It is what it is.....

I have not written anything in quite some time.  Mostly because I did not trust myself.  I am going to admit that I am still grieving.  It has been over two years since my momma went to be with Jesus.  She is in a better place for sure.  For many years, I had many discussions with the Lord about the life my sweet momma was now living.  She was the Queen!  She deserved to have a better life than this in her golden years, right?  My momma suffered from Alzheimer's disease.  I was her main caregiver.  A fancy title to describe the "gift" of watching my momma decline before my very eyes, on a daily basis.  Don't get me wrong.  I do consider it an honor to care for my momma.  I did my best to try and preserve her dignity up until the last breath she took.  While going through breast cancer, after several people from church coming up to offer help while I was walking that path, momma turned to me and said, "Deb, I can help you.  What do you need?  Do you need me to come take care of you?"  I hid the smile, but graciously accepted her offer to help me, by packing her bags and bringing her home with me, to my home.  She suffered from Alzheimer's disease, so time meant nothing to her.  After she had been there for a couple of weeks, someone asked her how long she had been at my house.  She turned to me and said, "Deb, is this my third night?"  I agreed with her, and winked at her friend.  Everyone knew, but went along with momma, to preserve her dignity.  Everyone made it a point to never allow momma to realize how far she was slipping.

It is what it is.....

Memories

I find myself reminiscing more and more these days of things of the past.  Moments in time, memories that both bring me joy and bring me pain.  There is something about losing a loved one that makes you look at everything with a different eye.  It is a constant battle to not over-analyze things that are in the past.  We all have a tendency to compare.  That is a bad thing.  We compare the behavior of one child to another.  BAD. We compare the relationship with a family member, the way it is now, to the way it was in the past.  If it was always good in the past, and you had what you thought was a close relationship in the past, and then something happened and now it is not that way, then you have a tendency to question if it ever was truly the way you perceived it to be.  I believe that to be Satan, poisoning our thoughts.  Satan is alive and well, roaming to and fro, seeking whom he may devour.  My daddy used to tell me that our greatest weakness is an unguarded strength.  If you perceive your marriage to be rock solid, and yet you do nothing to protect it, believing it doesn't need protection, because after all, it is rock solid, then from out of nowhere, Satan will throw something into that situation and then suddenly, you find yourself looking at your marriage and comparing it to others' and before you know it, mistrust and doubt creep in and Satan probably smiles.  Another piece of wisdom from my daddy was that if there was a breakdown in your communication between you and your husband, and that relationship was broken in some way, then your prayers regarding other areas of your life would not go past the ceiling.  God wants us to focus on making that relationship right before we go praying for other things in our life.  I miss that man, my daddy.  He always had just the right things to say, just what you needed to hear to wake you up, and help you get focused on the important things again.  And before I go any further, my marriage is not in trouble.  My husband and I are just fine, and he truly is my best friend, my best supporter in life, and loves me in spite of all my weaknesses.

My brother and his wife were here this past weekend.  We had a good visit, lots of laughter and tears, as we talked of memories we had of mom and dad, and other siblings.  We talked and shared that we both missed those days when all of us would get together for family functions.  My brother didn't have as many opportunities to share those past holidays because of life obligations.  When we are young, our career, our children, etc., seem to dictate how we should spend our time and energies.  Before we know it, our family is gone and we are filled with regret over life choices.  Like the song lyrics of the "Cats in the Cradle", "I'd like to see you, if you don't mind.  I'd love to Dad, if I could find the time.  The new job's a hassle and the kids have the flu, but it's sure nice talking to you, Dad, it's sure nice talking to you."  I used to have a neighbor down the road, and she would stop in on her way past my house on the way to town, or from town, and want to sit and visit over coffee or tea.  At the time, it was always an inconvenient time for me.  I was busy raising my kiddos, trying to home school them around my own always busy life.  She looked me square in the eye one time and said "if you don't make time for relationships, you won't have relationships".  That was one of those "aha!" moments for me.  She was right.  The moments in our lives that seem to take up all of our time, the times that make us so busy that we do not have time to sit down and have coffee with a friend that stopped by, or sit down and take the time to call a friend and have a heart to heart over the phone, each of us having coffee in our own homes, while we pour out our hearts, vent, or whatever we need.  Those moments are what I am missing.  I had lots of those moments with my daddy and my momma.  We lived in the same community for over 30 years, so they were part of my everyday life, in ways I took for granted.  I miss the heart to heart talks I used to have with my sisters.  We all had little kids, growing up and parenting them, it always seemed to make the day easier with just a phone call or computer chat with my sisters.  It didn't happen daily, but it happened.  Life has gone by way too fast, and things have happened that don't allow for that anymore.  Our children got older, life got busier and we had less and less in common.  I am not even sure what it was, or when it happened.  I just sit and ponder those days now, and wonder how we let that relationship wither.  And what comes to my mind are the words of my friend that reminded me "if you don't make time for relationships, you won't have relationships".

I need more coffee......

I feel the need to apologize to all you millions of people out there in cyber space that actually care about the details of my life. I just get so busy that I can not find time to actually "relax" enough to come here and somehow put my day on paper! And if I don't relax enough to do that, then it somehow comes off as more of a rant, or a vent. Neither of those options are what I truly want to use this for.

In my bible study this past week, I was reading in Matthew, the 24th and 25th chapters. I was reading over the parables that Jesus used to teach important things to his people. The one that the study zeroed in on was about the ten virgins and their ten lamps. They all filled their lamps and went out to look and wait for the bridegroom. It apparently was a longer wait than some of them anticipated. Their "lights" went out before he came for them. When they realized he was coming, they had to run find some oil for their lamps so that they could somehow get their "light" back. The others were prepared, they had not allowed their lamp to go out, they had not run out of oil.....they were prepared for the long haul. No matter how much time it took, no matter how hard it was to be ready, they were faithful. And when the bridegroom came, there they were, ready and prepared, lights shinning brightly for the bridegroom. After they went in with the bridegroom, he closed the door behind them. When the others returned, having tried the "I will get ready at the last minute, and then I will be able to go" theology, they were not allowed to enter. Those that continued to live a life of faith, those that continued to let their light shine, those that continued to watch for His return, were the ones that actually were allowed to enter. It just breaks my heart to see so many, even those in my own family, continue to make decisions that are so opposite to Christ's teachings. Everyone will say they are Christians, but continue to live in sin. Open sin, daily, consciously choosing to live in sin that the bible teaches against. They live a life that God condemns! And what's worse, I don't think they even have any guilt at all. The Bible says, "it is appointed unto man once to die, and after that, the judgement." Do they not understand to willfully sin, willfully live daily in sin, that they will be judged some day? How can they live with that? How can they do what they do, every day, knowing that in the blink of an eye, they will be standing before the Lord Jesus, and they will be judged for every mindless thought, every willful disobedience, every choice, and every motive they made against God. This is why self-control is so very very important. When you are standing in front of God himself, you will not be able to use any lame excuses or rationalization of why you did what you did. You will be judged. We will all be judged for not only our actions, but our motives for those actions. So even if you are doing something that looks good to all those around you, if your reason for doing it is inherently bad, then you won't get "credit" for doing it! Understand? It's kind of like my brother-in-law said a few years back, "You don't get credit for being submissive if you are kicking and screaming while you are being submissive." You have to have joy in the journey, no matter what journey you are on. It's the ability to say "whatever, Lord, whatever." I remember telling my daddy that, as he was fighting Leukemia. He was tired of the fight so to speak. He kept telling me that if this was the way he was going to live, if this was his life from now on, then he didn't want to do it anymore. It was more about quality than quantity. We had many long discussions about picking and choosing our ministry. Many discussions about how he had taught me to walk the path that was laid before me. He had taught me that we were not allowed to quit, just because the path was uphill or hard. Living the life the Lord had chosen for us was all that mattered. For some that was a life in prison (Paul), for others it was a life as a slave. But both lives mattered to God, and they were doing what God asked them to do. In one of those discussions, I compared his 25+ years as pastor of a large congregation, in a nice church, living in a comfortable home, and driving a Cadillac to his ministry opportunity now in St. Louis University Hospital. Maybe now he was to minister to these folks up here. I smile as I remember those heart to heart talks with my daddy. I miss him so very much. I miss those challenging discussions about interpretation of scripture. I still remember him giving me a 4 page "sermon" complete with 3 points and a closing shortly after I told him I was going to have a home birth, without a doctor present! I remember us discussing the peace that passes all understanding regarding that decision. I also remember him telling me that I added ten years to his life every time I had a home birth. I told him he added ten years to my life every time he went to Florida in the middle of hurricane season!! Oh how I miss those playful jabs at each other. This current path I am walking is not one that I am walking by choice. As a matter of fact, I don't like it at all. I hate Alzheimer's Disease with every bone in my body. When someone has a disease such as cancer, there is always some degree of compassion for what people are going through, some understanding of what people are going through. With Alzheimer's, it is considered a mental disease, and not much is known about it. Nobody knows what causes it, nor is there a cure for it. And it is so much more than "wandering and burning things". This disease takes away the ability to think....logically. It is slow to progress, but progress it does. I am watching my momma decline daily. I can place her in front of the mirror and tell her that we are getting ready to go to bible study, so she needs to put on her makeup. I will stand there until she reaches for her makeup bag, and pulls out her makeup. At that point, I will sometimes walk away to go do something else to get ready to go. When I return, she has not put on her makeup. I can fix her a plate of dinner and she will eat it. I will then take the plate and put it in the sink. Later, as we are cleaning up and putting food away, she will inform us that she has not eaten yet, and would like to have a plate before all the food is put away. This is what it is like to live with someone who has no short term memory. She has now been living with us for over a year. And yet, every single night she will ask if she brought a toothbrush or a gown to sleep in. Every single night she will wonder if she has clothes to wear tomorrow, or if she will have to rinse these out in the sink and wear them again tomorrow. And yet, occasionally, she will say she has been here long enough and needs to pack up and go back to her house. When she is upset about something, she will ask me where her car is, and if it is at her house. She will ask that I take her to her house so she can check on things, and when I take her there, she won't even go inside the house. She will get out of the car, set down in her swing, and stay there until we get ready to go. At that point, I will remind her it is an hour drive and she might need to go potty before we leave. Usually at that point, she will go inside and go potty before coming back outside and getting in the car and coming back here with me. If the ceiling fan is on and the air conditioning is set on 76, she will insist that the girls put on socks and shoes instead of flip flops because "winter's coming on". Today, I actually bumped up the A.C. a bit higher. Momma asked me if I was hot or cold, what I was doing to the thermostat. I told her I was bumping it up so the AC unit would not kick on as much. Later, my daughter was laying in the floor saying it was soooo hot in here. Momma quickly told her she should go outside for awhile, and cool off so she could appreciate this heat inside here! I know that is a circulation problem, so I usually keep a blanket close for momma. It is easier to warm her up than make everyone else sweat. I wish it was as simple as telling the same story over and over. I wish it was as simple as repeating herself, and asking the same question over and over. It is being negative all the time, about everybody. When you have no short term memory, you cannot follow directions. She wants to be able to help do this or that, but I am running out of jobs I can actually give her that she can actually do. She is not able to do circle the word books anymore. When I give her the towels to fold, that will take her over an hour. I have to give her 6 forks, or six plates because she cannot remember the answer when she asks "how many do we need?". I will tell her, I will answer the question she asks, but it doesn't matter. She will not remember and will just set the table with as many as she wants. That's ok with me. She feels she is being helpful and more importantly, she feels useful. It is extremely important that she still feels like she has worth, and is able to do things. But I admit, that I live each day with a fear that this will be the day that I will have to stand up against my momma, and tell her that she cannot go back home and live, and that no, she cannot drive her car anymore. Her independence is gone, she just doesn't know it, and for that I am grateful. That is my job, to not let her know, not let her be aware of how much she has lost, and how much she can no longer do. That is a full time job. The absolute highlight of her day is when they bring Quincy to me to babysit. I love having Quincy, my grand-daughter. But momma thinks we should not tell her no for any reason. It's ok if she wants to finger paint in Grandma's eggs, then walk away and finger paint on my couch! It's ok if she wants that jelly toast, "she's hungry", and of course, it's ok if she takes that jelly toast over to my coffee table or couch and smear it across the table. We can just wipe it up, no harm done. So by the time Quincy leaves that night, I am one tired grandma. But the good thing is that she gets Grandma Adams up and out of her chair! I will ignore the toy on the floor, or halfway under the couch. My momma will get up out of her chair and pick up after Quincy all day long as well. She is afraid Quincy will step on a toy and fall over them. I can tell it wears momma out, but she is happy, smiling, giggling like a little girl most of the time. She gets mad if anyone else plays ball with Quincy instead of her, and she will tell you about it!! But there are enough moments that momma shows up, my sweet momma shows up, that keeps me going. I am grateful for those moments. Thank you Lord for those moments.

Yesterday, I got momma up early in case she wanted to go with me to take my daughter Kate to the airport. Kate's roommate for the last year has moved to Hawaii with her family and has invited Kate to come for a visit. They would provide her "room and board", so it would only cost her a plane ticket. What a deal!! She has been saving for quite a while, but finally had enough for a plane ticket, so she put in for time off work, and began looking for a ticket. She finally found one and booked it, leaving March 31st. She had not mentioned needing me at all to take her to the airport so I didn't really plan for that. The night before her flight, I was reading on Facebook, the conversation between her and her sister about how anxious Kate was about the airport security, getting to the right gate, etc. She put on Facebook that her boyfriend was willing to take her, as well as her sister, but she really really wanted her mom to take her! She just needed a mom for that. I laughed out loud and told Keith she had not said a word! Almost instantly, my phone got a text from Kate asking me what my plans for tomorrow (3/31) were. I responded with "I am taking my daughter to the airport!" Knowing how momma is, and how much time it takes to get her out the door for anything, I got her up. I asked her if she wanted me to drop her off at her house, or if she wanted to go along for the ride with me to the airport. I admit I was secretly hoping for the "drop me off at my house" answer. I know how mom is with walking any distance at all, much less from the parking garage, through an airport, etc. I also had plans for getting a security pass so that I could escort Kate all the way to the gate, and felt like that would not be possible if I had momma with me. And truthfully I did not need the stress of both momma and Kate! The last time Kate had an airport experience was when she was flying back from Daytona Beach, and her two sisters got through security fine, and they pulled Kate out of line and took her behind curtains and searched her separately! It was a random search, finding nothing out of the ordinary, but it separated Kate from her sisters, made everyone worry and by the time Kate got on the plane she was in tears and a mess. Needless to say, she still gets anxiety attacks really really bad when approaching security at airports. Anyway, mom told me that she thought she would just let me make that trip with Kate. I said are you sure mom? She assured me she would just like to stay home today. "Why would I want to go to the house? Nobody is there!" OooKkk. I went and started filling my coffee cup, getting my things together and out of the room came mom, with her purse on her arm, asking me if I was ready. We walked to the car, right on time, as I had told Kate I would pick her up at 8:30 a.m. We were in the car, and headed towards Farmington by 8 o'clock! Of course, momma began to ask me why we were going this way, are we going to pick up Q-baby? It is a 15 minute drive to town, at least, and all the way to town, mom asked me if we were going to pick up Q-baby. We get to Kate's apartment, get her loaded, and head to Bauhaus to meet Jen for breakfast. My phone rings and it is my son Nick telling me that Jess, his ex-wife, needs a babysitter for Ruger today, and could I meet her somewhere in Farmington. Hmm, I looked at Kate's flight schedule, did the mental math, and thought, yea, I could do that. It will be close, considering I am planning on dropping mom off at her house, which will take at least 10 minutes, but hey, I can do this. The other options are, dropping off Ruger with Grandma at her house.....nada. Maybe mom will get out at the house with Ruger! We wrap up our muffins, grab our drinks and out the door we go. I zip over to Wal-Mart, where Jess was waiting. We grab his car seat, do the switch, and off I go, heading towards the farm. We pull up in my drive, get Ruger out, get his car seat out, take him and his backpack inside, and run back out the door. Mom has decided to stay in the car and go with me. We head north. I pull up to momma's house, leave the car running, and take her inside. Kelly is still there, since it is her day off. She has tickets to the Opening Day of Cardinal Season! Kelly and momma begin to talk, and I kiss momma goodbye and tell her I will be back soon and run out the door. I jump back in the car, breath, and get back on the interstate and head towards the airport. By this time it is 10:20 and her plane boards at 1:15 and we are still an hour from the airport. When I got back in the car, Kate laughs and says, "Geez mom, if I had known you were so BUSY, I would not have asked you to take me to the airport!" "Pssssshh, this is a normal day in my life Kate!" We made it to the airport in plenty of time, got parked and went inside the airport. We found the American ticket counter to check her bag. We had already checked her in on-line, and printed out her boarding passes. I asked for a security pass so that I could escort her to the gate, and they printed me out one! I admit, I was pretty surprised. She is 20 years old, and perfectly healthy. But I have always said, if you ask with authority, use the right language, you can usually pull it off. I told them she had anxiety attacks when flying, and the last time she flew she was in tears by the time she boarded the plane. That was the truth, and the lady printed me out a security pass. We went through security without any problems, and got to the gate with a good hour and a half to spare. We walked around, and found a place to eat lunch and sit and relax. Once Kate was boarded on the plane, I made my way back to my car and headed back to pick up momma at her house. Kelly had already called me to let me know how momma was doing. Kelly was there when I dropped mom off, but it was her day off, so I knew she was going to the Cardinal Game later (it was opening day). Kelly said she talked to Grandma a bit, then got up to go to the bathroom downstairs and finish getting ready, and when she came back upstairs, Grandma was asleep, and Kelly woke her up to tell her goodbye and that she was leaving, and when Grandma first woke up she was "Kelly Girl! What are you doing here? Are you off today?" Even though Mom was with me when we picked up Kate, and we talked of Kate going to Hawaii, and how excited she was all the way up to Herky (45 minutes), mom did not remember that. She told Kelly I was gone to a doctor's appointment. When I dropped mom off, she had on her black sweater that has appliqued fruit all over it, with jeans. It is the one she bought in Colorado when we were there. When I picked her up, the jeans were gone, and wait for it.....she had on a pair of beige and black print shorts. I asked her where her jeans were and she said, "well, I wasn't planning on going anywhere, and these are comfortable so I just put these on." She still had on her black knee socks and her dress shoes. I went to the bathroom and looked for mom's jeans so I could bring them home and wash them, but could NOT find them! They were not in her laundry hamper or the washer. I checked her "usual" hiding spots (the shower or tub) and I could not find them. I don't know what she did with them! I have texted Kelly and told her to look for them when she gets home tonight. I should have taken a picture of her with her appliqued sweater, her printed shorts and her black knee socks with her black patton shoes. I did not make any stops between her house and mine, teehee. When we got home, Quincy and Jenna was here. I found some jeans for mom and came around and came back in and handed them to mom and said, "mom, here's your jeans" and she took them to her room and came back out with them on. I was back at mom's by 2:30, and I truly think she slept the whole time. Tuesday, we went up and had lunch with Mary Maharrey in House Springs. It was a good visit with a very dear friend. When we were in the car coming home, mom said to me..."Did you have a good report today?" I looked at her and said, momma, I didn't go anywhere today, I was with you all day, what are you talking about? She sad, "Oh, I thought you dropped me off and went to a doctor appointment." I did do that back when I was doing treatments. One time, we met Mary for lunch, and mom went home with Mary and I went on to my treatment, and swung back by and picked up mom from Mary's that day. I guess she has never forgotten me leaving her with Mary while I went to a doctor appointment. Since she went to her house, she asked if she "brought anything down here to sleep in tonight". She doesn't do well on road trips. I do try and document all of the details with momma, but with tax season in full swing, in addition to my already full schedule, life is busy. I too have a husband, kids, school activities, adult kids, grand-kids that I watch regularly, church activities and mom. Life is full and busy and I have a hard time finding time or energy to write down the details of this journey. I do like to do it though, just so some day, I can take the time to read about this journey. As you all know, when you are in the middle of the "storm", it is sometimes hard to see the blessings of the moments, the God moments. When I write it all down, and come back and read through it for myself, it helps me sometimes to regain a better perspective. This is not an easy path to walk, but it is a necessary path. Sometimes, we all have to do hard things, we have to go through hard things, in order for God to mold us into the person He needs us to be in order for Him to accomplish His plan. I pray that God can use me. I pray that God WILL use me. I want to be a willing vessel.

Yesterday, my momma turned 74 years old. Celebrating a birthday with someone who suffers from Alzheimer's Disease is, well, different. The first thing in the morning, we wish her happy birthday, "today's your birthday momma!" Then when the next person comes downstairs and wishes her a happy birthday, she acts all surprised, and says "I didn't know today was my birthday!" That goes on a couple more times. When we do the cake and ice cream, pictures and gifts, she is again, surprised because she did not know today was her birthday. When she opens the gifts, and she is told who this one is from, who this one is from, she responds with thank you and hugs and puts them to the side, and moves on to the next one. She holds the cake, blows out the candles while we take pictures, and we serve everyone. Then later, she sees the gifts and asks where they came from and who they belong to. This past weekend, momma and I took a road trip to hear my brother preach in West Plains, MO at the Brandsville Church of God, 10 miles outside of West Plains. All the way there, three hours of curvy roads, she tells me "we have been here before, at this point, we were here, today". No mom, we are traveling south, and we are not there yet, but we are not going in circles, I promise you. We get to the motel, get settled in, and momma says she does not want to get back in the car. Mike was preaching Saturday night as well as Sunday morning. We were going to go to both, but momma decided we could just hear him in the morning, that would be fine. Tonight, the people would probably want to talk to just him and we would be interfering. Ok, so she suggested I just go and get something to eat and bring it back to the room to eat. Are you sure mom? You will be ok with me running out to get some pizza or whatever I can find? Sure, I will be fine. Ok, I leave and I find a pizza place, wait the 15 or so minutes and head back to the room. When I get to the room, and open the door, I know there has been a "problem". I see the "laundry" in the sink and I smell an unpleasant aroma, and ask momma about it. She denies there has been an accident and says she has "worn these jeans for several days and thought they needed to be rinsed out". I serve momma up some pizza and make her a drink, then go to work on the "laundry". I am suddenly not very hungry. The aroma in the room is not conducive to eating. It doesn't seem to bother momma at all. After spending at least 45 minutes rinsing and cleaning up, momma asked me if I was done with my laundry. I was wishing I had brought some Febreeze. I don't think I slept very well that night. The next morning, we got to the church early enough to visit with Mike and Judy. Momma walks in the door, hugs Mike, then turns to Judy and hugs her, then turns back to Mike and says, "did I walk right past you? Give me a hug!" After church, there was a luncheon downstairs in the church basement/fellowship hall. Momma tells one guy that he looks like my daughter Kelly's boyfriend, at least 5 times. He was a young guy that wears the shaved head look, LOL. Once momma asked one of the men if they ever hear from "Bob". He looked confused, and looked at me for help. I had no clue who Bob was, or where mom thought she was so I said, momma this is Church of God, so I don't think you would know their former pastor. Momma just laughed and said, "Oh! I forgot where we were! For some reason I was thinking we were somewhere else!" We eventually go to the point where it was time for us to leave, as they were going to go give Mike and Judy a tour of the parsonage. We left for Little Rock, to visit Martha Barnes. The trip to Little Rock was 3 hours. We got to Little Rock before dark, and in time to attend evening services with her at her church there in Otter Creek. When we got to Martha's, momma had another "accident". She left the evidence in the sink. I went and cleaned it all up, and got momma cleaned up in time to get in the car and go to church. The last time momma had this many accidents of this kind, was when we went to Colorado during Thanksgiving break. Apparently, road trips of any kind really mess with momma. We have been home now since Tuesday night and she has been fine, no accidents of that kind, thank God. I think we have taken our last road trip for a very long time. It actually makes me grateful for the "normal" accidents she has. God is good that way. When I begin to feel sorry for myself, for how hard life is these days, He shows me how it could be worse, and I gain a new perspective and a new appreciation for the way life is these days! I know this is not exactly the upbeat, good news message I have been putting on here, but sometimes I just am too tired to write, but feel the need to document all that is happening on a day to day basis as I walk this path.

I wanted to go up and see a friend's newborn this past week, so I asked Momma if she wanted to go with me. She said she didn't want to go, and she would be fine here at home. She told me I should go ahead and go, and not to worry about her. I made arrangements to go, and as I was ready to walk out the door, asked her one more time if she was sure she didn't want to go with me. She pulled the blanket off of her legs and said, "well let me go potty and I will be ready to go". I put my purse down and followed her into her room to help her get dressed. Forty-five minutes later, we were walking out the door. After I turned towards my daughter's house, my momma asked me again where we were going. I told her St. Louis to see Beto's new baby. She then said, then why are we going this direction? I was amazed! My momma knew that the road we were on was not the road to St. Louis. That was huge. I felt the tears well up in my eyes, but quickly pushed them back in. I reminded her we were going to pick up Jenna and Q, so they could ride along with us. On the way up to the hospital, momma kept trying to make conversation. She would talk about the traffic, "this is the time of day that people are getting off from work and heading home because they have been there all day, and also others are coming in that are glad to be there." It was a little past noon. "Deb, is this going to dump us out where we need to be?" What? "Is this that we are on, going to bring us around to where we need to be?" "Yes, momma, this is the road we are supposed to be on, it will take us right to the parking lot of the hospital." When we finally got there, momma would not get out of the car at the door, she insisted she could walk with me, just find a parking space. I found one, finally, and it was a long way from the front door. By the time we had walked across the entire parking lot, momma was doing what she does when she has used up all her energy. She was leaning forward and walking slower and slower, yet leaning forward as if the forward lean would keep her moving in a forward motion. When she got to the lobby, she practically ran to the chairs and furniture there. I said, "momma, are you alright?" She said she just needed to rest a minute. I recognized her need for a rest as a smoke screen. If we were going to continue on to the second floor, which meant going down the halls to find the elevators, then down more halls to find the NICU where the baby was, we were going to need a wheelchair. Momma was done with the walking thing. I found a wheelchair, and got momma situated in it. All the while, we were laughing and cutting up and teasing her about needing a "stroller". She was cutting up with us, so it was all good. While we were taking our turns in the waiting area, there were a couple of people that were standing and talking in the hall behind Momma's chair. Momma interjected herself into that conversation by telling them "if you are looking for the way out, it is past us and down the hallway that direction". They looked at me, and looked at momma, and looked at me again, then continued to have their conversation. I had to keep myself from laughing. I don't know where momma thought she was, but the way out was not the direction she was pointing those ladies in. When Beto came out of the NICU, momma was all smiles, and told him to come over there and give her a hug. He did, he gave her a big ole bear hug like only Beto could do. He then escorted me back first to see his son. After getting to spend a little time back there with baby Maddox, we went back out to let Jenna come take her turn. When we cleared the doors, momma acted like she had not seen Beto at all! "What are you doing here!? Come over here and give me a hug!!" Beto hugged her obediently, and winked at me. When it was Momma's turn to go see the baby, we had to stop and sign her in at the desk the same way we all had to sign in. When the nurse said something about "signing her in", momma said "Don't sign me in to stay! I'm just here for a visit!" We all laughed, "Momma, this is the Newborn Intensive Care Unit, I think there is an age limit, and you can't stay here, relax." We laughed so much that day. Even with Momma's confusion and memory issues, it was a good day, and I am blessed to have been able to share it with my Momma.

Today, I took her to town to have her hair washed and styled. She didn't even fight me on it. Yes, today was another good day. We met Jenna out for lunch. She kept trying to pick up all the food that Quincy would drop. I thought she was going to fall out on the floor more than once. When we finally got up to leave, there were still crumbs and pieces of french fries under the table, which I pointed out to momma, "Momma, you missed some, let me hold your purse while you get that." She laughed, and said, "let's put Quincy down there and let her pick it all up!" She was really quick witted today. Love those kind of days!!

When she got up to go to bed tonight, she asked if she had a gown and toothbrush here.

Super Bowl Sunday! This morning, we all ventured out of the house towards our church in Fredericktown....Calvary Temple. We still have lots of snow on the ground, and lots of ice on the trees and power lines. It was a really beautiful drive to church. But with the beautiful winter wonderland, we also had beautiful sunshine!! The problem was that the sunshine was melting the ice off of the trees at a rapid rate. We were getting bombed all the way to church! Loud bangs all the way there! Thank God it didn't break our windshield, because it sounded like it was several times. By the time we got out of church, all the ice was gone from all trees and power lines. It was 41 degrees with bright sunshine! It was a good service, with spontaneous testimonies, as well as a couple of spontaneous songs being sung. One of my favorite old time retired singers, Ralph Green, goes to our church, and he sang today. I love hearing his deep bass voice sing praises to God!! Afterwards, we stopped by the grocery store to grab some salsa. There we ran into some old friends from back in the Farmington Family Fellowship days. It was so good to run into them, even if it was for only a minute. We did have mom and the kiddos waiting in the car. We have now been home all day, chilling on the couch, watching all the Pre-game festivities, and snacking on wings and chips and salsa. Momma has developed a cough. I hope she is not coming down with some sort of cold. She says she feels fine, thinks it is just a dry cough. I do have the humidifier going full time, right behind her chair though, just in case. Well, guess i will get off of here and get ready to join the family in rooting for whoever. I don't really have a preference. I use to be a fan of the Steelers, back in the day. But truthfully, I don't care. It's football, and I enjoy watching a good game, regardless of who is playing, or who wins, just so it is a good game to watch.

Thought for the day: "Live you life on FAITH, not FEELINGS".