Praise God from whom all blessings flow! I am scheduled for a single mastectomy in the morning. As some of you know, I have been involved in many discussions with my surgeons regarding reconstruction, and the timing of reconstruction. I have met with the plastic surgeon, the mastectomy surgeon, and the oncology surgeon. They all have differing opinions because of their different expertise and concerns. My oncologist said, "I am on a time clock, I am dealing with cancer. They are not, they are sculptors, basically. I would prefer to deal with the cancer first, let your body heal, then somewhere down the road, you can make these decisions regarding what type of reconstruction and when to have the reconstruction. So, that is what I have been going with. I even put it in writing, no immediate re-construction, in an email to my oncologist, and asked them to forward it to the other two surgeons, since I did not have their email. Apparently, that didn't happen. This morning, Dr. Gillanders' office called to confirm my surgery for tomorrow, and to go over instructions again (nothing to eat after midnight, be here at 6 am in the morning, etc.). When she got to the part about "Do you have any questions?". Again, I questioned her about the expanders, and tell me again why I need those put in now, at the same time as the mastectomy. She said, "Aren't you having immediate reconstruction?" Uh, noooo. I told Dr. Tung that I wanted a DIEP Flap, later down the road, after my body healed from the mastectomy and lymph node intrusions. And that I had also shared with Dr. Tung, that I did not ever want implants of any kind. He had examined me, and confirmed that yes, I was a candidate for a FLAP reconstruction. But that he was uneasy about the radiation. So, I told him then, the decision was not to be made until we knew about radiation. He agreed, or so I thought. I asked her what the report said. She said, it says here, immediate reconstruction with expanders. I asked her, are the expanders to keep my skin stretched in case I have to have 6 weeks of radiation? She said, well, not really. The expanders have more to do with your reconstruction, but if you are not having implants, then you are right, you don't need expanders. I said, well, I know I don't know all there is to know about all this, but I have not had a peace about the expanders at all. But nobody was listening to me. So, I finally just gave up, and kept walking the path they wanted me to walk. But yes, emotionally, still a wreck. Why could I not get a peace about all this? I kept reading and studying, trying to figure it all out on my own. Trying to figure out why I needed expanders if I did not intend to have implants. Everything I read supported my idea that I did not need them, unless I was going to have them filled on a regular basis, stretching my skin over a period of time, then when the skin is stretched appropriately, the expanders are then exchanged for implants. The bottom line is, after today's conversations with Gillander's office and Dr. Tung's office, I was told that Dr. Tung's part of it will be cancelled, and we would just do the mastectomy. NO EXPANDERS!!!!! PRAISE THE LORD!!!!! I told her, "Nothing like changing everything at the last minute", she said, "oh it happens a lot more than you think. Don't worry about it. I am glad we finally got it straightened out." Sing it with me, praise ye the Lord, hallelujah, praise ye the Lord, hallelujah, praise ye the Lord, hallelujah, praaaissseeee ye the Lord!!!! I know, that you may not be feeling as elated as me, but seriously, this is a huge thing. A mastectomy is major surgery, complete with anesthesia. I have had to go do pre-testing to test my heart, to see if it could handle the "stress" that comes with surgery. I have had numerous MUGA tests, which is where they inject dye into me, then watch and take pictures of it as my heart pumps it through me. They will be injecting dye into me to see how it travels through my lymph nodes, and which lymph node it goes to first. Because of the surgery and the lymph node involvement, I am being told that I will not be able to pick up anything heavier than 1 lb, for at least a week. LOL! That rules out my purse and my laptop!! Oh well, moving on.

It seems that when we as Christians have to walk through troubled waters, it never fails, that someone is going to question God's plan for having us go through them. I have been through my share of troubled waters, trust me. I had my first miscarriage between my first child and second child. That was an ordeal by itself. I was admitted to the hospital for a D&C, but yet, they refused to do one, as it was not easily determined that I had a "clinical abortion", which is what the hospital notes were saying. Apparently, my body was still producing whatever it needed to produce to show positive on all the pregnancy tests they were running, so despite the fact that I had been bleeding heavily, for 5 days, they were saying I was still pregnant, and therefore could not perform a D&C. It had something to do with the fetal pole, which was still being seen on imaging equipment. Anyway, after more than 5 days in the hospital, bleeding heavily the whole time, I was feeling extremely weak to say the least. I felt as though I was "bleeding out" right there in a hospital! They finally came in and were sorry to tell me that I had indeed lost the baby, and they were going to go ahead and do the needed procedure. The next day, I was discharged and allowed to return home. Then when I was pregnant with my second child, my husband's factory closed it's doors, and our insurance was cancelled. After many phone calls, we were told that my pregnancy was a pre-existing condition, and yes, they would cover it. One part of the stressful situation was covered, but we still had that other part, the part about the factory closing down, and my husband being unemployed. The company had offered him, because of his seniority, positions in other states. My husband did not feel like that was an offer he could take. His family and my family lived in Festus, and he would not even consider moving us away from our family. Trust me, there was lots of prayers going on during this time. My husband finally decided to go out on his own and become self-employed. Starting a business from scratch, from the ground up, at a time when a major employer in our small town had just closed it's doors, leaving many unemployed, was hard. Lots of tough times followed. But God uses those tough times, those troubled waters, to build our faith, to grow us. "For richer, for poorer." I have endured many IRS audits. I have gotten the dreaded phone call from the officer of the law informing me they had my son at the Fredericktown jail, and we would need to come pick him up. He had been drinking, and he was only 18. That was followed by us being involved in church discipline, which ended up in us not being allowed to worship where we had been. Lots and lots of ugliness between Christian people. And, yes, on February 8th, 2007, I got the phone call from my daddy, telling me he was in St. Anthony's Hospital, and they had told him they thought it was Leukemia, but they were transferring him to St. Louis University Hospital by ambulance and he didn't want to go by ambulance, could I come and take him. Oh yea, and "I didn't tell your mom, I just told her it was something in the blood and they were going to run some more tests. I don't want you to tell her just yet until we know for sure." It know that God is in control, because when I got that phone call from my daddy, I was not at home, I was in the car with Keith, on I-270, a mile before the exit needed to go to St. Anthony's! Within 5 minutes of that phone call, I was sitting in daddy's hospital room. Mom had already left to go home, taking a ride from a member of Herky FBC, where daddy was Interim pastor at that time. Daddy filled me in on all that he knew at that time. And then, again, he told me he didn't want me to tell anyone until they got to SLU, and knew something more definite. I argued with him, and told him that my siblings deserved to know now. Daddy's argument was, they would over react, panic even, and all come, and he didn't want that. He wanted to wait until he knew for sure what this was. I stood firm, and instead of honoring my dad's wishes, I told him, I was going to call my brother and my sisters, and tell them. He was our daddy, and if this hospital thought that what he had was Leukemia, and it was serious enough to transfer him to SLU, then yea, they deserved to know.......NOW. I have been told on more than one occasion that I am "pushy, domineering and severe". I don't think I am like that all the time, but yes, I know that I can be, when it is called for. That phone call set into motion a series of events that turned into a year long battle, with my daddy fighting that life threatening disease which eventually got named as Acute Myloid Leukemia, or AML, as we learned to refer to it as. I don't know why I am including all this in today's posting, except, it is all wrapped up in what I am going through now. In the time my daddy was going through all this, there were many many trips to SLU Hospital, lots of doctor appointments, lots of changes. And because of all that, when I myself got diagnosed with cancer, it was so very very emotional for me. Every doctor appointment involved terminology that was so very "familiar". Even the drugs they prescribed for me, so many of them were exactly the same. Cancer is cancer, and the drugs they prescribe for cancer and all it's various side effects are the same. Changes are hard to deal with, no matter when they come into our life. I have said it many times, your life can change in a phone call. I know this intimately. Your life can change in an instant, when you sit down in front of your computer and look at your history file, and find out that someone in your house has been looking at things that are unacceptable. Then after all the questions, finding out it is one of your sons. After all the roller coaster of emotions that came with the year long path we walked with daddy, it ended with daddy going home to be with his Jesus. The Lord of his life. The Lord he loved more than life itself. I always felt that daddy had the relationship with Jesus that suggested he had breakfast with him this morning! Sat at a table with his coffee and chatted with Jesus. With my daddy, that was the best way to describe how I saw him live out his relationship with his Lord. Jesus was truly his best friend. And when it came close to the end of his life, and he knew it, we all began to question him about leaving momma. His words were, and I will never forget them as long as I live, "If I can trust the Lord with my life, I can trust the Lord with my wife." He went on to reassure me that God is in control, we are not. Nothing comes into our life, or crosses our path, that doesn't filter through God first. If it crosses our path, God has allowed it to cross our path. For reasons we don't need to know or even question. God's plan is just that, God's plan. As Christians, we know and trust in the one that created this world from scratch. The Bible says, the Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away. We have a tendency to read the parts of the Bible that we want, and ignore the other parts. There is a song out now, by Mercy Me, that speaks to me every time I hear it. Allow me to share some of the lyrics,

"I can count a million times people asking me how I can praise you with all that I've gone through. The question just amazes me, can circumstances possibly change who I forever am in You? Maybe since my life was changed, long before these rainy days, it's never really ever crossed my mind to turn my back on you, oh Lord, my only shelter from the storm, but instead I draw closer through these times. So I pray, bring me joy, bring me peace, bring the chance to be free, bring me anything that brings you glory. And I know there'll be days when this life brings me pain, but if that's what it takes to praise you Jesus, bring the rain. I am yours regardless of the clouds that may loom above because you are much greater than my pain, you who made a way for me, suffering your destiny, so tell me whats a little rain." Bring on the rain!! We all want the good that God has to offer, but we don't want the bad. We don't want to do hard things. We don't want to suffer. We don't get to chose our "mission". We just have to be willing servants, to be used of God, in whichever plan He has chosen for us, to accomplish whatever He wants to accomplish. Change comes, life changing situations and events happen to us. It happens to everyone, but when it happens to Christians, how we respond is what should set us apart from those that don't have faith in Christ Jesus. When our world is shaken, when our world is rocked, when things are not going according to the plan we had in our heads, we should take comfort in knowing that God is in control, and God has a plan for our life. I don't need to know the plan, because I truly do trust the one who does. When I get knocked down, because I am human, and my focus is seriously messed with, I search my Bible for some scripture to help me regain that focus. And if I am not where I can do that, I turn on my Christian music, and turn it up loud, and trust that God knows what I need to hear, and when i need to hear it, and the perfect song will come on, that lets me know, and I smile, yea, God knows..........and now I know that He knows, what I am going through in my mind, because the words to that song just calmed my spirit, and helped me to know that I am not the only one to ever feel this way. God is so good to me. He loves me, and I know that He is with me every step of every day. For that, I am truly grateful, regardless of how tomorrow's surgery turns out. I know God has a plan, and I know God knows in my heart of hearts, I want to please him, and I don't care what it takes to do that. Whatever Lord, whatever. Bring on the rain!! I love you!! I will be fine tomorrow. Whatever direction the Lord has for me, I will be fine.

I hate to keep harping on the fact that my surgery is in like, 8 days, and I still do NOT have a peace about it at all, but here I am again. I have told the "powers that be" that I do not want expanders, and I even put it in writing, sent an email, and expressed my concerns. I figured, that way, I have a written, dated record of my preferences. Apparently, they took my case before something referred to as the "tumor board" and discussed it at length. Then, at my appointment on Wednesday told me that their recommendations were that I have an expander put in at the time of the mastectomy. I guess the only way I am going to get out of having the expander is to say, in no uncertain terms, I am not having reconstruction at all, ever. I have read until I am dizzy. And, to top it off, Tuesday, when Keith and I were at Barnes getting all the Pre-testing done, Keith ran into our neighbor! Seriously, our neighbor that lives not 5 miles from us, was up there because his wife, who had a double mastectomy, with expanders put in, (by the same plastic surgeon as I will be using!) was there because she had developed an infection from the expanders and was there getting them taken out! How's that for getting your attention! Today as I was reading and researching, again, I ran across this little bit of info. I thought I would include it:
But many women decide against reconstruction for positive reasons.
They're strong women who don't feel their breasts define their identity.
They're confident women who know they can look great in clothes without showing lots of cleavage.
They're active women who want to continue exercising without any restrictions.
They're mature women who understand that love of spouses, friends, and family isn't dependent on having breasts.
There just is so much information out there, supporting both sides of this decision, and for many various reasons. And for those of you that are thinking, I should do what my doctors tell me, that is part of the problem. I have more than one doctor, and each one has a different opinion of what I should do. My Oncologist (Doctor Number 1) has said that he thinks I should deal with the cancer first, and I can always come back and do reconstruction later on down the road. The breast surgeon (Doctor Number 2) doing the mastectomy says that it is easier to do reconstruction at the same time as the mastectomy, while the skin is normal, and therefore stretches easier, before radiation. The plastic surgeon (Doctor Number 3) agrees with him. But both Doctor Number 2 and Doctor Number 3 agree that radiation limits your chances for an appealing outcome. And since, at this point, we don't know whether or not they are going to recommend radiation, I am leaning towards Doctor Number 1. Is it too late to call them and say, I am not going to have reconstruction surgery? It is a week from tomorrow! Talk about rocking the boat! But, I do not have a peace about this and until I do, I can't even think about the mastectomy, much less the reconstruction and the many different ways of reconstruction. I hate confrontations, I really do, but this is my body, and this is a life changing surgery I am about to have done! Not only will it change and affect my life, but my husband's as well! My husband keeps telling me it is my decision, and he will support me in whatever I decide. It is just such a hard decision to make. It is a decision I wish I didn't have to make, but I do, and I am running out of time to make it! I am gonna ask all you prayer warriors out there to pray specifically for me to have the wisdom to make the right decision. And not only that, that the Lord will give me the peace that passes all understanding, once the decision is made. Ready? Set.....PRAY!!!!!! (Thanks guys!)

Life has been so busy as they try and fill my head with all this knowledge, so I can make a well informed decision. LOL! Yea, whatever. Last Saturday night, I went up and spent the night with my mom!! Sunday, right after church, there was a 90th birthday party for one of mom's friends. I know she could have gone by herself, but they were calling for rain, and I didn't want mom to miss it. She has been looking forward to it for a couple weeks, asking me, "Is this weekend Arabelle's birthday party?" I enjoyed the time spent with my mom on Saturday afternoon, as we sat in the swing and watched the birds. I didn't bring the boys with me to mow her grass, since I was planning on staying the night. But as we sat there, and she made several comments about the "white flowers" (white clover, LOL!) in her yard, I decided to go ahead and mow it for her. Several weeks ago, in lieu of cash, a guy offered a mower to Keith as partial payment for the concrete job. Keith took it, and we put it at mom's. Now I don't have to load up the mowers and pull the horse trailer up there once a week to mow her grass. After the yard was mowed, we sat in the swing with some ice water and admired the birds at the bird feeders, as well as the freshly cut lawn. Sunday morning, it was so good to once again visit and fellowship with all the people at First Baptist Church Festus-Crystal City. I guess it doesn't matter how long your gone, or who is in the pulpit, one church always has a special place in your heart, and for me, that church is "good old First Baptist Church Festus Crystal City". When we arrived at mom's Sunday School class, it was full to the brim. I delivered mom, then backed out and told them I would go to "my" Sunday School class and meet up with mom in the sanctuary. We had a lively discussion in our class about the "law" vs. "grace" out of the text of Galations 2 and 3. It was very very good, and if any of you need a brushing up on that subject, I urge you to get out your Bibles and read a couple chapters. After church, we went to the birthday party and mom enjoyed visiting with many of her friends. On the way home, we stopped in for a visit with a friend of mom's who now resides at Autumn Ridge. Mom and I have visited her several times during the past several months. But on this day, when she saw me, she said, "My, you've gotten heavy!" Yea, folks, as I have shared with you, they have me on steroids, which one of the side effects is, yes, you guessed it....weight gain. I have gained about 16 lbs in the last 6 months. I can't tell you how good it made me feel to have her notice that!! NOT!!!!!! Oh well, sometimes the truth hurts. I just keep telling myself, a year from now, this will all be behind me. We are coming up hard and fast on my surgery date. Actually, 9 days from today?? Yikes!! Yesterday, I was at the hospital all day. They put me through a battery of tests they like to refer to as "Pre-testing". I had a MUGA scan, which is where they inject you with some dye, then wait 15 minutes, then take pictures of your heart valves working. They took me into the room, covered me with a warm blanket, and told me that they needed 3 pictures, and that each picture would take about 10 minutes. I plugged in my music in my ears, and closed my eyes, and laid very very still for 30 minutes or so. LOL! We then went to 1st floor, Pre-planning for Surgery, and had an EKG, a couple more sticks in my arms for blood draws, and they then sent me to have a chest x-ray. Finally, around 3:30 or so, Keith and I were in the car, headed south on 55. I know how hard it is for Keith to sit up there in those waiting rooms, and just wait, for hours and hours. So, yesterday, I took my lap top, complete with a couple DVD movies! I got him set up in a larger lobby waiting room, and he was good to go. And, when I was all done, and went to fetch him, he was actually, like, "just a couple more minutes Babe, they are about to rescue his family!" I like that response!! I will try and write more tomorrow, but this morning, I have to head back up to Barnes, for my weekly dose of Herceptin, and meet with the doctors to button up some last minute details. They did discuss my case with the "Tumor Board" last week, and the plan is still contingent upon what they find during surgery/mastectomy. If they find that I have had a complete response to the chemo drugs (all cancer is gone), then they will not recommend radiation. If they find any residual cancer, then, yes, they will recommend radiation. And, as far as my lymph nodes, they will test them, and only remove what they absolutely have to. I know God is in control, and I also know we don't get to pick and choose our "mission" in life. If we are believers, true believers, then we accept the assignment God has for us. I don't know who or what is being touched by this walk I am on, but God knows what He is doing, and I trust God. God loves me, and has a plan for my life. All He asks from me is obedience and a willing heart. I am trying to be that. I admit, on some days, I question the plan. I am like a small child, with questions for my Father. I don't always get an answer, but I can feel my heavenly father loving me, and I trust that. That is exactly where FAITH comes into play. That was part of our discussion Sunday morning. How would you explain FAITH to an unbeliever. What words would you use. You have to use words they would understand, and better yet, accept. We got lots of answers, lots of good answers. But the truth is, even for Christians, FAITH is hard to put into practice. It is easy to say you have faith when everything is going your way, when your paycheck gets deposited into your account every week, or when your healthy and your kids are all doing ok. On those days, FAITH is easy. I have said, faith is like a muscle, and when any muscle gets excercised a little more than normal, then said muscle gets sore, you have some pain to deal with. That would be why lots of people don't exercise!! They don't like pain, don't want pain. But pain can't be avoided in this life. Pain is guaranteed, but misery is optional. I heard Barbara Johnson say that at one of our Women of Faith conferences and have never forgotten it. When your faith is being stretched, it is painful. But a necessary part of growing stronger. I know God is working on me and my faith, because there is some pain involved in my life right now, both spiritual and physical. But, like the song I heard yesterday on the radio, there's always gonna be a mountain, I'm always gonna want it moved. But, I know God is in control, and if He is allowing these things in my life, then there is a good reason for it!! I just need to stretch and grow. I can do this, with God's help. I don't know how people who don't have a faith in God get through any of this, I truly don't. I certainly would not want to even try. I love my God, I trust Him and His ways, and I love my life. I feel truly blessed that I have such a loving and supporting family and lots of truly amazing friends. Keep on Praying!!

These past couple weeks have been so incredibly busy. Not only have I been doing a lot of research on radiation pros and cons, but also lots and lots of research on reconstruction. I did finally pin my doctor down and asked all kinds of questions about radiation and he did reassure me that radiation was not a "slam dunk". I realize that I might need it, and I don't mind doing it if it is deemed necessary. I just don't want to do "routine". When I signed on for the clinical study, I was told that I would be doing "cutting edge" techniques and trying new things, new drugs, etc. Yet, on any given day, they will give me the road map that shows "normal routine". So, I shared my emotional baggage and my concerns and he tried his best to make me understand all the options and what would be required vs. what would be put on the back burner and only used if he felt it was absolutely necessary. We again went over all the risks associated with radiation and lymph node removal, and yes, discussed peace of mind and how that played into all this as well. I felt much better when I left. I am praying, hard, that what they find in my surgery will give the indications they need to not order radiation or lymph node removal. Radiation is a bigger player down the road than I want to think about. So, needless to say, my mind has been working over-time on all these decisions that need to be made before surgery. They tell me I need to know what I want, then tell me, "we won't know for sure what needs to be done, until we actually get in there and open you up and biopsy the tissue so we can see if all that we have done has worked". Seriously, how can I make decisions on that kind of platform?? I have spent lots of time in prayer and meditation, trying to let the Lord speak to me and give me some clear direction.

On another note, there's mom. She has been doing lots better, as far as her mood. It's been a long time since she has shown the signs of depression openly. I don't know if it is the weather, the sunshine, the ability to get outside and sit in her swing or what. I really don't know what it is, but I am grateful for it. Don't get me wrong, she does still have memory issues. She has been going to the doctor these last few weeks for several check-ups the doctor has ordered. We spread them out so that I could get mom to go to them. We were afraid to load them up, afraid that mom would balk and refuse to go. She has had a mammogram, pap smear, a bone density scan, blood tests, urine tests, and the MME (Mini-mental Exam). That's a lot of doctor visits for my mom! Mom thinks that doctors will find something wrong with healthy people! and yes, she has constantly questioned why we are going here and why we are going there. She keeps telling me that she is fine, and when she was growing up you didn't go to the doctor unless you were sick and she is not sick, so she doesn't need to go to the doctor. I just keep trying to convince her that times have changed, and these are all things that even healthy people do, to try and catch anything that might crop up, so that they can treat it and deal with it before it turns into something big. They have all been routine exams, and with every one, I tried to turn it into a day out, go to lunch together, something positive! We would laugh and cut up together, so that her memory of the day was positive and fun. Yesterday, I decided to try and see if mom would go to the doctor by herself. It was her pap smear, it was at the local doctor's office, a place where she is used to going, knows where it is, etc. I called her Sunday night to remind her. She talked positive about it. I called her Monday morning, again, positive. I was thinking, this is great, she is going to do it all by herself. I called her 15 minutes before her appointment to see if she was walking out the door. She wasn't, but I talked her into it. I called her 30 minutes later, and yes, got daddy's voice on the answering machine. That meant she had gone!! Yippee!!! Yea, well, my glee was short lived. As I got busy on my day at home, time passed, and before I knew it, my phone was ringing, and it was mom's doctor's office. They wanted to share their "concerns" about mom and her "responsiveness to the what the doctor had to say". Hmmm. The doctor wanted to urge me to come with mom on all her doctor visits from now on, because she was not nearly as responsive this time as she had been in the past, when I was there. Ya think?? Inside I was laughing, trying to picture my mom giving the doctor a hard time. What exactly does "not as responsive" mean? Mom does not like doctors, plain and simple. She is 72 years old, and she does not take any medications, other than Aricept, and that is a fight. She will tell you, she doesn't take pills, and is not going to take any pills everyday for the rest of her life. Well, the doctor went on to share that they had gone back in mom's charts and found my number, and was going to put my number down as the contact number from now on. I asked them why, and they shared that they had called mom several times regarding the results of her mammogram and blood and urine tests. Mom had acted like she was going to come back in for further tests, but had not returned to the office. Apparently, her cholesterol is elevated and they had discussed a diet and exercise plan with mom to try and correct those numbers and they were met with some, er, resistance. LOL! And, not only that, her mammogram showed some abnormalities, so they would like to follow that up with an ultra-sound. They had called mom and discussed all this with her over the past couple of weeks, and mom had sounded like she would, but again, she was a no show on every follow-up appointment they had made for her. So, they had gone back into her records and located another phone number, mine, and was now trying to recruit my help in getting mom to these follow up appointments. I assured them I would give it my best shot, but I could not guarantee anything. Mom is, well, mom. She is very much a "force to be reckoned with", but I would try. I did ask them more about the "abnormalities" they found in the mammogram, and shared with them that I had breast cancer. They tried to reassure me that they did not feel it was cancer, but that it did need to be checked out further with a different machine. It might just be calcification's in the breast tissue, but they wanted to be sure. I agree with that, so that is the first thing on the agenda. They made her an appointment for this Friday, back up at Excel Imaging. The last time we went up there, we went to Olive Garden after the appointment, and we laughed and had a good time, and mom kept saying over and over, "this was a good idea!". And, I took advantage of that and said, "Mom, if they ever try and make any other appointments for you, you tell them, as long as they make them close to lunch, so we can go to Olive Garden, we are so on it!" We both laughed and she said "I will!". That will be my "creative re-direction" for this next appointment. I will try and remind her that she agreed to this appointment, and we made it for 10 o'clock so that we could go to Olive Garden when we were done! Pray for me, as I try and get this accomplished. And pray that whatever abnormality they found will be nothing serious. Life is good.........but incredibly complicated.

In the morning, I get to meet my Plastic Surgeon. I am a bit nervous. They will show me pictures of before and after reconstruction. And of course, discuss all the "options". It just seems as though we go over and over and over, the "options".

This has been a long week, with something everyday and yes, I am tired. Because I am tired, I am way more emotional than I should be. I know this. I feel very "weepy", and I know why, but that doesn't seem to make it any easier to deal with! My sister, Beck, and my mom got back to Herky on Sunday afternoon around 4 o'clock. I drove up there to spend the night at mom's, since Beck's flight left St. Louis at 8:15 a.m. Mom's AC was not working, and it was 80+ degrees in the house! We bumped it down to 65, then went outside to sit in the swing, to allow the house to cool down some. After many trips in the house to check the progress, we finally decided to go grab some supper somewhere cool. After we returned to the house, it was still hot. I called Keith, we ran through some things to try, but nothing was working, and everything seemed to be in order. I finally, reluctantly, called Frosty. I hated to call him on a Sunday evening, but by this time, I knew church was over, and we were sweating! He assured me he could come over in the morning. In the meantime, I shut the ac down, and opened some windows, turned on the attic fan, and cooled the house down to about 70! Praise the Lord! Some dear friends came by and stopped in for a visit. We so enjoyed spending some quality time with Lloyd and Ada, with some good conversation. Once they left, mom was ready to close the windows, since "we can't leave them open all night". Oh well... We turned off the attic fan, closed all the windows, and mom wanted to turn the air back on. She was not convinced it was not working. After her and Beck went to bed in mom's room, I took my pillow and laid on the floor beside the vent. Air is air, and at that point, I just wanted to feel some air blowing in my face! I slept off and on all night, and finally it was time to get up and get ready to take Beck to the airport. We were up, dressed and walking out the door by 5:45 a.m. Mom had opted to stay home. Beck and I stopped at the bottom of the hill to grab some much needed coffee before heading north on 55 towards the airport. We had good conversation on the way up, and that was really the first time we had the opportunity to talk at all, without mom. Before I knew it, we were pulling into the East Terminal, and it was time for Beck to get out and head towards security. I truly miss my sister and the opportunity to have good old heart to heart talks. After I let her out, I made one stop to pick up something from my brother-in-law's house, then headed south on 55 towards home. I pulled up my driveway at 8:30 a.m. I went straight to the deck, where my grandson and his "Cousin Emma" were playing. Ruger had spent the night with us! My husband decided to fix us a big country breakfast with farm fresh eggs. Man oh man, it was good eatin'!! We enjoyed just chilling on the deck watching the kiddos play. Eventually, we started up the grill and grilled some salmon, and chicken and pork steaks and brats. Jenna, my daughter that lives with Kelly in St. Louis, and her boyfriend, Cole was down. My daughter Jessica had a friend that had spent the night as well, and Kate had a friend spend the night, so our house was full of teenagers and young adults!! Another one of our spontaneous Govero parties! Later on that afternoon, after everyone had scattered across the farm riding 4 wheelers, and fishing, we got a phone call from our neighbor down the road, Hildon. He was having some chest pains, and wanted to know if Keith could drive him to the hospital. Of course!!!! So, I grabbed my hair, put my shoes on, and out the door we ran. We grabbed Hildon and Peggy and drove them up to Festus to the ER. They have 2 daughters that are nurses, and they work at Jefferson Memorial, so that is where he wanted to go. On the way, we called them, so they were waiting for us when we pulled in. We all sat in the waiting room of the ER, while the girls took turns going back to be with Peggy and Hildon. Finally, around 11pm, Peggy came walking through the double doors, and informed us that they were going to keep him overnight for some more tests and observation, and that she was ready to go home. We drove Peggy back home, went in with her, got her settled in her house, and then we drove to our house, and two very tired people walked into our bedroom and I don't remember much after that. I do remember seeing the clock turn 12:15! This morning, the phone began to ring way too early for me and my husband. But, his contractors wanted to talk to him first thing this morning. Before I knew it, he was up, getting dressed, and walking out the door headed to work. Needless to say, I have been moving way slow today. Lots of research on the internet, comparing results and opinions on surgery, radiation and the timing of it all. I just wish someone else would make all these decisions for me. They are too hard. I know I am so emotional because I am still so tired. Hopefully, tonight, I will get a good night sleep, and tomorrow will be a good day and I will be ready to deal with the surgeon and the chemo and the oncologist appointments. Pray for me. It will be a long day........

Hey there folks! I hope you all are having some good weather at last! We have had a full week of sunshine this week, and my husband has worked every day. Praise the Lord!! It has been a crazy busy week though for us all. All this good sunny weather, has made the hay fields pop, and believe it or not, it is time to cut hay. If you are wondering why I have not been on here for updates, it is because life is crazy busy at this time. But, I have received several emails and phone calls from friends asking, what is going on in my life?? Without going back to the website, and actually reading what I have shared and what I have not, I will attempt to bring you all into the loop, and update you at the risk of possibly repeating myself. I have decided to do a radical right mastectomy without immediate reconstruction. My surgery date has been decided, and it is set for June 26th. They are telling me that since I have decided not to do immediate reconstruction, the surgery will only last about 2 and 1/2 hours. Yippee!! But, they still expect me to spend the night, for observation after surgery. We met with the surgeon Wednesday, signed all the consent forms, and got instructions on what to expect with surgery, recovery, time schedules for radiation, etc. They give me a "window" every time, like we like to allow from "2 to 4 weeks" between chemo and surgery, and we like to allow from "3 to 4 weeks" between surgery and radiation, then radiation has to be 6 weeks, un-interrupted. I pressed for the minimum every time. If I was given 2 to 4, I said, "Let's go with 2 weeks." They commented, every time I give you a window, you take the least. I said, "If it is not an option, don't give it to me." I feel like this walk has been a walk that I have been steadfastly walking, climbing, and I don't see why I need to fearfully walk it. God is with me, God is the one in control of this situation, from start to finish. I have had that peace since day one. I have not one day, felt as though I was "dying from breast cancer" as much as I was "living with breast cancer". I have not experienced the fear aspect of leaving my family. I know that God has a plan here, I don't know what the plan is, but then again, I don't need to know the plan. Whatever His purpose is for using this Breast Cancer in my life, or someone else's life, I am totally trusting God. It's just a bump in the road. Because of how hectic this last couple of weeks has been, both for me and my husband and his business, not to mention the farm, on Tuesday night, the decision was made for me to find someone else to go with me to chemo on Wednesday. I tried to urge him that I didn't feel the need for a babysitter, but he said it would make him feel better if I had someone with me. So, I made a couple of calls, and my daughter, Kelly, ended up meeting me at the hospital and went with me to the surgeon's appointment, and then to labs, but by the time it was time for chemo, she had to leave for work. Which is fine, considering I sleep through that anyway. While the nurses were getting me all hooked up, we were chatting, they always ask about my family, and how the side effects are going,etc. Apparently, the young girl sitting across from me was listening. Because when she got up to leave, she laid a piece of paper on my tray table and walked out without saying anything. This young girl looked to be in her 20's, low 20's. I picked it up to read it. She had written a small page out of her journal, encouraging me! She shared that every flower that blooms has to go through a lot of dirt before it blooms, but it gets there, and that I would get there as well. She then had included a verse in Romans about Hope, and Character and Strength. I felt like an angel has just ministered to me! What a sweet thing for that young girl to do. I told the nurses what she did and began to ask a little about her. I know they won't share anything too personal, but they did share that she comes everyday, and yes, she has cancer. Not breast cancer, but cancer. I was reminded again, this place that I go every Wednesday is full of cancer patients. And not all of them have as good a prognosis as me. Some of them are terminal, and they know it. I remember when we were going through this cancer stuff with daddy, I would tell people, anytime you think you have it tough, spend a day on the oncology floor at any hospital. It helps you put everything in perspective. It will always make you once again, appreciate the blessings you do have in your life, that you tend to take for granted. Blessings like just being able to drive your car. I remember that was what daddy said he missed and didn't realize he would. He would watch out the window of his hospital room, and watch the cars come and go up and down the highway, and say, I miss being able to just get in my car and drive anywhere I want. It's the little things that so many who are dealing with cancer have to give up. The personal independence is a biggy. I see so many coming in on Wednesdays, that are needing assistance, needing help in and out of their wheelchairs. All of it is just so familiar. What breaks my heart, is seeing the people come in alone, in their wheelchairs, doing it all by themselves. Where is their family? Not everyone has family to depend on. I am grateful that my daddy, as he was walking the cancer path, he was surrounded by his family and friends, and there was always someone there to help. I am equally grateful, that I am walking this cancer walk, again, I am surrounded by my family, and there is always someone there to help. When my daughter-in-law heard that I was going to chemo alone, she said, "Why didn't you call me? Call me next time, I will go!" Sometimes I just don't even think about the people that I could call, and that would be willing to go with me! God has just blessed me beyond words through this whole thing. I have always felt his presence. I have always felt the peace that passes all understanding. Even when I am in the surgeon's office, and they are trying to mess with my focus, it doesn't take me long to get back to God, and get that reassurance, that no matter what "they" say, I know the Great Physician, and I know that I know, He's got this!! As I sit here on my deck this morning, the breeze is blowing, I can see my finches and blue birds eating out of my bird feeders. I can see and hear the buzz of my hummingbirds, and enjoy their playful antics as they empty my feeders. And as I look out across my yard, I can see my roses blooming this year, in greater abundance than any previous year. Life is good and full of opportunities to thank God for His blessings. Yesterday, I drove up to pick up my sister, Beck, from the airport. My niece, Sarah "Bean", is graduating high school in Chicago. I could not make the trip to take mom, so Beck flew into St. Louis, instead of Chicago. She will drive her and mom to Chicago today. They will spend some time together in the car, making the 6 hour road trip to see Lois and her family, and share this special time. Then on Sunday, they will come back to St. Louis. I am planning on spending the night with mom on Sunday night, because Beck's flight leaves at 8:15 am on Monday morning! Yea, do the math. That means we will be leaving mom's at 6am! Beck's flight came in yesterday at 12:40, so once we picked her up, we went to lunch at the restaurant where my daughter, Jenna, works and had a wonderful meal. We then stopped at the South County mall, where mom returned the dress that Beck had gotten her for Mother's Day, because mom thought it was too long. We thought it looked good on her, but unless mom likes it, she won't wear it, so with Beck with us, we took mom to J.C. Penney's and had a girl day shopping at the mall! It was fun, I do admit!! We laughed together, as mom tried on dresses and finally settled on one that looked great on her and she liked it as well! It was green and mom looks good in green!! Beck took care of the return credits and exchange and we were out the door and in the car headed home by 3:30 or so. It was a full day, but it was a wonderful day. I truly enjoyed spending the day with my mom and my sister. Memories I will cherish forever. We don't get to do that very often, not near often enough. I love to hear mom picking at us, picking at me, teasing with each other. Just being normal mom. It was a good day. I truly hope that she has a good time with Lois and her family, and Beck this weekend and everyone enjoys each other's company and makes great memories!! Pray for them folks!! I have to run, now, my husband ran off and left his phone here at home today, and has called asking me to come up early today and bring it to him. I have an appointment this afternoon up there, but I guess I will get going and head up early to take my husband his phone. Ya'll have a great day! I'm doing great!!

I feel the need to warn you that today's post may be a tad long. I feel the need to vent about yesterday's all day doctor visits. We were at Barnes/Siteman Cancer Center/Center for Advanced Medicine, parked and walking in the door by 7:55am. My first doctor visit was with the surgeon that will be doing my mastectomy. I knew we were going to be discussing my options, and that he would want to know my thoughts, and yes, I don't mind telling you I was a bit anxious, nervous, whatever you want to call it. I don't know what I want to do! Like I have shared before, so much of this is all mixed up with "self image", "outward appearance", etc. Well, we go back into this examination room, I am handed my "pink gown", which is becoming all too familiar, and after I am examined, we discuss pros and cons of doing mastectomy, bi-lateral, vs, just the infected breast. We then discuss immediate re-construction, vs. waiting the 9 - 12 months like my oncologist suggested. During this part, I got so very emotional, and even began to cry! Yes, me! I just am not ready to make these decisions. Keith said, he thought it was because I was tired, as I have not been sleeping well these past few nights, trying to get myself ready for this very appointment. I knew they would want me to tell them what I wanted, and I don't know what I want! After a long visit, lots and lots of discussion, the surgeon decided I needed to actually meet with a plastic surgeon, who will actually be in charge of the re-construction part of the surgery. Apparently, this surgeon that I was meeting with is only in charge of the mastectomy part. He can take them off, but doesn't specialize in putting them back together. And before they can put together the surgical team, they need to know who the players will be, aka what players I will need. If I am going to wait, and not do reconstruction until later, then they won't need the plastic surgeon on the team. After all this discussion, they escort Keith out to the waiting room again, and move me into the mammogram area to do yet another mammogram to check the progress I am making with the chemo. After all the chemo I have had, they are using the phrase "dramatic response". In other words, they like the way my body is responding to the chemo. The lumps can no longer be felt by physical examination! And the sore is gone and healed up nicely. Of course, all that said, they are quick to remind me that it doesn't change the course of treatment. They do the chemo first, in hopes that the tumors shrink, but even if they shrink to nothing, as they often do, we will still do surgery to remove the breast tissue. Because, that is the only way to be completely sure how much cancer was there to begin with, how much is still there, and if it has traveled through the lymph nodes. They told me that they are leaning towards removing all the lymph nodes on the right side, just to be on the safe side, because of the original size of the tumor. They have measurements they go by, if it is this size they do this, if it is this size, they do this, etc. And because of the size of my original tumor, they said from the start, not a lumpectomy, but a mastectomy. And yes, removal of lymph nodes, regardless of whether they find lymph nodes involvement. So, no "sentinel lymph node testing", removal of all on the right side. Possible sentinel lymph node testing on the side without cancer. After the mammogram, I am escorted back to the surgeon's exam room, Keith is brought back in, and we discuss the findings of the mammogram. Even though they cannot feel them with physical exam, there are still some lurking in there, which means they are insitu (?), meaning those particular cells don't respond to chemo at all, which is the "why" behind the surgery. Leaving the insitu there is like leaving a root to grow back at a later date. They must be surgically removed. So, there you have it. We discuss a little more on the options, him still suggesting the immediate re-construction, because of what the radiation will do to the skin, making it a little harder to work with later. Blah..... I was so ready to move on to the next appointment, and having to use an extreme amount of self-control in not telling him, I get it, I know what you want, so can we move on now? Those of you that know me well, know that I have never been one to do what they (the docs) suggest. Teehee. Like when I did have my babies in the hospital, I did not want a fetal monitor, I did not want to remain laying in the bed, I wanted to get up and walk the halls, let gravity help!! Here I am, having to put up with their routine practices, what they like to do, normally, in this situation, blah blah blah. After, earlier, they liked to throw the phrase around "we like to customize our treatment plan to each individual case". Yea, do I need to bring my tape recorder back in here?? I go back and forth from "somebody else make the decision, tell me what to do, and I will do it", to "don't tell me what is routine, what you like to do. I don't give a rip what you like to do! This is my body, it is not normal, obviously! You keep commenting how remarkably I am responding to treatment, therefore, something about my body must be slightly different?? Can we discuss slightly different options? Grrrrr. Ok, that being over, it is now 10:30am. Yes, been in there with that doctor since 8:15 am. Now, we move from 5th floor, to 7th floor, to get signed in for my blood work/labs appointment for 11 o'clock. We thought we might have time in between for some lunch, nada. We get in for labs, and she asked me when I last applied my lidocaine for my port. Uh, maybe before my surgeon appointment, like 7:30 am or so? She laughed, and I said, how long does that stuff stay active? She said, well, hmm, I don't know, I have never tested it past an hour. Usually, our patients put it on about an hour or so before their labs. I don't think I have ever had a patient that put it on three and a half hours before. I'm sure it will be fine. I laughed and said, I watch Lie to Me, you just lied to me! Every muscle in your face just reacted to that statement! So, she grabbed that needle to poke into my port, and said, ready, one two three, and poke. I didn't feel a thing! So, we both laughed and said, well, now it has been properly tested, it will stay effective for over 3 hours!! She taped me up, and I then moved over to get checked in with my oncologist, Dr. Ellis. Yes, it is now 11:30. We get called back there rather quickly, and I get weighed in ( I lost 2 pounds!!!!! Woohoo!!!!). That's a whole different story. I expected to lose weight through this, and the steroids are helping me put it on! Yuk side effect. The nurse escorts us to the exam room, where I am handed yet another pink gown, and told what to do with it, LOL. The doctor comes in, and does a physical exam, again, tells me how wonderfully I am responding to treatment. The down side to that is, that every week that I tolerate these drugs well, they up the dosage. With the end result, of course, seeing how much they can give me before I actually start complaining! After the examination is done, they exit, telling me I can get dressed and they will all come back in and we will discuss our options. Oh no!! More options?? This is the 6th treatment of 12, so apparently at the half way point, we discuss what we have left, how much time, and where we go after that. I have not actually met with the radiology doctor yet, so I am still rather clueless to that procedure, and that came out in our discussion. When they said that I was to remain on herceptin for a year, they informed me that even after we finish this next 6 rounds of chemo, I would still be coming up here at least once a month for herceptin in the infusion room. Ok, I am ok with that, not liking it, but ok with it. Then I asked about radiation, and the frequency of that. DAILY!! Bejeebers, I was not prepared for that. The length of time would be determined by the radiology doctor, but it could be daily for a week. Which, I know, sounds like such a short amount of time, but I live an hour and a half south of the treatment location! So, I may ask them if I have an option of driving to Farmington for radiation. I happen to know and pass a couple buildings that actually say Radiation Therapy on their signs. I will definitely be asking them about that! 15 miles is way better than 75 miles. Anyway, we discussed what the surgeon had told me that morning, what his suggestions were, about immediate reconstruction. My oncologist did not agree. He wants me to wait 9 - 12 months, not put anything in there that might introduce infection. And even though there are those that don't have any problems with immediate reconstruction, there are just as many that do, so "how do you Americans put it, it's a crap shoot!" He went on to share that he had just spoke in front of 900 breast surgeons in California, and he took a vote. How many favor immediate, how many favor waiting, and he said, it was about even. So, he felt like it was opinion, not science. He favored dealing with the cancer first and foremost. Do whatever is necessary to removing that threat from my body. Then once the body has fully recovered, skin and incisions have fully healed, and then some, you can always go back and do reconstruction. But his suggestion was to put time, alot of it, in between mastectomy and reconstruction. That cuts down on the risk of infection, not to mention what radiation does to the reconstruction efforts. So, if I could just be patient, my body will, eventually, look normal, or at least close to normal, patience is the key factor here. Those that tend to get in a hurry, usually deal with complications and issues that those with patience don't have to deal with. Duh, there is wisdom in that statement, outside the cancer realm!! Anyway, once we were done with all that, we were then free to leave, and walk across the hall to the chemo labs. I sign in, we sit in the waiting area, and I decide to open my computer to maybe get a quick look at my email. (They have wireless up there!) And yes, there, in my email room, in the form of a devotional from Love Worth Finding, was this:

Daily Devotional from Love Worth Finding Ministries
MAY 6
BIBLE MEDITATION:"... even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price."1 Peter 3:4b
DEVOTIONAL THOUGHT:Are you a woman struggling with the way you look? We all know that women want to be beautiful, especially to their husbands and boyfriends, but so often women think that beauty is found at a cosmetics counter, on a dress rack, or in a jewelry box. Those things are corruptible, and what's in vogue today is out of fashion when next year's supermodels hit the runway. The only thing that will make you more beautiful, day after day, is what you nurture within yourself - serenity. The ornament of a meek and a quiet spirit is worth far more than even the most expensive jewel you can wear around your neck.
ACTION POINT:Stand in front of the mirror today. Imagine Jesus by your side, and ask Him to create in you a gentle and quiet spirit of love.

Yes, I checked the date, thinking, this can't be today's thought. How wild is that?? But there it was, in my email, on the very date that yes, I am a woman struggling with the way I look!! I'm telling you, the tears began to flow, again. Agreed, I was already emotional to the hilt, but to know that even today, in the middle of this path I am on, God knew what I needed right then, right there. And BAM BABY, there He was, to remind me what I needed to focus on, what I needed to "hear" from Him. My focus had definitely been shifted to my outer appearance, even to the point of messing with my oncologist's recommendations to wait, and be patient. I had let the surgeon get in my head, and convince me that to have a better cosmetic outcome, I needed to go with immediate reconstruction. I hear you Lord!!! Thank you!! When they did finally call us back to the infusion room, Pod 3, set me in a chair, I opened up my laptop and re-read it, and yes, started crying again at the amazing miraculous email. The nurse came by, and offered me a box of tissues, "honey, do you need a tissue?" I laughed, "I am ok, really, better than ok, just tears of amazement, and gratitude." Of course, they then hooked me up to the Benedryl, and out I went, 5 minutes, from shooting that stuff in there, to slurred speech, and Keith taking the laptop off of my lap, LOL! Not before me trying to say something to him, and him having to say, "What? Say it again? Slowly....never mind. Babe, close your eyes. We'll talk about it later." LOL! That stuff is crazy powerful stuff, and I don't mind telling you, I like it! But with everything going on in my head, I still only slept for about an hour, instead of the 3 hours. I told him, even with Benedryl, through the veins, way too much in my mind today to shut my mind down apparently. Double the dose!! Last nite, I took Lorazepam, the sleep aide they gave me. Which is why, this morning, Jessy came and told me, that when my four old, Emma Jean, was up last nite, throwing up, and crying for mommy, she came in and tried to wake me up, and said, she couldn't wake me up!! Geez, I won't take that stuff again!! My sweet Emma, crying for mommy, and my daughter having to say, mommy is sleeping, and I can't wake her up! I said, did you shake me? Well, no, but I stood by your bed, and said, Mom! Mom! Mom! You didn't even stir. So, I just dealt with her. Thank you Jessy. So, today, I am spending sitting on the couch, trying to rest some from yesterday's long ordeal. I am on the computer, reading, researching again, reading the community posts from my favorite breast cancer website. I prefer to talk to those girls that are walking this same walk, asking them, what they did, why they did it, and now what would they change, if they could. If they had it to do over, what would they would do. How long their recovery was. On there, you can always find someone, whose numbers are exactly like yours, same age, same diagnosis, "negative, negative, positive", same Grade, same stage, etc. Yet, find 50 different paths they took, and how they dealt and what their outcomes were, and compare. And not only that, how their husbands dealt, their family dynamics, so to speak. I have found it to be very helpful and informative. And of course, have met friends on there that are walking the same path, at the same time as me. Kind of like having a support group, and not have to leave home to join in. I will get on here and post more about my "other" life later. Last weekend I went up and got my mom, brought her down here and she spent the night at my house for the first time ever!! I will fill you in on those details later. As for now, today, I will leave it all cancer talk. Pray for me.........