Hey there folks! I hope you all are having some good weather at last! We have had a full week of sunshine this week, and my husband has worked every day. Praise the Lord!! It has been a crazy busy week though for us all. All this good sunny weather, has made the hay fields pop, and believe it or not, it is time to cut hay. If you are wondering why I have not been on here for updates, it is because life is crazy busy at this time. But, I have received several emails and phone calls from friends asking, what is going on in my life?? Without going back to the website, and actually reading what I have shared and what I have not, I will attempt to bring you all into the loop, and update you at the risk of possibly repeating myself. I have decided to do a radical right mastectomy without immediate reconstruction. My surgery date has been decided, and it is set for June 26th. They are telling me that since I have decided not to do immediate reconstruction, the surgery will only last about 2 and 1/2 hours. Yippee!! But, they still expect me to spend the night, for observation after surgery. We met with the surgeon Wednesday, signed all the consent forms, and got instructions on what to expect with surgery, recovery, time schedules for radiation, etc. They give me a "window" every time, like we like to allow from "2 to 4 weeks" between chemo and surgery, and we like to allow from "3 to 4 weeks" between surgery and radiation, then radiation has to be 6 weeks, un-interrupted. I pressed for the minimum every time. If I was given 2 to 4, I said, "Let's go with 2 weeks." They commented, every time I give you a window, you take the least. I said, "If it is not an option, don't give it to me." I feel like this walk has been a walk that I have been steadfastly walking, climbing, and I don't see why I need to fearfully walk it. God is with me, God is the one in control of this situation, from start to finish. I have had that peace since day one. I have not one day, felt as though I was "dying from breast cancer" as much as I was "living with breast cancer". I have not experienced the fear aspect of leaving my family. I know that God has a plan here, I don't know what the plan is, but then again, I don't need to know the plan. Whatever His purpose is for using this Breast Cancer in my life, or someone else's life, I am totally trusting God. It's just a bump in the road. Because of how hectic this last couple of weeks has been, both for me and my husband and his business, not to mention the farm, on Tuesday night, the decision was made for me to find someone else to go with me to chemo on Wednesday. I tried to urge him that I didn't feel the need for a babysitter, but he said it would make him feel better if I had someone with me. So, I made a couple of calls, and my daughter, Kelly, ended up meeting me at the hospital and went with me to the surgeon's appointment, and then to labs, but by the time it was time for chemo, she had to leave for work. Which is fine, considering I sleep through that anyway. While the nurses were getting me all hooked up, we were chatting, they always ask about my family, and how the side effects are going,etc. Apparently, the young girl sitting across from me was listening. Because when she got up to leave, she laid a piece of paper on my tray table and walked out without saying anything. This young girl looked to be in her 20's, low 20's. I picked it up to read it. She had written a small page out of her journal, encouraging me! She shared that every flower that blooms has to go through a lot of dirt before it blooms, but it gets there, and that I would get there as well. She then had included a verse in Romans about Hope, and Character and Strength. I felt like an angel has just ministered to me! What a sweet thing for that young girl to do. I told the nurses what she did and began to ask a little about her. I know they won't share anything too personal, but they did share that she comes everyday, and yes, she has cancer. Not breast cancer, but cancer. I was reminded again, this place that I go every Wednesday is full of cancer patients. And not all of them have as good a prognosis as me. Some of them are terminal, and they know it. I remember when we were going through this cancer stuff with daddy, I would tell people, anytime you think you have it tough, spend a day on the oncology floor at any hospital. It helps you put everything in perspective. It will always make you once again, appreciate the blessings you do have in your life, that you tend to take for granted. Blessings like just being able to drive your car. I remember that was what daddy said he missed and didn't realize he would. He would watch out the window of his hospital room, and watch the cars come and go up and down the highway, and say, I miss being able to just get in my car and drive anywhere I want. It's the little things that so many who are dealing with cancer have to give up. The personal independence is a biggy. I see so many coming in on Wednesdays, that are needing assistance, needing help in and out of their wheelchairs. All of it is just so familiar. What breaks my heart, is seeing the people come in alone, in their wheelchairs, doing it all by themselves. Where is their family? Not everyone has family to depend on. I am grateful that my daddy, as he was walking the cancer path, he was surrounded by his family and friends, and there was always someone there to help. I am equally grateful, that I am walking this cancer walk, again, I am surrounded by my family, and there is always someone there to help. When my daughter-in-law heard that I was going to chemo alone, she said, "Why didn't you call me? Call me next time, I will go!" Sometimes I just don't even think about the people that I could call, and that would be willing to go with me! God has just blessed me beyond words through this whole thing. I have always felt his presence. I have always felt the peace that passes all understanding. Even when I am in the surgeon's office, and they are trying to mess with my focus, it doesn't take me long to get back to God, and get that reassurance, that no matter what "they" say, I know the Great Physician, and I know that I know, He's got this!! As I sit here on my deck this morning, the breeze is blowing, I can see my finches and blue birds eating out of my bird feeders. I can see and hear the buzz of my hummingbirds, and enjoy their playful antics as they empty my feeders. And as I look out across my yard, I can see my roses blooming this year, in greater abundance than any previous year. Life is good and full of opportunities to thank God for His blessings. Yesterday, I drove up to pick up my sister, Beck, from the airport. My niece, Sarah "Bean", is graduating high school in Chicago. I could not make the trip to take mom, so Beck flew into St. Louis, instead of Chicago. She will drive her and mom to Chicago today. They will spend some time together in the car, making the 6 hour road trip to see Lois and her family, and share this special time. Then on Sunday, they will come back to St. Louis. I am planning on spending the night with mom on Sunday night, because Beck's flight leaves at 8:15 am on Monday morning! Yea, do the math. That means we will be leaving mom's at 6am! Beck's flight came in yesterday at 12:40, so once we picked her up, we went to lunch at the restaurant where my daughter, Jenna, works and had a wonderful meal. We then stopped at the South County mall, where mom returned the dress that Beck had gotten her for Mother's Day, because mom thought it was too long. We thought it looked good on her, but unless mom likes it, she won't wear it, so with Beck with us, we took mom to J.C. Penney's and had a girl day shopping at the mall! It was fun, I do admit!! We laughed together, as mom tried on dresses and finally settled on one that looked great on her and she liked it as well! It was green and mom looks good in green!! Beck took care of the return credits and exchange and we were out the door and in the car headed home by 3:30 or so. It was a full day, but it was a wonderful day. I truly enjoyed spending the day with my mom and my sister. Memories I will cherish forever. We don't get to do that very often, not near often enough. I love to hear mom picking at us, picking at me, teasing with each other. Just being normal mom. It was a good day. I truly hope that she has a good time with Lois and her family, and Beck this weekend and everyone enjoys each other's company and makes great memories!! Pray for them folks!! I have to run, now, my husband ran off and left his phone here at home today, and has called asking me to come up early today and bring it to him. I have an appointment this afternoon up there, but I guess I will get going and head up early to take my husband his phone. Ya'll have a great day! I'm doing great!!

I feel the need to warn you that today's post may be a tad long. I feel the need to vent about yesterday's all day doctor visits. We were at Barnes/Siteman Cancer Center/Center for Advanced Medicine, parked and walking in the door by 7:55am. My first doctor visit was with the surgeon that will be doing my mastectomy. I knew we were going to be discussing my options, and that he would want to know my thoughts, and yes, I don't mind telling you I was a bit anxious, nervous, whatever you want to call it. I don't know what I want to do! Like I have shared before, so much of this is all mixed up with "self image", "outward appearance", etc. Well, we go back into this examination room, I am handed my "pink gown", which is becoming all too familiar, and after I am examined, we discuss pros and cons of doing mastectomy, bi-lateral, vs, just the infected breast. We then discuss immediate re-construction, vs. waiting the 9 - 12 months like my oncologist suggested. During this part, I got so very emotional, and even began to cry! Yes, me! I just am not ready to make these decisions. Keith said, he thought it was because I was tired, as I have not been sleeping well these past few nights, trying to get myself ready for this very appointment. I knew they would want me to tell them what I wanted, and I don't know what I want! After a long visit, lots and lots of discussion, the surgeon decided I needed to actually meet with a plastic surgeon, who will actually be in charge of the re-construction part of the surgery. Apparently, this surgeon that I was meeting with is only in charge of the mastectomy part. He can take them off, but doesn't specialize in putting them back together. And before they can put together the surgical team, they need to know who the players will be, aka what players I will need. If I am going to wait, and not do reconstruction until later, then they won't need the plastic surgeon on the team. After all this discussion, they escort Keith out to the waiting room again, and move me into the mammogram area to do yet another mammogram to check the progress I am making with the chemo. After all the chemo I have had, they are using the phrase "dramatic response". In other words, they like the way my body is responding to the chemo. The lumps can no longer be felt by physical examination! And the sore is gone and healed up nicely. Of course, all that said, they are quick to remind me that it doesn't change the course of treatment. They do the chemo first, in hopes that the tumors shrink, but even if they shrink to nothing, as they often do, we will still do surgery to remove the breast tissue. Because, that is the only way to be completely sure how much cancer was there to begin with, how much is still there, and if it has traveled through the lymph nodes. They told me that they are leaning towards removing all the lymph nodes on the right side, just to be on the safe side, because of the original size of the tumor. They have measurements they go by, if it is this size they do this, if it is this size, they do this, etc. And because of the size of my original tumor, they said from the start, not a lumpectomy, but a mastectomy. And yes, removal of lymph nodes, regardless of whether they find lymph nodes involvement. So, no "sentinel lymph node testing", removal of all on the right side. Possible sentinel lymph node testing on the side without cancer. After the mammogram, I am escorted back to the surgeon's exam room, Keith is brought back in, and we discuss the findings of the mammogram. Even though they cannot feel them with physical exam, there are still some lurking in there, which means they are insitu (?), meaning those particular cells don't respond to chemo at all, which is the "why" behind the surgery. Leaving the insitu there is like leaving a root to grow back at a later date. They must be surgically removed. So, there you have it. We discuss a little more on the options, him still suggesting the immediate re-construction, because of what the radiation will do to the skin, making it a little harder to work with later. Blah..... I was so ready to move on to the next appointment, and having to use an extreme amount of self-control in not telling him, I get it, I know what you want, so can we move on now? Those of you that know me well, know that I have never been one to do what they (the docs) suggest. Teehee. Like when I did have my babies in the hospital, I did not want a fetal monitor, I did not want to remain laying in the bed, I wanted to get up and walk the halls, let gravity help!! Here I am, having to put up with their routine practices, what they like to do, normally, in this situation, blah blah blah. After, earlier, they liked to throw the phrase around "we like to customize our treatment plan to each individual case". Yea, do I need to bring my tape recorder back in here?? I go back and forth from "somebody else make the decision, tell me what to do, and I will do it", to "don't tell me what is routine, what you like to do. I don't give a rip what you like to do! This is my body, it is not normal, obviously! You keep commenting how remarkably I am responding to treatment, therefore, something about my body must be slightly different?? Can we discuss slightly different options? Grrrrr. Ok, that being over, it is now 10:30am. Yes, been in there with that doctor since 8:15 am. Now, we move from 5th floor, to 7th floor, to get signed in for my blood work/labs appointment for 11 o'clock. We thought we might have time in between for some lunch, nada. We get in for labs, and she asked me when I last applied my lidocaine for my port. Uh, maybe before my surgeon appointment, like 7:30 am or so? She laughed, and I said, how long does that stuff stay active? She said, well, hmm, I don't know, I have never tested it past an hour. Usually, our patients put it on about an hour or so before their labs. I don't think I have ever had a patient that put it on three and a half hours before. I'm sure it will be fine. I laughed and said, I watch Lie to Me, you just lied to me! Every muscle in your face just reacted to that statement! So, she grabbed that needle to poke into my port, and said, ready, one two three, and poke. I didn't feel a thing! So, we both laughed and said, well, now it has been properly tested, it will stay effective for over 3 hours!! She taped me up, and I then moved over to get checked in with my oncologist, Dr. Ellis. Yes, it is now 11:30. We get called back there rather quickly, and I get weighed in ( I lost 2 pounds!!!!! Woohoo!!!!). That's a whole different story. I expected to lose weight through this, and the steroids are helping me put it on! Yuk side effect. The nurse escorts us to the exam room, where I am handed yet another pink gown, and told what to do with it, LOL. The doctor comes in, and does a physical exam, again, tells me how wonderfully I am responding to treatment. The down side to that is, that every week that I tolerate these drugs well, they up the dosage. With the end result, of course, seeing how much they can give me before I actually start complaining! After the examination is done, they exit, telling me I can get dressed and they will all come back in and we will discuss our options. Oh no!! More options?? This is the 6th treatment of 12, so apparently at the half way point, we discuss what we have left, how much time, and where we go after that. I have not actually met with the radiology doctor yet, so I am still rather clueless to that procedure, and that came out in our discussion. When they said that I was to remain on herceptin for a year, they informed me that even after we finish this next 6 rounds of chemo, I would still be coming up here at least once a month for herceptin in the infusion room. Ok, I am ok with that, not liking it, but ok with it. Then I asked about radiation, and the frequency of that. DAILY!! Bejeebers, I was not prepared for that. The length of time would be determined by the radiology doctor, but it could be daily for a week. Which, I know, sounds like such a short amount of time, but I live an hour and a half south of the treatment location! So, I may ask them if I have an option of driving to Farmington for radiation. I happen to know and pass a couple buildings that actually say Radiation Therapy on their signs. I will definitely be asking them about that! 15 miles is way better than 75 miles. Anyway, we discussed what the surgeon had told me that morning, what his suggestions were, about immediate reconstruction. My oncologist did not agree. He wants me to wait 9 - 12 months, not put anything in there that might introduce infection. And even though there are those that don't have any problems with immediate reconstruction, there are just as many that do, so "how do you Americans put it, it's a crap shoot!" He went on to share that he had just spoke in front of 900 breast surgeons in California, and he took a vote. How many favor immediate, how many favor waiting, and he said, it was about even. So, he felt like it was opinion, not science. He favored dealing with the cancer first and foremost. Do whatever is necessary to removing that threat from my body. Then once the body has fully recovered, skin and incisions have fully healed, and then some, you can always go back and do reconstruction. But his suggestion was to put time, alot of it, in between mastectomy and reconstruction. That cuts down on the risk of infection, not to mention what radiation does to the reconstruction efforts. So, if I could just be patient, my body will, eventually, look normal, or at least close to normal, patience is the key factor here. Those that tend to get in a hurry, usually deal with complications and issues that those with patience don't have to deal with. Duh, there is wisdom in that statement, outside the cancer realm!! Anyway, once we were done with all that, we were then free to leave, and walk across the hall to the chemo labs. I sign in, we sit in the waiting area, and I decide to open my computer to maybe get a quick look at my email. (They have wireless up there!) And yes, there, in my email room, in the form of a devotional from Love Worth Finding, was this:

Daily Devotional from Love Worth Finding Ministries
MAY 6
BIBLE MEDITATION:"... even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price."1 Peter 3:4b
DEVOTIONAL THOUGHT:Are you a woman struggling with the way you look? We all know that women want to be beautiful, especially to their husbands and boyfriends, but so often women think that beauty is found at a cosmetics counter, on a dress rack, or in a jewelry box. Those things are corruptible, and what's in vogue today is out of fashion when next year's supermodels hit the runway. The only thing that will make you more beautiful, day after day, is what you nurture within yourself - serenity. The ornament of a meek and a quiet spirit is worth far more than even the most expensive jewel you can wear around your neck.
ACTION POINT:Stand in front of the mirror today. Imagine Jesus by your side, and ask Him to create in you a gentle and quiet spirit of love.

Yes, I checked the date, thinking, this can't be today's thought. How wild is that?? But there it was, in my email, on the very date that yes, I am a woman struggling with the way I look!! I'm telling you, the tears began to flow, again. Agreed, I was already emotional to the hilt, but to know that even today, in the middle of this path I am on, God knew what I needed right then, right there. And BAM BABY, there He was, to remind me what I needed to focus on, what I needed to "hear" from Him. My focus had definitely been shifted to my outer appearance, even to the point of messing with my oncologist's recommendations to wait, and be patient. I had let the surgeon get in my head, and convince me that to have a better cosmetic outcome, I needed to go with immediate reconstruction. I hear you Lord!!! Thank you!! When they did finally call us back to the infusion room, Pod 3, set me in a chair, I opened up my laptop and re-read it, and yes, started crying again at the amazing miraculous email. The nurse came by, and offered me a box of tissues, "honey, do you need a tissue?" I laughed, "I am ok, really, better than ok, just tears of amazement, and gratitude." Of course, they then hooked me up to the Benedryl, and out I went, 5 minutes, from shooting that stuff in there, to slurred speech, and Keith taking the laptop off of my lap, LOL! Not before me trying to say something to him, and him having to say, "What? Say it again? Slowly....never mind. Babe, close your eyes. We'll talk about it later." LOL! That stuff is crazy powerful stuff, and I don't mind telling you, I like it! But with everything going on in my head, I still only slept for about an hour, instead of the 3 hours. I told him, even with Benedryl, through the veins, way too much in my mind today to shut my mind down apparently. Double the dose!! Last nite, I took Lorazepam, the sleep aide they gave me. Which is why, this morning, Jessy came and told me, that when my four old, Emma Jean, was up last nite, throwing up, and crying for mommy, she came in and tried to wake me up, and said, she couldn't wake me up!! Geez, I won't take that stuff again!! My sweet Emma, crying for mommy, and my daughter having to say, mommy is sleeping, and I can't wake her up! I said, did you shake me? Well, no, but I stood by your bed, and said, Mom! Mom! Mom! You didn't even stir. So, I just dealt with her. Thank you Jessy. So, today, I am spending sitting on the couch, trying to rest some from yesterday's long ordeal. I am on the computer, reading, researching again, reading the community posts from my favorite breast cancer website. I prefer to talk to those girls that are walking this same walk, asking them, what they did, why they did it, and now what would they change, if they could. If they had it to do over, what would they would do. How long their recovery was. On there, you can always find someone, whose numbers are exactly like yours, same age, same diagnosis, "negative, negative, positive", same Grade, same stage, etc. Yet, find 50 different paths they took, and how they dealt and what their outcomes were, and compare. And not only that, how their husbands dealt, their family dynamics, so to speak. I have found it to be very helpful and informative. And of course, have met friends on there that are walking the same path, at the same time as me. Kind of like having a support group, and not have to leave home to join in. I will get on here and post more about my "other" life later. Last weekend I went up and got my mom, brought her down here and she spent the night at my house for the first time ever!! I will fill you in on those details later. As for now, today, I will leave it all cancer talk. Pray for me.........

Yes, I am still alive. It just seems that life has been incredibly busy lately. Spring, on a farm, maybe?? The garden is tilled, the potatoes are actually showing greenery, along with the weeds popping up. We have been getting so much rain, that it makes it hard to stay on top of the weeding. And yes, I know, that weeds come out way easier when the ground is saturated. It's just the whole bending over, in the mud, while the rain is dripping off of my hat that bothers me! Will this rain pattern ever end? This week, my husband has not worked one day! This is Thursday, and yes, rain this morning, and later this afternoon, heavy rain. Right now, this minute, not raining. The kids are feeding, Keith and a couple of them are down at our neighbor's house, helping him with his chores. He is 79 years old, and has pneumonia this week, so being we dearly love him and his wife, when he is down and out, and calls for help, we go. And for those of you that know our neighbors, it is Hildon. He has been sick for a few days, we were worried about him and so was Peggy. He finally got up and went to the doctor, and after a couple shots and some antibiotics, he is up out of bed, and at least sitting in the living room recliner! Big Big improvement!! I myself have had a toothache for the past few days, and finally, called the dentist and made an appointment. I made it on the same day as mom's check-up, knowing I would be up there anyway (my dentist is in Festus). Nothing like a few sleepless nights, and alot of pain to make even this mom call a doctor! Teehee! I called my oncology nurse, and ran it by her first. She gave me the go ahead, so I went ahead with the appointment. Once I got to Festus, picked up mom, and we headed to her appointment first. It went well, thanks for all the prayers!! The doctor we saw this time was wonderful with how she handled mom. She had mom on her side within minutes of us sitting in the exam room. She was very good. Very complimentary of mom's skin, how young she looked, how nobody would ever guess her to be 72, etc. Yea, she was winning mom over! Then she brought out the MME test that mom was given in December 2007. She scored slightly better than back then!! Still below "Normal", she scored 25 out of possible 30 points. She missed "What day is this?", "What month is this?", calendar related questions. When she was asked what season is this, I held my breath. Lately, after several warm days of mom sitting out in her swing, it turned cold again, for like a week, and mom has made the statement how she was not ready for winter again, being couped up in her house for another long winter. No matter how many times I would try and point out that the trees were green, the birds were singing, the grass has been mowed, the flowers are blooming, mom it is spring, this is just one of the last cold spells that Missouri is famous for in the spring. Winter, Spring, and yes, even summer thrown in the same week, typical weather for us in the spring. Last week we had a few 75 and 80 degree days!! So, anyway, I held my breath, thinking mom was going to say winter. But, by george, she said, "Spring! The birds are singing, the flowers are blooming!" Praise the Lord!! And no, we did not have a discussion that morning about the season. I didn't get there to pick mom up until 1:15, and her appointment was at 1:45. So, yea, I had to remind her why I was there, and get her up and moving to put on her makeup and get ready to go. No time for chit chat. So, I did not prompt her on her test questions. I did not know that they were going to give her that test again. But the other praise report, is that when given 3 things to remember, repeated back to the doctor, then after several other questions, mom was able to recall 2 of the 3 things! The last time, she could not recall any of them, wouldn't even try. But, back then, she was mad about even being at the doctor, and the doctor handled her differently, and it was within a week of my dad's funeral. So, yea, mom was rattled on that day. Her memory issues are way more noticeable and directly related to her tiredness and her stress level. Mess with her routine, and yep, she is worse. Noticebly worse. But, in her normal routine, many have called me in the past two weeks just to tell me how they had seen mom, or talked to mom, or visited with mom, and how they thought she was doing better. Praise the Lord for those dear friends that help me to know that I am not in denial when it comes to mom and her condition. I freely admit she has memory issues. I freely admit she is worse on some days than others. But I also freely admit, she is not ready for round the clock care yet. I do admit, that would make my life easier, and yes, more relaxed, knowing that someone was caring for mom, watching over her. But, until mom progresses further than where she is now, that just is not an option. Even though she is testing "Slight dementia/Alzheimer's", she is still capable of taking care of herself. Maybe not at the level we would like, but still at a level that is safe. Just because she is not performing at the level we would, does not make the level she is at, unacceptable or unable to live alone. And, I admit, it made me feel much better to know that she has not been to the doctor to be checked out, since December, 2007, and yet has not progressed further, or worse. Actually, tested better. So, maybe, if we continue to let mom remain independent, in her home, her place of security, she will perhaps not progress quickly. Right now, the repetition is just a minor annoyance, when compared to what she would decline to if we removed her independence. I went to the feed store this past week, and my friend that runs that store, his mom is in Crystal Oaks, in Festus with Alzheimer's. We got to talking, the store was empty, except for him and I, and we talked for nearly an hour!! He admitted that his sister, who lives in Festus, is the main care-giver for his mom, and he was always differing in his opinion of how she should handle this or that. He said, my sister finally got in my face one day, and said to me, when you start coming up here and spending as much time with mom as me, then you can have an opinion of what I should do or how I should do it, but until then, back off. He said, I took that challenge, and started going up there more, and spending time with mom, just sitting with her, and yes, I could see what my sister was talking about. It truly helped our relationship, and I began to support her more in her decisions. He said, it was hard for me to give up that time. I run a business here, I have my own family, and yes, it was a sacrifice that had to be made. But, he admitted, we get along alot better now, and agree alot more on mom. I asked him how they came to the decision to move his mom to a facility. He shared many details, helping me to be convinced that mom is not there yet. In fact, she is a long way from there. But even as bad as his mom was when they moved her to a facility, I asked him, if you had a do over, would you wait longer. He said, honestly? Yes. I asked him if his mom declined further, after she was moved from her home, and he admitted, yes she did. He advised me, "Deb, if you can leave your mom in her own home as long as you possibly can do, she will be better, easier to get along with, easier to handle. Trust me." And, I have gotten that advice from so many people who are walking this path that I am walking. People who I consider to be experts, since they have been on the path way longer than me. Even the Alzheimer's Association advises to not move them from their home, their security blanket, their routine, until all options have failed in keeping them safe at home. So, as much as I would dearly love to move mom, whether it be to live with my sister in Colorado, or with me, either way, I will continue to do whatever it takes to allow her to stay in her home. Even if that means I put 100 miles round trip on my vehicle, every time I go to moms. Even if that takes me away from my family and my responsibilities here at home on a regular basis. She's my mom, and I love her, and I want her to be happy. Right now, that means allowing her to stay in her home, alone. While we were sitting out in the swing last week, I did tell her about my good report I got from the doctor. She brought it up, she asked me if I was still getting treatments. I told her I was, and that I was responding to treatments. She asked how I knew, so I told her that the doctors couldn't feel the lumps anymore, and even had said they appeared to be gone! She said, "When did you get this news?" I said, last week. She said, and you didn't tell me?? Debra Faye, that is news you should share with your mother! I said, mom, you don't like to talk about it, and have told me and everyone else that, so I don't bring up anything about it. If you ask me, I will tell you. And you asked me! She said, well, from now on, if it's good news, share it with me. I agreed to do so. Momma, some days she is just normal. I love those days. As for my cancer, I am responding to treatments, and my life is the same as my Pre-cancer life, on most days. I am a mom, who prefers to stay at home with my children, and love on them, teach them, and enjoy my life here on my farm. I love sitting on my deck with my coffee in the mornings, and watching my humming birds, which are up to about 25 now! Yes, I love the view from my deck of my fields turning green, my hay fields beginning to "wave" at us. I love watching my kids ride their horses. Yesterday, one of my husbands contractor friends had come down to ride. He brought his real estate agent who works with him selling his houses. We told them, that Wednesday was chemo day, and that we would not be here, but they were welcome, the kids would be here and would help them get saddled up and supervise them. I do have an 18 year old, a 17 year old, and a 14 year old, who are good riders, and are capable of that job. I did, however, give my kids direction on which horses I thought would better suit their needs, city folks who think they are experienced riders, because they "have been on a horse before". We have already been down that road more than once, and seen those folks on the ground, and the horse still running away from them. So, yea, I don't care who you are, or how important you are in our business life, you are not coming to my farm, picking out which horse you would rather ride, and mounting up and riding away.....alone. Not going to happen. Horses are not like four wheelers. You can go to the barn, pick out a four wheeler, get on it, turn it on, and ride away. It will not try and run you into trees, to rake you off, or go where you don't stear it. And if you get afraid, you can take your hand off of the throttle and it will stop, right where you want it to. You can get off, walk away, and walk back and it will let you get right back on, no attitude. A horse, now that is a different story. They do have a mind of their own, and will sense that you have anxiety, or fear. And yes, will test you and your ability to control them. And yes, given any indication at all that you are not in control, will take control and go where they want, and more often than not, at a faster rate than you may be comfortable with. I told my kids, you can give them space, privacy, but keep them in eye sight at all time. If you see trouble brewing, get up there and handle it before it gets out of control, and we have a horse running through the field with the person on their back pulling on the reins trying to stop them, and the horse already determined they ain't stopping until they get to the barn. Well, they were still here when we got back home from chemo, and were sitting on the deck, having some ice water and ice tea. With all my kids, sitting around them, chatting with them, teehee. Yes, they had a good ride, but with a story to tell. Apparently, the horse the lady was on, when traveling all the way to the bottom field, had decided, far enough. The horse decided to lay down and rest a bit....with her on his back. As he went down, her legs caught herself, and she just sort of rolled/stepped off, so she was fine, just a little startled that the horse would do that. Yep, that is what I refer to as the horse having a mind of it's own. When he's tired, he's done. Thankfully, he didn't decide to throw her off, or run back to the barn!! She said, he laid down, I got off, he stood back up, and I got back on, no trouble. But, she said, laughing, we came back to the barn, which I guess is what he wanted and was trying to tell us. But the contractor called back last nite, to again tell us what a wonderful time they had, and what wonderful kids we had. He said, "I have never seen so many kids, in one spot, be so well behaved." Thank you Earl!! Even without mom and dad there to make them!! LOL!! By the time we got home, Kate was gone to work, so the "so many kids" that were here, were Adam Richard (17), Jessica (14), Ethan (12), Kimberly (10), Kassidy (9) and Emma Jean (4). So, yea, six children, which I guess to most people is a lot of kids. To me? Gee, they are thinning out! I am used to having way more than that! When I had ten kids at home, they always had friends, so I always had way more than 10 kids here. I love my life, I do. I am blessed. Financial problems and shortages now, yes. Cancer, yes. Mom with slight dementia/alzheimers, yes. Problems in life are a given, misery is optional. Thank you Lord, for walking this walk with me, right beside me, constantly reminding me that you are there, and you care about even the little details in my life. I could not want to walk this path without my Lord. I don't know how those people who do not have their hope in Jesus even deal with one moment of their life. I would not even want to try.

Hello folks. This has been a long week for me. I don't know how your week has been, but mine has been incredibly busy. It started out with a crazy Monday! After I made my normal phone call to my mom, to make sure she's doing ok, and didn't need anything, I received a phone call from her friend, Ms. T an hour or so later. She just needed to tell me that she had tried to call mom and got the answering machine, complete with daddy's voice. It never fails to catch people off guard when they call mom and get daddy's voice on the answering machine. She was a little "unsettled" by that, and wanted to know if I knew where mom was. I told her that I had talked to her this morning, and she had not mentioned any plans for the day. Maybe she was just sitting out in the swing and forgot to take the phone out with her. Ms. T said she would just try and call her again later. Well, I tried to call mom about every 20 minutes or so for the rest of the day. Not that I was worried or anything, teehee. But it was my daughter, Kassidy's birthday, so I was baking a cake and doing birthday preparations anyway, so I would just periodically try and call mom. Finally, later that afternoon, I got her on the phone. I said, "Where have you been all day!?" She just laughed and said that someone had called and invited her to join the seniors from FBC-Festus on a trip to Arnold to hear the Lester's sing, and have lunch with them, so she drove her car down to the church parking lot, and got on the bus with them! I said, mom, it wouldn't break you to just call me every now and then. She said, "it's long distance to call you! You need to move closer!" I laughed and said, "or you need to move closer to me! And since neither of us are willing to move, why don't you just spend 10 cents and call me! That seems a whole lot easier than either of us moving!" I try and not worry about my mom, I know God is in control. But, I'm telling you, my life would be a whole lot easier if my mom would dial the phone!! Oh well, just a small bump in this road I am on. One of many. Oh well, I just have to share the good news I got from the doctor this week. The first doctor came in and couldn't feel the lump at all! She went out, and brought in Dr. Ellis, and he said, "hmm, it appears to be gone! I don't feel any lumps at all either!" I said, "well, Praise the Lord!". He went on to say, that it was not uncommon for the chemo to shrink the cancer completely, but that he needed me to know that if that were the case, it does not change the plan of attack. We will still be doing surgery. Because, we cannot be completely sure the cancer is gone until we do surgery. We cannot be completely sure that there is NO lymph node involvement, until we do surgery. So, folks, even though I got a good report, as far as how my cancer is responding to the treatments, it appears we will still continue on. We talked of some other details concerning when the surgery would be, they confirmed that yes, I would be doing radiation as well. And that the reconstruction surgery would not be done until the skin from the surgery and radiation was completely healed. And that would probably not be until the first of 2010. Joy..... But I just wanted to share with you all. Thanks for your prayers. This week, coming up, is shaping up to be another busy week. Monday, I will go up and spend the day with mom. Monday night, will be my monthly Homeschool Support Group meeting. Wednesday, of course, is chemo day. Thursday, Nancy Leigh DeMoss is going to be at a church in St. Louis, and I would dearly love to go hear her speak. I am not sure, at this point if I will be able to work it out, considering how busy the week is already shaping up to be. Friday, Adam Richard turns 17, so birthday plans are in the works. Saturday I have a book club meeting at Paula's house that morning, and that night, a girlfriend has provided me tickets to go and hear Steven Curtis Chapman and Michael W. Smith!! So, yea, this week is going to be one crazy week. Of course, throw normal life into that mix, and I will be running all week. After all, I do live on a live working farm, complete with animals to care for, and I also am the book-keeper for my husband's concrete flatwork business. And yes, I also am the teacher, principal and superintendent of our school. Add being a mom and grandma, and some days I meet myself coming and going!! But tonight, Saturday night, we are all at home together, doing baths, finding clothes for in the morning, and enjoying the best part of the evening together.

Hello there folks! I know, I have not been very diligent in keeping everyone "in the loop" with my life. And how I know this, is I am beginning to receive emails from people asking me which treatment I am on, or how many more do I have to do, or asking how I am doing with them this time. Here is the scoop. I have done 3 treatments of the weekly doses of Taxol and Herceptin so far. I have 9 more to go. I will finish with my last treatment June 10th. After that, my oncologist says we will do the mastectomy. He says, regardless of what they find with the mammograms or biopsy between now and then. "Even if we find nothing, we will still do the surgery. Because without the surgery, we can not be completely sure of what is left or whether it is in the lymph nodes or not." Until the surgery, we cannot be 100% sure if lymph nodes are involved or not. And cancer cells are microscopic, so we could biopsy you and go in right past a cancer cell, and totally miss it, and bring out a clean sample. So we MUST do the surgery. And they had told me they wanted to do the surgery in June. But because of different factors going on in my life, I have asked them if they could move it to July. They have not given me an answer yet. I have an appointment with my surgeon in May, and from there we will determine an exact date for surgery. This routine of weekly treatments have not been as hard on me as the first 12 weeks. The first 12 weeks consisted of one treatment every 21 days, and because they were spaced out like that, the dose was larger, and therefore, yes, harder on my system and body. But because I am now on a weekly routine, the dose is not as large, and therefore, easier for my system to handle. I still fight the fatigue, but I have no nausea, or at least it is not as bad. If I let myself get overly tired, and have to deal with something yuk, then yes, I feel a bit nauseous. But if I am careful with my energy bank, and don't let myself get overly tired, then I don't have to deal with the nausea!! I do have a couple of other minor side effects that are mostly just an annoyance. I have nose bleeds on a fairly regular basis. They are not bad, just annoying. They generally stop within a few minutes of starting. I also have minor bone pain, that feels more like little jabs of pain in my ovaries or my hips, and sometimes my shins. Again, it doesn't stop me, just annoys me. Now, you have all been brought up to speed in my cancer walk! Let's move on to the rest of my life. My mom is doing great! Last week she walked over to her neighbor's house and that neighbor was nice enough to drop me an email to let me know that she thought mom seemed perky and upbeat, and "as normal as the next guy". I always love to get that kind of validation from other people in mom's life. I know she has her bad days. But she still has enough good days to make the bad days bearable. She is having a hard time with this silly Missouri weather of late. It goes from a couple of beautiful sunny days, 70's outside, sitting in her swing, to a "hard freeze" and back into the 30's and 40's that forces her back into the house, sitting inside in her recliner. Her moods are directly affected by the sunshine, and her ability to get outside!! As most of you know, the holidays always give me a little bit of a problem with trying to work out the logistics of trying to get mom to my house. I don't live around the corner from her. I actually live 45 miles south of her. I go to church 20 miles south of my house. In the past, daddy and momma would drive down to my house for holiday celebrations. Now, momma doesn't like to drive on the interstate, and especially not when it is raining. She still drives back and forth to church, or to her local things like bible study at FBC Festus-Crystal City or the bank. Every day, all week long, I kept reminding her that this Sunday was Easter, trying to get a feel for whether or not she wanted to drive down herself, or have someone come get her and bring her down. She never really would comment like she had a preference one way or another. So, I began to try and put some plans together, like plan A, plan B, etc. You know me, I like to have a plan, LOL. Plan A seemed to be working, then ended up not working. Plan B then came into play. Plan B was what we ended up going with. So, Saturday night, I call mom and remind her about the plan in the morning, the plan for Easter Sunday. Sunday morning, I called her at 8 o'clock and again, remind her that today is Easter Sunday, and that Jenna will be there at 9 o'clock to pick her up and bring her down to our church, then to my house for Easter dinner. She sounded like she "got it". But when Jenna got there at 9, mom was sitting out in her swing, in her jeans. Jenna, not wanting to confront Grandma, let her get in her car with her, and they started down the highway. When Jenna turned down 67 highway, towards Fredericktown and my church, instead of down 55 South towards my house, Grandma began to question her where she was going. When Jen said, "to church Grandma, it's Easter Sunday", well, mom got more than a little upset. She began to give Jen a lot of static about taking her to church in jeans. Mom was seriously upset. Jen ended up calling me, asking how to handle Grandma, what she should do. I said, if mom doesn't want to go to church, then take her to the house, we'll be on home after church. I didn't think it was something my daughter should have to deal with, so I was trying to make it easier on Jen, and make mom happy. Well, Jen was able to deal with mom, and they both showed up at church on time. Mom was fussing as she came through the door. I tried to reassure her that what she was wearing was fine. It was the drama anyway, so the lights were dimmed, and people were running around in costume anyway. We got settled in, and mom began to relax a bit. The service was wonderful, and the drama was really really good. Afterwards, we all divided up into separate vehicles and made our way to my home for the feast! We had a wonderful day, of good food and lots of family time. The crisis feeling that the morning started out with slowly began to subside, and we all relaxed and had a good time. Around 7:30 or so, Kelly loaded up mom and they left. Kell got her settled into her recliner, and then left to head back up to her apartment in the city. Monday, mom spent the day with the seniors from FBC-Festus Crystal City, at FBC-Arnold, at a senior luncheon and singing. She was gone most of the day, and had a good time being with lots of old friends and actually getting out and about again. The weather has not been good for that lately. Today, I took the tax returns up there, and we sat at the table and got the needed checks filled out and attached and all buttoned up to be mailed. We then worked on getting all her bills written out and in envelopes. After we got everything prepared, we went to the post office and put everything in the mail. Yippee! Everything is done, and taken care of, at least for the month of April, teehee. After we got all our "chores" done for the day, we went and had lunch together at Captain D's. All in all, it was a wonderful day. Mom was good, and seemed to be upbeat. Thanks for all the prayers, folks, I am still standing in the need of prayer. Tomorrow, is Wednesday. Tomorrow, I will spend my day, all day, at Barnes hospital. Labs, doctor's appointment, and chemo. My husband will be taking me, and even though I will be sleeping through most of the chemo treatment, Keith will be faithfully there beside me, playing Freecell.

I hope you all are enjoying this Palm Sunday. This is the time of year I get out my Resurrection Tree, and we read daily scriptures that tell the events that happened the week before Resurrection Day. We started this tradition when Nick and Kell were small. We made the tree, and we made the small ornaments that correspond with each days events. It helps re-focus my kids away from the world's attempt to move the focus away from the spiritual meaning. This day is not about chocolate bunny rabbits and candy. It is the season we celebrate what Christ did for us, the price He paid for us. Today, we hung small felt palm leaves on the tree. We read the scriptures that tell the story of Jesus entering the city on a donkey, while the people waved palm fronds, and laid them down for the donkey to walk on. In those days it was a way of honoring a king, and a way of cutting down the dust that was caused by the animals. Because I have but one ornament for most days, it has become the tradition for the youngest to hang the ornament on the tree. I love this time of year. I love the time I get to spend with my kids, teaching them spiritual truths. You only get the chance to teach them for such a very short time, before they are grown and gone, making their own decisions and choices.

I am now in the part of this journey, that I go to St. Louis every Wednesday. It is not a fun walk, but it is doable. I feel the prayers of the people praying for me. Thank you so much. I so appreciate all the help from all my friends. Thank you Paula for taking mom to breakfast. I so enjoyed the worship service this morning. I always enjoy being with my church family at Calvary Temple. They are such wonderful people, so caring, and such a praying people. Thank you for all the cards and letters guys. I love you so much.

We left the house yesterday morning at 6:30 am. My very faithful husband and I. It has rained every other day for the past week. Wednesday, it was beautiful. I urged him to work, I have several friends that have offered to take me. It's no big deal....it will be fine. He wasn't buying it. We arrived at the 7th floor labs to get my blood drawn. Again, my trusty port did what it was expected to do. It worked!! No pain when they accessed it! I have learned the art of applying the lidocaine creme on it in generous portions so that I don't feel any pain when they access it. My lab appointment was at 8:15 am. I was called back by 8:20. Then I signed in for the chemo lab appointment by 8:30. My appointment was not until 9. They called me back there within 10 minutes....wow! I told them about the Benedryl knocking me out. They called Dr. Ellis and got the dosage adjusted. This time wasn't as bad as last time, but it still knocked me out, just slower, and not as long. I vaguely remember Keith nudging me a couple times, because I was beginning to snore, teehee. We were leaving the hospital by 12:30!! Jen had called asking us to come where she works for lunch. So, once leaving there, we went to have lunch at the Tap Room on Locust Street, downtown St. Louis. Yum! Then we drove through the loop, and headed for Kell and Jen's new apartment. Keith made his walk through inspection. We then drove around the neighborhood, again, getting a feel for it. We then headed south, leaving the city. We stopped in to visit with his mom and dad. We don't do that often enough these days. It was a wonderful visit, and Jean being Jean, brought out food and fed us. She said she had fixed a roast for Sunday and no one had come!! So, she brought it out, and heated it up. I laughed, and said, "Now Jean, next time you are putting roast in, and wanting company, don't leave it up to chance, call me!! I can bring veggies, and add to it! Call us!! At around 6:30, we left there and stopped at FBC Festus to pick up a book and some dvds and it is Wednesday night, so we visited with several people there as well. It is so good to visit with people we miss spending time with and seeing on a regular basis. And I think it is good for them to see me, up walking around, being "normal". It helps slow down the tendency to "embellish the story" when talking of how I am doing and my cancer. This is not leukemia, and such a different walk, not nearly as hard as the walk we were on with my daddy. There are hard days, but they are sprinkled in and around good days, so God is faithful to help me continue to be positive, even though this is a hard path to walk, that no one wants to walk. I did ask my doctor about the weight gain, and that is a side effect of the steroids. Weight gain, go figure. I teasingly asked Keith last nite, "it's a good thing this happened to us after 29 years of marriage. Because, otherwise, it would be so much harder to know that you still will love me and be attracted to a 51 year old fat and bald woman!" He's such a good sport about all of it. A real trooper, that man. He's not exactly what I prayed for, LOL, but he is the answer God gave me, and for that I am eternally grateful. I love him. He is such a good caring man. That is the best part of faith, knowing that even if we don't know what we want, God does. He not only knows what we want, He knows what we need. I love the peace that comes with knowing that. I can truly trust the God that created the universe, to know what I need and want for every situation. As I have shared with you before, things have been so tight these past few months. Saturday, we had some very dear friends come for a visit. They brought in food, and brought fellowship as well!! They handed us a card, and encouraged us to open it now. It included a love offering. God had laid it upon their hearts to help us out financially. I cried. It is hard to accept what society has deemed "charity", but I know better than to argue with God, or God's people. We accepted that gift, and are just so amazed, yet again, at how big God is. And the day is not over yet. When the kids brought in the mail, there was a big envelope from BJC (Barnes Jewish Children's). Now, that is also how some of my bills/statements come. So, thinking, great, here is a bill. I opened it up, and it had words that alluded to the fact that it was some sort of partial refund from an overpayment we had paid on the acount for Kimberly Govero. Now for those of you that don't know, or remember, when Kimmy was 18 months old, she had a hole in her lung, and spent a week in Children's hospital, connected to machines that kept her lung from collapsing. Which, keeping an 18 month old still enough to not pull the machines apart from her and cause beepers to alarm the personnel, was more of an issue than all the medical issues combined. And, to put it in perspective, I was pregnant with Kassy, while leaning over the hospital bed to care for my baby girl and keep her still and happily occupied with still activities. Memories.... Anyway, we had no insurance, so we were setup as self pay, uninsured. We paid a monthly payment on the over $17xxx bill for the next 5 years. It was like us making a car payment, only on my daughter! Well, according to this notice, they had determined (8 years later??) that we were overcharged, as uninsured, and overpaid, and they were refunding some of that! It was a check for $4126.26!!! Wow, what a day!! I just cried and cried most of that day. God is sooo big, and so incredibly good to us. Needless to say, I spent that money Monday, paying alot of our over 90 days bills. I did not use that for any that are due now. Only for the "old" ones. Praise the Lord!! On another note, mom was not having a good week this week at all. Her good days and bad days can be directly connected to the weather. We have had some yuk weather this week, rain, wet snow, cloudy cloudy days. These days she can't sit out in her swing, she won't get out and drive in it (PTL!), so she is stuck in the house, by herself, and she gets lonely and depressed. I helped Kell and Jen move this week, so Tuesday, I was on the way up there with a loaded truck, and called mom to see if she wanted me to stop by and pick her up, so she could ride up and see their new place. She said, sure, I'll be ready! So, we stopped in, rearranged all the stuff in the back seat, making room for Adam to move to the back seat, so we could put mom in the front. Then knocked on the door, and mom answered, still in her gown, no makeup, nothing. Mom! You said you wanted to go with us, and you would be ready. She said, it's raining, I don't go out in the rain! I said, mom, it's sprinkling, and besides, my truck is clean and dry, and we will be sitting in the apartment while they carry the stuff in, and we will be clean and dry. I'll wait, go get dressed! It's not big deal, we'll wait. She would not be moved. So, finally I gave up, and loaded the boys back up and we left her there. By the time we got to Kell and Jen's, the clouds were breaking up, the sun was popping out, and it was a nice day. But, mom was sitting in her house, alone, circling words in her word book. I could just tell it was not going to be one of her good days. She was more confused than normal. When we left the apartment, we stopped in to visit with mom. When she answered the door, she saw the sun shining! I said, lets sit out in the swing for a little while. We did! The boys grabbed her basketball, and began to play while we watched. She asked questions, like "when is Beck coming through?" "June, this summer, that is their vacation." "What month is this?" "March" "Oh, this is my birthday month!" "Yes! You turned 72 last week! Remember? We had cake, ice cream, presents, out to lunch at Bandanas, Jen and Kell came and cooked for you that night?" "Hmm, I guess". I could tell, she was not remembering that. I hate these days. It is so hard to see her on those days. I prefer the perky days!!! But, I kept reminding her that tomorrow would be Wednesday, her Bible Study day. Sure enough, when I called her Wednesday morning, from the waiting room, she said, I am sitting out in my swing, but I am planning on going down to the bible study at 1 o'clock. She sounded a little better, but still somewhat down. I called her again around 1:30, and sure enough, got the answering machine with my daddy's voice on it. That always gets me again. But sometimes, I do call it when I know she is not there, just to hear it. When I called her last nite, she sounded much better, perky!! We talked of the bible study, and how she loved to be with the people, and hear a good Bible Study teacher. Thank you Lord!! Love hearing my momma more like my momma. We then talked of Kell and Jen's new apartment issues, and filled her in on those details. But, ended the day last nite, on a good note...momma was better. This morning, I got the answer machine again. So, my friend Paula had talked of taking her to breakfast on Thursday, so even though mom didn't mention it last nite, maybe, that happened?? Or, she was in the swing without the phone.....again. I will try again later. God is good. Have a good day folks! I am finishing up tax returns!! Can't wait until they are all done!! Ugh, I hate this time of the year!! Thanks for the prayers folks....I truly can feel them. God is doing a good work in me. And he is patient with me, the headstrong, pushy, domineering and severe Adams girl. Teehee