I need to be doing, I know the right things to do, I just am not doing them. That makes all this even worse. "There are no good decisions, just decisions." We as Believers, we have all the head knowledge we need. Most of the time, we even have the heart knowledge we need. It is the application of all that knowledge that seems to make life a bit tricky. It is not enough to say we believe God is in control. What should set believers apart is how they live their life. Do we actually live our lives as if God is in control? I remember when I found out that I was pregnant with my Emma Jean. She was baby number 10. I was 46 years old, and my "baby" was 5 years old. Enough time had passed since my last pregnancy, that I had already dealt with the mixed bag of emotions that came with being too old to birth anymore babies. Whether or not I wanted anymore children, is not the point. I had accepted the fact that I was too old to have anymore children. When I knew that I was indeed pregnant, and was going to have another baby, I had a flood of emotions. The main one was fear. Fear of birthing a baby at 46 years old. Fear of what people would say when they found out that we were going to have another baby. I shed some tears, I'm not going to lie. And what my husband Keith said to me was "God is in control. Either you believe that or you don't. And if you do, then why are you crying? You can tell people we are going to have another baby, when you can tell them without crying." I was scared! I let fear get the best of me. I let the fear of what other people think of me get the best of me. I let circumstances that were scary, shake my belief, or my confidence, in who is in control. I know better than that. I was raised better than that. Not only did I live with parents who set a very high mark and lived a good example, but since my marriage to my husband, we have developed a very strong faith muscle of our own. Every child has to develop his or her own Christianity, their own faith. When Keith and I were expecting our second child, Kelly Rene, the factory where Keith has worked since he was 18 announced they were closing their doors. Keith's dad worked at that factory. His grandpa had worked at that factory. It was a huge employment provider for this area. But here we were, with one child and one child on the way, and faced with unemployment and cancellation of our insurance. Even after the company offered him various positions within the company, in other locations, we prayed about it, and Keith felt very strongly that God was going to take care of us, and something else would turn up.....in Festus. He did not feel at peace with accepting the employment if it meant we would be moving our family away from Festus. Lots of years later, lots of faith trials later, and I am still letting circumstances fill me with fear. God has always, always been there for me. He has never let me down. Yet, like the Israelites, when trials come and make life hard for me, I doubt Him. After all He has done for me. It is so frustrating. When does Christian maturity come? How old will I be when I am mature in the faith? Will I ever be? I have received the news that a very dear friend that was in a car wreck about a month ago, has gone home to be with Jesus. She was my age. She was a good friend. I loved her.

Hello people! I realize I have not written anything on here in over a month. I am so crazy busy. I did have a wonderful Christmas with all my family here. My momma even agreed to come down and spend the night at my house on Christmas Eve, so that my daughter Kelly could be with us on Christmas morning. That was a first! We were all so thrilled and excited. It does make things easier when mom is agreeable and "goes along with the plan". That is getting less and less these days. As mom progresses in this disease, she gets more and more adamant about doing things her way. "You have to use this door, not that door, to go in and out of my house." "You need to wrap up the baby this way BEFORE you put her in her car seat." "You need to turn up here and take this road, it will be faster." Creative re-direction is the tool of choice these days.

I am still traveling back and forth to do my Herceptin treatments every 21 days. I got a letter in the mail Monday, telling me that my recent bloodwork pathology showed that I was extremely low on my Vitamin D levels. Normal readings should be around 40-50, and mine were 14! So, they put me on prescription level Vitamin D. You can buy 1000 iu over the counter. I need 50,000 iu weekly, minimum. So they gave me 50,000 iu pills to take once a week in addition to the over the counter ones I am taking. The fatigue is still annoying me. I still manage to push through my day and get my stuff done, but by dark-thirty, my mind is gone, and I can barely make a clear thought, much less a coherent conversation. And emotional? Geez, I am so emotional these days, if you look at me with your mean face, I will more than likely cry! I will try and explain to you through my tears that I am ok, and just to give me a minute, but still....will cry. I try and get all my emotional stuff out of the way in the mornings. But, occasionally, something will sneak up on me, and bam....my focus is whacked. Once I get a good night sleep, I am much better in the mornings! I am asking for prayer, as there are many issues I am facing at this time. So many that to try and put them into words would just make me cry, and then I would not be able to finish this, so just move me up to the top of the prayer list, please. God knows what the needs are, and God answers prayer. I know this to be true, which is why I am asking all my prayer warriors out there to pray on! I need to be held up in prayer, as Satan is attacking with the big guns. My daddy used to say, our biggest weakness, is an unguarded strength. Well, something I had always thought was strong, has recently been attacked, and I need some serious prayer from serious Christian believers. Thanks, in advance.....

Hey there folks! I sure hope you all had a Happy Thanksgiving! Mine was full, LOL, in more ways than one. I have been hosting the big meal at my house for many years now. This year, my sister, Lois, and her family joined us again. They live in Chicago, so it is easier for them to join us in Missouri for the holidays. Especially, since Bryan, my brother-in-law's family lives in Missouri as well. I was very blessed to have all 10 of my children join us as well. Plus, as in year's past, we had a few additional guests. Those of you with teens, know that they usually have some of their friends come as well. And this year was no exception. For those of you who need to know a head count, let me help you out. There were twelve "original" Govero's, my daughter-in-law and grandson (13-14), my daughter Kate's boyfriend (15), my daughter Jenna's fiance (16), three additional friends (17-19), my mom (20), my sister's family (21-28). Yep, we had 28 people for Thanksgiving dinner! And believe it or not, we had food left over, LOL! I am pretty sure everyone had a good time. After the big meal, some retired to the couches to just relax, while some went outside to work off some of the calories they had just consumed. There were basketball games, football games, and some just riding four wheelers all over the farm, enjoying the beautiful day we had.

The day before Thanksgiving, I was at Barnes, getting my Herceptin treatment. There is a rumor going around that I am done with all my treatments. Well, I am not exactly done. It is winding down, yes, but won't be done for a while yet. I still have to have Herceptin treatment every 21 days through March, 2010. In May, I will begin the process of re-construction. Sometime after March, I hope to have this Porta-cath removed. But, for now, my burns from radiation are all healed up. I still am carrying around the extra weight gain that comes from Herceptin. As of this writing, I have gained 21 extra pounds since this journey began. I can barely contain my excitement at that knowledge. Can't wait to see what the final total will be, considering I have 3 more months of this Herceptin treatment. Trying to make me feel better, my plastic surgeon told me that "don't worry, we will need all that extra flesh to re-build you later". I am still trying to feel better about that. I just keep telling myself, "this too shall pass", and someday, this will all be behind me, and I will again, be my normal self, with my new normal body. My hair is growing back too! It is now long enough to actually curl with a curling iron, and this week, I have actually used hair spray again! Geez, the things that excite me now days. I am still working on getting rid of the fatigue that is also a side effect of all the stuff I have been through. I walk a little more each day, but I am still not up to my 2 miles I was doing.

Now that I have you all caught up on the Thanksgiving stuff, and the cancer stuff, I want to vent a little. Bear with me here. Has anyone else noticed all the stuff going on in this world these days? Satan is alive and well on this planet earth, and walking to and fro, seeking whom he can devour. The blatant sin around me these days never ceases to amaze me. Nobody seems to fear God anymore. Even though the bible clearly states in Hebrews 12, how God will punish His children, people just keep on living in sin, daily, as if there is no God. Now don't get me wrong. I know that the Bible also says we all sin. But the Bible also tells us to "go and sin no more". So, as Christians, we should at least be TRYING not to sin, TRYING to live a Godly life, TRYING to show the world there is something different about a follower of Christ. When a Christian sins, there should be remorse, we should feel bad! We should try harder, do better. But daily I get news that breaks my heart. News that yet another "believer" has fallen, or worse, walked away from their faith. They have decided that "it is just not worth fighting anymore". "life is too short", or "I deserve to be happy". People just aren't willing to do the hard things anymore. If it is hard, they walk away. Marriage is hard. My mom and dad were married over 55 years. Keith's mom and dad have been married 62 years! At the rate that this generation is going, not to mention the younger generation, I doubt seriously that will be found in a few years. Give it 10 years, and people who are willing to do whatever it takes to stay married, will be hard to find. It is way too "acceptable" to live together without benefit of marriage. It is way too acceptable to have a baby, without being married. "bastard n. A child born out of wedlock." Yea, that's in the dictionary! Hmmm, does that mean the dictionary is a "religious book"? Because to get married before you have a child, well, that's just some religion telling you what to do. Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral." Hebrews 13:4 That's Bible, people! I know people in their 70's, that are living together without getting married, because "she would get her social security cut in half if we get married!". I know people who are struggling financially, and their answer is not "for richer for poorer". It is, "I can do better than this. I am gonna divorce you, go out, get me a job." It is the same line Satan has been feeding people for years....the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. If marriage gets hard, lets throw in the towel, go our separate ways, and ignore the fact that we stood before God and VOWED to each other. We made commitments to each other, in front of witnesses! And this generation that we are raising up now, watching all this, are gonna grow up seeing, words are just words....empty promises. People will say anything, in the heat of the moment, to get what they want. But they will not stick to their word. There is no honor anymore. There is no character. It is hard to find anyone under the age of 30 who is willing to do hard things, and walk the walk of a "disciple of Christ". I know they are out there! I have friends that are doing it! But I am sure they are feeling like the lone ranger. You can always find a huge support group for sin! But finding a "support group" for those that want to go against the grain, stand up for Christ, do Godly things, make Godly choices, come what may? That is harder to do. Too many people let money dictate their morality. Let their friends' opinions, dictate what they will or will not do. Not many are willing to do what looks good in God's eyes. Do what God wants them to do. That would just be hard, it would cost them something! My daddy used to call it "cheap grace". They profess faith, if it's easy. But if it costs them anything, well, let me think about it. Today, the Bible Study I went to, was out of the text Hebrews 12. We jumped around to Romans as well. It was about how to live for Christ in stressful times. Yea, I needed to hear that!!!! I am not the only one, I am sure. Stress is all around us. Satan is attacking every single family I know right now. Some are suffering financially, some have children that are walking away from the faith of their families, thumbing their noses at God! Some have thrown in the towel on their marriage, saying "they're done!". The constant stress and frustration causes many Christian parents to feel like failures. They pour their life into their children. Try to raise them in Christian homes, take them to church, teach them about the Bible, teach them about Christ, and yet, as soon as they get their own "freedom to make my own choices", they don't live Christian lives. The choose sin. They no longer attend church. They move in with their boyfriends/girlfriends. The Bible says, "train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it." OK, so, I keep telling myself, my children are not old.......yet. My prayer this week, is for Christians to stand up and do the right thing, the Godly thing. Even if it costs them something......even if it hurts.

I admit, because I post on Facebook alot, I sometimes forget that some people don't participate in the social network system. And then, I get an email that gently reminds me that some people are just wondering how I am doing. I am finished with my daily trips to Barnes for radiation treatment therapy. I am burned to a crisp. It didn't start to get bad until the last week. And although they warned me that the skin would continue to burn, even after the radiation was completed, I guess I didn't believe them! But yes, after a week, it seemed to be getting redder and redder. It was actually getting worse, even though I was done! And, I am burned on my back, because some of the rays apparently go all the way through my body. So to say I am burned "through and through" would not be an understatement. But, the team at the Radiation department have been very good with giving me the tools I need to try and be comfortable. I am using a creme called Aquafor. When that didn't give me much relief, they gave me some stuff called Sulfur something. Oh well, this too shall pass. I finally read somewhere on one of the breastcancer.org sites, that I should use those non-stick pads, and wrap myself after applying the ointments. And surprisingly, it has given me some relief. I still can't wear the appropriate clothing, but I have decided to take a week or so off from my normal running here and there to allow my body some time to heal. Which is good, considering I have caught some kind of virus. I went to the Beth Moore conference with the ladies from FBC-Festus last Friday and Saturday. Then on Sunday morning, I went to church with my family and my mom. Then Sunday afternoon, I attended a baby shower given in honor of my daughter Jenna. Somewhere in all that, I caught something. By Wednesday night, I was running a fever of 102. I called my Oncologist, and they called in a prescription for me. Right now, I am low on infection fighting cells, so they are not taking any chances. And with deer season in full swing, all my "big people" are gone to the deer woods. So, here at home, it is just Kim, Kassy and Emma and of course, me. So, with that said, it is now time for me to finally lay on the couch for some much deserved down time. My girls are thrilled with pot pies, frozen pizza, and Ramen noodles! Keith was having a hard time trying to decide whether or not to leave me laying on the couch and go off to deer camp with his buddies. I encouraged him, go on, I'll be fine. I need to lay on the couch for a few days. Really, I'll be just fine. So, on Wednesday afternoon, he left, with Adam, Jessica and Ethan. I truly intended to not leave the farm. Really, I did. But, after a couple conversations with my mom, I felt the need to drive to Festus on Thursday. Mom did not go to Bible Study on Wednesday, again. She said it was because there was no gas in her car. She said, "I went and got in the car, but my gas tank said empty! So I just got back out of the car and came back inside. I don't know what happened to all my gas!" Well, I loaded up my girls and headed up there to see what was going on. Once I got there, I got her car keys and said, let's go see what's going on mom. As soon as I got in the car, sure enough, gas hand was on E. But once the key was inserted, and turned, it jumped up to Full. I carefully explained that to mom, and she seemed to understand. We went back inside and after chit chat, I decided to leave the girls there with mom while I did some running. Once that was done, we had lunch, and I loaded up the girls and we came back home. I have been here ever since. Yes that's right. I left the house on Thursday, but not since. I have been taking it easy here on the farm. Of course, Keith had called in re-enforcements. Jenna and Galina came in on Friday. They were here all day on Friday, and stayed until dark. Jen had to be back at work on Saturday morning, so she left sometime Friday night to go back to the city. Kell came in on Friday night sometime, because when we came downstairs Saturday morning, there was Kell, asleep on the couch. And, although she was off and running around today, she said she is coming back here tonight to sleep, and plans to hunt in the morning. Yes, I have red-neck girls. Oh yea, Keith called this evening, and says he got an 8 pt buck! I didn't ask how big or anything, because I just don't care, teehee. Meat in the freezer is all I care about! I told him how Emma was now sick, and has a fever of 103, but that I am able to control it with Ibuprofen. She goes from laying on the couch, sick and whining, to sitting up, and walking around playing, depending on where in the cycle of time she is. I hope this thing doesn't make it's rounds through my whole family!! Thanksgiving is coming! I am also coming up on my one year anniversary of when I started walking this cancer path of my own. Last year, I put my mom on the plane to Colorado for Thanksgiving on November 16th, and as soon as I put her on the plane, I drove straight to the clinic for a check-up. I knew when I went that they were going to tell me I had cancer. Well, I can't say I knew, but I suspected they would. I had already been on the Internet, and done my own checking. Sure enough, they set me up with an appointment to go to Barnes for a "diagnostic mammogram". The rest, shall we say, is history. It has been a long year filled with 24 weeks of chemo therapy, followed by a right side mastectomy in June, and finishing up with 6 weeks of radiation treatments. This whole thing has changed my perspective on so many levels. I used to say, "pick your battles". Now days, I have come to be even more picky on what I am willing to battle for. Family has become even more important to me than I could imagine. Making memories seem so much more precious. Time is something you truly don't get back, and you don't get "do overs". I want to live my life pleasing to my Lord. I want to live my life in a manner that honors my Lord. I know there are days I fall short of that goal, but that is still the goal. I will press on towards the mark. I want to run the race, I want to finish the race. I want to love my kids and my husband, and my grand kids! I want to make smart choices and decisions. I want to set a good example for my girls of how to be a Godly woman as well as a Godly, submissive wife. I want to live like I was dying, but live a life of decency and honor. I am glad to be married to my husband. I love him with all my heart, and he is a good man. I am honored that he loves me and makes me feel that I am the center of his world. I love that he is "into me". He makes me laugh, and he makes me cry, and in the course of our 29 years together, I am sure I have been so mad at him I could spit. But, I wouldn't change one thing about him. He is the love of my life. I am blessed. God has richly blessed me with my family. Words cannot express it properly.........

Hey there folks! Today, the weather here in Missouri is absolutely gorgeous!! The sun is shinning, the fall colors are popping, and the temps are mild. Yesterday it got up to 75 degrees, and it was nice to get to sit outside with my mom in her swing. Those days are few and far between these days, and getting fewer. It was nice to take advantage of the nice weather with my mom. I have passed the half way mark with my radiation treatments!! Woohoo!! I am still making the daily trip to Barnes/Siteman Cancer Center. My time slot is 11:40, but I try and switch it, on a day by day basis. Some days they give me a later slot in the afternoon, and I try and get the next day as an early morning slot. That way, it seems I have more time at home with my kiddos. They have been so good about not having mommy around very much these days. They are such troopers. Jessica has stepped up and become the number one chef. She does the cooking, without me even having to come up with an idea for her, or a menu for her to work from. These days, I am feeling so very un-organized. I used to be Executive Assistant to the Managing Partner of a well known accounting firm. I went to college. I had my files in order at home. I could, at any moment, find whatever I was looking for, even if it was the receipt for some piece of equipment we have had for 10 years!! These days?? Ha! A totally different story. My desk stays piled up with papers that need to be filed. My books are a couple months behind, teehee. Not to mention everything else that is on my plate these days. When I got the chance to spend some time with some friends from our rodeo days recently, we talked about how your life can change in a phone call. How events that come up in your life, can alter your future plans, whether you want it to or not. My life in 2007 changed. Things were put on hold, such as our rodeo activities. The kids back then, were very good about it all, very understanding. Then, again in 2008, things were put on hold for different reasons, in order to help others adjust to a new and different lifestyle. And yes, again, things were put on hold because I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. We keep saying, someday, we will once again go and do like we used to go and do. We will once again be "normal". We will once again participate in the sport that my kids had grown up in, and come to love. We will once again get to rub shoulders with friends that we were once as close, or even closer than family, friends we rarely see anymore. But I keep telling myself, through all of this, my kids are learning things that are way more important than reading, writing and math. Yes, those things are important. And, yes, they are still learning all their academics. Yes, we are behind where we should be, but we are daily, one step at a time, walking this path the Lord has put before us. God has plans for us, as a family. When He put me on this path, He didn't just me on this path. He knew, that because I would be walking this path, it would also affect my family, my kids, my husband. It would change our perspective on many things as a result of this path. Things we use to take for granted, now, seem trivial. Other things, seem so much more important. Relationships, traditions, and memories have been moved to the top of the list of "goals". When people get older, they tend to look back on their memories and their relationships. Those things are what brings smiles to their faces. These are the life lessons that my kids are learning these days. The sacrifices we can make, the ones we get to make, in order to make someone else happy. These are hugely important. Teaching important lessons like, making changes in your plans, your goals, in order that someone else can be happy. "It's all about me!" seems to be the message that saturates our society in today's world. When it comes to making sacrifices for others, serving someone else's wants or needs, that is hard to do. Especially if it is hard. Especially if it will cost us something. Like the song on one of my favorite CD's...."deep water faith, in the shallow end." If our faith is stretched to the point of pain, or past where we can actually see the results, then, well, life gets harder, and we lose our focus. If we are forced to make decisions "in the heat of the moment", and those decisions are not popular, then we begin to re-think them, question whether or not we made the right choices. It is getting harder and harder to maintain focus these days. But, thankfully, God knows our motives, and God looks at our hearts. If I can do nothing else, I want to keep that thought in my mind. No matter what I do, wrong or right, I want to please God. God knows that, in my heart of hearts, I don't want to do anything that would bring him shame. So, even when I screw up, God picks me up, dusts me off, and sets my feet back on the path, and gives me the help I need to walk this path. This path that is so full of snares and distractions, that on any given day, it is hard to remember where I am supposed to be, much less what time. I am going to be finishing up my last radiation treatment the first week of November. I am grateful, that so far, I have only slight pinkness and itchiness. I am rubbing the lotion and the Aloe Vera gel daily, twice a day. Even when I stay at my mom's house. I have asked her to rub it on my back shoulder blade that is getting pink and itchy as well. Pray that I will finish this path, without blistering. I sooo don't want to deal with blisters and peeling!!! But, like the rest of this path, I will deal with whatever comes up. I will try and deal with it in a manner that is pleasing to the Lord. But, when I fall short of that goal....forgive me. I heard one of the radio preachers this week, talking about being a hypocrite. He said, as Christians, we have goals and standards we want to be able to live up to. And the only way to not be a hypocrite, is to NOT have goals and standards! We fall short of our goals and standards, and others label us a hypocrite. But, because we are not willing to give up those goals and standards, we keep on trying, day after day. So, yea, there are days I fall short. I don't act like the godly Christian woman I want to be, I strive to be. But, I am not going to throw out my goals and standards, because I fail. I will continue to hold them up, as the goal. I will continue to give it my best, despite all the distractions and painful things that come into my life these days. Despite all the frustrations and disappointments, I will continue to try and respond in a manner that says I have something different in my life, something different in my heart. My daddy used to say, that was a true test of a Christian. When life gets hard, and we are forced to respond to something hard, painful, or disappointing, what comes spilling out?? It is "easy to be a Christian", when life is easy. When the bumps in the road come along, how do we respond? We should respond differently. We should respond in a manner that would make someone stop and go....wow. That would make my cheese slide off my cracker, and my cracker slide off my plate!! I fail in that occasionally. I do have melt downs. But, when I do, I cry out to my Lord, ask HIS forgiveness, and He always picks me up, and sets me back on the right path, refreshed and renewed. Thank God for his mercy!!!! Without God's mercy, I know I could not walk this path I am on. I don't know how those that don't have a relationship, a faith in God, get through one minute of their day!! Praise God! Thank you for this day!! Every day is a gift!!

I have now completed 13 radiation treatments. I am just now beginning to get a little "itchy" in some spots. The doctor told me that is how it begins, with itching. I am doing the cream daily, morning and evening, to try and avoid the itching and peeling. But, I do have some itching. Oh well, I will up the cream applications. As I went to lay down on the radiation table last Friday, I was discussing with the Lord, my frustrations with the whole process. Admittedly, I was letting Him know how frustrated I was with the fact that I even had to do this whole radiation thing, and how I wish He would just give me some sort of peace, or a sign of why I have to do this. Within minutes, the technician walked over and hit the play button the cd player and the song by the BeeGees began to belt out....."Staying Alive, staying aliiiiiivvvvvvvvee". I laughed out loud! The nurse turned around and asked if I was alright. I told her I just asked God why I had to do this, and He instantly gave me an answer! She said what was it? I said, well, you hit play, and it said....staying alive. I figure that was a very clear answer. She didn't seem to be as convinced as I was, teehee.

Life has been busy since we got back from Florida. For starters, last week, Kelly called me early one morning, and told me that "grandma fell and hit her head". I talked to mom on the phone, and once I was sure she was ok, told her I was on my way. When I got there, she had a cut on her head that was bleeding, and they had a rag on it. It wasn't bleeding badly, but it looked like it could use a couple stitches. It took some talking, but I got mom to agree to go to the "doctor to have it looked at". Once in the car, I took her to the ER at St. Anthony's. They did an EKG, and a Cat Scan, and a couple x-rays. Once they were convinced she was fine, other than the bump on the head, they came in and cleaned it all up and glued it shut. Apparently they don't stitch anymore, they super-glue! Thankfully, they didn't opt to keep her, and released her to go home. She kept saying she wasn't staying and they had better not keep her this time. My opinion is that mom is not eating like she should, and was putting her clothes away from her suitcase. Lots of bending over, up and down, she got dizzy and passed out. She's a hard headed woman, and no matter what I say, she just says, "Deb, I don't eat the way I used to eat, I know, but I do eat." Right after she had her seizures, I had made several phone calls to inquire about some services like Life Alert and Meals on Wheels. Right after her seizures, she was all about doing whatever it takes to stay in her home, agreeing to everything I suggested. She even told the doctor that I was building a room addition for her. She even went so far as to say, "Deb, I don't want to take my bed down there, but we can take that bed from the blue room. That way, my bed will still be here for when I want to come home for awhile." Yea, well, the further we get away from the seizures, the more confident mom gets about her ability to stay in her home. And, the more she becomes convinced she is not ready for things such as Life Alert and Meals On Wheels. The Meals on Wheels people are very kind, and just answered the questions, and that was it. The Life Alert people, however, have called me numerous times since then, trying to close the deal so to speak. I put them off because of going to Florida in September, didn't want to be paying for something during that month, that we would not be needing. Then when we got back, they called once when I was in the office with my doctor, so again, I put them off telling them I would call them when I got my mom to agree to all this. It is an upfront expense, as well as a monthly fee. I am already paying for mom's Jitterbug phone, both the upfront fee, as well as the monthly fee. I am trying to do what I can without upsetting mom, and if it doesn't cost her anything, she will agree more, but if it costs her something, well, then, she doesn't need it. That is just mom. Kind of like the Aricept. More times than not, I pay for that. I figure it will all even out eventually. The hardest thing about taking care of mom right now, is her inability to actually make a decision. She does respond to suggestions, but if she feels you are trying to make decisions for her, she gets a little, hmmm, how do I say this....angry? The other day, after my treatment, I was on 55, headed south, and fully intended to stay on 55 and go right on by Herky, and go home. I was tired, and just wanted to be home. As I was coming down the highway, I called mom, just to check on her, make sure she was ok and not expecting me to stop by. She was fit to be tied! She was so angry with me, that she told me not to come by because she was too mad and upset. I tried to talk to her, asking her why she was so mad, what I had done, told her I had been at the hospital, I had not done anything. She said she got a phone call, but she didn't remember who it was from, but she told them she had not authorized this to be done, and she figured I had authorized it, since I am here, and I am the only one that could have authorized it, so it must be me, and she was upset that I had authorized something without talking to her about it!! I went down to the next exit, turned around and headed back to mom's. She answered the door, with a very angry look on her face. I tried to talk to her, tried to help her remember who called, what they said, anything!! She didn't know who it was, what they had said, just that she was mad! I finally just gave up, told her I was hungry, and was gonna fix something to eat. She said, in a tone, she was not hungry and not to fix her anything. I said, fine, but "later, when you get ready to eat, will you want soup or spaghetti?" She said, "probably soup, but I am not hungry right now Deb, don't fix me anything." Ok, mom. I just messed around in the kitchen for about 20 minutes or so, unloading the dishwasher, washing some dishes, and making the soup. When I got it done, I said, "mom, the soup is ready, are you ready for some now?" In her normal mom tone, she answered me, "Sure, soup sounds good." I set the table with 2 bowls, 2 glasses of tea, some crackers, and mom came in and we sat down to eat supper together like nothing had happened!! Then her neighbors came in, Lloyd and Ada. We had a nice visit with good conversation. When we were done, I cleaned up the mess, and when Lloyd and Ada got up to leave, so did I and we all walked out at the same time. Later that night, when I called mom to check on her before bedtime, I asked her if she had gotten any more phone calls. She said, "No, I don't think I have talked to anyone today on the phone but you. Did somebody say they called me?" I smiled, as I hung up. Successful "creative redirection" is a wonderful tool. For her to be sooo upset one minute, and within 15 minutes, not even remember it at all?? Amazing. Now, mind you, since then, I have brought it up a couple times. Like reminding her that I have talked to Life Alert people, or Meals on Wheels people. Reminding her that the Life Alert people are still calling often, and I keep putting them off, because she says she is not ready yet, she is not "that far down the road yet". Gently keeping that in her mind, I hope, so that she knows I am putting them off and they may go around me and call her, she will be aware that we are talking, and they are wanting us to make a decision. She will hopefully be aware, and therefore, not be mad and think I have authorized something that she didn't agree with. Just one part of the up and down roller coaster rides in my life. Last week, on Wednesday night, all my family went to the visitation for a very good friend of ours that died of a heart attack. He had just turned 50, like 2 weeks ago. On that Wednesday night, I am certain mom didn't eat supper, since neither I, nor Kelly was there to urge her to eat. She did eat lunch that day, just not supper. But nevertheless, that next morning was when she passed out, fell and hit her head, and I was once again taking her to the ER at St. Anthony's. And then, ended up taking her with me to my radiation appointment, since we were already in St. Louis, and I didn't have time to actually take her back home, then turn around and head back up to Barnes. Not to mention the gas and mileage!! This week, she had been great. Yes, she still has her up and down days, some days are better than others. And with all this rain we have been having, it is not conducive to her sitting out in her swing, watching the people come and go. So, yea, she has been cooped up in her house, and it shows. Her moods and her memory is definitely based on how tired she is, and how stressed she is. And when she can't get outside, and sit in her swing, she starts to think about winter, and being cooped up in the house all the time. She starts to repeat a lot more often, and says often, "the bible says to come before winter". But, today, the sun is shinning!! The beautiful fall colors are creating a beautiful display of God's handiwork. If we go up there for church tomorrow, I will take mom for a car ride and show her some of the colors!!

Hey there folks! I know, I know, I have not written anything in soooo long. We had a wonderful time in Florida. We enjoyed seeing many of our old and dear friends that are also owners in the timeshare we go to every year. This year, however, we all seemed to enjoy each other more than last year. I don't know what was different, but this year, every night, we all sat out around the pool and hot tub and just enjoyed pleasant conversation until way after dark. We met knew friends this year as well. Our new friends we met this year, are not owners at the timeshare where we were, but they own somewhere else and just traded for the beach this year. We became instant "best friends", teehee. My new best friend, Alice, was a lot of fun, laughed a lot, and seemed to find fun in everything. She was 48 years old, and and "un-claimed blessing". We had lots in common, though. Seems she had spent the last 20 years of her life being a caregiver to a family member who had Alzheimer's Disease. Her mom has been gone now almost 2 years and she is beginning to get out and travel some with her Aunt and Uncle. She walked on the beach with my Ethan in the mornings and afternoons, as they looked for sand dollars. He showed her his "hot spot", and taught her what to look for. Ethan was the master sand dollar hunter. He found 14 whole sand dollars, and even found 2 live ones! I had never seen a live one, so that was pretty cool to see it motoring through the sand. We grilled out every other night, and enjoyed dinner by the pool. It is such a blessing to have such a wonderful place to spend your vacation every year. I know some don't agree with timeshares, but to us, part of the fun of the vacation is getting to see your friends every year, year after year. I especially enjoyed seeing mom fellowship with all of her friends that she has come to know and love for so many years. She seemed so totally relaxed and enjoying her time there. We have now been back two weeks, and life has regained it's fast pace, immersed in reality. We arrived home on Saturday, the 19th of September. Although we traveled together up I-55, Keith in front, and mom and I close behind, he got off at Exit 150, and mom and I had to continue on up the interstate to her home, another 45 minutes. After being in the car for 2 days, Keith was not about to drop off all the kids and then get back in the car and head up to get me that evening. So, I spent the night with mom, and we got up and went to church the next morning. My family met us there at church. After grabbing some lunch, and taking mom back home, my family followed us to her house, and I got in the car with them, and finally after two weeks, got to see my deck, my horses, my Yorkie, and my farm!! The sitting on the deck had to wait until I was given a tour of the room addition and all that had been done while I was gone. Lots of hard work had been accomplished, even without me there to supervise and manage! But like all vacations that end, reality came in way too fast and furious. Monday, I had a doctor's appointment with my radiologist to begin that path of 6 weeks, Monday through Friday, daily radiation treatments. On Monday, they had to re-mark me, because I had washed all of their markings off. They didn't give me any trouble at all. They didn't even ask what happened to them all! They just laid me down and went to work on putting them all back on. It was long and it hurt. By the time they were done marking me all up, they said, "you can relax your arms now". I said, "yea, right! I can't even feel my arms!" And trust me, to move them, brought tears to my eyes. And yes, I was sore for days after that. Tuesday, was a mock radiation day. What that means is, that they take me to the actual room where I will get radiation daily, and actually use the radiation machine to line me up with all the markings, and make sure everything is a go. Wednesday, was a long day, as it was my regularly scheduled Herceptin/chemo treatment that I still have to get every 21 days until March, 2010. So, that morning, at 9am, I was doing labs (blood work) on the 7th floor, then doctor appointment with my Oncologist, then Herceptin. When that was done, I went to the Lower level to the radiology department to receive my first actual radiation treatment. It was after 4 o'clock in the afternoon by the time I was walking to my car in the parking garage. Thursday, back up early, leaving my house by 9:00 am, stopping in to have coffee with my momma in her swing, then on up to Barnes for radiation. My new normal. Everyday, have coffee with my momma in the morning, then head up to radiation treatment. This past weekend, was homecoming at Festus High School, and my son was escorting his girlfriend. To make that easier on all concerned, Adam and I drove up Saturday morning, mowed mom's grass, and got the corsage picked up, and was able to spend some time with mom that afternoon before pictures at the park, and homecoming festivities. I ended up spending the night there, so that Adam could just come there that night, instead of driving back to Ste. Genevieve county late at night. Sunday morning, was church at FBC-Festus, then lunch, then back home to the farm. And you guessed it, Monday morning, back to my new normal routine of coffee with mom, then head up to Barnes for radiation. This week we messed around with the times a bit, trying to find a schedule that gives me more time at home. Monday, was my regular time slot of 11:40 a.m. Tuesday, I asked for a later in the afternoon slot, so they gave me 3:20 p.m. I then went home and stayed at mom's house, cutting 150 miles off of my commute, not to mention the gas cost, and the sleep time. Wednesday morning I had asked for an early time slot. I was given 7:40 a.m. So, I was leaving mom's by 6:30, and heading up the interstate along with all the other people who commute daily for their jobs. Then I had asked for another late afternoon time slot on Thursday, so that would make me feel like I had all day Wednesday and most all day Thursday. So, if I like this schedule, I can spend the night at mom's every Tuesday and Thursday night, thereby cutting mileage on the car, dollars spent on gas, wear and tear on me, and spend time with momma to boot. Let's face it. I don't like any of it, but since I have no choice, I am trying to make the best of it. Pray for me as I try and walk this leg of the path. It is harder than the previous path. And I say that, feeling a bit guilty as I type it. It is easier than chemo was, yes. But the whole package deal, of having to leave my home daily, to be gone from home so much, is really out of my comfort zone. I love my farm. I love my family, and I love my life on my farm. I wish I didn't have to do this, but I do. This is the path God has me on these days. Pray that I can continue to have a strong positive mental attitude, in the midst of this storm in my life.