Walking the path...

2011-06-28T11:55:00.002-05:00

I feel the need to apologize to all you millions of people out there in cyber space that actually care about the details of my life. I just get so busy that I can not find time to actually "relax" enough to come here and somehow put my day on paper! And if I don't relax enough to do that, then it somehow comes off as more of a rant, or a vent. Neither of those options are what I truly want to use this for.

In my bible study this past week, I was reading in Matthew, the 24th and 25th chapters. I was reading over the parables that Jesus used to teach important things to his people. The one that the study zeroed in on was about the ten virgins and their ten lamps. They all filled their lamps and went out to look and wait for the bridegroom. It apparently was a longer wait than some of them anticipated. Their "lights" went out before he came for them. When they realized he was coming, they had to run find some oil for their lamps so that they could somehow get their "light" back. The others were prepared, they had not allowed their lamp to go out, they had not run out of oil.....they were prepared for the long haul. No matter how much time it took, no matter how hard it was to be ready, they were faithful. And when the bridegroom came, there they were, ready and prepared, lights shinning brightly for the bridegroom. After they went in with the bridegroom, he closed the door behind them. When the others returned, having tried the "I will get ready at the last minute, and then I will be able to go" theology, they were not allowed to enter. Those that continued to live a life of faith, those that continued to let their light shine, those that continued to watch for His return, were the ones that actually were allowed to enter. It just breaks my heart to see so many, even those in my own family, continue to make decisions that are so opposite to Christ's teachings. Everyone will say they are Christians, but continue to live in sin. Open sin, daily, consciously choosing to live in sin that the bible teaches against. They live a life that God condemns! And what's worse, I don't think they even have any guilt at all. The Bible says, "it is appointed unto man once to die, and after that, the judgement." Do they not understand to willfully sin, willfully live daily in sin, that they will be judged some day? How can they live with that? How can they do what they do, every day, knowing that in the blink of an eye, they will be standing before the Lord Jesus, and they will be judged for every mindless thought, every willful disobedience, every choice, and every motive they made against God. This is why self-control is so very very important. When you are standing in front of God himself, you will not be able to use any lame excuses or rationalization of why you did what you did. You will be judged. We will all be judged for not only our actions, but our motives for those actions. So even if you are doing something that looks good to all those around you, if your reason for doing it is inherently bad, then you won't get "credit" for doing it! Understand? It's kind of like my brother-in-law said a few years back, "You don't get credit for being submissive if you are kicking and screaming while you are being submissive." You have to have joy in the journey, no matter what journey you are on. It's the ability to say "whatever, Lord, whatever." I remember telling my daddy that, as he was fighting Leukemia. He was tired of the fight so to speak. He kept telling me that if this was the way he was going to live, if this was his life from now on, then he didn't want to do it anymore. It was more about quality than quantity. We had many long discussions about picking and choosing our ministry. Many discussions about how he had taught me to walk the path that was laid before me. He had taught me that we were not allowed to quit, just because the path was uphill or hard. Living the life the Lord had chosen for us was all that mattered. For some that was a life in prison (Paul), for others it was a life as a slave. But both lives mattered to God, and they were doing what God asked them to do. In one of those discussions, I compared his 25+ years as pastor of a large congregation, in a nice church, living in a comfortable home, and driving a Cadillac to his ministry opportunity now in St. Louis University Hospital. Maybe now he was to minister to these folks up here. I smile as I remember those heart to heart talks with my daddy. I miss him so very much. I miss those challenging discussions about interpretation of scripture. I still remember him giving me a 4 page "sermon" complete with 3 points and a closing shortly after I told him I was going to have a home birth, without a doctor present! I remember us discussing the peace that passes all understanding regarding that decision. I also remember him telling me that I added ten years to his life every time I had a home birth. I told him he added ten years to my life every time he went to Florida in the middle of hurricane season!! Oh how I miss those playful jabs at each other. This current path I am walking is not one that I am walking by choice. As a matter of fact, I don't like it at all. I hate Alzheimer's Disease with every bone in my body. When someone has a disease such as cancer, there is always some degree of compassion for what people are going through, some understanding of what people are going through. With Alzheimer's, it is considered a mental disease, and not much is known about it. Nobody knows what causes it, nor is there a cure for it. And it is so much more than "wandering and burning things". This disease takes away the ability to think....logically. It is slow to progress, but progress it does. I am watching my momma decline daily. I can place her in front of the mirror and tell her that we are getting ready to go to bible study, so she needs to put on her makeup. I will stand there until she reaches for her makeup bag, and pulls out her makeup. At that point, I will sometimes walk away to go do something else to get ready to go. When I return, she has not put on her makeup. I can fix her a plate of dinner and she will eat it. I will then take the plate and put it in the sink. Later, as we are cleaning up and putting food away, she will inform us that she has not eaten yet, and would like to have a plate before all the food is put away. This is what it is like to live with someone who has no short term memory. She has now been living with us for over a year. And yet, every single night she will ask if she brought a toothbrush or a gown to sleep in. Every single night she will wonder if she has clothes to wear tomorrow, or if she will have to rinse these out in the sink and wear them again tomorrow. And yet, occasionally, she will say she has been here long enough and needs to pack up and go back to her house. When she is upset about something, she will ask me where her car is, and if it is at her house. She will ask that I take her to her house so she can check on things, and when I take her there, she won't even go inside the house. She will get out of the car, set down in her swing, and stay there until we get ready to go. At that point, I will remind her it is an hour drive and she might need to go potty before we leave. Usually at that point, she will go inside and go potty before coming back outside and getting in the car and coming back here with me. If the ceiling fan is on and the air conditioning is set on 76, she will insist that the girls put on socks and shoes instead of flip flops because "winter's coming on". Today, I actually bumped up the A.C. a bit higher. Momma asked me if I was hot or cold, what I was doing to the thermostat. I told her I was bumping it up so the AC unit would not kick on as much. Later, my daughter was laying in the floor saying it was soooo hot in here. Momma quickly told her she should go outside for awhile, and cool off so she could appreciate this heat inside here! I know that is a circulation problem, so I usually keep a blanket close for momma. It is easier to warm her up than make everyone else sweat. I wish it was as simple as telling the same story over and over. I wish it was as simple as repeating herself, and asking the same question over and over. It is being negative all the time, about everybody. When you have no short term memory, you cannot follow directions. She wants to be able to help do this or that, but I am running out of jobs I can actually give her that she can actually do. She is not able to do circle the word books anymore. When I give her the towels to fold, that will take her over an hour. I have to give her 6 forks, or six plates because she cannot remember the answer when she asks "how many do we need?". I will tell her, I will answer the question she asks, but it doesn't matter. She will not remember and will just set the table with as many as she wants. That's ok with me. She feels she is being helpful and more importantly, she feels useful. It is extremely important that she still feels like she has worth, and is able to do things. But I admit, that I live each day with a fear that this will be the day that I will have to stand up against my momma, and tell her that she cannot go back home and live, and that no, she cannot drive her car anymore. Her independence is gone, she just doesn't know it, and for that I am grateful. That is my job, to not let her know, not let her be aware of how much she has lost, and how much she can no longer do. That is a full time job. The absolute highlight of her day is when they bring Quincy to me to babysit. I love having Quincy, my grand-daughter. But momma thinks we should not tell her no for any reason. It's ok if she wants to finger paint in Grandma's eggs, then walk away and finger paint on my couch! It's ok if she wants that jelly toast, "she's hungry", and of course, it's ok if she takes that jelly toast over to my coffee table or couch and smear it across the table. We can just wipe it up, no harm done. So by the time Quincy leaves that night, I am one tired grandma. But the good thing is that she gets Grandma Adams up and out of her chair! I will ignore the toy on the floor, or halfway under the couch. My momma will get up out of her chair and pick up after Quincy all day long as well. She is afraid Quincy will step on a toy and fall over them. I can tell it wears momma out, but she is happy, smiling, giggling like a little girl most of the time. She gets mad if anyone else plays ball with Quincy instead of her, and she will tell you about it!! But there are enough moments that momma shows up, my sweet momma shows up, that keeps me going. I am grateful for those moments. Thank you Lord for those moments.

2011-04-01T10:14:00.004-05:00

Yesterday, I got momma up early in case she wanted to go with me to take my daughter Kate to the airport. Kate's roommate for the last year has moved to Hawaii with her family and has invited Kate to come for a visit. They would provide her "room and board", so it would only cost her a plane ticket. What a deal!! She has been saving for quite a while, but finally had enough for a plane ticket, so she put in for time off work, and began looking for a ticket. She finally found one and booked it, leaving March 31st. She had not mentioned needing me at all to take her to the airport so I didn't really plan for that. The night before her flight, I was reading on Facebook, the conversation between her and her sister about how anxious Kate was about the airport security, getting to the right gate, etc. She put on Facebook that her boyfriend was willing to take her, as well as her sister, but she really really wanted her mom to take her! She just needed a mom for that. I laughed out loud and told Keith she had not said a word! Almost instantly, my phone got a text from Kate asking me what my plans for tomorrow (3/31) were. I responded with "I am taking my daughter to the airport!" Knowing how momma is, and how much time it takes to get her out the door for anything, I got her up. I asked her if she wanted me to drop her off at her house, or if she wanted to go along for the ride with me to the airport. I admit I was secretly hoping for the "drop me off at my house" answer. I know how mom is with walking any distance at all, much less from the parking garage, through an airport, etc. I also had plans for getting a security pass so that I could escort Kate all the way to the gate, and felt like that would not be possible if I had momma with me. And truthfully I did not need the stress of both momma and Kate! The last time Kate had an airport experience was when she was flying back from Daytona Beach, and her two sisters got through security fine, and they pulled Kate out of line and took her behind curtains and searched her separately! It was a random search, finding nothing out of the ordinary, but it separated Kate from her sisters, made everyone worry and by the time Kate got on the plane she was in tears and a mess. Needless to say, she still gets anxiety attacks really really bad when approaching security at airports. Anyway, mom told me that she thought she would just let me make that trip with Kate. I said are you sure mom? She assured me she would just like to stay home today. "Why would I want to go to the house? Nobody is there!" OooKkk. I went and started filling my coffee cup, getting my things together and out of the room came mom, with her purse on her arm, asking me if I was ready. We walked to the car, right on time, as I had told Kate I would pick her up at 8:30 a.m. We were in the car, and headed towards Farmington by 8 o'clock! Of course, momma began to ask me why we were going this way, are we going to pick up Q-baby? It is a 15 minute drive to town, at least, and all the way to town, mom asked me if we were going to pick up Q-baby. We get to Kate's apartment, get her loaded, and head to Bauhaus to meet Jen for breakfast. My phone rings and it is my son Nick telling me that Jess, his ex-wife, needs a babysitter for Ruger today, and could I meet her somewhere in Farmington. Hmm, I looked at Kate's flight schedule, did the mental math, and thought, yea, I could do that. It will be close, considering I am planning on dropping mom off at her house, which will take at least 10 minutes, but hey, I can do this. The other options are, dropping off Ruger with Grandma at her house.....nada. Maybe mom will get out at the house with Ruger! We wrap up our muffins, grab our drinks and out the door we go. I zip over to Wal-Mart, where Jess was waiting. We grab his car seat, do the switch, and off I go, heading towards the farm. We pull up in my drive, get Ruger out, get his car seat out, take him and his backpack inside, and run back out the door. Mom has decided to stay in the car and go with me. We head north. I pull up to momma's house, leave the car running, and take her inside. Kelly is still there, since it is her day off. She has tickets to the Opening Day of Cardinal Season! Kelly and momma begin to talk, and I kiss momma goodbye and tell her I will be back soon and run out the door. I jump back in the car, breath, and get back on the interstate and head towards the airport. By this time it is 10:20 and her plane boards at 1:15 and we are still an hour from the airport. When I got back in the car, Kate laughs and says, "Geez mom, if I had known you were so BUSY, I would not have asked you to take me to the airport!" "Pssssshh, this is a normal day in my life Kate!" We made it to the airport in plenty of time, got parked and went inside the airport. We found the American ticket counter to check her bag. We had already checked her in on-line, and printed out her boarding passes. I asked for a security pass so that I could escort her to the gate, and they printed me out one! I admit, I was pretty surprised. She is 20 years old, and perfectly healthy. But I have always said, if you ask with authority, use the right language, you can usually pull it off. I told them she had anxiety attacks when flying, and the last time she flew she was in tears by the time she boarded the plane. That was the truth, and the lady printed me out a security pass. We went through security without any problems, and got to the gate with a good hour and a half to spare. We walked around, and found a place to eat lunch and sit and relax. Once Kate was boarded on the plane, I made my way back to my car and headed back to pick up momma at her house. Kelly had already called me to let me know how momma was doing. Kelly was there when I dropped mom off, but it was her day off, so I knew she was going to the Cardinal Game later (it was opening day). Kelly said she talked to Grandma a bit, then got up to go to the bathroom downstairs and finish getting ready, and when she came back upstairs, Grandma was asleep, and Kelly woke her up to tell her goodbye and that she was leaving, and when Grandma first woke up she was "Kelly Girl! What are you doing here? Are you off today?" Even though Mom was with me when we picked up Kate, and we talked of Kate going to Hawaii, and how excited she was all the way up to Herky (45 minutes), mom did not remember that. She told Kelly I was gone to a doctor's appointment. When I dropped mom off, she had on her black sweater that has appliqued fruit all over it, with jeans. It is the one she bought in Colorado when we were there. When I picked her up, the jeans were gone, and wait for it.....she had on a pair of beige and black print shorts. I asked her where her jeans were and she said, "well, I wasn't planning on going anywhere, and these are comfortable so I just put these on." She still had on her black knee socks and her dress shoes. I went to the bathroom and looked for mom's jeans so I could bring them home and wash them, but could NOT find them! They were not in her laundry hamper or the washer. I checked her "usual" hiding spots (the shower or tub) and I could not find them. I don't know what she did with them! I have texted Kelly and told her to look for them when she gets home tonight. I should have taken a picture of her with her appliqued sweater, her printed shorts and her black knee socks with her black patton shoes. I did not make any stops between her house and mine, teehee. When we got home, Quincy and Jenna was here. I found some jeans for mom and came around and came back in and handed them to mom and said, "mom, here's your jeans" and she took them to her room and came back out with them on. I was back at mom's by 2:30, and I truly think she slept the whole time. Tuesday, we went up and had lunch with Mary Maharrey in House Springs. It was a good visit with a very dear friend. When we were in the car coming home, mom said to me..."Did you have a good report today?" I looked at her and said, momma, I didn't go anywhere today, I was with you all day, what are you talking about? She sad, "Oh, I thought you dropped me off and went to a doctor appointment." I did do that back when I was doing treatments. One time, we met Mary for lunch, and mom went home with Mary and I went on to my treatment, and swung back by and picked up mom from Mary's that day. I guess she has never forgotten me leaving her with Mary while I went to a doctor appointment. Since she went to her house, she asked if she "brought anything down here to sleep in tonight". She doesn't do well on road trips. I do try and document all of the details with momma, but with tax season in full swing, in addition to my already full schedule, life is busy. I too have a husband, kids, school activities, adult kids, grand-kids that I watch regularly, church activities and mom. Life is full and busy and I have a hard time finding time or energy to write down the details of this journey. I do like to do it though, just so some day, I can take the time to read about this journey. As you all know, when you are in the middle of the "storm", it is sometimes hard to see the blessings of the moments, the God moments. When I write it all down, and come back and read through it for myself, it helps me sometimes to regain a better perspective. This is not an easy path to walk, but it is a necessary path. Sometimes, we all have to do hard things, we have to go through hard things, in order for God to mold us into the person He needs us to be in order for Him to accomplish His plan. I pray that God can use me. I pray that God WILL use me. I want to be a willing vessel.

2011-03-27T18:14:00.003-05:00

Yesterday, my momma turned 74 years old. Celebrating a birthday with someone who suffers from Alzheimer's Disease is, well, different. The first thing in the morning, we wish her happy birthday, "today's your birthday momma!" Then when the next person comes downstairs and wishes her a happy birthday, she acts all surprised, and says "I didn't know today was my birthday!" That goes on a couple more times. When we do the cake and ice cream, pictures and gifts, she is again, surprised because she did not know today was her birthday. When she opens the gifts, and she is told who this one is from, who this one is from, she responds with thank you and hugs and puts them to the side, and moves on to the next one. She holds the cake, blows out the candles while we take pictures, and we serve everyone. Then later, she sees the gifts and asks where they came from and who they belong to. This past weekend, momma and I took a road trip to hear my brother preach in West Plains, MO at the Brandsville Church of God, 10 miles outside of West Plains. All the way there, three hours of curvy roads, she tells me "we have been here before, at this point, we were here, today". No mom, we are traveling south, and we are not there yet, but we are not going in circles, I promise you. We get to the motel, get settled in, and momma says she does not want to get back in the car. Mike was preaching Saturday night as well as Sunday morning. We were going to go to both, but momma decided we could just hear him in the morning, that would be fine. Tonight, the people would probably want to talk to just him and we would be interfering. Ok, so she suggested I just go and get something to eat and bring it back to the room to eat. Are you sure mom? You will be ok with me running out to get some pizza or whatever I can find? Sure, I will be fine. Ok, I leave and I find a pizza place, wait the 15 or so minutes and head back to the room. When I get to the room, and open the door, I know there has been a "problem". I see the "laundry" in the sink and I smell an unpleasant aroma, and ask momma about it. She denies there has been an accident and says she has "worn these jeans for several days and thought they needed to be rinsed out". I serve momma up some pizza and make her a drink, then go to work on the "laundry". I am suddenly not very hungry. The aroma in the room is not conducive to eating. It doesn't seem to bother momma at all. After spending at least 45 minutes rinsing and cleaning up, momma asked me if I was done with my laundry. I was wishing I had brought some Febreeze. I don't think I slept very well that night. The next morning, we got to the church early enough to visit with Mike and Judy. Momma walks in the door, hugs Mike, then turns to Judy and hugs her, then turns back to Mike and says, "did I walk right past you? Give me a hug!" After church, there was a luncheon downstairs in the church basement/fellowship hall. Momma tells one guy that he looks like my daughter Kelly's boyfriend, at least 5 times. He was a young guy that wears the shaved head look, LOL. Once momma asked one of the men if they ever hear from "Bob". He looked confused, and looked at me for help. I had no clue who Bob was, or where mom thought she was so I said, momma this is Church of God, so I don't think you would know their former pastor. Momma just laughed and said, "Oh! I forgot where we were! For some reason I was thinking we were somewhere else!" We eventually go to the point where it was time for us to leave, as they were going to go give Mike and Judy a tour of the parsonage. We left for Little Rock, to visit Martha Barnes. The trip to Little Rock was 3 hours. We got to Little Rock before dark, and in time to attend evening services with her at her church there in Otter Creek. When we got to Martha's, momma had another "accident". She left the evidence in the sink. I went and cleaned it all up, and got momma cleaned up in time to get in the car and go to church. The last time momma had this many accidents of this kind, was when we went to Colorado during Thanksgiving break. Apparently, road trips of any kind really mess with momma. We have been home now since Tuesday night and she has been fine, no accidents of that kind, thank God. I think we have taken our last road trip for a very long time. It actually makes me grateful for the "normal" accidents she has. God is good that way. When I begin to feel sorry for myself, for how hard life is these days, He shows me how it could be worse, and I gain a new perspective and a new appreciation for the way life is these days! I know this is not exactly the upbeat, good news message I have been putting on here, but sometimes I just am too tired to write, but feel the need to document all that is happening on a day to day basis as I walk this path.

2011-02-26T21:41:00.002-06:00

I wanted to go up and see a friend's newborn this past week, so I asked Momma if she wanted to go with me. She said she didn't want to go, and she would be fine here at home. She told me I should go ahead and go, and not to worry about her. I made arrangements to go, and as I was ready to walk out the door, asked her one more time if she was sure she didn't want to go with me. She pulled the blanket off of her legs and said, "well let me go potty and I will be ready to go". I put my purse down and followed her into her room to help her get dressed. Forty-five minutes later, we were walking out the door. After I turned towards my daughter's house, my momma asked me again where we were going. I told her St. Louis to see Beto's new baby. She then said, then why are we going this direction? I was amazed! My momma knew that the road we were on was not the road to St. Louis. That was huge. I felt the tears well up in my eyes, but quickly pushed them back in. I reminded her we were going to pick up Jenna and Q, so they could ride along with us. On the way up to the hospital, momma kept trying to make conversation. She would talk about the traffic, "this is the time of day that people are getting off from work and heading home because they have been there all day, and also others are coming in that are glad to be there." It was a little past noon. "Deb, is this going to dump us out where we need to be?" What? "Is this that we are on, going to bring us around to where we need to be?" "Yes, momma, this is the road we are supposed to be on, it will take us right to the parking lot of the hospital." When we finally got there, momma would not get out of the car at the door, she insisted she could walk with me, just find a parking space. I found one, finally, and it was a long way from the front door. By the time we had walked across the entire parking lot, momma was doing what she does when she has used up all her energy. She was leaning forward and walking slower and slower, yet leaning forward as if the forward lean would keep her moving in a forward motion. When she got to the lobby, she practically ran to the chairs and furniture there. I said, "momma, are you alright?" She said she just needed to rest a minute. I recognized her need for a rest as a smoke screen. If we were going to continue on to the second floor, which meant going down the halls to find the elevators, then down more halls to find the NICU where the baby was, we were going to need a wheelchair. Momma was done with the walking thing. I found a wheelchair, and got momma situated in it. All the while, we were laughing and cutting up and teasing her about needing a "stroller". She was cutting up with us, so it was all good. While we were taking our turns in the waiting area, there were a couple of people that were standing and talking in the hall behind Momma's chair. Momma interjected herself into that conversation by telling them "if you are looking for the way out, it is past us and down the hallway that direction". They looked at me, and looked at momma, and looked at me again, then continued to have their conversation. I had to keep myself from laughing. I don't know where momma thought she was, but the way out was not the direction she was pointing those ladies in. When Beto came out of the NICU, momma was all smiles, and told him to come over there and give her a hug. He did, he gave her a big ole bear hug like only Beto could do. He then escorted me back first to see his son. After getting to spend a little time back there with baby Maddox, we went back out to let Jenna come take her turn. When we cleared the doors, momma acted like she had not seen Beto at all! "What are you doing here!? Come over here and give me a hug!!" Beto hugged her obediently, and winked at me. When it was Momma's turn to go see the baby, we had to stop and sign her in at the desk the same way we all had to sign in. When the nurse said something about "signing her in", momma said "Don't sign me in to stay! I'm just here for a visit!" We all laughed, "Momma, this is the Newborn Intensive Care Unit, I think there is an age limit, and you can't stay here, relax." We laughed so much that day. Even with Momma's confusion and memory issues, it was a good day, and I am blessed to have been able to share it with my Momma.

Today, I took her to town to have her hair washed and styled. She didn't even fight me on it. Yes, today was another good day. We met Jenna out for lunch. She kept trying to pick up all the food that Quincy would drop. I thought she was going to fall out on the floor more than once. When we finally got up to leave, there were still crumbs and pieces of french fries under the table, which I pointed out to momma, "Momma, you missed some, let me hold your purse while you get that." She laughed, and said, "let's put Quincy down there and let her pick it all up!" She was really quick witted today. Love those kind of days!!

When she got up to go to bed tonight, she asked if she had a gown and toothbrush here.

2011-02-06T16:39:00.002-06:00

Super Bowl Sunday! This morning, we all ventured out of the house towards our church in Fredericktown....Calvary Temple. We still have lots of snow on the ground, and lots of ice on the trees and power lines. It was a really beautiful drive to church. But with the beautiful winter wonderland, we also had beautiful sunshine!! The problem was that the sunshine was melting the ice off of the trees at a rapid rate. We were getting bombed all the way to church! Loud bangs all the way there! Thank God it didn't break our windshield, because it sounded like it was several times. By the time we got out of church, all the ice was gone from all trees and power lines. It was 41 degrees with bright sunshine! It was a good service, with spontaneous testimonies, as well as a couple of spontaneous songs being sung. One of my favorite old time retired singers, Ralph Green, goes to our church, and he sang today. I love hearing his deep bass voice sing praises to God!! Afterwards, we stopped by the grocery store to grab some salsa. There we ran into some old friends from back in the Farmington Family Fellowship days. It was so good to run into them, even if it was for only a minute. We did have mom and the kiddos waiting in the car. We have now been home all day, chilling on the couch, watching all the Pre-game festivities, and snacking on wings and chips and salsa. Momma has developed a cough. I hope she is not coming down with some sort of cold. She says she feels fine, thinks it is just a dry cough. I do have the humidifier going full time, right behind her chair though, just in case. Well, guess i will get off of here and get ready to join the family in rooting for whoever. I don't really have a preference. I use to be a fan of the Steelers, back in the day. But truthfully, I don't care. It's football, and I enjoy watching a good game, regardless of who is playing, or who wins, just so it is a good game to watch.

Thought for the day: "Live you life on FAITH, not FEELINGS".

2011-02-01T15:24:00.003-06:00

I was scheduled to go in for my Breast Reconstruction Surgery this coming Wednesday, (tomorrow). The first surgery was to “build a mound”, and this second one will be to “move the mound”. Because of the extensive damage to my breast bone and the skin there, they could not stretch that skin and move it around to the front back then, but feel now my skin has healed sufficiently to move it around to the front, where it should be! Right now, I have a boob under my arm! Which makes it extremely uncomfortable to wear a bra. It is really binding in places that it normally is not. Anyway, sorry to be so blunt and graphic. I will be glad to get it moved. But am glad the surgery got moved. I was way stressed about it. Not so much about the surgery, as much as leaving my momma. She is so very attached to me as her caregiver. I have spoken to others that are dealing with this, and they assured me that it is normal for them to get attached to the caregiver, but this is so crazy. I can’t even drop her off at her house anymore, without her being way “anxious” by the time I get back to pick her up. As a matter of fact, the last couple of times I tried to drop her off there, so I could do some running around without her, she said she preferred to just go with me, she didn’t really “need” to go by the house. When I leave her at home with my husband or my kiddos, it is not long before she is getting mean and demanding, and my family will call me and tell me to pick up the pace and hurry home. By the time I get home, she is normal, and never even mentions wanting to go home. It is almost as if once I am home, she is fine. I did call the doctor and told her what was going on, and explained that I needed something to give her that would calm her down while I am gone to the hospital. I didn’t want zombie, but definitely needed “happy”. She gave me Zyprexa in a small dose to give her twice a day, with some Xanex as a back-up. Hopefully, we won’t have to use either of them, but it is nice to know we have something to fall back on. The thought of leaving my family here to take care of/deal with my momma under normal conditions was stressful enough but throw in bad weather, where she would be worried the whole time of where we were, if this weather was putting us in danger, etc. Well, I was so very glad when they called yesterday morning to re-schedule my surgery for February 16th!! Ahhh, I can relax now………

The good news is that my sister in Chicago came in for a visit last Saturday. I purposefully did not tell momma she was coming, so momma would not get herself all worked up into a negative tizzy. When Lois walked in the door, momma seemed genuinely glad to see her! It was such a beautiful day Saturday, the calm before the storm?? Anyway, because it was so nice, too nice to stay in the house, we decided to go to town and try and get momma’s hair done. Of course, you can’t use that as the reason to go, or momma wouldn’t go. So, we decided to go to town for a salad! We went to Applebee’s for soup and salad. We laughed and cried, and it was such a good time. We then went straight over to Great Clips, where my niece works. She immediately started saying, “why are we coming here? I am not getting anything done today Deb.” I told her it was not for her, it was for me, if she didn’t mind waiting for me, it wouldn’t take long. She agreed to that! So, we got parked, got out, and went in. Momma walked straight up to the counter, and gave them her name, then said, “I don’t know why I am up here, I am not getting anything done today.” She turned and went and sat down beside Lois. I stepped up, and said, yes, she is the one that needs a shampoo and style. Andrea, my niece, was busy, but the girl that has done momma’s hair before, stepped up and said, “I can do her right now, come on back.” Momma got up and went back to the shampoo chair! Even after saying she wasn’t going to like 5 times! Lois just shook her hair and said “unbelievable”. If you fight momma on it, it will be a fight, but if you just keep moving forward motion, she will usually go along, as if it was her idea! After she was done, we then went to Wal-Mart to pick up some more birdseed for the bird feeders (the other reason why we came to town, teehee). Once we got back home, we visited a little longer, then Lois packed up her stuff to leave. It was a good visit, in my opinion. That evening, things went from good to bad in a very short time. Momma stood up to go to bed, around 7ish, and she said “I am over-flowing”. I put my laptop to the side and stood up and went over to see what she was talking about. She was standing in the middle of a “brown puddle”. I moved her towards the bathroom to clean her up. I got her into the shower, got her cleaned up. She just kept saying, "Oh my word! Oh my word! Forever more!" I tried to lighten the mood and said, "No more French Onion soup for you woman!" She laughed!! When we went to Applebee's, she had a house salad, and a small bowl of French Onion soup. Anyway, I then left her there in the shower, while I ran back into the living room to clean up that mess. Thank God all my kiddos were upstairs playing in their rooms, so there was no one in the living room when this all went down. Once I got that all cleaned up, I went back into her bathroom to see if she was done. She had said she wanted to finish up on her own. She was still in the shower. I got it turned off and helped her out. That is when I realized I didn’t have enough grab handles. Momma seemed to be grabbing for the shower handle, the towel rack, even the toilet paper holder, anything to hold on to. Mental note to myself….more grab bars. Anyway, we got her all cleaned up, into her nightgown, and into bed. Again, I suggested the “night time panties” (Depends) and she balked again. She said, "I saw you had put them in here, I don't need those." I said "momma, at least at night". She said, "well when I get to where I need them I will wear them, but I don’t need them yet". The next morning, I sent Keith and the kids towards church. The older kiddos were going to a competition with the horses (barrels and roping). Kim stayed home with me to help me with Grandma. Momma seemed to be sleeping in her chair, so I got in the truck and headed to town to get some Pepto or Immodium, some grab bars for the shower, and a new mattress and mattress cover. By the time I got all that done, Keith got home from church before me! Kelly and Dave came for dinner after church, as well. They had attended church at FBC-Festus. Keith had the boys help him get the mattress and box springs out and carried up to the burn pile, while the other boys got the new mattress and box springs put back in there. I had her sheets done up and put her bed all back together. She pretty much slept off and on all day in her chair. Monday, she came out of her room dressed and went straight to her chair. I got her coffee and fixed her breakfast. She was not eating much all day. I figured it probably scared her, and so she wasn’t going to eat much. She would eat bananas with no argument. This morning, she came out of her room dressed. I went into her room, and sure enough, a mess on her bed. I pulled the sheets off, wiped down the mattress cover (so easy!!) with cleaner. Her sheets are now in the dryer, and I will have her bed back together in no time. I think tonight we will have the Depends talk again, this time with a little more intensity.

I hope all of you in Missouri are dealing well with this “state wide emergency”. The ice cycles (?) are about an inch long at this time. The electric flickered, and went off for a few seconds, but came back on thankfully!! We all just looked at each other as if "it's here". I have a cake baked, and a big pot of soup on the stove. I have made coffee and filled all the thermos containers. We have a fire in the fireplace and in the wood stove, and we are toasty warm. Hopefully we won’t lose electric like they are saying, but if we do, we will deal.

Thanks for the prayers

2011-01-22T16:26:00.002-06:00

Well, we are down to the ten day count down. I feel kind of like I did when I was pregnant. Anxious. When you have been carrying the baby around for 9 months, you are READY to hold the baby, ready for THIS to be over. But it is mixed with a touch of fear when you think of the labor and delivery part. You know you can't be done with the pregnancy until you experience and endure the labor and delivery part. You can't cross the bridge, so to speak. That is where I am. I want this to be DONE. I want my body to look normal (will it ever be normal again?). But I am anxious about the whole anesthesia, surgery and recovery thing again. I am anxious about the pain!! I know I am not to be anxious about anything. But I am human, and I am anxious. I worry about my momma and how she will handle me going into the hospital again. When she gets stressed or anxious, she gets harder to "handle". Meaning, her moods are not as pleasant. At this present stage, dropping her off at her house to stay by herself all day is just no longer a comfortable option. As my husband said, the last time we did that..."it's like we are dropping off Emma Jean to stay by herself at this house all day, except that Emma Jean can dial the telephone." It is sad, but that is what it felt like. She fell down last week. On carpet, so no slipping sliding falling down, just falling down. Again, since I was not in the same room at the time, I don't know what happened, or how it happened, or why it happened, just know that it did happen. I am extremely grateful that she was here in my house, so as soon as she needed assistance, she had it within seconds. I do know that it was NOT dehydration, so who knows why she lost her balance? She says she got "woozy", and "must have passed out". But as soon as I heard the boom, I ran in there and she was already trying to roll over and get up. We are talking seconds here folks, so there was no "passing out". But anyway, I got off topic. I don't really know how to describe mom when she gets really really rattled. But suffice it to say that bad things happen, things nobody wants to deal with or clean up. And of course, momma will continue to act as if nothing is wrong with her, and whatever is happening is somebody's fault, and she will be mad, yet she won't know what she is mad about. And when anybody tries to make any "suggestions" to momma, she will dig in her heels and rebel, and usually refuse to even try what is being suggested. She was complaining her feet were cold the other morning, and I said, "that's because you have not gotten your socks on yet woman", and I got up to head to her room to grab her some socks. She was saying "I do to!" as I went past her, and kept saying, "Deb, I do have my socks on! Your wasting your time!" I got the socks, and came back to her chair, picked up her bare foot and said "really? what color are they?" She looked honestly surprised that she was barefooted! That's my momma. It takes an extra dose of patience to be able to do what you need to do to take care of my momma, when all the while she is trying to tell you she doesn't need any help. It truly is a full time job, being the caregiver to an Alzheimer's patient, especially when that Alzheimer's patient is at this stage.

2011-01-19T18:28:00.005-06:00

On Saturday, I got the word that another very dear friend of our family had gone to be with the Lord Jesus. This has been a busy year for funerals. Bro. Bill Brown was our State Farm insurance agent in Portageville Missouri for many years. He was a deacon in our church. His daughters and I were very close friends. They were both in my wedding. We have remained close all these years through phone calls, emails and visits. Bro. Bill Brown had Alzheimer's Disease. Somewhere in those ten years of marriage, not only did she take care of Bro. Bill, but she was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. This lady and I have some things in common, don't you think? I truly believe I could have talked with her for days. I felt like we could have been best friends. She was easy to talk to. I doubt that I will ever see her again. As you can imagine, when you attend a visitation and funeral for a loved one that died of Alzheimer's, no matter where you went, there were small groups discussing his "condition", and when it first began to show, when it first became evident to others, how they knew, etc. I found myself sitting on the back pew, talking with a friend I graduated high school with. My momma was sitting in the front, on a pew filled with ladies her age and older, including "T", one of momma's best friends. As my friend and I were engrossed in our own conversation, suddenly Thelma was there telling me I needed to come up and sit with momma for awhile. Thelma said momma was afraid they were going to turn the lights off on us, if we didn't make a move towards the door. It was 6:00 p.m. I came up there and joined those ladies. Momma had made the rounds and talked to all three of Bro. Bill's children, Billy Gene, Tammy and Kristi. Yet any time someone would make a comment on how Tammy didn't look any different, momma would ask which one was Tammy. Then she would say something like, "I would not have recognized her! I need to go and speak to her, I have not talked to her yet!" After that being repeated several times, people began to look at me funny. Yea, it was very noticeable to others. A couple of people felt it necessary to point it out to me that momma was showing some signs of Alzheimer's. Ya think?? Before long, someone else came up and got me and led me back to "meet someone" else. I saw all kinds of people from my past!! Then, here came Thelma and momma, coats on and purses on their arms, Thelma giving me the look that said "momma was ready to leave". As we were leaving, we hugged the Brown kids one more time, and each and every time, momma made some statement eluding to the fact that she had not talked to them yet, would "not have recognized you!" We loaded up and left the visitation at 6:30 p.m. After we got to Thelma's, momma sat down in the chair and kicked off her shoes. Thelma offered us cake and ice cream. Keith said that would be great, but momma declined. As Keith walked by with his dish of ice cream and cake, momma said, "well, I didn't get any ice cream!" I said, "momma, can I get you some?" She said, "Yes, just a small portion, very small, and no cake for me, just ice cream." I fixed her some, and after I sat down, Keith gave Thelma a compliment on the cake, how it was delicious. And yep, you guessed it...momma said, "I didn't get any cake!" I got up, took her dish, and went and put her a small piece of cake on the side of her ice cream. Momma didn't go to bed until nearly 10 o'clock!! I laid awake, I could not shut my mind off, running all the topics of conversation, everything momma had done, and everything I had learned about Bro. Bill and his speed of progression in this disease. The next morning, we had breakfast, and got ready to head to the church for the funeral. It was a hard service. Music played a huge part in their family life. They used to sing together all the time, as a family in church services. As a tribute to Bill, they all got up at the scheduled time and gathered around the piano, and as Tammy played the piano, the family, his daughters, his son, their grandchildren, nieces and nephews, etc., all gathered around and sang a medly of his favorite songs. It was very moving, and brought back all kinds of memories of the times we all joined their family, in their family home in Portageville, pushing back the chairs and furniture and joined around the piano with Bill and Alta and the family and had old fashioned sing alongs!! Then we went to the grave side service, where full military honors were bestowed. The guns were loud, but very impressive. The young man playing taps on the trumpet was equally impressive. It never ceases to impress me, no matter how many military funerals I attend. Although it was very cold and windy, I was grateful that the rain had ceased long enough for us to gather around the tent as all this was happening. Once it was done, we all joined back together at the church, as First Baptist Church of Portageville, Missouri put out a meal that was fit for a king. There we all got to relax and visit some more with the family members. I walked down the halls to the nursery. I walked to where the church offices used to be, as I remembered walking to the church after school, coming in through those back doors, and walking into daddy's office. We always stopped at the store that was right across the street and got some penny candy first, teehee. Oh man, those were the days my friend, we thought they'd never end. Before long, we knew it was time for us to pack up and head north. By the time we got home, it was close to five o'clock and I was pretty tired, emotionally and physically. But here came my daughter Jenna and Cole, and we get to baby-sit my grand-daughter, Quincy Alice!! Just to let you know how tired my momma was, momma would hear Quincy make a noise behind her chair, like in the dining room, and momma would say "Quincy Alice is here??!!" We would say, yes she is! Then a few minutes (seconds??) later, Quincy would make another sound or noise, and sure enough...."Quincy Alice is here?" She did that like 6 times!! I finally motioned to my girls to bring her over here in the living room, and play with her right in front of momma please. Eventually, momma went to bed. This morning, as I was picking up some of Quincy's toys and putting them in the toy basket we leave in the living room, momma said, "when will we ever see Quincy again? She doesn't bring her for you to watch anymore?" I ever so gently remind her that the reason I am picking up these toys is that Quincy was here last nite, and we had her from about 6 until 10:30. With the impending snow, I needed to go get some groceries. Momma asked me if I was going to Festus or down here. I told her "down here, Farmington", so she said she thought she would just stay here under her blanky, sitting by the fire. I got Jessy to go with me, and away we went to town. We went to Wal-Mart and got the groceries, then the feed store and got some feed. After our "chores" were done, my daughters Kate and Jenna met us at the Chinese restaurant and we relaxed a bit and enjoyed some much needed laughter around the table. Now, supper is finished, and we are relaxed around the TV watching "Minute to Win It". Ah, to be back home and know I don't "have" to go anywhere the next few days.

2011-01-15T10:43:00.002-06:00

This morning, as I was whipping up some waffles and pancakes for my crew, I heard a "boom". I looked around the corner, into the dining room, and questioned Emma, my five year old. "Was that you?" "No, it came from Gramma"s room!" I ran into momma's addition, and as I rounded the corner, there was my momma, laying in the floor. She was trying to get up, she was not passed out, mind you, but was trying to roll over and pick herself up. I asked her what she was doing on the floor, and she went into her explanation. "I was getting up from the potty, and felt woozy, so I was trying to make it back to the bedroom I guess, and I just passed out before I got there?" It made sense to me, so I got some pillows from her bed and picked up her shoulders and put the pillows there so she could lay there a few minutes and get some color back into her face. In the meantime, I sent one of my kiddos to get Keith, who was down in his shop. Within minutes, here he came. We stood there and talked to her a few minutes, as she began to be momma, meaning she was cracking jokes trying to play down the serious moment. "I didn't like that bed, so I thought I would see if this floor was more comfortable for me and actually it is quite comfortable." After a few moments, of us picking at each other, she said she felt like she could get up and get back in her bed now. Keith picked her up, and let her stand there a few moments to get her bearings, and then as he was right there, we let her walk to her bed, which was only about 4 steps, but far enough for us to see if she was in any pain when she walked. She didn't wince or show any kind of pain whatsoever. Thank God, she did not hit the door frame or anything that could have made her bleed!! We talked a bit, as I sat on the chair there beside her bed, about what may have caused her to be light headed this morning. She ate three meals yesterday. She has a glass of some liquid, be it tea or water or coffee, being refilled all day. She did stay up later last nite than usual. She didn't go to bed until 9 o'clock! She got up and I walked her to her room last nite, gave her the night time pills, and then closed the doors to her part of the house, so she could "brush her teeth, wash her face and put on her night gown", her bedtime routine. Before we go to bed, we turn out all the lights, and open those french doors. One, so we can heat that part of the house with the wood heat, and it keeps her furnace from running so often, and two, so we can hear anything that might happen in the night if she comes out of her room. She did eat her breakfast, eventually. I gave her a plate of eggs and bacon and toast, as I do every morning. She ate it all! She is sleeping now. I have been in there several times to check on her and she is still propped up on her pillows, resting. I had planned on taking her to town to get her hair done today, for church tomorrow. I guess those plans might need to be postponed. I will play it by ear and see if she gets out of bed today, before I even consider taking her to church tomorrow. Thank you God for watching over my momma, even when she is here at my house.

2011-01-04T16:48:00.002-06:00

Happy New Year! I have been doing a lot of thinking and pondering over this idea of "suffering for Christ". What does that mean exactly? I don't mean to sound all holier than thou, but if it is the Lord's will that I suffer, and it is the Lord's will that I suffer for a long time, am I suffering for Christ? And, even worse, does that mean I am supposed to be "glad in it"? Don't tell me you haven't given any of this any thought before, when your life was turned upside down. This has been an exceptionally hard time for our family. My son's wife left him, and says she wants a divorce. She left him several months ago, and took his son, my grandson. She is being "good about it". She lets Nick see Ruger anytime he wants. But that is not every night, which is what Nick really wants. While she is at the home of her mom and dad's house, she has people around her, someone to talk to. Nick sits at home, in an empty house. And with this season of our life, comes winter, which means, he is also sitting at home alone most of the days as well. Work is extremely slow, worse this year than any year I can remember. Nick needs the distraction of work, to give his mind something else to focus on besides how lonely he is without his family. Hard times are so much easier to get through when you have someone by your side, to go through those hard times with you. I have even been looking on Craig's List trying to find him a job! A different job, one that perhaps is not so weather related? I asked him if he wanted to go to school, and he said no, he felt like work would pick up and if he could just make it through the next couple of months, he would be fine. His wife, has filled out all the paper work needed for her to go to school. She is a "single mom", so therefore, the government is picking up the tab, she is going to school on government grants. And yea, if Ruger gets sick, or she gets sick, again, she is a "single mom", so you guessed it, the government will pick up the tab. This society is set up to reward divorce. What a huge carrot that is to dangle in front of young women these days. If you divorce your husband, your money problems will be over?? We will take care of you medically, and you can go to college for free. I know this is a real hot topic for both sides of the fence. I know people that actually need the government to help them, since they are single moms who could not make it without the government helping them. There is just no good answers here. I just know that society in general, our tax breaks in general, reward those that choose to walk away from their marriage. There is way more support out there for single moms. Where is the help for the single dads? O.K., I need to move on to a different subject.

Mom has been doing well. Even my kids have noticed that she has been more "settled", and not nearly as irritated. Woot! Woot! Thanks for the prayers people! Of course, we have not been going and doing very much. As long as momma stays pretty close to her routine, she is easy to get along with, she is an easy keeper, LOL. And maybe it has something to do with her sleeping schedule? If she goes to bed early every night, like say 6, she sleeps until 9 or so, she wakes up in a good mood. Her closet fell down on Christmas morning. We fixed it that morning, with a temporary fix. Yesterday, we picked up one of those closet organizers with the wire shelving and put it in for her. The whole time we were in there putting that together, she was asking why we were doing that, she wasn't aware that the closet rod broke, and who broke it, and it wasn't her that broke it, etc. Oh well, we are getting used to that kind of behaviour. The things she does remember and the things she doesn't remember still amazes me. She does frequently get her stories mixed up, the details from a story from years ago, mixed in with a recent story is not uncommon. As we drive past the small church next to the interstate 55, she starts to tell me a story, "I never pass this church without thinking about your daddy and about Bro. Godair, and how he wanted your daddy to fill his pulpit, but your daddy never got the chance. I wonder if Bro. Godair is still the pastor there." I am pretty sure that Bro. Godair pastored a church down around Portageville, where I graduated high school. Or, as we pass a restaurant, she will say, "we used to go to that restaurant with another couple every Friday night, and then go home and play dominoes with them every Friday night". The restaurant we are passing is always different, but the story is always the same. Today, she picked up Kim's Bible, and opened it up and said "Look at this! I have never heard of this! You have heard of the New Testament? This is the Old Testament!" I nearly choked on my coffee!! Yesterday, she looked at her jacket and said, "this is the first time I have worn this jacket this year. I haven't worn it in a long time." I said, "well, momma, it is the first time you have worn it this year because it is January 3rd, 2011!" She laughed, and the moment passed. Never mind the fact that she has worn it to church the past two Sunday's. Life is sure interesting living with an Alzheimer's patient. Like one lady said, "you've seen one Alzheimer's patient, you've seen ONE Alzheimer's patient". Every one of them is different, yet every one of them have some common ground. There are similarities in all Alzheimer's patients, yet each and every one of them travel this path at a different speed.

My window of opportunity has closed at this point, so I will write about my doctor's appointment today, later. Perhaps tomorrow? Bottom line, I am healing good and it is time to schedule Phase II. My surgery was scheduled for February 2nd. Report to the hospital at 6:15am. Plan to be in the hospital 2-3 days, perhaps one drain. Here we go again......ready or not.

Happy New Year!

2011-01-01T11:22:00.008-06:00

When you have had cancer, it seems like every little "new" ache or pain sends you into a small panic attack, wondering if your cancer has returned. Last week, on Wednesday, on my way home from bible study in Festus, I began to feel "funny". Like a pain on my right side, that was kind of in my lower back on my right side, but it came around to my side, and my stomach, but only on my right side. At another time, and another place, my first thought would probably be, "oh, I must have pulled a muscle". But in this post-cancer stage of my life, that always seems to color my thinking. It always seems to rattle me a bit, mess with my focus a bit, and depending on how tired I am, may even cause me to have a little panic attack. I laugh as I write that. Again, in my pre-cancer days, I would laugh at the thought that I would even have a panic attack. To tell you the truth, I never really believed in panic attacks, having never experienced one myself. But now that I have actually experienced one, I now believe them to be real, teehee. I feel like that line from the Amy Grant song,

"People say that I'm amazing
Strong beyond my years
But they don't see inside of me
I'm hiding all the tears
They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
'Cause deep inside this armor
The warrior is a child"

I guess once cancer invades your world, it never seems to go away. When you are going through all that mess, you meet and chat with all kinds of people that are on their second and third recurrence. It kind of messes with the ideas you have that once you beat this, you will get on with your life. It will always be in the back of your mind, waiting for a weak moment, a pain, a lump, a twinge, anything that seems like it came from nowhere, and the next thing you know, you find yourself wondering, toying with the idea, that it is possible that your cancer has returned. Even though I had not been on any of the breast cancer web sites in quite awhile, I found myself going there again, and asking the girls if they too had these same fears every time they had a pain or twinge, and sure enough they did. Whew, that made me feel like I was normal, LOL! I know what you are thinking, what is normal exactly. Fine, I have never been normal, but at least the fears that I am having are common among those of us that have faced cancer. As Keith and I were discussing the pain I was having, where it was located, he was the one that reminded me that the kids did tell him that I had carried a two-drawer filing cabinet case downstairs by myself, that maybe I did indeed have a pulled muscle. I did take the drawers out first!! But yes, it was heavy enough that I only carried the one, then made Adam carry the other one for me. My kids looked at me when I came down the stairs with the cabinet in my arms, and it was Kimberly that said, "uh, mom, I thought you weren't supposed to be lifting heavy things". Everything in life is relative. Just when you think you have your focus back, and life is going along ok, a pebble is thrown, breaks your glass and your view is no longer clear, everything is out of focus. I remember thinking, when daddy was going through the Leukemia battle for his life, that I would be glad when life would get back to "normal". Then the Lord took my daddy home to be with Him. And I knew then, that no, my life would never get back to "normal". From now on, there would be a new kind of normal. This new kind of normal includes dealing on a daily basis with the fears that my breast cancer will indeed return and mess up my life again. This new kind of normal includes dealing on a daily basis with the stupid disease that has a death grip on my momma's mind....Alzheimer's. This new kind of normal includes me learning a whole new level of faith, and what it truly means to walk in the dark most of the time, with nothing to guide me except my faith. I don't know how people do it without faith, this life that is filled with fears that seem to cause even the strongest believers to fall to their knees on a regular basis. I love my Lord, and am proud to know that He loves me and calls me friend. I love that He still loves me, even when I fail Him on a regular basis, and He lovingly guides me gently back on the narrow path that He wants me to walk. He forgives me when I get lost in my pity party of "why is this happening to me, to my family?" He knows in my heart of hearts, that I love HIM and want only to please HIM with my life. I am grateful that HE continues to help me do that.

2010-12-28T19:16:00.002-06:00

I know I started this blog when my daddy was sick. Then it was my private blog, because I used his blog to keep people informed of his condition. Then when I got breast cancer, I was talked into making it public so that I could keep people informed of my condition and what I was going through. Well, now, I am going to use it for what I intended it to be, where I share what is on my mind, vent about whatever is going on in my life, or just document details that I want documented in writing somewhere. It may or may not be of any interest to anybody out there but me, but here goes.

The path I am currently walking is being the caregiver for my mom. She has Alzheimer's Disease. It is a hard disease to watch anyone go through, much less someone who is close to you, or at least used to be close to you. This disease has been termed the "long goodbye". People will tell you it is a disease that affects memory. But the ugly truth is, it is a disease that slowly but surely drives the person insane. It is so much more than a "memory issue". If all my momma did was repeat a question over and over, or tell me the same story over and over, that would be a welcome change to what is going on with my momma these days. We just celebrated Christmas, the day set aside to celebrate the birth of Jesus, our Lord and Saviour. As momma would open her gifts, she would put them in a large gift bag that was sitting there from someone else's gift. Later that evening, when she was getting ready to head to bed, she pulled that sack over to her chair a little closer and asked "what is in this bag?" As I pulled her gifts out to show her, "this is the box of candy Beck got you", and "this is the puzzle that Beck got you", and "this is the Circle the Word book and Snuggie that Kell got you" etc. , it was like Christmas all over again for her! She was all excited again! It was like this was the first time she had seen any of these gifts. When we are doing school at the table, mom will try and correct somebody and will read the numbers backwards or upside down (if they are on the other side of the table). For mom it will look like a 6 and to the child it is a 9, and she will tell them they are doing it wrong. Then the child will look at me, as if to say, "how am I supposed to respond to this situation??" I have told my kids "Grandma is always right, no matter what. Don't argue with her, it doesn't do anything but make her mad, so just agree, and move on." Mom has played dominoes all her life, she has taught all my kiddos how to play dominoes! But now, she doesn't remember the rules, and will play on any leg that she has a domino for. And she will get angry at anyone that plays on their own leg, if their play messes up her ability to play the only domino she had that she could have played! She will berate the child for messing up her chance to go out, because she could have played on that and now she can't and now she has to draw from the draw pile. Needless to say, we don't play dominoes very often anymore. And if we do, the kids know, we play by Grandma's rules, and Grandma always wins! My kids are getting to see a "Grandma" that is not the Grandma they have always known and loved. She will tell Emma Jean to go upstairs and go potty over and over, saying things like "your dancing, I know what that dance means, I used to have little girls, you get upstairs and go potty before you wee wee in your pants!" And Emma will go upstairs and go potty, or at least pretend to, and then come back downstairs, and five minutes later, momma will start again, "you need to go potty little girl before you wee wee in your pants." Emma will look at me with that pleading look, but will obediently go upstairs, go into the bathroom for a few minutes, then come back downstairs. After about the fifth time, she will begin to say "Grandma I don't need to go potty, I just went potty" and momma will get mad and say "you are not going to do what I say? Debra Faye, you need to intervene here, she is not doing what I am telling her to do". Kimberly, my 12 year old, has told me in private that she thinks Grandma just misses being a mom and telling someone what to do. Wow, how's that for wisdom from the mouth of a child? She is also losing the ability to use the right word in her thought process. Like instead of saying "bring the Pledge over here, I can see the dust on that TV cabinet", she will say, "bring the psssssshhhhsss stuff over here". If she can hear Adam's music, she will say "his level of hearing is high". Instead of "where is my trash can?", she will say "where is that thing you throw this kind of stuff into?" as she holds out her hand full of candy paper. But there are moments of clarity that pop up here and there, where my momma is once again....my momma! It is in those moments that you want to stop the world, stop whatever you are doing and chat with her about what is going on in your life. But as quickly as she appears, she is gone again. This really is the hardest part of this disease. The part where she doesn't think there is anything wrong with her, other than she is getting "old and forgetful". She is 73 years old. She is way too young to be this forgetful. No, this is not normal aging. But you can't tell her that either. The experts say we are not to tell them how bad they are, it will cause them to be stressed, or depressed. And the speed of progression of this disease is directly related to their anxiety or stress. If you can manage their anxiety, protect them from anything that causes them anxiety or stress, then you can slow down the progression. Every traumatic event could send them to a whole different level, a level that they will not recover from. The doctor says that when she declines, when she slips to a different level, that I am not to expect her to "come back" to the same level she was at before the trauma. That is so hard to accept.. And it is so hard to implement as well. This is my momma. In the past we were able to talk, have conversations about whatever was going on in my life, and she would give me some advice or at least a listening ear, some support. Not anymore. Recently, when she was complaining about a decision I had made, I gave her a frustrated answer like...."momma, I don't know the right thing to do in this situation, I just know that as a Christian, we should forgive, show love and move forward. I am open to any suggestions you have for a better way to handle this." She looked at me and for a minute, a moment of clarity, a brief glimpse of my momma appeared. She said, "well Debra Faye, you need to listen to the Lord then, because what I am thinking, and the advice I would give you is probably not very nice." I laughed out loud!! I tell you, on some days, she is there, spot on, and then other days she makes no sense at all, and nothing she says goes together, and it leaves you thinking "what was she trying to say to me??". There are days she is like an adult woman, and then there are days she is like a ten year old, trying to start a fight, being very antagonistic, trying to get someone, anyone, in trouble. I try and give her jobs that she can help me with, like setting the table, or folding the towels, or using the dust mop on the floors. She wants to do something to help. But if she sets the table, then she sets down and with a tone will say "someone gave me a small fork!" When one of my kids offered to take the small one and get her a larger one, she acted as if she was angry that they were trying to take her fork! I'm telling you, there are days that are just harder than others. My kids are being real troopers, but making memories with their Grandma, well, it is not exactly like that. I can see a couple of them starting to withdraw from Grandma. They don't want to come in and be in the same room with her, especially if it is on one of her bad days, and yes, they have learned to recognize the signs that this is indeed a "bad day". On those days, they stay in their rooms, do their school in their rooms, dodge Grandma at any cost. I find myself second guessing myself constantly, am I doing the right thing, taking care of my momma here in my home? Will this Grandma be the one they remember? Am I pushing the good memories of Grandma Adams completely out of their memories and replacing those memories with these feelings of fear and apprehension? I doubt that I will ever know if what I am doing is the perfect solution, but at this point, I doubt that I could do anything different. I can't put momma in a facility, when she doesn't think there is anything wrong with her. She will say "I am not there yet, I am not that bad yet". And the reality is, when we go and visit her friends that are in those facilities, she is worse than them mentally! Yet, there are so many sitting around in wheel chairs, in diapers, staring off into space, and yes, there is more to consider than her mental abilities, or lack thereof. When people spend their days in those situations, no wonder they give up, and cry, and want to die! What a way to spend your days. Where are these facilities that you see on TV, where the Senior Adults are having the time of their lives!? All I know is she is my momma, and I put her through all kinds of mess when I was a teenager, and so did my siblings. This is the time for me to rise up and call my momma blessed. This is the time for me to honor my parents, even if it is hard. It is a thank-less job. You don't get any thank yous, or any appreciation. You just do what needs to be done, what has to be done, "even if it is not fun, it still has to be done". Maybe I am teaching my kids that no matter what, no matter how hard it is, no matter how inconvenient it is in our lives, sacrifices have to be made to do the right thing. Because it helps us to focus on the fact that we should not be living this life for us. It ain't about us. Greater love hath no man than to lay down his life for another. Servant hood is caught, more than taught. In this society, serving others' needs above our own, is hard to find. And maybe, just maybe, as we do this very very hard thing, they will get it.

2010-07-31T14:48:00.002-05:00

Hey there folks! I just signed on to see when the last time I was on here, and read my last post, teehee. Apparently my husband had some time on his hands, while I was passed out in the hospital! I love him to death. Life has been super busy since I woke up from the over 7 hour surgery. It was a very painful and slow recovery. And let me tell you, I have a very high tolerance for pain! I have birthed 6 babies at home! I thought I was tough, until this surgery. I don't mind telling you, it flat laid me down. I think, if I had it to do over again, I would have made different choices. What I have been through, in pain, not to mention the inconvenience of it all, is not worth this body part I have now. The doctor says I have two more surgeries to go, but they will not be anything like what I just went through. The next one will most likely be a one night stay in the hospital, and the third one will be an out-patient surgery (same day?). And that I am not to make any "judgements" on his work until after we are all said and done. Yeah, right. I have an incision from hip to hip, that looks worse than Jen's scar from her C-section. And well, the other incisions are just plain weird looking. Keith says I went into surgery on Thursday morning, June 17th, at 6:30 a.m. and didn't wake up and actually talk coherently until Saturday night! Sunday I had to have help to get out of bed and go to the bathroom. Monday, I was able to get up, slowly, but at least I got up by myself. I had to roll over, and set up, but I could do it. On Tuesday they brought in my discharge papers and told me I could go home. I walked all hunched over like an old lady! I could not stand up straight, and therefore my back would begin to hurt if I stood up for very long. When I laid down, I had to have enough pillows behind me to keep me in a semi-upright position. Jenna, my daughter, had brought my momma down to the farm to help me in my recovery. Yes, I have a crew of kiddos to get this and get that, but they need a little guidance from an adult to make sure the chores get done, if you know what I mean. They told me it would be a 6 week recovery, with no driving for at least 4 weeks. I still have a weight limit on what I am allowed to lift. But, every day I am feeling a little stronger. I am not quite to the point of getting up and staying up and at it all day until dark, but every day I can stay up and at it a little bit longer! Believe me, I can tell when I have overdone it, too. My muscles in my stomach area are extremely tender. This makes it hard to hold my grand baby, Quincy for very long, but I am beginning to hold her a little more each day. She is such a joy, and I am missing being able to cuddle with her and play with her, and hold her up, and and and and. You get the picture. July 9th, Keith drove my mom and I to Portageville Missouri for my 35 year high school reunion. I didn't do much more than walk in and sit at a table and visit with friends from my past, but I did enjoy getting out of the house and seeing people! My mom got to visit with her BFF Thelma Harmon, which is where we stayed. We are getting ready to leave on Monday morning to drive my mom to Stuttgart Arkansas, because her brother, Henry Carl White passed away. We knew him as Uncle Shorty. It has been many years since my mom has gotten to see and visit with her family members from Possum Valley, and she is actually looking forward to her "White Reunion". I am sure it will be a few days of mixed emotions. Funerals are sad events, mixed with the silver lining of getting to see so many of your relatives and friends all in one place. It is about a 6 hour drive, so it shouldn't be too hard a trip. We will leave on Monday morning, and drive to Collierville, and stop and have lunch with mom's friend, Janice. While there, mom will get made beautiful again! Janice is a beautician! We will get back on the road, and head toward Stuttgart, the duck capital of the world, LOL! The visitation is Monday night, from 5-7 p.m. The funeral will be a grave-side service, per Uncle Shorty's request, on Tuesday afternoon at 2 o'clock. After that, we are playing it by ear. We may stay in Stuttgart and visit some more with momma's family, or we may get in the car and head at least part of the way home. I am not really sure at this point. I would appreciate your prayers for my momma, as I am sure this is going to rattle her good. I am looking forward to getting to actually meet some of my momma's family face to face. One of her family members in particular, I have been talking to in emails, Facebook chat and on the phone so much in the past three years, I feel as if we are best friends. Yet, we have never met face to face! I am really looking forward to that meeting...Cousin Bill, here I come!!

DAY IN A LIFE

2010-06-20T11:40:00.005-05:00

hello all,this is Keith, debs husband.the day is Sunday June 20, fathers day. We are at BJC Hospital in the third day of recovery of reconstruction surgery. Deb is doing much better this morning, took a little nourishment drinking fluids . RN"s plan to set her in chair today. I've pondered a lot of thoughts over the last few days as i watch my bride of thirty years lay in controllable pain. how can one woman withstand so much and still give so much. As most of you know the last 3 years have been a little trying to say the least, filled with hospital visits and hospital stays. Many many trips and countless miles back and forth to hospitals and to loved ones.YET in all that has transpired deb has never lost her focus on the task at hand, always ready to be there when needed, sacrificing her own children's time and mine to be there for her mother or who ever is in need. and her children will call her BLESSED. I sometimes wonder where she gets the strength, i am reminded of her constant faith,unwavering faith in our LORD JESUS CHRIST. I know that our time to enjoy is coming . It"s been awhile since we got to enjoy time off . As you probably know deb spent her birthday cleaning her mothers garage out so the termite man could drill through the concrete to treat the house every 14 inches, all day long. June 7, Monday,our 30 year anniversary she drove her mother to Memphis then over to little rock to spend time with old family friends, came back on Friday in time to take her to the doctors for mammogram got back to the farm on Saturday, June 12 left for hospital wed. June 16, really don't know how she has time for it all. she always says you have to make time and make it a priority. So here we sit and lay on fathers day enjoying each others company even if its in a hospital room in the middle of the city. we don't get to choose our paths sometimes we just walk the path that the lord lays before us . My thoughts and prayers go out to all those who cannot grasp the whole concept of true servant hood. Giving of yourself and your time when its inconvenient not convenient,sacrificing your own true enjoyment to give enjoyment to the less fortunate. sacrificing, do we really know the true meaning ,I know my wife does, I see her push her self to the limits all so often,I can stand by her and support her as i always have and always will. WHERE THE LORD GUIDES THE LORD PROVIDES''

Processing lots of stuff these days...

2010-05-20T15:40:00.002-05:00

I signed on and was surprised to see that I had not been on here since March. Life has been so incredibly busy. On March 15, I had my port removed. On March 17, my mom had a fainting spell at church while at her Wednesday bible study. On March 18, I took her up to Excel Imaging to have an ultrasound done to check for blockages in her veins that might be a contributing factor to these dizzy spells. On March 19, her neurologist called and suggested we add another drug (Trileptal) to her prescriptions. On March 20, I moved up to mom's so that I could watch her for any reactions to this new drug. I figured I needed some quite time to work on her tax return anyway, so I packed a bag and moved up there. It also was spring break for the Sullivan kiddos, so they came to my house for their spring break! On Monday, my sister Lois came to mom's to join us. Mom kept asking me how I was coming on the tax returns and why don't I take a break and come join them, so eventually I just closed up the laptop and went and sat outside in the swing with them. We did lunch with mom's friend from House Springs, and mom really seemed to be having a good time. Not long after we laid down to bed on Tuesday night, Lois stuck her head in the bedroom telling us that she was heading up to pick up my sister Becky from the St. Louis airport! Beck had been somewhere to watch her daughter play volleyball for her school, and because of a huge snowstorm in the Denver area, her flight had to be re-routed! Woohoo! So, it took an act of God, but all three of mom's girls were there with her for her birthday! Beck and Lois arrived at mom's a little past midnight, and were leaving the next morning by 9:30 a.m. I don't mind telling you, I was hoping for a little longer lay-over, but it was nice that momma got to see them and spend some time with them both. Then we made it through Palm Sunday and Easter, got mom started on Meals on Wheels program, and finished up the tax returns and got them in the mail. On April 20, while up there to get her grass mowed, we found termites. We made the appropriate phone calls to get someone over there to inspect and confirm, and yes, it was confirmed. He did a walk through of the basement to make sure there were none on the inside, and there were not, thank God! There was some damage to a door frame on the outside of the basement, but that was minor. We made the appointment to have her house sprayed on May 12th, the soonest he could come. After giving me the instructions to have her garage cleaned out, everything away from the walls before he returned, we made the appointment. April 22, mom had another doctor's appointment, that was just a check-up to make sure everything was fine. They doubled her Aricept and her seizure meds based on their assessment after giving her the MM test again. She is now on 10 mg of Aricept once a day, 1000 MG of Keppra twice daily, and 300 mg of Trileptal twice daily. We keep her pills in a pill box with the days of the week to help her know if she has taken them or not, and Kelly makes sure she gets the morning dose before she leaves for work and I call her around 5ish and remind her to take the evening pills. Sometimes Kelly has to work until closing (8pm) and mom will go to bed before Kelly gets home. Other than the Dementia issues/Alzheimer's issues, mom is doing great. She is still considered to be in Stage 5, with some days (her off days) some issues that are considered to be Stage 6. You can read through the stages on www.ALZ.org But most days, she is a solid Stage 5.

That's a quick update on my life with my momma. The update on my cancer walk has been pretty much normal until this week. I have enjoyed having a life that resembled my normal before cancer life. My energy level is still not what it was before cancer, but I am getting there. It has been 6 months since I finished my last radiation treatment. It has been 3 months since I got my port removed. So, without the regular trips to Barnes, I have fallen into the feeling "I am done". And, with that feeling, I began to feel good about continuing on with the "next thing". That next thing is re-construction. I thought I was ready enough to go to my doctor appointment by myself. Bad decision. I took two of my daughters, Jen and Jess, and of course, my grand baby, Quincy. They sat out in the waiting room, which put me in there alone, with the doctor that was giving me a run down of all the procedures that this would entail, as well as all the worst case scenarios. The more he talked, the more light headed I got, and it wasn't long before I was feeling the intense need to lay on the floor and feel the cool tile against my face. I told the doctor I just wanted to sign the consent form and leave. I had told him what I wanted, based on my research, made sure he understood that, and said where do I sign. He said, no way, that I needed to take it home, think about it, look it over with my husband, and fax it back to him. This was a huge surgery, and possibly life threatening and not to be taken lightly. It was not a "boob job". He said, he does those, and most of those girls return to work rather quickly. But reconstruction after mastectomy was a totally different animal, and involved severed veins, damaged veins, brittle bones from radiation, damaged skin, etc. Veins, arteries, important issues, these things would need to be moved around, reattached in other places to make sure that adequate blood supply was in place in order for tissue and other things to be able to survive. It is a 6 hour surgery. I should plan to be in the hospital for a minimum of 4 days, some require a week long stay. I need to report for surgery at 5:30 am the day of surgery, with nothing to eat or drink after midnight the night before. This surgery is a standard 6 weeks recovery, and I should expect to walk like "an old man", hunched over for at least a couple weeks, maybe longer. Lots and lots of details that I won't share here, but suffice it to say, I was feeling more than a little nauseated. What was I thinking?? I don't know why I thought I was "ready" for this. I came out of that office, trying not to run down the hall, down the stairs, and across the parking lot to my car. I wanted to be home, sitting on my deck, watching my birds, listening to my kiddos play in the yard....I wanted to be HOME. I know, I know that God is in control, and that God's got this, and I have faith He will see me through all of this, but I was feeling like a big fat human being, with a whole bunch of emotional hormones running rampant. I felt like that Amy Grant song..."they don't know that I go running home when I fall down". I wanted to run home. I called Keith, met him at the parking lot of the local gas station, and just cried as he wrapped his arms around me right there on the parking lot. It's not over, by a long shot. More surgery, more drains, more pain, more recovery, more bed time, more down time, more "he maketh me lie down" time. I will get through this, I will, with God's help.

Finally, a light at the end of the tunnel....

2010-03-10T10:12:00.004-06:00

I am sitting at Barnes, in the Infusion room, in a recliner. Today, as this Herceptin is being pumped into my veins, through my port, I am having all kinds of emotional feelings. Today, is my last Herceptin treatment. As I walked the familiar walk from the garage, this was on my mind. As I walked the familiar path to the elevators of the Siteman Cancer Center, this was on my mind. As my emotions were running wild, trying to process all that has happened to me in the past 18 months, it sometimes just overwhelms me. As I walk, I notice all the people that are coming and going, everyone has their own "normal" routine. This routine has been my "normal" for so long. I know, 18 months is not really "so long". That amount of time is but a vapor in this life. But this walk, this path, that I have been on, has been harder than I had thought it would be. Emotional roller coaster, definitely. Cancer seems to cause everyone to re-evaluate their life's direction. As my circumstances began to consume more and more of my time and attention, it caused me to constantly lose sight of who was in control. In one of my devotions last week, or maybe it was a couple of weeks ago, it was talking about how your biggest "danger was worrying about tomorrow. If you try and carry tomorrow's burdens today, you will stagger under the load and eventually fall flat. You must discipline yourself to live within the boundaries of today." There's wisdom there, folks. I need to stop judging and evaluating myself. That's not my job. I need to stop comparing myself to others. This will produce either feelings of pride, or inferiority; sometimes a mixture of both. And both are wrong and meaningless. When I first started out on this path, this personal path of cancer, the future was scary. When we try and think about the future, no wait, lets call it what it is, WORRY about the future, we are showing our rebellion towards God. We are taking those things that belong to God, and trying to manage them ourselves. The future belongs to God. All we have is today, there is no promise of tomorrow. It is a constant battle for me to look at today, not tomorrow, or next week...TODAY. If I start to look at the future, I get anxious. That should be the red flag that stops me from thinking about the future!! God is God and I am not. I am trying to train myself to always be THANKFUL. If God is putting something in my path, I should be THANKFUL for it. There is a purpose for it, HIS purpose. If I am not seeing my faults, God has a way of putting some person or some situation in my path that brings out that fault, in living color, so that I have to deal with it. I need to be THANKFUL for the opportunity to deal with it, so that I can try and become the person God wants me to be, minus that part of my personality that hinders that. "We all have issues" is a commonly used phrase to stop us from actually doing something about our issues. Yes we do all have issues. But, as Christians, we should be actively trying to change to be better people, better Ambassadors for Christ. We should make it our passion to make people want the Christ we have. They should see something about us that is different, something about the way we handle life, that makes them wonder what we have, what helps us cope. That could open up an opportunity for us to tell them about our faith, about our relationship with Jesus. I admit, there have been times when I have fallen way short of that goal. There have been times in my life where I am sure people walked away shaking their heads at me, thinking they didn't want anything I had. But, God is a loving and forgiving God, and knows where I have been, and knows where He is taking me. He knows how far I have come, and how far I still have to go, before I even get close to where He needs me to be. The key is to stay focused on God, stay thankful for all He puts in my path to get me there. Stay focused on the fact that everything He does is for my good, but more importantly, for His glory. Understanding is not a requirement. FAITH is a requirement. One foot in front of the other, walking, trusting, leaning, holding onto....GOD. I don't need to know the plan. I know the one who is in charge, and I know He loves me, and I trust HIM. Lord help me to not only be able to say that, but to live my life in a manner that shows that.

2010-02-12T11:19:00.002-06:00

I have been going back and forth with emotions these days. Ok, not even "back and forth", more like all over the map. So, is it the drugs I am still on for the Cancer? Is it a symptom of menopause? Is it part of the everpresent grief process? Is it a symptom of my life? We as Christians are not supposed to be depressed. We are supposed to always show the joy of Jesus. Don't get me wrong here. I do have the "joy, joy, joy, joy, down in my soul." But, there are days that I allow the circumstances of life bump my focus. I should not allow that, I know. I need to get more in the Word, listen to more Christian music, but life keeps getting in the way of that too! I have been talking "at" the Lord a lot lately, and I know I need to do more "listening" for direction. That's the trouble. I know what I need to be doing, I know the right things to do, I just am not doing them. That makes all this even worse. "There are no good decisions, just decisions." We as Believers, we have all the head knowledge we need. Most of the time, we even have the heart knowledge we need. It is the application of all that knowledge that seems to make life a bit tricky. It is not enough to say we believe God is in control. What should set believers apart is how they live their life. Do we actually live our lives as if God is in control? I remember when I found out that I was pregnant with my Emma Jean. She was baby number 10. I was 46 years old, and my "baby" was 5 years old. Enough time had passed since my last pregnancy, that I had already dealt with the mixed bag of emotions that came with being too old to birth anymore babies. Whether or not I wanted anymore children, is not the point. I had accepted the fact that I was too old to have anymore children. When I knew that I was indeed pregnant, and was going to have another baby, I had a flood of emotions. The main one was fear. Fear of birthing a baby at 46 years old. Fear of what people would say when they found out that we were going to have another baby. I shed some tears, I'm not going to lie. And what my husband Keith said to me was "God is in control. Either you believe that or you don't. And if you do, then why are you crying? You can tell people we are going to have another baby, when you can tell them without crying." I was scared! I let fear get the best of me. I let the fear of what other people think of me get the best of me. I let circumstances that were scary, shake my belief, or my confidence, in who is in control. I know better than that. I was raised better than that. Not only did I live with parents who set a very high mark and lived a good example, but since my marriage to my husband, we have developed a very strong faith muscle of our own. Every child has to develop his or her own Christianity, their own faith. When Keith and I were expecting our second child, Kelly Rene, the factory where Keith has worked since he was 18 announced they were closing their doors. Keith's dad worked at that factory. His grandpa had worked at that factory. It was a huge employment provider for this area. But here we were, with one child and one child on the way, and faced with unemployment and cancellation of our insurance. Even after the company offered him various positions within the company, in other locations, we prayed about it, and Keith felt very strongly that God was going to take care of us, and something else would turn up.....in Festus. He did not feel at peace with accepting the employment if it meant we would be moving our family away from Festus. Lots of years later, lots of faith trials later, and I am still letting circumstances fill me with fear. God has always, always been there for me. He has never let me down. Yet, like the Israelites, when trials come and make life hard for me, I doubt Him. After all He has done for me. It is so frustrating. When does Christian maturity come? How old will I be when I am mature in the faith? Will I ever be? I have received the news that a very dear friend that was in a car wreck about a month ago, has gone home to be with Jesus. She was my age. She was a good friend. I loved her.

2010-01-16T08:57:00.002-06:00

Hello people! I realize I have not written anything on here in over a month. I am so crazy busy. I did have a wonderful Christmas with all my family here. My momma even agreed to come down and spend the night at my house on Christmas Eve, so that my daughter Kelly could be with us on Christmas morning. That was a first! We were all so thrilled and excited. It does make things easier when mom is agreeable and "goes along with the plan". That is getting less and less these days. As mom progresses in this disease, she gets more and more adamant about doing things her way. "You have to use this door, not that door, to go in and out of my house." "You need to wrap up the baby this way BEFORE you put her in her car seat." "You need to turn up here and take this road, it will be faster." Creative re-direction is the tool of choice these days.

I am still traveling back and forth to do my Herceptin treatments every 21 days. I got a letter in the mail Monday, telling me that my recent bloodwork pathology showed that I was extremely low on my Vitamin D levels. Normal readings should be around 40-50, and mine were 14! So, they put me on prescription level Vitamin D. You can buy 1000 iu over the counter. I need 50,000 iu weekly, minimum. So they gave me 50,000 iu pills to take once a week in addition to the over the counter ones I am taking. The fatigue is still annoying me. I still manage to push through my day and get my stuff done, but by dark-thirty, my mind is gone, and I can barely make a clear thought, much less a coherent conversation. And emotional? Geez, I am so emotional these days, if you look at me with your mean face, I will more than likely cry! I will try and explain to you through my tears that I am ok, and just to give me a minute, but still....will cry. I try and get all my emotional stuff out of the way in the mornings. But, occasionally, something will sneak up on me, and bam....my focus is whacked. Once I get a good night sleep, I am much better in the mornings! I am asking for prayer, as there are many issues I am facing at this time. So many that to try and put them into words would just make me cry, and then I would not be able to finish this, so just move me up to the top of the prayer list, please. God knows what the needs are, and God answers prayer. I know this to be true, which is why I am asking all my prayer warriors out there to pray on! I need to be held up in prayer, as Satan is attacking with the big guns. My daddy used to say, our biggest weakness, is an unguarded strength. Well, something I had always thought was strong, has recently been attacked, and I need some serious prayer from serious Christian believers. Thanks, in advance.....

2009-12-02T18:14:00.002-06:00

Hey there folks! I sure hope you all had a Happy Thanksgiving! Mine was full, LOL, in more ways than one. I have been hosting the big meal at my house for many years now. This year, my sister, Lois, and her family joined us again. They live in Chicago, so it is easier for them to join us in Missouri for the holidays. Especially, since Bryan, my brother-in-law's family lives in Missouri as well. I was very blessed to have all 10 of my children join us as well. Plus, as in year's past, we had a few additional guests. Those of you with teens, know that they usually have some of their friends come as well. And this year was no exception. For those of you who need to know a head count, let me help you out. There were twelve "original" Govero's, my daughter-in-law and grandson (13-14), my daughter Kate's boyfriend (15), my daughter Jenna's fiance (16), three additional friends (17-19), my mom (20), my sister's family (21-28). Yep, we had 28 people for Thanksgiving dinner! And believe it or not, we had food left over, LOL! I am pretty sure everyone had a good time. After the big meal, some retired to the couches to just relax, while some went outside to work off some of the calories they had just consumed. There were basketball games, football games, and some just riding four wheelers all over the farm, enjoying the beautiful day we had.

The day before Thanksgiving, I was at Barnes, getting my Herceptin treatment. There is a rumor going around that I am done with all my treatments. Well, I am not exactly done. It is winding down, yes, but won't be done for a while yet. I still have to have Herceptin treatment every 21 days through March, 2010. In May, I will begin the process of re-construction. Sometime after March, I hope to have this Porta-cath removed. But, for now, my burns from radiation are all healed up. I still am carrying around the extra weight gain that comes from Herceptin. As of this writing, I have gained 21 extra pounds since this journey began. I can barely contain my excitement at that knowledge. Can't wait to see what the final total will be, considering I have 3 more months of this Herceptin treatment. Trying to make me feel better, my plastic surgeon told me that "don't worry, we will need all that extra flesh to re-build you later". I am still trying to feel better about that. I just keep telling myself, "this too shall pass", and someday, this will all be behind me, and I will again, be my normal self, with my new normal body. My hair is growing back too! It is now long enough to actually curl with a curling iron, and this week, I have actually used hair spray again! Geez, the things that excite me now days. I am still working on getting rid of the fatigue that is also a side effect of all the stuff I have been through. I walk a little more each day, but I am still not up to my 2 miles I was doing.

Now that I have you all caught up on the Thanksgiving stuff, and the cancer stuff, I want to vent a little. Bear with me here. Has anyone else noticed all the stuff going on in this world these days? Satan is alive and well on this planet earth, and walking to and fro, seeking whom he can devour. The blatant sin around me these days never ceases to amaze me. Nobody seems to fear God anymore. Even though the bible clearly states in Hebrews 12, how God will punish His children, people just keep on living in sin, daily, as if there is no God. Now don't get me wrong. I know that the Bible also says we all sin. But the Bible also tells us to "go and sin no more". So, as Christians, we should at least be TRYING not to sin, TRYING to live a Godly life, TRYING to show the world there is something different about a follower of Christ. When a Christian sins, there should be remorse, we should feel bad! We should try harder, do better. But daily I get news that breaks my heart. News that yet another "believer" has fallen, or worse, walked away from their faith. They have decided that "it is just not worth fighting anymore". "life is too short", or "I deserve to be happy". People just aren't willing to do the hard things anymore. If it is hard, they walk away. Marriage is hard. My mom and dad were married over 55 years. Keith's mom and dad have been married 62 years! At the rate that this generation is going, not to mention the younger generation, I doubt seriously that will be found in a few years. Give it 10 years, and people who are willing to do whatever it takes to stay married, will be hard to find. It is way too "acceptable" to live together without benefit of marriage. It is way too acceptable to have a baby, without being married. "bastard n. A child born out of wedlock." Yea, that's in the dictionary! Hmmm, does that mean the dictionary is a "religious book"? Because to get married before you have a child, well, that's just some religion telling you what to do. Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral." Hebrews 13:4 That's Bible, people! I know people in their 70's, that are living together without getting married, because "she would get her social security cut in half if we get married!". I know people who are struggling financially, and their answer is not "for richer for poorer". It is, "I can do better than this. I am gonna divorce you, go out, get me a job." It is the same line Satan has been feeding people for years....the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. If marriage gets hard, lets throw in the towel, go our separate ways, and ignore the fact that we stood before God and VOWED to each other. We made commitments to each other, in front of witnesses! And this generation that we are raising up now, watching all this, are gonna grow up seeing, words are just words....empty promises. People will say anything, in the heat of the moment, to get what they want. But they will not stick to their word. There is no honor anymore. There is no character. It is hard to find anyone under the age of 30 who is willing to do hard things, and walk the walk of a "disciple of Christ". I know they are out there! I have friends that are doing it! But I am sure they are feeling like the lone ranger. You can always find a huge support group for sin! But finding a "support group" for those that want to go against the grain, stand up for Christ, do Godly things, make Godly choices, come what may? That is harder to do. Too many people let money dictate their morality. Let their friends' opinions, dictate what they will or will not do. Not many are willing to do what looks good in God's eyes. Do what God wants them to do. That would just be hard, it would cost them something! My daddy used to call it "cheap grace". They profess faith, if it's easy. But if it costs them anything, well, let me think about it. Today, the Bible Study I went to, was out of the text Hebrews 12. We jumped around to Romans as well. It was about how to live for Christ in stressful times. Yea, I needed to hear that!!!! I am not the only one, I am sure. Stress is all around us. Satan is attacking every single family I know right now. Some are suffering financially, some have children that are walking away from the faith of their families, thumbing their noses at God! Some have thrown in the towel on their marriage, saying "they're done!". The constant stress and frustration causes many Christian parents to feel like failures. They pour their life into their children. Try to raise them in Christian homes, take them to church, teach them about the Bible, teach them about Christ, and yet, as soon as they get their own "freedom to make my own choices", they don't live Christian lives. The choose sin. They no longer attend church. They move in with their boyfriends/girlfriends. The Bible says, "train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it." OK, so, I keep telling myself, my children are not old.......yet. My prayer this week, is for Christians to stand up and do the right thing, the Godly thing. Even if it costs them something......even if it hurts.

2009-11-14T21:00:00.002-06:00

I admit, because I post on Facebook alot, I sometimes forget that some people don't participate in the social network system. And then, I get an email that gently reminds me that some people are just wondering how I am doing. I am finished with my daily trips to Barnes for radiation treatment therapy. I am burned to a crisp. It didn't start to get bad until the last week. And although they warned me that the skin would continue to burn, even after the radiation was completed, I guess I didn't believe them! But yes, after a week, it seemed to be getting redder and redder. It was actually getting worse, even though I was done! And, I am burned on my back, because some of the rays apparently go all the way through my body. So to say I am burned "through and through" would not be an understatement. But, the team at the Radiation department have been very good with giving me the tools I need to try and be comfortable. I am using a creme called Aquafor. When that didn't give me much relief, they gave me some stuff called Sulfur something. Oh well, this too shall pass. I finally read somewhere on one of the breastcancer.org sites, that I should use those non-stick pads, and wrap myself after applying the ointments. And surprisingly, it has given me some relief. I still can't wear the appropriate clothing, but I have decided to take a week or so off from my normal running here and there to allow my body some time to heal. Which is good, considering I have caught some kind of virus. I went to the Beth Moore conference with the ladies from FBC-Festus last Friday and Saturday. Then on Sunday morning, I went to church with my family and my mom. Then Sunday afternoon, I attended a baby shower given in honor of my daughter Jenna. Somewhere in all that, I caught something. By Wednesday night, I was running a fever of 102. I called my Oncologist, and they called in a prescription for me. Right now, I am low on infection fighting cells, so they are not taking any chances. And with deer season in full swing, all my "big people" are gone to the deer woods. So, here at home, it is just Kim, Kassy and Emma and of course, me. So, with that said, it is now time for me to finally lay on the couch for some much deserved down time. My girls are thrilled with pot pies, frozen pizza, and Ramen noodles! Keith was having a hard time trying to decide whether or not to leave me laying on the couch and go off to deer camp with his buddies. I encouraged him, go on, I'll be fine. I need to lay on the couch for a few days. Really, I'll be just fine. So, on Wednesday afternoon, he left, with Adam, Jessica and Ethan. I truly intended to not leave the farm. Really, I did. But, after a couple conversations with my mom, I felt the need to drive to Festus on Thursday. Mom did not go to Bible Study on Wednesday, again. She said it was because there was no gas in her car. She said, "I went and got in the car, but my gas tank said empty! So I just got back out of the car and came back inside. I don't know what happened to all my gas!" Well, I loaded up my girls and headed up there to see what was going on. Once I got there, I got her car keys and said, let's go see what's going on mom. As soon as I got in the car, sure enough, gas hand was on E. But once the key was inserted, and turned, it jumped up to Full. I carefully explained that to mom, and she seemed to understand. We went back inside and after chit chat, I decided to leave the girls there with mom while I did some running. Once that was done, we had lunch, and I loaded up the girls and we came back home. I have been here ever since. Yes that's right. I left the house on Thursday, but not since. I have been taking it easy here on the farm. Of course, Keith had called in re-enforcements. Jenna and Galina came in on Friday. They were here all day on Friday, and stayed until dark. Jen had to be back at work on Saturday morning, so she left sometime Friday night to go back to the city. Kell came in on Friday night sometime, because when we came downstairs Saturday morning, there was Kell, asleep on the couch. And, although she was off and running around today, she said she is coming back here tonight to sleep, and plans to hunt in the morning. Yes, I have red-neck girls. Oh yea, Keith called this evening, and says he got an 8 pt buck! I didn't ask how big or anything, because I just don't care, teehee. Meat in the freezer is all I care about! I told him how Emma was now sick, and has a fever of 103, but that I am able to control it with Ibuprofen. She goes from laying on the couch, sick and whining, to sitting up, and walking around playing, depending on where in the cycle of time she is. I hope this thing doesn't make it's rounds through my whole family!! Thanksgiving is coming! I am also coming up on my one year anniversary of when I started walking this cancer path of my own. Last year, I put my mom on the plane to Colorado for Thanksgiving on November 16th, and as soon as I put her on the plane, I drove straight to the clinic for a check-up. I knew when I went that they were going to tell me I had cancer. Well, I can't say I knew, but I suspected they would. I had already been on the Internet, and done my own checking. Sure enough, they set me up with an appointment to go to Barnes for a "diagnostic mammogram". The rest, shall we say, is history. It has been a long year filled with 24 weeks of chemo therapy, followed by a right side mastectomy in June, and finishing up with 6 weeks of radiation treatments. This whole thing has changed my perspective on so many levels. I used to say, "pick your battles". Now days, I have come to be even more picky on what I am willing to battle for. Family has become even more important to me than I could imagine. Making memories seem so much more precious. Time is something you truly don't get back, and you don't get "do overs". I want to live my life pleasing to my Lord. I want to live my life in a manner that honors my Lord. I know there are days I fall short of that goal, but that is still the goal. I will press on towards the mark. I want to run the race, I want to finish the race. I want to love my kids and my husband, and my grand kids! I want to make smart choices and decisions. I want to set a good example for my girls of how to be a Godly woman as well as a Godly, submissive wife. I want to live like I was dying, but live a life of decency and honor. I am glad to be married to my husband. I love him with all my heart, and he is a good man. I am honored that he loves me and makes me feel that I am the center of his world. I love that he is "into me". He makes me laugh, and he makes me cry, and in the course of our 29 years together, I am sure I have been so mad at him I could spit. But, I wouldn't change one thing about him. He is the love of my life. I am blessed. God has richly blessed me with my family. Words cannot express it properly.........

2009-10-21T09:53:00.003-05:00

Hey there folks! Today, the weather here in Missouri is absolutely gorgeous!! The sun is shinning, the fall colors are popping, and the temps are mild. Yesterday it got up to 75 degrees, and it was nice to get to sit outside with my mom in her swing. Those days are few and far between these days, and getting fewer. It was nice to take advantage of the nice weather with my mom. I have passed the half way mark with my radiation treatments!! Woohoo!! I am still making the daily trip to Barnes/Siteman Cancer Center. My time slot is 11:40, but I try and switch it, on a day by day basis. Some days they give me a later slot in the afternoon, and I try and get the next day as an early morning slot. That way, it seems I have more time at home with my kiddos. They have been so good about not having mommy around very much these days. They are such troopers. Jessica has stepped up and become the number one chef. She does the cooking, without me even having to come up with an idea for her, or a menu for her to work from. These days, I am feeling so very un-organized. I used to be Executive Assistant to the Managing Partner of a well known accounting firm. I went to college. I had my files in order at home. I could, at any moment, find whatever I was looking for, even if it was the receipt for some piece of equipment we have had for 10 years!! These days?? Ha! A totally different story. My desk stays piled up with papers that need to be filed. My books are a couple months behind, teehee. Not to mention everything else that is on my plate these days. When I got the chance to spend some time with some friends from our rodeo days recently, we talked about how your life can change in a phone call. How events that come up in your life, can alter your future plans, whether you want it to or not. My life in 2007 changed. Things were put on hold, such as our rodeo activities. The kids back then, were very good about it all, very understanding. Then, again in 2008, things were put on hold for different reasons, in order to help others adjust to a new and different lifestyle. And yes, again, things were put on hold because I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. We keep saying, someday, we will once again go and do like we used to go and do. We will once again be "normal". We will once again participate in the sport that my kids had grown up in, and come to love. We will once again get to rub shoulders with friends that we were once as close, or even closer than family, friends we rarely see anymore. But I keep telling myself, through all of this, my kids are learning things that are way more important than reading, writing and math. Yes, those things are important. And, yes, they are still learning all their academics. Yes, we are behind where we should be, but we are daily, one step at a time, walking this path the Lord has put before us. God has plans for us, as a family. When He put me on this path, He didn't just me on this path. He knew, that because I would be walking this path, it would also affect my family, my kids, my husband. It would change our perspective on many things as a result of this path. Things we use to take for granted, now, seem trivial. Other things, seem so much more important. Relationships, traditions, and memories have been moved to the top of the list of "goals". When people get older, they tend to look back on their memories and their relationships. Those things are what brings smiles to their faces. These are the life lessons that my kids are learning these days. The sacrifices we can make, the ones we get to make, in order to make someone else happy. These are hugely important. Teaching important lessons like, making changes in your plans, your goals, in order that someone else can be happy. "It's all about me!" seems to be the message that saturates our society in today's world. When it comes to making sacrifices for others, serving someone else's wants or needs, that is hard to do. Especially if it is hard. Especially if it will cost us something. Like the song on one of my favorite CD's...."deep water faith, in the shallow end." If our faith is stretched to the point of pain, or past where we can actually see the results, then, well, life gets harder, and we lose our focus. If we are forced to make decisions "in the heat of the moment", and those decisions are not popular, then we begin to re-think them, question whether or not we made the right choices. It is getting harder and harder to maintain focus these days. But, thankfully, God knows our motives, and God looks at our hearts. If I can do nothing else, I want to keep that thought in my mind. No matter what I do, wrong or right, I want to please God. God knows that, in my heart of hearts, I don't want to do anything that would bring him shame. So, even when I screw up, God picks me up, dusts me off, and sets my feet back on the path, and gives me the help I need to walk this path. This path that is so full of snares and distractions, that on any given day, it is hard to remember where I am supposed to be, much less what time. I am going to be finishing up my last radiation treatment the first week of November. I am grateful, that so far, I have only slight pinkness and itchiness. I am rubbing the lotion and the Aloe Vera gel daily, twice a day. Even when I stay at my mom's house. I have asked her to rub it on my back shoulder blade that is getting pink and itchy as well. Pray that I will finish this path, without blistering. I sooo don't want to deal with blisters and peeling!!! But, like the rest of this path, I will deal with whatever comes up. I will try and deal with it in a manner that is pleasing to the Lord. But, when I fall short of that goal....forgive me. I heard one of the radio preachers this week, talking about being a hypocrite. He said, as Christians, we have goals and standards we want to be able to live up to. And the only way to not be a hypocrite, is to NOT have goals and standards! We fall short of our goals and standards, and others label us a hypocrite. But, because we are not willing to give up those goals and standards, we keep on trying, day after day. So, yea, there are days I fall short. I don't act like the godly Christian woman I want to be, I strive to be. But, I am not going to throw out my goals and standards, because I fail. I will continue to hold them up, as the goal. I will continue to give it my best, despite all the distractions and painful things that come into my life these days. Despite all the frustrations and disappointments, I will continue to try and respond in a manner that says I have something different in my life, something different in my heart. My daddy used to say, that was a true test of a Christian. When life gets hard, and we are forced to respond to something hard, painful, or disappointing, what comes spilling out?? It is "easy to be a Christian", when life is easy. When the bumps in the road come along, how do we respond? We should respond differently. We should respond in a manner that would make someone stop and go....wow. That would make my cheese slide off my cracker, and my cracker slide off my plate!! I fail in that occasionally. I do have melt downs. But, when I do, I cry out to my Lord, ask HIS forgiveness, and He always picks me up, and sets me back on the right path, refreshed and renewed. Thank God for his mercy!!!! Without God's mercy, I know I could not walk this path I am on. I don't know how those that don't have a relationship, a faith in God, get through one minute of their day!! Praise God! Thank you for this day!! Every day is a gift!!

2009-10-09T21:53:00.002-05:00

I have now completed 13 radiation treatments. I am just now beginning to get a little "itchy" in some spots. The doctor told me that is how it begins, with itching. I am doing the cream daily, morning and evening, to try and avoid the itching and peeling. But, I do have some itching. Oh well, I will up the cream applications. As I went to lay down on the radiation table last Friday, I was discussing with the Lord, my frustrations with the whole process. Admittedly, I was letting Him know how frustrated I was with the fact that I even had to do this whole radiation thing, and how I wish He would just give me some sort of peace, or a sign of why I have to do this. Within minutes, the technician walked over and hit the play button the cd player and the song by the BeeGees began to belt out....."Staying Alive, staying aliiiiiivvvvvvvvee". I laughed out loud! The nurse turned around and asked if I was alright. I told her I just asked God why I had to do this, and He instantly gave me an answer! She said what was it? I said, well, you hit play, and it said....staying alive. I figure that was a very clear answer. She didn't seem to be as convinced as I was, teehee.

Life has been busy since we got back from Florida. For starters, last week, Kelly called me early one morning, and told me that "grandma fell and hit her head". I talked to mom on the phone, and once I was sure she was ok, told her I was on my way. When I got there, she had a cut on her head that was bleeding, and they had a rag on it. It wasn't bleeding badly, but it looked like it could use a couple stitches. It took some talking, but I got mom to agree to go to the "doctor to have it looked at". Once in the car, I took her to the ER at St. Anthony's. They did an EKG, and a Cat Scan, and a couple x-rays. Once they were convinced she was fine, other than the bump on the head, they came in and cleaned it all up and glued it shut. Apparently they don't stitch anymore, they super-glue! Thankfully, they didn't opt to keep her, and released her to go home. She kept saying she wasn't staying and they had better not keep her this time. My opinion is that mom is not eating like she should, and was putting her clothes away from her suitcase. Lots of bending over, up and down, she got dizzy and passed out. She's a hard headed woman, and no matter what I say, she just says, "Deb, I don't eat the way I used to eat, I know, but I do eat." Right after she had her seizures, I had made several phone calls to inquire about some services like Life Alert and Meals on Wheels. Right after her seizures, she was all about doing whatever it takes to stay in her home, agreeing to everything I suggested. She even told the doctor that I was building a room addition for her. She even went so far as to say, "Deb, I don't want to take my bed down there, but we can take that bed from the blue room. That way, my bed will still be here for when I want to come home for awhile." Yea, well, the further we get away from the seizures, the more confident mom gets about her ability to stay in her home. And, the more she becomes convinced she is not ready for things such as Life Alert and Meals On Wheels. The Meals on Wheels people are very kind, and just answered the questions, and that was it. The Life Alert people, however, have called me numerous times since then, trying to close the deal so to speak. I put them off because of going to Florida in September, didn't want to be paying for something during that month, that we would not be needing. Then when we got back, they called once when I was in the office with my doctor, so again, I put them off telling them I would call them when I got my mom to agree to all this. It is an upfront expense, as well as a monthly fee. I am already paying for mom's Jitterbug phone, both the upfront fee, as well as the monthly fee. I am trying to do what I can without upsetting mom, and if it doesn't cost her anything, she will agree more, but if it costs her something, well, then, she doesn't need it. That is just mom. Kind of like the Aricept. More times than not, I pay for that. I figure it will all even out eventually. The hardest thing about taking care of mom right now, is her inability to actually make a decision. She does respond to suggestions, but if she feels you are trying to make decisions for her, she gets a little, hmmm, how do I say this....angry? The other day, after my treatment, I was on 55, headed south, and fully intended to stay on 55 and go right on by Herky, and go home. I was tired, and just wanted to be home. As I was coming down the highway, I called mom, just to check on her, make sure she was ok and not expecting me to stop by. She was fit to be tied! She was so angry with me, that she told me not to come by because she was too mad and upset. I tried to talk to her, asking her why she was so mad, what I had done, told her I had been at the hospital, I had not done anything. She said she got a phone call, but she didn't remember who it was from, but she told them she had not authorized this to be done, and she figured I had authorized it, since I am here, and I am the only one that could have authorized it, so it must be me, and she was upset that I had authorized something without talking to her about it!! I went down to the next exit, turned around and headed back to mom's. She answered the door, with a very angry look on her face. I tried to talk to her, tried to help her remember who called, what they said, anything!! She didn't know who it was, what they had said, just that she was mad! I finally just gave up, told her I was hungry, and was gonna fix something to eat. She said, in a tone, she was not hungry and not to fix her anything. I said, fine, but "later, when you get ready to eat, will you want soup or spaghetti?" She said, "probably soup, but I am not hungry right now Deb, don't fix me anything." Ok, mom. I just messed around in the kitchen for about 20 minutes or so, unloading the dishwasher, washing some dishes, and making the soup. When I got it done, I said, "mom, the soup is ready, are you ready for some now?" In her normal mom tone, she answered me, "Sure, soup sounds good." I set the table with 2 bowls, 2 glasses of tea, some crackers, and mom came in and we sat down to eat supper together like nothing had happened!! Then her neighbors came in, Lloyd and Ada. We had a nice visit with good conversation. When we were done, I cleaned up the mess, and when Lloyd and Ada got up to leave, so did I and we all walked out at the same time. Later that night, when I called mom to check on her before bedtime, I asked her if she had gotten any more phone calls. She said, "No, I don't think I have talked to anyone today on the phone but you. Did somebody say they called me?" I smiled, as I hung up. Successful "creative redirection" is a wonderful tool. For her to be sooo upset one minute, and within 15 minutes, not even remember it at all?? Amazing. Now, mind you, since then, I have brought it up a couple times. Like reminding her that I have talked to Life Alert people, or Meals on Wheels people. Reminding her that the Life Alert people are still calling often, and I keep putting them off, because she says she is not ready yet, she is not "that far down the road yet". Gently keeping that in her mind, I hope, so that she knows I am putting them off and they may go around me and call her, she will be aware that we are talking, and they are wanting us to make a decision. She will hopefully be aware, and therefore, not be mad and think I have authorized something that she didn't agree with. Just one part of the up and down roller coaster rides in my life. Last week, on Wednesday night, all my family went to the visitation for a very good friend of ours that died of a heart attack. He had just turned 50, like 2 weeks ago. On that Wednesday night, I am certain mom didn't eat supper, since neither I, nor Kelly was there to urge her to eat. She did eat lunch that day, just not supper. But nevertheless, that next morning was when she passed out, fell and hit her head, and I was once again taking her to the ER at St. Anthony's. And then, ended up taking her with me to my radiation appointment, since we were already in St. Louis, and I didn't have time to actually take her back home, then turn around and head back up to Barnes. Not to mention the gas and mileage!! This week, she had been great. Yes, she still has her up and down days, some days are better than others. And with all this rain we have been having, it is not conducive to her sitting out in her swing, watching the people come and go. So, yea, she has been cooped up in her house, and it shows. Her moods and her memory is definitely based on how tired she is, and how stressed she is. And when she can't get outside, and sit in her swing, she starts to think about winter, and being cooped up in the house all the time. She starts to repeat a lot more often, and says often, "the bible says to come before winter". But, today, the sun is shinning!! The beautiful fall colors are creating a beautiful display of God's handiwork. If we go up there for church tomorrow, I will take mom for a car ride and show her some of the colors!!

2009-10-03T15:04:00.002-05:00

Hey there folks! I know, I know, I have not written anything in soooo long. We had a wonderful time in Florida. We enjoyed seeing many of our old and dear friends that are also owners in the timeshare we go to every year. This year, however, we all seemed to enjoy each other more than last year. I don't know what was different, but this year, every night, we all sat out around the pool and hot tub and just enjoyed pleasant conversation until way after dark. We met knew friends this year as well. Our new friends we met this year, are not owners at the timeshare where we were, but they own somewhere else and just traded for the beach this year. We became instant "best friends", teehee. My new best friend, Alice, was a lot of fun, laughed a lot, and seemed to find fun in everything. She was 48 years old, and and "un-claimed blessing". We had lots in common, though. Seems she had spent the last 20 years of her life being a caregiver to a family member who had Alzheimer's Disease. Her mom has been gone now almost 2 years and she is beginning to get out and travel some with her Aunt and Uncle. She walked on the beach with my Ethan in the mornings and afternoons, as they looked for sand dollars. He showed her his "hot spot", and taught her what to look for. Ethan was the master sand dollar hunter. He found 14 whole sand dollars, and even found 2 live ones! I had never seen a live one, so that was pretty cool to see it motoring through the sand. We grilled out every other night, and enjoyed dinner by the pool. It is such a blessing to have such a wonderful place to spend your vacation every year. I know some don't agree with timeshares, but to us, part of the fun of the vacation is getting to see your friends every year, year after year. I especially enjoyed seeing mom fellowship with all of her friends that she has come to know and love for so many years. She seemed so totally relaxed and enjoying her time there. We have now been back two weeks, and life has regained it's fast pace, immersed in reality. We arrived home on Saturday, the 19th of September. Although we traveled together up I-55, Keith in front, and mom and I close behind, he got off at Exit 150, and mom and I had to continue on up the interstate to her home, another 45 minutes. After being in the car for 2 days, Keith was not about to drop off all the kids and then get back in the car and head up to get me that evening. So, I spent the night with mom, and we got up and went to church the next morning. My family met us there at church. After grabbing some lunch, and taking mom back home, my family followed us to her house, and I got in the car with them, and finally after two weeks, got to see my deck, my horses, my Yorkie, and my farm!! The sitting on the deck had to wait until I was given a tour of the room addition and all that had been done while I was gone. Lots of hard work had been accomplished, even without me there to supervise and manage! But like all vacations that end, reality came in way too fast and furious. Monday, I had a doctor's appointment with my radiologist to begin that path of 6 weeks, Monday through Friday, daily radiation treatments. On Monday, they had to re-mark me, because I had washed all of their markings off. They didn't give me any trouble at all. They didn't even ask what happened to them all! They just laid me down and went to work on putting them all back on. It was long and it hurt. By the time they were done marking me all up, they said, "you can relax your arms now". I said, "yea, right! I can't even feel my arms!" And trust me, to move them, brought tears to my eyes. And yes, I was sore for days after that. Tuesday, was a mock radiation day. What that means is, that they take me to the actual room where I will get radiation daily, and actually use the radiation machine to line me up with all the markings, and make sure everything is a go. Wednesday, was a long day, as it was my regularly scheduled Herceptin/chemo treatment that I still have to get every 21 days until March, 2010. So, that morning, at 9am, I was doing labs (blood work) on the 7th floor, then doctor appointment with my Oncologist, then Herceptin. When that was done, I went to the Lower level to the radiology department to receive my first actual radiation treatment. It was after 4 o'clock in the afternoon by the time I was walking to my car in the parking garage. Thursday, back up early, leaving my house by 9:00 am, stopping in to have coffee with my momma in her swing, then on up to Barnes for radiation. My new normal. Everyday, have coffee with my momma in the morning, then head up to radiation treatment. This past weekend, was homecoming at Festus High School, and my son was escorting his girlfriend. To make that easier on all concerned, Adam and I drove up Saturday morning, mowed mom's grass, and got the corsage picked up, and was able to spend some time with mom that afternoon before pictures at the park, and homecoming festivities. I ended up spending the night there, so that Adam could just come there that night, instead of driving back to Ste. Genevieve county late at night. Sunday morning, was church at FBC-Festus, then lunch, then back home to the farm. And you guessed it, Monday morning, back to my new normal routine of coffee with mom, then head up to Barnes for radiation. This week we messed around with the times a bit, trying to find a schedule that gives me more time at home. Monday, was my regular time slot of 11:40 a.m. Tuesday, I asked for a later in the afternoon slot, so they gave me 3:20 p.m. I then went home and stayed at mom's house, cutting 150 miles off of my commute, not to mention the gas cost, and the sleep time. Wednesday morning I had asked for an early time slot. I was given 7:40 a.m. So, I was leaving mom's by 6:30, and heading up the interstate along with all the other people who commute daily for their jobs. Then I had asked for another late afternoon time slot on Thursday, so that would make me feel like I had all day Wednesday and most all day Thursday. So, if I like this schedule, I can spend the night at mom's every Tuesday and Thursday night, thereby cutting mileage on the car, dollars spent on gas, wear and tear on me, and spend time with momma to boot. Let's face it. I don't like any of it, but since I have no choice, I am trying to make the best of it. Pray for me as I try and walk this leg of the path. It is harder than the previous path. And I say that, feeling a bit guilty as I type it. It is easier than chemo was, yes. But the whole package deal, of having to leave my home daily, to be gone from home so much, is really out of my comfort zone. I love my farm. I love my family, and I love my life on my farm. I wish I didn't have to do this, but I do. This is the path God has me on these days. Pray that I can continue to have a strong positive mental attitude, in the midst of this storm in my life.

2009-08-31T14:12:00.003-05:00

I made the decision to go by myself again today, to my doctor appointment with my radiologist. Keith needed to be on the job site today, and knowing that once I get to the radiology department, and they call my name, whoever goes with me would just end up sitting alone in the waiting room, I hesitate to ask anyone to go with me. I took my book to read, and signed in, but barely got half way through a chapter when they were calling my name. I followed the male technician back through the maze of hallways, until we finally arrived at the room. It contained a huge machine that looked alot like an MRI machine or CT machine. It was a huge donut looking machine, with a bed that passed back and forth through it. He gave me my instructions, then handed me a gown, and told me to knock on the door when I was ready. Hmm, I was pondering that part of the instructions, while I got undressed. How does one get "ready" for this? I don't think I am gonna be ready for this at all, so what does that mean? Do, I just hang up the gown, and exit the building?? Don't tempt me! I scream at the voices in my head, as they begin to urge me to run. But, after all the arguments about whether or not I actually need radiation, I have given it to God. Or at least I thought I had. If I really and truly had, why do I still not want to do this? Why am I still not "ready"? Why am I still having all these anxiety attacks? Oh well, I do as I am told, and after carefully folding my clothes, removing my ear rings, necklace and glasses, I dutifully knock on the door to signal that I am indeed...ready. This time, not only it is the same male technician, he is accompanied by two female nurses or technicians, whatever their titles are. They began to position me on the table/board correctly. They quickly tell me that the chemicals they have mixed in the huge trash bag will feel "quite warm, let us know if it is too warm". OOOOOKKKKKKKK. This is to form a mold around my body, so as to insure that every time I come for radiation treatments, I am indeed laying in the exact same position each and every time. Exact same position. I feel the bag begin to swell around me, and the three people assigned to me on that day, are working quickly and diligently to push and pull the bag to make sure it goes where it is supposed to go. Once it is done doing whatever it is supposed to be doing, they begin to cut away the un-needed "foam" that has oozed out of the bag. I am holding my arms up over my head, and it is beginning to get somewhat uncomfortable. To get a feeling for what I am going through, go lay on your dining room table, pretend like something you need badly is laying behind your head, about 3 feet, and try and reach it, without moving your body in any way. You are not allowed to turn your head to see if you are getting close to reaching it. You are just supposed to reach, keep reaching until your shoulders are backwards, pretty much, and stretched as far as they will go. Now, hold that position..........for an hour. To make that easier, they gave me two wooden dowels, at least that is what they felt like. No way, could I see what they were. Anyway, now grab onto the dowel rods, and that will "help you keep your arms in that position". Ok. No pain, no gain, right? After about 30 minutes, they began to ache and after taking the pain as long as I could, I asked them if I could put my arms down for just a few minutes. They said yes, but stood there, watching me, like....ok, can we get on with our job now? Ah, to be young again and be able to put my body in whatever position I want without my body rebelling and trying to remind me that I am not 18 anymore. I can smell the paint pens they are using to mark me up. I can't feel them. They are working on the mastectomy side, and on that side I have no feeling. It is quite weird to be able to see them leaning over me, with paint pens in hand, be able to smell the paint, but yet, not be able to feel anything they are doing. They begin to inform me that when I take a shower, I am to let the water hit me on the back, not the front, and try not to wash these marks and lines off. I will not be getting the tattoos today, because first, Dr. Taylor wants to take a look at all these markings, and if it is decided these are sufficient, then I will come back and get the tattoos. And, hmm, it says here on the chart you are going on vacation. I don't know where you are going, but you need to not get in the water, except up to your waist maybe. But try and stay out of the water. Yea, ok. I am going to Florida. I am going to be there two weeks. I have been through Hell this year, starting right after Thanksgiving last year. Lots and lots of mammograms, biopsies, scans, tests, chemotherapy, lost my hair, right side mastectomy, and now preparing for six weeks of radiation. While everyone else took their vacations to the beach, I was still doing treatments. Now, it is my turn, and you are telling me I can't get in the water? Not only that, you are marking me up with paint pens and not the permanent tatts that were discussed so I could enjoy Florida. Whatever. Finally, they announce we are done, and I did great. Whatever that means. They tell me to get dressed, then knock on the door, and they will come back in to go over the instructions and my next appointment. I try and get dressed with these things hanging from my shoulders that are numb and tingling. My shoulders are sore and aching, but I manage. I look in the mirror that is hanging there, and begin to tear up. The marks are up under my chin!! Like I can hide these bright blue lines! People are going to be staring at me wondering why I let a two year old make a road map with bright blue markers on my body! I went ahead and got dressed and knocked on the door. They come back in, and give me, again, instructions on how NOT to wash these paint pen markings off of my body. I listen, on the outside, but on the inside, I just wanted them to shut up and let me leave. Finally, they say we are done, and for me to have fun on my vacation. As I follow the nurse out, again, feeling a bit like a mouse in a maze, we finally make the final turn bringing us out into the waiting room. The crowd in front of the elevators was more than normal, so I turn and go out the back of the waiting room towards the elevators that only the regular cancer patients know about. Ah, there was only a lady pushing someone in a wheel chair, and me. I hold the door for them, then stand there and watch the door close. I was kinda in a zone. As soon as I realized I was supposed to be on that elevator, I reached out and pushed the up button again, and the doors opened, and I stepped on with the lady and the person in the wheelchair. She looked at me, and with amazing insight, said to me..."it does get better honey." I just started crying. I couldn't help myself, it was so crazy. Who was this stranger in the elevator that could just look at me and know she needed to say something encouraging? Am I that transparent? Did I look that bad? Or was it the blue lines all over my neck? Thank you Lord, for putting the angel in the elevator with me today, regardless what it was. As I stepped off the elevator on the third floor, I felt like my feet wanted to run as fast as I could to the parking garage. I did not want to make eye contact with anyone, I just wanted to run to my car and have a meltdown. I seriously needed a good cry today. The cry will have to wait for a more convenient time. I forced my feet to walk, one foot in front of the other, all the way to my car. I unlocked my car, put my bags in, and slowly wound my way down to street level and out into the sunshine. I cried off and on all the way to Herky. I cleaned up my face, and ran through the drive through, grabbed a salad, and went to Sapaugh's to get my oil changed and tires rotated. After all, I am leaving on vacation in 3 days. My husband will be joining me with the rest of my family a week later, and because he is working non-stop these days, I knew he would not have time to do this. He works days pouring concrete, then comes home and goes to the room addition and works there until past dark. He then comes in, eats supper, takes a shower and falls into bed. I know he is tired and working himself way too hard, but he is a man on a mission. I love that he is so compassionate. Thank you Lord, for giving me such a wonderful husband. I am going to go home, eat the supper my daughter has prepared, go and try and help my husband. Eventually, tonight, I may take a long hot shower, maybe cry while I am in there, and maybe, just maybe, wash all these blue lines off of my body. What will that do to the schedule? I have no idea. Maybe put it off another two weeks, if we have to do all that we did today, again. But I just don't know if I am up to explaining to my mom why I have these blue lines all over my neck and chest several times over the next two weeks. I don't know if I would be able to do that without crying, and if I were to break down and cry, I am sure that would upset my mom. And if my mom gets upset, then she gets more confused and begins repeating herself worse. So, I think I will just go wash these lines off, and take the next weeks off from cancer. Can I do that? Might as well, because after all, I am "pushy, domineering and severe". I get it honest. I get it from my mom, LOL!!

2009-08-24T16:57:00.002-05:00

It seems that my time for writing is getting less. Life is busy, and although we moved to this farm of 116 acres possibly believing the old myth that "life on the farm is kinda laid back", we have been enlightened! With all that is going on in my life these days, it just seems to be busy all the time. I do cherish the days that are less busy, the days that I actually get time to sit on my deck with my morning coffee and have my quiet time with God. I do have my time with God, daily, don't get me wrong, it is just that on some days it is not as quiet as on other days. But, I could not get through any of my days without my time with my God, my Lord, my Saviour. It is what gives me the strength to get through what is on my plate. It is now count down to when I leave to take my momma to her timeshare she has on Daytona Beach. We have been to all her doctor appointments that were made after her recent stay in the hospital. All these were "follow-up" appointments so they could see her and evaluate her before we leave for Florida. She has passed all their tests, and they have given her their blessings. As we left the neurologist's office Wednesday morning, she said, "well, I am now free to roam about the country!" She commented how much she liked this doctor, how he was funny and friendly, and how some doctors were so stiff it seemed they would break. But this one, she liked, and he was very friendly and "real". And he had commented on the difference between this Mrs. Adams and the other Mrs. Adams he had met back in the hospital. He liked this Mrs. Adams better and hoped to always see her this alert and coherent. He said, "if you promise to call me if any problems arise, I will go ahead and give you all the prescription renewals now, and we will not need to see you until say, February." Mom looked at him and said, "well, if I don't, she will!" We all laughed, and he gave us the scripts and we were done. But, being it was Wednesday morning, and here we were in St. Louis, gee, what could we find to do???? LOL! Mom spotted numerous yard sales on the way up there, but I had put her off because of the doctor appointment. Now, however, we were done, and it was just now 9 o'clock! So, yea, we stopped at several yard sales on the way home! Of course, as it usually is when shopping with mom, she finds all these things that I cannot live without, and just knows I need. And when we were finished, and I was out of spending money, my car was loaded. My seats were laid down, and stuff everywhere. What did mom buy? Hmm, a picture frame, a doll and a really pretty Christmas centerpiece. Wait, maybe a pair of shoes? Anyway, it was fun, and well worth the fifty cents I paid for that ugly shirt that nobody is gonna wear, LOL. We got back to mom's by 11 o'clock or so, and I fixed us some lunch. After resting in her chair, she was ready to go to her Bible Study at FBC-Festus. So, we got up and out the door we went again. I do enjoy that as well. Bro. Vittoe always does a very thought provoking study, and this month he has been doing James. And yes, I love that book of the Bible and always enjoy a good study on James. Once the study was over, we went back to mom's and after a little rest, and putting some supper together for mom, I headed out the door for home. Thursday morning, I got the call I had been waiting for from Joanie, my Mastectomy specialist. She had been looking for some mastectomy swimsuits for me. Here in Missouri, it is way past time for those to be out, and all the suits left are the ones that are picked over and sizes no one wears, teehee. But she was calling to say she had found 5 for me to choose from!! Woot Woot!! I got in my car and headed to F'ton. I tried all of them on and then ended up deciding on the first one I tried on! It's always like that, isn't it? But hey, I am now ready, officially, for the Florida trip. I do still have 2 more doctor appointments for me. This coming Wednesday, I have my Herceptin treatment. And August 31st, I have my radiation mark-ups and tatts. That is gonna be an all day appointment. She said they will lay me down, I will raise my arms to hold onto a bar, and they will pour plaster around me (??) and make a mold, so that every time I come in for radiation, I will have to put my arms inside that mold to be sure that I am in the exact same position every single time. And once they get me in that position, they will make marks on my body at different spots, and make them semi-permanent. I questioned that, and she said they will last for a year or two before beginning to fade away. Oh well, maybe I will get some others to add to the dots and put something that resembles Orion's Belt! LOL! Or the Big Dipper?? ok, the little dipper?? Anyway, life is fun these days. My continued prayer is that the Lord will continue to give me the peace that passes all understanding, because it is that peace that allows me to drink from whatever cup He sets before me. Life is full of hard choices, but what sets us apart is how we respond to the things in our lives. My daddy used to say, "you can sit all the cups on the table, but you cannot tell what is inside them, unless you shake their foundation, what they are sitting on. That is when what is inside, comes spilling out. That is when you can really tell what is inside someone." I have had my share of melt downs lately. I do hope that no one uses that to measure what is inside of my heart. Because daddy used to tell me too....no matter what your mouth says, the Lord knows what is truly inside your heart of hearts. And inside my heart of hearts, I want to please God in everything I say or do. So, when I fall short of that mark, the mark that everyone has for how a Christian should act, or talk, or dress, I do hope that I have not caused my Lord shame in my appearance or my actions. But when I do, and I know that I do, I apologize. I am weak. And when I let my emotions get the best of me, it is not pretty. We as adults are often confronted with hard choices. As adults, we cannot run away and hide, or say "I am not ready for this". I was not ready for my daddy to call me and tell me he was in St. Anthony's and they had diagnosed him with Leukemia. I was not ready to spend a year going back and forth to St. Louis University Hospital, or various doctor appointments associated with that diagnosis. I certainly was not ready for my daddy to leave us and go home and be with his Lord Jesus. I wasn't ready for my momma to be diagnosed with "Dementia, possibly of the Alzheimer's type". I was not ready for the diagnosis of Breast Cancer. I was not ready for chemo. I was not ready to lose my hair. I was not ready to lose my breast. This has not been an easy walk these past 3 years. But through it all, my Lord has been faithful and true. He has never failed to walk this walk with me, even when it was hard and it seemed I couldn't walk it. I have learned many things through this walk, and part of the learning has been painful. But when changes come to our life, sometimes it takes us out of our comfort zone, our "box". You never know what the Lord is trying to teach you through whatever it is He has put in your path. And, you never know who else is learning new things as well. God's ways are not our ways, and therefore, we do not always understand His methods of teaching. But if we are faithful to accept whatever He puts in our path, without grumbling and complaining, we might be surprised to find out that yes it is refining us, rubbing off the rough edges. He is indeed molding us and shaping us into what He needs us to be. We just need to allow that to happen. We can't go around blaming others. "If it weren't for this job, I could do this", "If it weren't for this spouse, I would be happy", "If it weren't for this illness, I could do this". Truth is, nothing touches us that God doesn't allow to touch us. So, if God allows it, why do we fight it so? Why do we regret it? Why do we wish it away? Gird up your loins, accept even the hard stuff, and do whatever God puts in your path, and do it in a way that would make God proud of you. He is your heavenly father. Yes, I hope I make Him smile from time to time.......

2009-08-09T18:21:00.004-05:00

Howdy folks! Man, I will be so glad when I get my brain back in full functioning capacity. This whole "chemo brain" thing is real. Lately, it has been brought to my attention that Keith's driver's license is expired! They expired on July 20th. So we spent yesterday, trying to get them renewed. In today's world, that requires 3 forms of I.D. 1) A State Issued Birth Certificate, 2) A Social Security Card, and 3)Proof of Residence, such as a piece of mail addressed to you. The "state issued birth certificate" is what proved to be harder than you might think. Since we have never needed that for any reason, we went to the health department prepared to pay the $15 fee in order to get one. The lady asked for his identification (driver's license and social security card). "Sir, we can't give you a birth certificate. There seems to be a discrepancy. On your driver's license and your social security card, your first name is spelled K-E-I-T-H. On this birth certificate it is spelled K-I-E-T-H." So, Keith asked her what that means exactly. She explains they will have to request some forms from Jefferson City that will enable him to fill those out, and get that corrected. Are you kidding me? For a typo?? Needless to say, we left there very frustrated. He calls his mom and dad to see if they have a copy of his birth certificate. They call us back, and yes, they have the original from the hospital, dated July 20, 1958 and the state issued one dated June, 1968. Apparently they had needed a "state issued one" for little league or something. Somewhere along the line, it was spelled wrong. Because on the original one from the hospital it is spelled correctly Keith! On all the doctor receipts in their folder, it is spelled Keith. But on the one they had gotten from the state (10 years later), yes, it was spelled Kieth, and no one had ever caught it, or questioned it! But in this post 911 country, this country now has new rules dictated by the Department of Home Land Security. And because of someone's stupid mistake, we now have to fill out "papers" so that can be corrected before they can issue Keith a birth certificate so that he can get his driver's license renewed. The lady suggested we go get some lunch, while she tried to get the appropriate forms from Jeff City, and she would call us and let us know what we needed to do. We left there, and we never got a call. And of course, life took over, and we didn't think about it again....until today. This morning, we got up early because I had a doctor's appointment. Today, I met with the radiologist to go over all the details of my upcoming radiation schedule. Before we left the house, Keith had already gotten several phone calls from contractors as well as from our son, Nick, who was on the job site, to fill Keith in on the problems that had arisen with the job they were currently on. After making several calls, he said we needed to leave now, as he had a few stops to make on the way. First stop, gas. Second stop, at the job site our son, Nick was on. Third stop, at mom's. Then, finally, on the way to the appointment. However, on the way, I was being secretary, and taking dictation from Keith, putting a break down of all the charges on a bill for a contractor he was supposed to meet with later today. Apparently, we have made the trip to the hospital enough times, that it has become routine, and "mindless". We were so involved with the figures and the billing, that neither of us even remember getting off of I-55, and onto I-44 West. When I finished up the bill, I looked up and said, "Uh, where are we? Because none of this looks familiar as the route to the hospital." The next sign we saw read "I-270 - 2 miles"!! We had been so zoned that we had driven right past our exit for Kingshighway! Seriously! We went on up to Bowles, and turned around, and got back onto I-44 east. About the time Keith was saying, no big deal, we still have time to make it to the hospital on time, we noticed a police car behind us, and yes, his lights were flashing! Here we go! We pulled over to the side, and waited for the policeman to come up and asked for his driver's license (knowing full well they were expired, and we were going to have some explaining to do!) He asked, and yes, Keith handed him the license. He walked back to his car. We waited. After a few minutes, here he came. "Sir, can you explain to me what the deal is with your driver's license? Because, it says on here they are expired, yet in the computer, it shows you have an extension until 2010!" Well, how about that! They did put it into the computer, even though they never called us back! So, Keith explained to him about the typo that never mattered, for 51 years, and now all of a sudden it was a big deal that required numerous forms to correct their mistake. He believed us, and yet, still issued a speeding ticket. Apparently, the speed limit at that particular part of the interstate is not 70 mph, it is 55! Again, we did not see the posted sign, and was driving with traffic. But, oh well, ignorance of the law is no excuse. So, needless to say, I was late to my radiology appointment. We had thought it was going to be a consultation, therefore, not that big of a deal. The appointment was for 9:30. We did not leave the hospital until 1:45!! She is very thorough. And not only that, the procedures and precautions and possible complications were explained by the resident doctor, then the "real" doctor. And yes, I had a clinical examination by the Resident, and then, yes, the Radiologist. After all was said and done, I signed the consent to treatment forms, and we were out of there starving and hunting for food. After tracking down the contractor we were supposed to meet with to deliver the bill that had caused us all the distraction this morning, we were heading south towards home. To say it has been a long day just some how doesn't seem to describe it properly. But, I am very grateful they are working with me and my schedule. My next appointment is scheduled for August 31st, Monday, to get my tattoos. Yep, that's what I said, tattoos! Stay tuned..........life just keeps getting interesting. As it stands now, tonight, I will be starting my 6 weeks of radiation on Monday, September 23rd. And that will mean many trips to Siteman Cancer Center, Monday through Friday, daily, for 6 weeks. But never fear, they say the side effects are "cumulative", so I won't notice any until I am "well into the radiation schedule". I feel so much better just knowing that!

2009-07-31T13:04:00.002-05:00

I need to start this out by apologizing to my sisters. I used this blog to "vent" my frustrations, and portrayed them in a bad light. I let Satan, who roams about seeking whom he can devour, have a victory. I am ashamed of my bad behaviour. My sisters love my mom every bit as much as me, and want only the best care possible for her, as do I. Although we have differing opinions on how that should be done, it should in no way hamper our relationship with each other, but more importantly, it should NOT hamper our relationship with our Lord. We are Christians, first and foremost, sisters in the Lord. I have shared that my prayer, in the past few weeks has been changed from "Lord please don't let this happen, or that happen", to "Lord, help me be content to drink from whatever cup you sit before me". I am weak, and in the stress of the past few days, I failed miserably. I have not acted Godly at all. I am sure I damaged my Christian witness. I am not making excuses for my behaviour. I accept the responsibility, and the accountability. I am accountable for my actions, and I am grateful when I am held accountable. It is a painful process when we are held accountable by other Christians, but the end result should always be restoration and reconciliation. That is my prayer, for myself, today. That I have not damaged the relationship far beyond their ability to forgive me. It is not enough to be held accountable. We, as Christians, must not look at that as an attack, but as someone trying to correct our very un-Christian like behaviour. It also is not enough to be called on the carpet, if we are unwilling to make the appropriate changes in our behaviour, so that others can see that there is not only repentance and remorse in our bad behaviour, there are changes in our behaviour. We do live in this world, and therefore, it is good to say, I have repented, and asked forgiveness from both the offended party, and my Lord, but it is also good that those that were a witness to that ungodly behaviour, see that change is being made. I am going to step up my game in that area. As my sister shared with me, some sin is easy to say no to. We are Christians, and it is easy for us to turn and walk away, and say, no way, not me, not ever to some sin. But there are other sins, those that "easily ensnare us", that we get sucked into in the blink of an eye. My daddy used to say, that our greatest weakness, is an unguarded strength. So, just about the time I begin to feel safe in my Christian walk, BAM, along comes bitterness and strife. I was not guarding that well enough. But once again, my focus has been restored, and I am asking you to join with me in prayer to once again, hold me up with your prayer support. Life is full of stress and pain. But misery, is optional. Please, pray that the relationships that were damaged will be not only restored, but this stressful time in my family will bring us closer together as a family so that we are able to work together as a team to help make my momma safe and comfortable. Please pray that our behaviour will bring honor to not only God, but to my momma, and my daddy's memory. This is a hard time, with hard decisions that have to be made. Hard for my momma to accept, and hard for me to watch her deal with the changes.

2009-07-26T08:18:00.005-05:00

I don't even know where to start. The past few days have been such a blur. But God is in control of every detail, and although it is hard to see it in the midst of "the storm", when you get a chance to breath, it is much easier to see how the hand of God was in it. I have shared before that my mom insists that she can still live alone. Whenever I approach the subject of "when the time comes", she insists she wants to stay in her own home until she doesn't know anything, or who she is, etc. I know God is in control, and that God has a plan and I don't need to know the plan, but you know, sometimes, we "control freaks" just want to know!! Oh well, I am trying to be patient and allow God to work His plan, and for me not to mess His plan up. Pray for me in that area?? Before I get started on momma's life, let me just say for those of you that are wondering, I finally got the call about whether or not I have to do radiation! My doctor was supposed to call me on Friday with the response and recommendation of the tumour board, but I got no such phone call. Yesterday, however, while I was sitting in the hallway of St. Anthony's hospital, waiting on mom's EEG test to be completed, my phone rang. It was the Nurse Coordinator that works with my Oncologist. It was about a 45 minute conversation, but the short of it is, they are going to recommend radiation. But, they did agree, that since I am receiving Herceptin on a regular basis, they will work around my travel plans in September! YAY!!!!! I told them, I don't even care anymore, I am not upset. I will be there with bells on in October. They did ask that I make an appointment to come in before we leave for Florida, to go ahead and do the preliminary mark-ups, and tattoos. I am feeling stronger every day, and gradually beginning to lose most of the fatigue and feel "normal". Anyway, moving on. Mom and I got back from Memphis on Wednesday afternoon. I spent the night at my house with my family, awaiting the arrival of my brother-in-law and the kiddos. Thursday I spent the day being fitted for a Mastectomy Bra and a prosthesis, which took over 2 hours, and getting groceries. Friday morning, I tried to figure out a way to do mom's car stuff from home. I called Hillsboro and tried to get her Personal Property Tax Receipt info, and they told me the license office could get it on line, no problem...check. I then called Sapaugh and asked if they would fax me the state inspection and emissions form, yes they would.....check. I called State Farm to see if they could fax me her proof of insurance, yes they could.....check. Then, the a slight problem arose. Her home owners insurance was due...TODAY! The last day of the grace period, had to be done today. Well, fiddle sticks, that required a trip to Herky. So, God worked it all out, despite my efforts to not go to Herky on Friday, I got in the car and went. I got there about 11ish, and mom was eating lunch. I sat with her while she finished her ham sandwich with a big slice of home grown tomato, LOL. When she was done, she put her face on, and we got in my car and headed towards the license office. I parked, we both walked in and she took a number. We sat there for approximately an hour, waiting for our number to be called. Once called, it was pretty quick, and we were out of there with renewed license plates. From there we went to State Farm, and got her Home Owner's Insurance renewed. From there we went to Keith's job site, picked up the checks he had and headed to the bank to get payroll. I left Mom in the car, with the AC, and ran in, got the payroll money, and was back out in less than 5 minutes. We ran it back out to Keith, and then headed to momma's house. Once there, we went inside, went potty, and I went outside to switch out the plates on her car. She came out and was sitting in her swing, while I was taking off the old plates, putting on the new plates. I was finishing up, putting tools away, when momma stood up and said, "Deb, I am getting hot, I am going in the house." I told her I was finished, and was right behind her. We walked into the house, momma sat down in the red chair. I turned to look at her to see why she sat there and didn't go to "her" chair. She was sitting there, with a blank stare. Her arms were stiff straight and her hands were curled up like fists. I started talking loudly to her, momma, are you alright? Momma! Talk to me! I said, "Momma, I am gonna call 911". She grunted real loud and began to shake and shiver. Her face was twitching like crazy. I kept talking to her, and she grunted her answers. So I knew she was "in there", she just couldn't talk to me. I got a cold rag, and wiped her head and she began to come out of it, and talk to me. "Debra Faye, I am fine, I just got over heated. I used to do this all the time when I was a child. I am fine." I was kneeling at her feet, crying, momma, please, either let me call 911, or lets get in the car and let me drive you to the ER, and get you checked out. That was not normal. She kept refusing, saying she was just over heated, and she was fine. After a few minutes and yes, I was convinced she was "back", I told her I needed something out of my car and walked outside. I went down to Ada's and just cried, asking her what I should do. She urged me to call Keith, and call mom's doctor, Dr. Willey. So I called Dr. Willey, told him what happened, and he said to call 911, and they would check her out, and if they decided to transport her, have them take her to St. Anthony's. I then called Keith, told him what happened, and he said he was on his way, and for me to call 911, now. I then called 911, sitting right there on Ada's couch. She gave me a much needed hug, and I ran out the door back to momma's. I stood in the driveway until the "army" began to arrive. Within seconds, the Herky police rolled up, with lights going. He walked up to me, and followed me into the house. Momma said, "Debra Faye, what are we doing? Is he coming to arrest me?" She laughed and began to "put on the show" to convince him she was ok. Then, of course, here came paramedics, ambulance, and the fire department. And yes, all with lights and sirens. We had the neighborhood rockin'! And all the neighbors out in their yards I am sure. Anyway, the paramedics checked her out, then the ambulance crew checked her out again. Her blood pressure was low, and her heart rate was high. They decided she was dehydrated, and gave me instructions to pour the fluids into her. She opted not to be transported, and signed the appropriate papers. They all cleared out of momma's living room, and left Keith and I sitting there with momma. I went into the kitchen to get her some more water or orange juice, I don't remember at this point, but I went into the kitchen for something. Momma started to get up and follow me in there, and we stopped her and told her to sit back down, we would get whatever she needed. She sat back down, and I got her some more to drink. When I was bringing it back, I looked at her and she was doing it again. Only this time it didn't last as long, and didn't seem as bad. But, Keith saw it this time, not just me. She came out of it, and said, "what, I did it again?" I said, "yes, you did momma. It wasn't as bad, didn't last as long, but yes." Since it didn't last as long and wasn't as bad, we thought, ok, more fluids, apparently that is working. Keith sat with her while I ran to Shop N Save, the closest grocery store to momma, and got some Gatorade, and some other grocery items (mostly fruit). When I got back, I fixed us all something to eat, because by this time, it was like 5 or 5:30. Keith declined, said he was going to head to the farm. Mom and I ate a Caesar salad, with some sliced tomatoes and cucumbers on the side. Mom ate good, and drank some more Gatorade. We watched some TV until bed time, and mom found me a sleep shirt and a toothbrush, we went to bed. I can't say I slept well, but mom did. I kept running all the events of the last few days through my mind and my mind would not shut down. Saturday, I put my momma in the car and drove her to St. Anthony's hospital. All the way, momma kept saying, Deb, we don't have an appointment, why are we going now. I said, momma, we will go in through the Emergency Room, we don't need an appointment. She kept saying, what day is this, is this not Saturday? I said, yes, it is mom. She said, there is not going to be anyone there until Monday. I said, yes, mom there are always doctors at the hospital. She said, you know what I mean. I said, yes, I do, we need to do this. She said can't we wait until Monday? Nope, we are doing it today. I pulled up to the door of ER, momma got out and went in. I parked the car, and then joined her at the front desk. She had already given them her name and insurance card. I explained to them what happened and how we needed her to be checked out to see why this happened. They did look at me funny when I told them the seizures were yesterday (Friday) and this was Saturday. They got us moved through the system, and before you knew it, we were back in a room in the ER. Memories. That is where we took daddy, back in December 2007. And yes, momma kept repeating that as well. Momma asked me to call Bennie, so she could start the prayer chain. I did that, and allowed her to talk to Bennie. When we first got there, she was alert enough to tell them why we were there. It wasn't very long, and she was showing signs of confusion. The memories of daddy, and ER, and St. Anthony's hospital, and "this is where your daddy died", began to take over. Repeating the events that led up to that day, over and over. Her short term memory may be bad, but her memory of history is clear. And when she gets rattled, she repeats over and over the past events that she remembers. I can't even begin to tell you how hard that was, not to mention emotional for me. My mom is NOT a doctor person, and once we got there, we spent a lot of time doing what you do in hospitals on weekends...."hurry up and wait". And I had to continually remind her why we were there, why we couldn't leave and come back on Monday, why we needed to stay and find out what was wrong. They did an EKG, which showed that yes, a seizure had occurred. At some point, I don't remember when, they came in and told us they were going to keep her, until she could be seen by the Neurologist. Some time around 5:30, my daughter Kelly showed up, and she offered to go get us some food. We had not eaten for hours!! Kell went across the street to St. Louis Bread Co. to get us some soup and salad. Yummmmm! Kelly stayed with us until they came in to say they had found her a room. Momma had been saying whatever they do, I hope they don't put me on the 7th floor. Kelly was there, when they came into the room to tell momma, they had found her a room........on the 7th floor. Momma teared up. About a half hour or so, they came to move us, and Kelly picked up her stuff to go home. She said she needed to go let Jen's dog out anyway. Sometime around 7:30 or so, they came and moved us from ER to the 7th floor. We had not been in the room very long, when Jen and Cole came in. They visited for about an hour before they left. I don't think we ever turned on the TV. We both just did our "bedtime routine", and turned out the lights. I barely had the lights turned out, when my phone lit up with a text. It was my friend, Susan Vaughn, texting me that she was in the ER with Naomi. I picked up my phone, and slipped out quietly to go downstairs and visit with her. I sat there and talked with Susan until about midnight. I then went upstairs, got in my recliner, pulled up the covers, and tried to go to sleep. I couldn't sleep. Mom was sleeping soundly in her hospital bed. However, my mind would not shut down. I was running all the events of the past few days through my mind. Momma driving to my house by herself. Our trip to Memphis to visit our dear friend, Janice Dugger, and to get mom's hair cut and permed. My brother-in-law and nieces and nephews all being at my house, with just my husband and my kiddos. Two men with 14 children, and no mom! My Thursday fitting for the mastectomy bra and prosthesis. The seizures, the 911 call, BLAH!!! It was just crazy spinning. I talked with the Lord for a long time, only it seemed more like screaming and crying than talking. Before I knew it, morning was here, and they were bringing in mom's breakfast tray. I left and went to get me some breakfast and to find some coffee somewhere. When I returned, they were telling mom that she would be going for her MRI of the brain in a few minutes. I walked down the hall and waited outside in the hallway for mom as she endured the 45 minute test. We then went back to the room. The rest of the day was full of company. Word had spread, and mom was getting phone calls and visitors. Her Sunday School teacher called first thing, even before the MRI. The Hargis's came after church, then the Southard's, then Bro. Imhoff, then Nick and Jess and Ruger (my son and daughter-in-law and grandson). Somewhere in all this, the "lady" Neurologist came in. She explained that mom had moved into a different stage of Alzheimer's, and she was no longer considered "early stages". She also informed mom that she could not drive for 6 months. She then said they were going to order one more test, and a meeting with her partner in the morning. What that meant, was another night in the hospital!! Monday morning, mom's Primary Care Physician came in, Dr. Willey himself. The last time either one of us actually saw him, he was explaining to us that he was going to execute daddy's last wishes as far as his health care directive, meaning, unhooking him and taking off his oxygen mask. Yea, again, memories flooding over me. Same hospital, same floor, same doctor.....blah. Anyway, he went over all the suggestions for mom as far as her immediate care, her long term care, etc. This is long enough, so I think I will save all those details for another day. Right now, I am at peace with all the decisions that are being made for mom, and I know God is in control. In the midst of all this madness this weekend, my doctor's office called and informed me that yes, they are going to recommend radiation. They do agree to go along with my travel plans in September, and not start until October. So, if I didn't have enough on my plate, stuff just keeps getting added. But, I changed my prayer a long time ago, from "please don't let me have to do radiation, to Lord, just help me be ok, with whatever cup you sit before me. I trust the Lord. He loves me, and I know He wants the best for me. Whatever Lord, whatever. I'm ok. I truly am. I am feeling stronger everyday, I am. Thanks for all your prayers.

2009-07-23T17:18:00.002-05:00

Can you believe it is the end of July already? This year has just been flying by. Let me remind you how my year has gone. On New Year's Eve, I had my first chemo treatment. While the rest of the world was celebrating the end of 2008 and the beginning of 2009, I was laying in a recliner trying to deal with the fact that I was about to begin a very long and very emotional trip down the path of cancer. Every time I cried, every tear I shed, was always more about the familiar road I was on, than the actual fact that I had cancer. The terminology used, the drugs used, the type of doctors, the infusion room, having a port installed, etc. All of it was way too familiar and way too painful to remember. And to top it off, I could not share it with my mom, because it was worse for her! It brought back way too many oh so painful memories. Here she was trying to put that behind her, and BAM! It was here again, only this time, in me. No, I didn't ask her to ever go with me to the hospital, or doctor appointments, or even let her know when I was going. I didn't want her to worry, or even think about me at all in terms of cancer. When I finally did tell her, she went into a tail spin and cried for several days. She didn't get dressed or put on make-up at all. She just cried, sobbed, for days. Her sweet neighbor went over to try and console her and reassure her that I was going to be alright, that Breast Cancer was NOT Leukemia, and that Deb was going to be ok. None of that seemed to work. As soon as I was able to get up off my bed, talk with a clear strong voice, I drove up to my mom's and sat in the recliner with her and watched TV with her. That was all it took for her to realize I was not "dying" with Breast Cancer. Still to this day, we do not talk about it much, unless she brings it up. But occasionally, on her good days, she does ask me about it, how it's going, where I am in my treatment plan, what I have left to do, etc. She even watched my younger girls while I was in the hospital getting my mastectomy! Although, I have been told that she told some people that I was "getting some female procedure done". But, on her good days, we laugh about it, and she tells me how I can just "get a padded bra". When she asks, I will share. I don't bring it up. But yes, I have told her all the good news as well. I told her when they could no longer feel the lumps by physical examination. I told her that after the mastectomy, they got clear margins, and found no evidence of cancer in my lymph nodes. She just said, "did you tell them they were just earthly physicians and you know the Great Physician?" I laughed and told her, "yes I did mom! I told you all along, this was not Leukemia, and that I would dance at my Grandson's wedding!" We have not taken a road trip in a while, and I noticed that mom was getting restless, and her hair was getting long, and her perm was all but gone. So, yep, I called her friend in Memphis and said, you up for company? She said, "Ya'll come!!" I said, you know the drill! You have to call my momma and invite her, then I will drive her down there! She laughed and said, I'll call you back! About an hour later, she called and said, I talked to your momma, she was in the swing eating her ice cream, and said she didn't have anything to write with to remind herself to tell Deb, so she gave me permission to call her chauffeur. We planned the trip for the next Tuesday and Wednesday. We were cutting mom's grass on Friday, and we talked about the trip. I called her Saturday morning, Saturday night, Sunday morning, Sunday night, Monday morning and Monday night. Every time, we discussed the plans for the trip to Memphis. Monday was my husband's birthday, so I decided not to drive up there and spend the night with her on Monday night. The plans were, I would be at her house on Tuesday morning at 9am. I got up on Tuesday morning, put some things in a bag, put the bag in my car, and headed towards mom's about 7am. As I rounded the curve, on my gravel road, I noticed a car coming towards me, which, on my road, at 7am is uncommon! As it got closer, I noticed it was a really nice car. As it got closer, I noticed it was a Cadillac. As it got closer, I noticed it was MOMMA!!! I stopped, and momma rolled down her window. I said, "Woman! What are you doing here?" She said, what was the plan? I said, I was supposed to meet you at your house! She said, oh well, I am here. So, she drove on to the house, and I turned around and went back to the house. I got my bags out of my car, put them in hers, and down the driveway we went. We stopped in Cape, went to Sam's, mom got some bananas and I got me a belated birthday present. We didn't have any money to spare in May, so I waited. I got me one of those GPS thingys! It's a cheap one, but it does the trick! I had forgotten to print out the directions to Janice's, and I didn't want to rely on my memory. Although, I must say, I could have done it! All the way down there, I was way ahead of the "voice from the box" on my turns, exits, and what have you. When we got to Janice's, her daughter Johnna was there and it was so good to get to see her and visit with her, while momma was getting her hair cut and permed. Janice is a beautician, and she has her shop in a little room off of her garage. After the cut and perm, we went into the house, and Janice had supper in the oven. Her husband, John Earl, was not home, so it was just us girls. We watched some of daddy's DVD's that I had in my laptop bag! We got some good preaching and teaching from the best preacher teacher I have ever heard in my life! That's just my opinion of course, but I have heard my fair share of preachers in my lifetime! I feel I can make an adequate assessment! I enjoyed seeing that tall skinny man, that healthy man, preach with energy! Momma enjoyed pointing out all the people in the choir, all the people in the pews, how the church was packed! How the choir was full and they were wearing choir robes!! Janice was making comments about how everything we were hearing was so very relevant today. We listened to a sermon on unity in the church! We listened to a sermon on being a "real" Christian not a Carnal Christian. We listened to a sermon on being a serious Christian, a set apart Christian, a sober Christian. Yes, three points and a closing!! Good stuff, I don't mind telling you. That man, Dr. Richard Adams, can preach!! I miss him soooooo much. Anyway, I digress.... We sat up and talked, laughed, cried, had a wonderful time. We discussed many serious issues and problems in the world today, LOL, and did our best to solve them! I don't even remember what time we finally went to bed. I do, however, know that I heard Janice laugh downstairs around 6:45 am!! I got up, got dressed, and checked momma's room, and yep, she was gone, and the bed was made. I went downstairs, and joined them two ladies on Janice's back porch, where we drank coffee and laughed and told stories some more. Such sweet memories I will forever treasure. Seeing my momma laugh so much is a priceless memory I am so grateful and blessed to share. After we ate our breakfast, we got our bags loaded in the car around 8:30. As we were standing there saying our goodbyes, Janice noticed momma's license plates were expired!! "Debra Faye! Are your momma's plates expired?" I looked at them, and sure enough, there were the stickers that said APR 09. Bejeebers!! Are you kidding me? Her plates have been expired since April? Clearly, I was not on top of my game in April! Every month, I help momma do her bills, and yes, we have kept up with them all, and kept them all current. But, I don't remember seeing the reminder card come in the mail, and to tell you the truth, didn't look for it. When I would come to her house, I just look for all the "normal" bills, like electric, phone, water, and satellite. I did not look for the reminder post card to renew her plates! So, after having a good laugh about how many places that car has been since April, on expired plates, we said our goodbyes, and momma and I were rolling up the road towards home. About Cape, I called Sapaugh's and made an appointment to get her car inspected and emissions tested. According to my GPS, we were going to be in Herky by 2pm. I convinced momma that it would only take 20 minutes or so, and needed to go ahead and get it done while I was there. Then I could take the paper work, along with her personal property tax receipt and insurance card, and didn't need her car to get her license plates renewed. I could do that for her, and bring her stickers back on Friday, when we come to mow her grass. Yea, well, that was my plan. Her car didn't pass inspection, due to ball joints had some play in them, and yes, warranty covered it, and they went ahead and replaced them. Two and a half hours later, we were leaving Sapaugh's with the needed paperwork. To say momma was "fit to be tied", is putting it mildly. She went to that window more than once and questioned them about what they were doing to her car. Once she even said, "if you have not started on it, bring it around, I am ready to leave!" I mean, you gotta remember, we had been in the car all day, we had left Memphis, or actually Collierville, at 9 o'clock that morning! It was 4:30 when we finally pulled into mom's garage! Keith was waiting for me, and because it was so late, I didn't go inside to find the personal property tax receipt, or insurance card, or do anything I had planned to do when we returned. I had also planned to take her to State Farm, because her Home Owner's insurance is due, and actually slightly late. We are still in the grace period, it has not cancelled yet!! Momma had said, she would take care of it, and did not want to do it, when we were writing out all the other bills, she still had time. So, I let it slide. That is what we are going to do tomorrow! Tomorrow will be a full day. We will mow her grass, re-fill her bird feeders, renew her license plates, and renew her home owner's insurance. Anyway, today, that is the plan. We will see in the morning. I do have my sister's family here from Chicago. Bryan and six of the kiddos came in last nite. Lois did not come. Lois has not been here at all this year. She works full time as a church secretary, for the church that has a Christian school. It is the school where her kids attend, and because she works there, it allows them a significant discount on the fees to attend there. They just got back from family vacation to California for two weeks, and she is about to take off more days to take her daughter Sarah Bean to California to get her settled into college. But, Bryan is able to work from home, so to speak, so he brought the kids to the farm to play and visit with their cousins, before school and all its activities get started back up in full swing. The kiddos are sooooo excited to be together. They came down this morning, for breakfast, and it wasn't long after that, they were asking if they could go swimming! It was 9 o'clock in the morning! LOL! I don't care!! So, I figure they will all sleep soundly tonight! I did have an appointment today, with the Mastectomy Specialist in Farmington. She took the appropriate measurements, and fitted me with one bra and one prosthesis to bring home today, and ordered another 2 that will be in next week. That was an experience. It wasn't as emotional as I thought it would be. I guess, I am getting used to the fact that I can't have modesty anymore. Everyone and their "sister" has looked at me, poked around on me, measured me, etc. I will be so glad when I have my life back. On the up side, though, we are down to six weeks until we leave for Florida!! Today, is the day the Tumor Board is meeting to discuss my case, and whether or not they will recommend radiation. Karen, the Nurse Coordinator for my Oncologist, called today to reconfirm my appointment schedule for August and September, and said she would call me tomorrow, as soon as she knows something. I will let everyone know, as soon as I know! I hope I don't have to throw a temper tantrum, but I have told them, if you recommend radiation, fine, I will be there with bells on.........in October! But please, give me September, give me Florida, give me Daytona Beach! I am praying hard. Hopefully, this will all work out. Momma is looking forward to Florida, and so am I. And after the year I have had.....I NEED FLORIDA!! Keith is grilling tonight, and the smell is about to get the best of me, so I need to get off of here and eat!! Pray hard folks, that I am ok and content with whatever God's plan for me turns out to be. I know what I want it to be. God knows what I want it to be. But, God also knows, that what I really want, in my "heart of hearts" is whatever HE wants for me. I trust HIM. I know He loves me, and I know that HIS plan is the best plan. God's got this. Whatever, Lord, whatever. Let that be my prayer. Let that be your prayer!!

2009-07-16T13:36:00.002-05:00

Finally, I am able to get on. First off, let me apologize to those of you that I sent an email too. I wasn't able to get online for some reason, so I sent out an email to some giving them an update on my condition and goings on with my cancer and my health. To those of you that got that email, this will be somewhat repetitive.

I had my right modified mastectomy on June 26th. Tomorrow, that will be 3 weeks. I am still somewhat limited in what I can do with my right arm. I have not yet gotten my range of motion back yet. The feelings that I have are kind of weird, and hard to explain. The weirdest feeling is when I drink something cold, I can actually feel it going down!! Yea, and the feeling is like someone is pouring cold water down my shirt!! It takes my breath away every time! I have read on-line it is still happening to those that are 6 months post mastectomy, and they are saying "you get used to it". Yea, whatever! The first 13 days I had these drains coming from my body that I had to empty twice a day of the drainage from the wound from "inside" my body. So, they were basically bottles of blood that needed to be emptied. I had to keep track of the drainage and when they got down to 30 cc's in a 24 hour period, I could call the doctor and come up and they would pull them out. They hurt and they were awkward. It was very hard to find any kind of clothes that would cover them, and not look really really weird to the outside world, like I was concealing something under there, teehee, or at least trying to. I was taking the pain pills they gave me, because, well, for the most part, I needed them! I have not had such on going pain in my life. I have birthed 10 babies, and 6 of them at home, without medication of any kind!! Nothing like this pain. But, I am getting used to that as well. I am able to function and do my day to day activities, just take lots of breaks in between. I am not staying on top of the house cleaning functions as well as I need to be, I am sure. But, that stuff can wait. Right now, my house is being cleaned by a team of children, Ha! They don't do a bad job, just not as good as adults. So, keep that in mind when you come to my house. We had a full weekend this past weekend. I went up and had the drains pulled last Wednesday morning. I took 2 Vicodin to prepare myself for that. I didn't feel a thing, LOL! I had my daughter Katy (18) and her friend, Jessica (almost 18) drive me up to the hospital. After it was over, we stopped and had a nice late lunch at a Pasta House on the way home. It was fun to have lunch with the young girls for a change!! Teehee. That evening, we learned that a dear old friend of ours, Erma Peters had gone to be with the Lord. She was very dear to our family, so we made plans to go to the visitation and the funeral. On Thursday, the kids and I went up and mowed mom's grass. The kids mow, I sit in the swing with mom. Calm down, don't get alarmed!! I know my limits! It was good to spend some time chatting with mom. I miss her when I don't get to just chat with her in her swing. That is usually when she opens up and really talks about what's bothering her or what is going on in her mind. Anyway, Friday we were back up in Festus, the whole family. First we went by to visit with Keith's dad, since it was his birthday and he was turning, hope you don't mind me telling, Fred.....he turned 82!! He is still very active and continues to amaze us all! I hope I am as healthy as Fred and Jean at that age! They are remarkable. We enjoyed a nice visit with them, then we left there to go to Vineyard's Funeral home to spend the rest of the evening there with our friends Bill and Janet Peters. It was Bill's mom that went to be the Jesus. She looked beautiful. And she went the way we all want to go if we were to be given a choice. She laid out her clothes for church Wednesday night across the bed. She then went in and laid down on the couch, to take a nap, and woke up in the presence of Jesus. Perfect. She was not sick, just spending her days like she spends every day. We were there with Bill and Janet until the last visitor left, and we helped them pick up the pictures and walked out to the cars with them. We then came home and went to bed. The next morning, I got up and Jessy and I went to Wal-Mart to try and find some of those sports bras that I had been told I could wear without pain. I bought a couple, and we came home to get ready to head back up to Festus for the funeral, which was at 2pm. I called mom to see if she wanted us to pick her up, but she said she would meet us there. Sure enough she was there first! We walked in, greeted many people, and found our place beside mom. It was a beautiful service. They had a choir, and we sang many hymns. Mrs. Erma was a member of the choir for many years. It was neat to see them honor her in that way. As soon as the service was over, I slipped out to go to a surprise birthday party of my best friend, Susan Vaughn. I was to ride with her mom, Lequeta, so I left Keith sitting there beside mom, and slipped out as they began to go row by row to allow people to leave. I arrived at the Blue Owl Restaurant in Kimmswick in plenty of time for us to find our seats in the back room, before Susan got there and we were able to surprise her! It was fun! Keith ended up doing the full funeral thing, and went to the grave side service, and then back to the church to hang out with his buddy. Bill has been a long time family friend, and is also one of Keith's hunting buddies that comes down to our farm and hunts from the hunting cabin. They are very close, as are all of those boys. They had a good time sitting and chatting over memories of mission trips with their mom and daddy back when we all had campers and went on all those mission trips. Those were some good memories. Sunday morning, we got up and all went to church. By the time I got home from church on Sunday I began to drag a little, and spent the day on the couch, watching tv with the family. Monday I was still feeling a little more tired than usual. Tuesday morning I woke up with a really really bad headache. I tried to drink some coffee, thinking it was just needing some caffeine. That came right back up. OK, hmmm, tried to drink some juice, some water, nothing stayed down. I tried to take some of the pain meds, again, same result. I could not keep anything down. I ended up just laying down and trying to go back to sleep. I did sleep off and on all day Tuesday. Every time I awakened, the kids were trying to bring me something to eat or drink. And offering to call dad. I kept telling them there was nothing daddy could do that they were not doing, so let dad get some work done. My two older daughters called, and I told Kassy to tell them i would call them back when I felt better. After a couple times of that message, Kassy filled them in on what was really going on with mom. Thanks Kassy.....the informant. Anyway, one of them called Keith, filled him in, and yea, I was busted. He came home, and tried to do the same things the kids had been doing. Trying to get me to eat something, drink something, sit up, anything. I was as weak as a kitten, couldn't open my eyes, or talk. I did reassure him that we were going to the docs in the morning, lets just wait and go in the morning. If we go up now, we go to ER and different docs, lots of explaining, lets just wait....my docs, know what is going on. Let's wait. FINE! So, the next morning, I get up and after several attempts, and several "bucket" episodes, I was able to get in the car. We headed straight for the hospital. It didn't take long for them to get a clear picture of how I was doing. They sent me straight over to the transfusion room, I heard my doctor telling them to give me a bag of fluids, and put some anti-nausea in it, and lets get her up and feeling better. We have lots to discuss, and she is in no condition to have a conversation! I was thinking, my head hurts so bad, that nothing in your little bag of fluids is gonna touch it! But, by George, it did! By the time the bags were finished, I felt 100% better! We went back over, had our discussion with the docs and then we were leaving the hospital by 4pm. We had arrived there by 9am, so yea, it was a full day. A long day for my husband. But the good news is, the pathology was good. They found no cancer in my lymph nodes, and very tiny spot in my breast that was removed. So, they say I had a dramatic response to the chemo therapy treatments. They are still discussing radiation. Apparently no one person, no one doctor wants to make this call, because I am a "complicated" patient?? Because I signed up for the study, the chemo has removed all the cancer that was there, and therefore, deciding if I need radiation is a complicated situation. Anyway, they again, are taking my case to the tumor board to discuss it again. I told them, I would do whatever they decided to do, just let me know. But yes, I feel better knowing that it is being discussed and not just routine. I did ask them if they come back with a recommendation of radiation, could we start it in October? They said they would present that request to the tumor board as well. So, after asking all to pray for an answer by July 15th, here I am again, saying, please keep praying, because they still don't know what to do about me. I do have to admit, that this particular part of the path has been harder than everything so far. It has proven at times, to be hard enough to make me cry. I am a pretty tough cookie, and have a very high tolerance for pain, but this, well, it has gotten the best of me at times. And throw this into the mix of my life, well, it makes everything difficult. When I went to do my morning call to my mom on Monday morning, her line was busy. An hour later, busy. Two hours later still busy!! By that time I had decided her phone was out of order. I called her neighbor, and asked about the storm that went through on Sunday. She said her phone was fine, and couldn't imagine it knocking out mom's, but she would walk over and check it out for me. Thank you Ada!! She did walk over, and yes, mom's phone was out of order. But she did tell her (remind her) about her senior luncheon at FBC Festus. She said, mom was walking out the door when she left. I called the phone company, and they couldn't promise me it would be fixed before Wednesday, July 15 between the hours of 8am and 7pm!!! GRRRRRR! I told them that was not acceptable at all! My mom lived alone, and that was my only contact with her! They promised to put an "expedite order" on it, and that was the best they could do. But due to the recent storms, they had an overlog of orders. Ya think?? Anyway, I tried to call her Monday night, busy. I called her Tuesday morning, busy. I don't remember anything else about the rest of Tuesday, sorry. Wednesday morning, while sitting in the waiting room for my treatments, I called her, and she answered!! Praise the Lord!!! I reminded her it was Wednesday, and she had Bible Study today! She said, well, I had better get up and get out of here, I have 12:45, what time do you have? I said, that's what I have mom! Short conversation, but wow, it felt good to talk to my momma. And yes, I called her again last nite. We do have our routines don't we? I need to talk to my momma every day, twice a day. Please continue to pray for my cancer walk, as well as my momma. And, there are a couple of "unspoken requests" in my heart as well. I cannot talk of them here, but God knows what they are, and if you could just pray some strong, mountain moving prayers that way, I know it would help. Thanks..........

2009-06-25T12:16:00.002-05:00

Praise God from whom all blessings flow! I am scheduled for a single mastectomy in the morning. As some of you know, I have been involved in many discussions with my surgeons regarding reconstruction, and the timing of reconstruction. I have met with the plastic surgeon, the mastectomy surgeon, and the oncology surgeon. They all have differing opinions because of their different expertise and concerns. My oncologist said, "I am on a time clock, I am dealing with cancer. They are not, they are sculptors, basically. I would prefer to deal with the cancer first, let your body heal, then somewhere down the road, you can make these decisions regarding what type of reconstruction and when to have the reconstruction. So, that is what I have been going with. I even put it in writing, no immediate re-construction, in an email to my oncologist, and asked them to forward it to the other two surgeons, since I did not have their email. Apparently, that didn't happen. This morning, Dr. Gillanders' office called to confirm my surgery for tomorrow, and to go over instructions again (nothing to eat after midnight, be here at 6 am in the morning, etc.). When she got to the part about "Do you have any questions?". Again, I questioned her about the expanders, and tell me again why I need those put in now, at the same time as the mastectomy. She said, "Aren't you having immediate reconstruction?" Uh, noooo. I told Dr. Tung that I wanted a DIEP Flap, later down the road, after my body healed from the mastectomy and lymph node intrusions. And that I had also shared with Dr. Tung, that I did not ever want implants of any kind. He had examined me, and confirmed that yes, I was a candidate for a FLAP reconstruction. But that he was uneasy about the radiation. So, I told him then, the decision was not to be made until we knew about radiation. He agreed, or so I thought. I asked her what the report said. She said, it says here, immediate reconstruction with expanders. I asked her, are the expanders to keep my skin stretched in case I have to have 6 weeks of radiation? She said, well, not really. The expanders have more to do with your reconstruction, but if you are not having implants, then you are right, you don't need expanders. I said, well, I know I don't know all there is to know about all this, but I have not had a peace about the expanders at all. But nobody was listening to me. So, I finally just gave up, and kept walking the path they wanted me to walk. But yes, emotionally, still a wreck. Why could I not get a peace about all this? I kept reading and studying, trying to figure it all out on my own. Trying to figure out why I needed expanders if I did not intend to have implants. Everything I read supported my idea that I did not need them, unless I was going to have them filled on a regular basis, stretching my skin over a period of time, then when the skin is stretched appropriately, the expanders are then exchanged for implants. The bottom line is, after today's conversations with Gillander's office and Dr. Tung's office, I was told that Dr. Tung's part of it will be cancelled, and we would just do the mastectomy. NO EXPANDERS!!!!! PRAISE THE LORD!!!!! I told her, "Nothing like changing everything at the last minute", she said, "oh it happens a lot more than you think. Don't worry about it. I am glad we finally got it straightened out." Sing it with me, praise ye the Lord, hallelujah, praise ye the Lord, hallelujah, praise ye the Lord, hallelujah, praaaissseeee ye the Lord!!!! I know, that you may not be feeling as elated as me, but seriously, this is a huge thing. A mastectomy is major surgery, complete with anesthesia. I have had to go do pre-testing to test my heart, to see if it could handle the "stress" that comes with surgery. I have had numerous MUGA tests, which is where they inject dye into me, then watch and take pictures of it as my heart pumps it through me. They will be injecting dye into me to see how it travels through my lymph nodes, and which lymph node it goes to first. Because of the surgery and the lymph node involvement, I am being told that I will not be able to pick up anything heavier than 1 lb, for at least a week. LOL! That rules out my purse and my laptop!! Oh well, moving on.

It seems that when we as Christians have to walk through troubled waters, it never fails, that someone is going to question God's plan for having us go through them. I have been through my share of troubled waters, trust me. I had my first miscarriage between my first child and second child. That was an ordeal by itself. I was admitted to the hospital for a D&C, but yet, they refused to do one, as it was not easily determined that I had a "clinical abortion", which is what the hospital notes were saying. Apparently, my body was still producing whatever it needed to produce to show positive on all the pregnancy tests they were running, so despite the fact that I had been bleeding heavily, for 5 days, they were saying I was still pregnant, and therefore could not perform a D&C. It had something to do with the fetal pole, which was still being seen on imaging equipment. Anyway, after more than 5 days in the hospital, bleeding heavily the whole time, I was feeling extremely weak to say the least. I felt as though I was "bleeding out" right there in a hospital! They finally came in and were sorry to tell me that I had indeed lost the baby, and they were going to go ahead and do the needed procedure. The next day, I was discharged and allowed to return home. Then when I was pregnant with my second child, my husband's factory closed it's doors, and our insurance was cancelled. After many phone calls, we were told that my pregnancy was a pre-existing condition, and yes, they would cover it. One part of the stressful situation was covered, but we still had that other part, the part about the factory closing down, and my husband being unemployed. The company had offered him, because of his seniority, positions in other states. My husband did not feel like that was an offer he could take. His family and my family lived in Festus, and he would not even consider moving us away from our family. Trust me, there was lots of prayers going on during this time. My husband finally decided to go out on his own and become self-employed. Starting a business from scratch, from the ground up, at a time when a major employer in our small town had just closed it's doors, leaving many unemployed, was hard. Lots of tough times followed. But God uses those tough times, those troubled waters, to build our faith, to grow us. "For richer, for poorer." I have endured many IRS audits. I have gotten the dreaded phone call from the officer of the law informing me they had my son at the Fredericktown jail, and we would need to come pick him up. He had been drinking, and he was only 18. That was followed by us being involved in church discipline, which ended up in us not being allowed to worship where we had been. Lots and lots of ugliness between Christian people. And, yes, on February 8th, 2007, I got the phone call from my daddy, telling me he was in St. Anthony's Hospital, and they had told him they thought it was Leukemia, but they were transferring him to St. Louis University Hospital by ambulance and he didn't want to go by ambulance, could I come and take him. Oh yea, and "I didn't tell your mom, I just told her it was something in the blood and they were going to run some more tests. I don't want you to tell her just yet until we know for sure." It know that God is in control, because when I got that phone call from my daddy, I was not at home, I was in the car with Keith, on I-270, a mile before the exit needed to go to St. Anthony's! Within 5 minutes of that phone call, I was sitting in daddy's hospital room. Mom had already left to go home, taking a ride from a member of Herky FBC, where daddy was Interim pastor at that time. Daddy filled me in on all that he knew at that time. And then, again, he told me he didn't want me to tell anyone until they got to SLU, and knew something more definite. I argued with him, and told him that my siblings deserved to know now. Daddy's argument was, they would over react, panic even, and all come, and he didn't want that. He wanted to wait until he knew for sure what this was. I stood firm, and instead of honoring my dad's wishes, I told him, I was going to call my brother and my sisters, and tell them. He was our daddy, and if this hospital thought that what he had was Leukemia, and it was serious enough to transfer him to SLU, then yea, they deserved to know.......NOW. I have been told on more than one occasion that I am "pushy, domineering and severe". I don't think I am like that all the time, but yes, I know that I can be, when it is called for. That phone call set into motion a series of events that turned into a year long battle, with my daddy fighting that life threatening disease which eventually got named as Acute Myloid Leukemia, or AML, as we learned to refer to it as. I don't know why I am including all this in today's posting, except, it is all wrapped up in what I am going through now. In the time my daddy was going through all this, there were many many trips to SLU Hospital, lots of doctor appointments, lots of changes. And because of all that, when I myself got diagnosed with cancer, it was so very very emotional for me. Every doctor appointment involved terminology that was so very "familiar". Even the drugs they prescribed for me, so many of them were exactly the same. Cancer is cancer, and the drugs they prescribe for cancer and all it's various side effects are the same. Changes are hard to deal with, no matter when they come into our life. I have said it many times, your life can change in a phone call. I know this intimately. Your life can change in an instant, when you sit down in front of your computer and look at your history file, and find out that someone in your house has been looking at things that are unacceptable. Then after all the questions, finding out it is one of your sons. After all the roller coaster of emotions that came with the year long path we walked with daddy, it ended with daddy going home to be with his Jesus. The Lord of his life. The Lord he loved more than life itself. I always felt that daddy had the relationship with Jesus that suggested he had breakfast with him this morning! Sat at a table with his coffee and chatted with Jesus. With my daddy, that was the best way to describe how I saw him live out his relationship with his Lord. Jesus was truly his best friend. And when it came close to the end of his life, and he knew it, we all began to question him about leaving momma. His words were, and I will never forget them as long as I live, "If I can trust the Lord with my life, I can trust the Lord with my wife." He went on to reassure me that God is in control, we are not. Nothing comes into our life, or crosses our path, that doesn't filter through God first. If it crosses our path, God has allowed it to cross our path. For reasons we don't need to know or even question. God's plan is just that, God's plan. As Christians, we know and trust in the one that created this world from scratch. The Bible says, the Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away. We have a tendency to read the parts of the Bible that we want, and ignore the other parts. There is a song out now, by Mercy Me, that speaks to me every time I hear it. Allow me to share some of the lyrics,

"I can count a million times people asking me how I can praise you with all that I've gone through. The question just amazes me, can circumstances possibly change who I forever am in You? Maybe since my life was changed, long before these rainy days, it's never really ever crossed my mind to turn my back on you, oh Lord, my only shelter from the storm, but instead I draw closer through these times. So I pray, bring me joy, bring me peace, bring the chance to be free, bring me anything that brings you glory. And I know there'll be days when this life brings me pain, but if that's what it takes to praise you Jesus, bring the rain. I am yours regardless of the clouds that may loom above because you are much greater than my pain, you who made a way for me, suffering your destiny, so tell me whats a little rain." Bring on the rain!! We all want the good that God has to offer, but we don't want the bad. We don't want to do hard things. We don't want to suffer. We don't get to chose our "mission". We just have to be willing servants, to be used of God, in whichever plan He has chosen for us, to accomplish whatever He wants to accomplish. Change comes, life changing situations and events happen to us. It happens to everyone, but when it happens to Christians, how we respond is what should set us apart from those that don't have faith in Christ Jesus. When our world is shaken, when our world is rocked, when things are not going according to the plan we had in our heads, we should take comfort in knowing that God is in control, and God has a plan for our life. I don't need to know the plan, because I truly do trust the one who does. When I get knocked down, because I am human, and my focus is seriously messed with, I search my Bible for some scripture to help me regain that focus. And if I am not where I can do that, I turn on my Christian music, and turn it up loud, and trust that God knows what I need to hear, and when i need to hear it, and the perfect song will come on, that lets me know, and I smile, yea, God knows..........and now I know that He knows, what I am going through in my mind, because the words to that song just calmed my spirit, and helped me to know that I am not the only one to ever feel this way. God is so good to me. He loves me, and I know that He is with me every step of every day. For that, I am truly grateful, regardless of how tomorrow's surgery turns out. I know God has a plan, and I know God knows in my heart of hearts, I want to please him, and I don't care what it takes to do that. Whatever Lord, whatever. Bring on the rain!! I love you!! I will be fine tomorrow. Whatever direction the Lord has for me, I will be fine.

2009-06-18T17:57:00.002-05:00

I hate to keep harping on the fact that my surgery is in like, 8 days, and I still do NOT have a peace about it at all, but here I am again. I have told the "powers that be" that I do not want expanders, and I even put it in writing, sent an email, and expressed my concerns. I figured, that way, I have a written, dated record of my preferences. Apparently, they took my case before something referred to as the "tumor board" and discussed it at length. Then, at my appointment on Wednesday told me that their recommendations were that I have an expander put in at the time of the mastectomy. I guess the only way I am going to get out of having the expander is to say, in no uncertain terms, I am not having reconstruction at all, ever. I have read until I am dizzy. And, to top it off, Tuesday, when Keith and I were at Barnes getting all the Pre-testing done, Keith ran into our neighbor! Seriously, our neighbor that lives not 5 miles from us, was up there because his wife, who had a double mastectomy, with expanders put in, (by the same plastic surgeon as I will be using!) was there because she had developed an infection from the expanders and was there getting them taken out! How's that for getting your attention! Today as I was reading and researching, again, I ran across this little bit of info. I thought I would include it:
But many women decide against reconstruction for positive reasons.
They're strong women who don't feel their breasts define their identity.
They're confident women who know they can look great in clothes without showing lots of cleavage.
They're active women who want to continue exercising without any restrictions.
They're mature women who understand that love of spouses, friends, and family isn't dependent on having breasts.
There just is so much information out there, supporting both sides of this decision, and for many various reasons. And for those of you that are thinking, I should do what my doctors tell me, that is part of the problem. I have more than one doctor, and each one has a different opinion of what I should do. My Oncologist (Doctor Number 1) has said that he thinks I should deal with the cancer first, and I can always come back and do reconstruction later on down the road. The breast surgeon (Doctor Number 2) doing the mastectomy says that it is easier to do reconstruction at the same time as the mastectomy, while the skin is normal, and therefore stretches easier, before radiation. The plastic surgeon (Doctor Number 3) agrees with him. But both Doctor Number 2 and Doctor Number 3 agree that radiation limits your chances for an appealing outcome. And since, at this point, we don't know whether or not they are going to recommend radiation, I am leaning towards Doctor Number 1. Is it too late to call them and say, I am not going to have reconstruction surgery? It is a week from tomorrow! Talk about rocking the boat! But, I do not have a peace about this and until I do, I can't even think about the mastectomy, much less the reconstruction and the many different ways of reconstruction. I hate confrontations, I really do, but this is my body, and this is a life changing surgery I am about to have done! Not only will it change and affect my life, but my husband's as well! My husband keeps telling me it is my decision, and he will support me in whatever I decide. It is just such a hard decision to make. It is a decision I wish I didn't have to make, but I do, and I am running out of time to make it! I am gonna ask all you prayer warriors out there to pray specifically for me to have the wisdom to make the right decision. And not only that, that the Lord will give me the peace that passes all understanding, once the decision is made. Ready? Set.....PRAY!!!!!! (Thanks guys!)

2009-06-17T08:00:00.002-05:00

Life has been so busy as they try and fill my head with all this knowledge, so I can make a well informed decision. LOL! Yea, whatever. Last Saturday night, I went up and spent the night with my mom!! Sunday, right after church, there was a 90th birthday party for one of mom's friends. I know she could have gone by herself, but they were calling for rain, and I didn't want mom to miss it. She has been looking forward to it for a couple weeks, asking me, "Is this weekend Arabelle's birthday party?" I enjoyed the time spent with my mom on Saturday afternoon, as we sat in the swing and watched the birds. I didn't bring the boys with me to mow her grass, since I was planning on staying the night. But as we sat there, and she made several comments about the "white flowers" (white clover, LOL!) in her yard, I decided to go ahead and mow it for her. Several weeks ago, in lieu of cash, a guy offered a mower to Keith as partial payment for the concrete job. Keith took it, and we put it at mom's. Now I don't have to load up the mowers and pull the horse trailer up there once a week to mow her grass. After the yard was mowed, we sat in the swing with some ice water and admired the birds at the bird feeders, as well as the freshly cut lawn. Sunday morning, it was so good to once again visit and fellowship with all the people at First Baptist Church Festus-Crystal City. I guess it doesn't matter how long your gone, or who is in the pulpit, one church always has a special place in your heart, and for me, that church is "good old First Baptist Church Festus Crystal City". When we arrived at mom's Sunday School class, it was full to the brim. I delivered mom, then backed out and told them I would go to "my" Sunday School class and meet up with mom in the sanctuary. We had a lively discussion in our class about the "law" vs. "grace" out of the text of Galations 2 and 3. It was very very good, and if any of you need a brushing up on that subject, I urge you to get out your Bibles and read a couple chapters. After church, we went to the birthday party and mom enjoyed visiting with many of her friends. On the way home, we stopped in for a visit with a friend of mom's who now resides at Autumn Ridge. Mom and I have visited her several times during the past several months. But on this day, when she saw me, she said, "My, you've gotten heavy!" Yea, folks, as I have shared with you, they have me on steroids, which one of the side effects is, yes, you guessed it....weight gain. I have gained about 16 lbs in the last 6 months. I can't tell you how good it made me feel to have her notice that!! NOT!!!!!! Oh well, sometimes the truth hurts. I just keep telling myself, a year from now, this will all be behind me. We are coming up hard and fast on my surgery date. Actually, 9 days from today?? Yikes!! Yesterday, I was at the hospital all day. They put me through a battery of tests they like to refer to as "Pre-testing". I had a MUGA scan, which is where they inject you with some dye, then wait 15 minutes, then take pictures of your heart valves working. They took me into the room, covered me with a warm blanket, and told me that they needed 3 pictures, and that each picture would take about 10 minutes. I plugged in my music in my ears, and closed my eyes, and laid very very still for 30 minutes or so. LOL! We then went to 1st floor, Pre-planning for Surgery, and had an EKG, a couple more sticks in my arms for blood draws, and they then sent me to have a chest x-ray. Finally, around 3:30 or so, Keith and I were in the car, headed south on 55. I know how hard it is for Keith to sit up there in those waiting rooms, and just wait, for hours and hours. So, yesterday, I took my lap top, complete with a couple DVD movies! I got him set up in a larger lobby waiting room, and he was good to go. And, when I was all done, and went to fetch him, he was actually, like, "just a couple more minutes Babe, they are about to rescue his family!" I like that response!! I will try and write more tomorrow, but this morning, I have to head back up to Barnes, for my weekly dose of Herceptin, and meet with the doctors to button up some last minute details. They did discuss my case with the "Tumor Board" last week, and the plan is still contingent upon what they find during surgery/mastectomy. If they find that I have had a complete response to the chemo drugs (all cancer is gone), then they will not recommend radiation. If they find any residual cancer, then, yes, they will recommend radiation. And, as far as my lymph nodes, they will test them, and only remove what they absolutely have to. I know God is in control, and I also know we don't get to pick and choose our "mission" in life. If we are believers, true believers, then we accept the assignment God has for us. I don't know who or what is being touched by this walk I am on, but God knows what He is doing, and I trust God. God loves me, and has a plan for my life. All He asks from me is obedience and a willing heart. I am trying to be that. I admit, on some days, I question the plan. I am like a small child, with questions for my Father. I don't always get an answer, but I can feel my heavenly father loving me, and I trust that. That is exactly where FAITH comes into play. That was part of our discussion Sunday morning. How would you explain FAITH to an unbeliever. What words would you use. You have to use words they would understand, and better yet, accept. We got lots of answers, lots of good answers. But the truth is, even for Christians, FAITH is hard to put into practice. It is easy to say you have faith when everything is going your way, when your paycheck gets deposited into your account every week, or when your healthy and your kids are all doing ok. On those days, FAITH is easy. I have said, faith is like a muscle, and when any muscle gets excercised a little more than normal, then said muscle gets sore, you have some pain to deal with. That would be why lots of people don't exercise!! They don't like pain, don't want pain. But pain can't be avoided in this life. Pain is guaranteed, but misery is optional. I heard Barbara Johnson say that at one of our Women of Faith conferences and have never forgotten it. When your faith is being stretched, it is painful. But a necessary part of growing stronger. I know God is working on me and my faith, because there is some pain involved in my life right now, both spiritual and physical. But, like the song I heard yesterday on the radio, there's always gonna be a mountain, I'm always gonna want it moved. But, I know God is in control, and if He is allowing these things in my life, then there is a good reason for it!! I just need to stretch and grow. I can do this, with God's help. I don't know how people who don't have a faith in God get through any of this, I truly don't. I certainly would not want to even try. I love my God, I trust Him and His ways, and I love my life. I feel truly blessed that I have such a loving and supporting family and lots of truly amazing friends. Keep on Praying!!

2009-06-02T08:13:00.002-05:00

These past couple weeks have been so incredibly busy. Not only have I been doing a lot of research on radiation pros and cons, but also lots and lots of research on reconstruction. I did finally pin my doctor down and asked all kinds of questions about radiation and he did reassure me that radiation was not a "slam dunk". I realize that I might need it, and I don't mind doing it if it is deemed necessary. I just don't want to do "routine". When I signed on for the clinical study, I was told that I would be doing "cutting edge" techniques and trying new things, new drugs, etc. Yet, on any given day, they will give me the road map that shows "normal routine". So, I shared my emotional baggage and my concerns and he tried his best to make me understand all the options and what would be required vs. what would be put on the back burner and only used if he felt it was absolutely necessary. We again went over all the risks associated with radiation and lymph node removal, and yes, discussed peace of mind and how that played into all this as well. I felt much better when I left. I am praying, hard, that what they find in my surgery will give the indications they need to not order radiation or lymph node removal. Radiation is a bigger player down the road than I want to think about. So, needless to say, my mind has been working over-time on all these decisions that need to be made before surgery. They tell me I need to know what I want, then tell me, "we won't know for sure what needs to be done, until we actually get in there and open you up and biopsy the tissue so we can see if all that we have done has worked". Seriously, how can I make decisions on that kind of platform?? I have spent lots of time in prayer and meditation, trying to let the Lord speak to me and give me some clear direction.

On another note, there's mom. She has been doing lots better, as far as her mood. It's been a long time since she has shown the signs of depression openly. I don't know if it is the weather, the sunshine, the ability to get outside and sit in her swing or what. I really don't know what it is, but I am grateful for it. Don't get me wrong, she does still have memory issues. She has been going to the doctor these last few weeks for several check-ups the doctor has ordered. We spread them out so that I could get mom to go to them. We were afraid to load them up, afraid that mom would balk and refuse to go. She has had a mammogram, pap smear, a bone density scan, blood tests, urine tests, and the MME (Mini-mental Exam). That's a lot of doctor visits for my mom! Mom thinks that doctors will find something wrong with healthy people! and yes, she has constantly questioned why we are going here and why we are going there. She keeps telling me that she is fine, and when she was growing up you didn't go to the doctor unless you were sick and she is not sick, so she doesn't need to go to the doctor. I just keep trying to convince her that times have changed, and these are all things that even healthy people do, to try and catch anything that might crop up, so that they can treat it and deal with it before it turns into something big. They have all been routine exams, and with every one, I tried to turn it into a day out, go to lunch together, something positive! We would laugh and cut up together, so that her memory of the day was positive and fun. Yesterday, I decided to try and see if mom would go to the doctor by herself. It was her pap smear, it was at the local doctor's office, a place where she is used to going, knows where it is, etc. I called her Sunday night to remind her. She talked positive about it. I called her Monday morning, again, positive. I was thinking, this is great, she is going to do it all by herself. I called her 15 minutes before her appointment to see if she was walking out the door. She wasn't, but I talked her into it. I called her 30 minutes later, and yes, got daddy's voice on the answering machine. That meant she had gone!! Yippee!!! Yea, well, my glee was short lived. As I got busy on my day at home, time passed, and before I knew it, my phone was ringing, and it was mom's doctor's office. They wanted to share their "concerns" about mom and her "responsiveness to the what the doctor had to say". Hmmm. The doctor wanted to urge me to come with mom on all her doctor visits from now on, because she was not nearly as responsive this time as she had been in the past, when I was there. Ya think?? Inside I was laughing, trying to picture my mom giving the doctor a hard time. What exactly does "not as responsive" mean? Mom does not like doctors, plain and simple. She is 72 years old, and she does not take any medications, other than Aricept, and that is a fight. She will tell you, she doesn't take pills, and is not going to take any pills everyday for the rest of her life. Well, the doctor went on to share that they had gone back in mom's charts and found my number, and was going to put my number down as the contact number from now on. I asked them why, and they shared that they had called mom several times regarding the results of her mammogram and blood and urine tests. Mom had acted like she was going to come back in for further tests, but had not returned to the office. Apparently, her cholesterol is elevated and they had discussed a diet and exercise plan with mom to try and correct those numbers and they were met with some, er, resistance. LOL! And, not only that, her mammogram showed some abnormalities, so they would like to follow that up with an ultra-sound. They had called mom and discussed all this with her over the past couple of weeks, and mom had sounded like she would, but again, she was a no show on every follow-up appointment they had made for her. So, they had gone back into her records and located another phone number, mine, and was now trying to recruit my help in getting mom to these follow up appointments. I assured them I would give it my best shot, but I could not guarantee anything. Mom is, well, mom. She is very much a "force to be reckoned with", but I would try. I did ask them more about the "abnormalities" they found in the mammogram, and shared with them that I had breast cancer. They tried to reassure me that they did not feel it was cancer, but that it did need to be checked out further with a different machine. It might just be calcification's in the breast tissue, but they wanted to be sure. I agree with that, so that is the first thing on the agenda. They made her an appointment for this Friday, back up at Excel Imaging. The last time we went up there, we went to Olive Garden after the appointment, and we laughed and had a good time, and mom kept saying over and over, "this was a good idea!". And, I took advantage of that and said, "Mom, if they ever try and make any other appointments for you, you tell them, as long as they make them close to lunch, so we can go to Olive Garden, we are so on it!" We both laughed and she said "I will!". That will be my "creative re-direction" for this next appointment. I will try and remind her that she agreed to this appointment, and we made it for 10 o'clock so that we could go to Olive Garden when we were done! Pray for me, as I try and get this accomplished. And pray that whatever abnormality they found will be nothing serious. Life is good.........but incredibly complicated.

2009-05-26T15:09:00.002-05:00

In the morning, I get to meet my Plastic Surgeon. I am a bit nervous. They will show me pictures of before and after reconstruction. And of course, discuss all the "options". It just seems as though we go over and over and over, the "options".

This has been a long week, with something everyday and yes, I am tired. Because I am tired, I am way more emotional than I should be. I know this. I feel very "weepy", and I know why, but that doesn't seem to make it any easier to deal with! My sister, Beck, and my mom got back to Herky on Sunday afternoon around 4 o'clock. I drove up there to spend the night at mom's, since Beck's flight left St. Louis at 8:15 a.m. Mom's AC was not working, and it was 80+ degrees in the house! We bumped it down to 65, then went outside to sit in the swing, to allow the house to cool down some. After many trips in the house to check the progress, we finally decided to go grab some supper somewhere cool. After we returned to the house, it was still hot. I called Keith, we ran through some things to try, but nothing was working, and everything seemed to be in order. I finally, reluctantly, called Frosty. I hated to call him on a Sunday evening, but by this time, I knew church was over, and we were sweating! He assured me he could come over in the morning. In the meantime, I shut the ac down, and opened some windows, turned on the attic fan, and cooled the house down to about 70! Praise the Lord! Some dear friends came by and stopped in for a visit. We so enjoyed spending some quality time with Lloyd and Ada, with some good conversation. Once they left, mom was ready to close the windows, since "we can't leave them open all night". Oh well... We turned off the attic fan, closed all the windows, and mom wanted to turn the air back on. She was not convinced it was not working. After her and Beck went to bed in mom's room, I took my pillow and laid on the floor beside the vent. Air is air, and at that point, I just wanted to feel some air blowing in my face! I slept off and on all night, and finally it was time to get up and get ready to take Beck to the airport. We were up, dressed and walking out the door by 5:45 a.m. Mom had opted to stay home. Beck and I stopped at the bottom of the hill to grab some much needed coffee before heading north on 55 towards the airport. We had good conversation on the way up, and that was really the first time we had the opportunity to talk at all, without mom. Before I knew it, we were pulling into the East Terminal, and it was time for Beck to get out and head towards security. I truly miss my sister and the opportunity to have good old heart to heart talks. After I let her out, I made one stop to pick up something from my brother-in-law's house, then headed south on 55 towards home. I pulled up my driveway at 8:30 a.m. I went straight to the deck, where my grandson and his "Cousin Emma" were playing. Ruger had spent the night with us! My husband decided to fix us a big country breakfast with farm fresh eggs. Man oh man, it was good eatin'!! We enjoyed just chilling on the deck watching the kiddos play. Eventually, we started up the grill and grilled some salmon, and chicken and pork steaks and brats. Jenna, my daughter that lives with Kelly in St. Louis, and her boyfriend, Cole was down. My daughter Jessica had a friend that had spent the night as well, and Kate had a friend spend the night, so our house was full of teenagers and young adults!! Another one of our spontaneous Govero parties! Later on that afternoon, after everyone had scattered across the farm riding 4 wheelers, and fishing, we got a phone call from our neighbor down the road, Hildon. He was having some chest pains, and wanted to know if Keith could drive him to the hospital. Of course!!!! So, I grabbed my hair, put my shoes on, and out the door we ran. We grabbed Hildon and Peggy and drove them up to Festus to the ER. They have 2 daughters that are nurses, and they work at Jefferson Memorial, so that is where he wanted to go. On the way, we called them, so they were waiting for us when we pulled in. We all sat in the waiting room of the ER, while the girls took turns going back to be with Peggy and Hildon. Finally, around 11pm, Peggy came walking through the double doors, and informed us that they were going to keep him overnight for some more tests and observation, and that she was ready to go home. We drove Peggy back home, went in with her, got her settled in her house, and then we drove to our house, and two very tired people walked into our bedroom and I don't remember much after that. I do remember seeing the clock turn 12:15! This morning, the phone began to ring way too early for me and my husband. But, his contractors wanted to talk to him first thing this morning. Before I knew it, he was up, getting dressed, and walking out the door headed to work. Needless to say, I have been moving way slow today. Lots of research on the internet, comparing results and opinions on surgery, radiation and the timing of it all. I just wish someone else would make all these decisions for me. They are too hard. I know I am so emotional because I am still so tired. Hopefully, tonight, I will get a good night sleep, and tomorrow will be a good day and I will be ready to deal with the surgeon and the chemo and the oncologist appointments. Pray for me. It will be a long day........

2009-05-22T09:14:00.002-05:00

Hey there folks! I hope you all are having some good weather at last! We have had a full week of sunshine this week, and my husband has worked every day. Praise the Lord!! It has been a crazy busy week though for us all. All this good sunny weather, has made the hay fields pop, and believe it or not, it is time to cut hay. If you are wondering why I have not been on here for updates, it is because life is crazy busy at this time. But, I have received several emails and phone calls from friends asking, what is going on in my life?? Without going back to the website, and actually reading what I have shared and what I have not, I will attempt to bring you all into the loop, and update you at the risk of possibly repeating myself. I have decided to do a radical right mastectomy without immediate reconstruction. My surgery date has been decided, and it is set for June 26th. They are telling me that since I have decided not to do immediate reconstruction, the surgery will only last about 2 and 1/2 hours. Yippee!! But, they still expect me to spend the night, for observation after surgery. We met with the surgeon Wednesday, signed all the consent forms, and got instructions on what to expect with surgery, recovery, time schedules for radiation, etc. They give me a "window" every time, like we like to allow from "2 to 4 weeks" between chemo and surgery, and we like to allow from "3 to 4 weeks" between surgery and radiation, then radiation has to be 6 weeks, un-interrupted. I pressed for the minimum every time. If I was given 2 to 4, I said, "Let's go with 2 weeks." They commented, every time I give you a window, you take the least. I said, "If it is not an option, don't give it to me." I feel like this walk has been a walk that I have been steadfastly walking, climbing, and I don't see why I need to fearfully walk it. God is with me, God is the one in control of this situation, from start to finish. I have had that peace since day one. I have not one day, felt as though I was "dying from breast cancer" as much as I was "living with breast cancer". I have not experienced the fear aspect of leaving my family. I know that God has a plan here, I don't know what the plan is, but then again, I don't need to know the plan. Whatever His purpose is for using this Breast Cancer in my life, or someone else's life, I am totally trusting God. It's just a bump in the road. Because of how hectic this last couple of weeks has been, both for me and my husband and his business, not to mention the farm, on Tuesday night, the decision was made for me to find someone else to go with me to chemo on Wednesday. I tried to urge him that I didn't feel the need for a babysitter, but he said it would make him feel better if I had someone with me. So, I made a couple of calls, and my daughter, Kelly, ended up meeting me at the hospital and went with me to the surgeon's appointment, and then to labs, but by the time it was time for chemo, she had to leave for work. Which is fine, considering I sleep through that anyway. While the nurses were getting me all hooked up, we were chatting, they always ask about my family, and how the side effects are going,etc. Apparently, the young girl sitting across from me was listening. Because when she got up to leave, she laid a piece of paper on my tray table and walked out without saying anything. This young girl looked to be in her 20's, low 20's. I picked it up to read it. She had written a small page out of her journal, encouraging me! She shared that every flower that blooms has to go through a lot of dirt before it blooms, but it gets there, and that I would get there as well. She then had included a verse in Romans about Hope, and Character and Strength. I felt like an angel has just ministered to me! What a sweet thing for that young girl to do. I told the nurses what she did and began to ask a little about her. I know they won't share anything too personal, but they did share that she comes everyday, and yes, she has cancer. Not breast cancer, but cancer. I was reminded again, this place that I go every Wednesday is full of cancer patients. And not all of them have as good a prognosis as me. Some of them are terminal, and they know it. I remember when we were going through this cancer stuff with daddy, I would tell people, anytime you think you have it tough, spend a day on the oncology floor at any hospital. It helps you put everything in perspective. It will always make you once again, appreciate the blessings you do have in your life, that you tend to take for granted. Blessings like just being able to drive your car. I remember that was what daddy said he missed and didn't realize he would. He would watch out the window of his hospital room, and watch the cars come and go up and down the highway, and say, I miss being able to just get in my car and drive anywhere I want. It's the little things that so many who are dealing with cancer have to give up. The personal independence is a biggy. I see so many coming in on Wednesdays, that are needing assistance, needing help in and out of their wheelchairs. All of it is just so familiar. What breaks my heart, is seeing the people come in alone, in their wheelchairs, doing it all by themselves. Where is their family? Not everyone has family to depend on. I am grateful that my daddy, as he was walking the cancer path, he was surrounded by his family and friends, and there was always someone there to help. I am equally grateful, that I am walking this cancer walk, again, I am surrounded by my family, and there is always someone there to help. When my daughter-in-law heard that I was going to chemo alone, she said, "Why didn't you call me? Call me next time, I will go!" Sometimes I just don't even think about the people that I could call, and that would be willing to go with me! God has just blessed me beyond words through this whole thing. I have always felt his presence. I have always felt the peace that passes all understanding. Even when I am in the surgeon's office, and they are trying to mess with my focus, it doesn't take me long to get back to God, and get that reassurance, that no matter what "they" say, I know the Great Physician, and I know that I know, He's got this!! As I sit here on my deck this morning, the breeze is blowing, I can see my finches and blue birds eating out of my bird feeders. I can see and hear the buzz of my hummingbirds, and enjoy their playful antics as they empty my feeders. And as I look out across my yard, I can see my roses blooming this year, in greater abundance than any previous year. Life is good and full of opportunities to thank God for His blessings. Yesterday, I drove up to pick up my sister, Beck, from the airport. My niece, Sarah "Bean", is graduating high school in Chicago. I could not make the trip to take mom, so Beck flew into St. Louis, instead of Chicago. She will drive her and mom to Chicago today. They will spend some time together in the car, making the 6 hour road trip to see Lois and her family, and share this special time. Then on Sunday, they will come back to St. Louis. I am planning on spending the night with mom on Sunday night, because Beck's flight leaves at 8:15 am on Monday morning! Yea, do the math. That means we will be leaving mom's at 6am! Beck's flight came in yesterday at 12:40, so once we picked her up, we went to lunch at the restaurant where my daughter, Jenna, works and had a wonderful meal. We then stopped at the South County mall, where mom returned the dress that Beck had gotten her for Mother's Day, because mom thought it was too long. We thought it looked good on her, but unless mom likes it, she won't wear it, so with Beck with us, we took mom to J.C. Penney's and had a girl day shopping at the mall! It was fun, I do admit!! We laughed together, as mom tried on dresses and finally settled on one that looked great on her and she liked it as well! It was green and mom looks good in green!! Beck took care of the return credits and exchange and we were out the door and in the car headed home by 3:30 or so. It was a full day, but it was a wonderful day. I truly enjoyed spending the day with my mom and my sister. Memories I will cherish forever. We don't get to do that very often, not near often enough. I love to hear mom picking at us, picking at me, teasing with each other. Just being normal mom. It was a good day. I truly hope that she has a good time with Lois and her family, and Beck this weekend and everyone enjoys each other's company and makes great memories!! Pray for them folks!! I have to run, now, my husband ran off and left his phone here at home today, and has called asking me to come up early today and bring it to him. I have an appointment this afternoon up there, but I guess I will get going and head up early to take my husband his phone. Ya'll have a great day! I'm doing great!!

2009-05-07T10:26:00.002-05:00

I feel the need to warn you that today's post may be a tad long. I feel the need to vent about yesterday's all day doctor visits. We were at Barnes/Siteman Cancer Center/Center for Advanced Medicine, parked and walking in the door by 7:55am. My first doctor visit was with the surgeon that will be doing my mastectomy. I knew we were going to be discussing my options, and that he would want to know my thoughts, and yes, I don't mind telling you I was a bit anxious, nervous, whatever you want to call it. I don't know what I want to do! Like I have shared before, so much of this is all mixed up with "self image", "outward appearance", etc. Well, we go back into this examination room, I am handed my "pink gown", which is becoming all too familiar, and after I am examined, we discuss pros and cons of doing mastectomy, bi-lateral, vs, just the infected breast. We then discuss immediate re-construction, vs. waiting the 9 - 12 months like my oncologist suggested. During this part, I got so very emotional, and even began to cry! Yes, me! I just am not ready to make these decisions. Keith said, he thought it was because I was tired, as I have not been sleeping well these past few nights, trying to get myself ready for this very appointment. I knew they would want me to tell them what I wanted, and I don't know what I want! After a long visit, lots and lots of discussion, the surgeon decided I needed to actually meet with a plastic surgeon, who will actually be in charge of the re-construction part of the surgery. Apparently, this surgeon that I was meeting with is only in charge of the mastectomy part. He can take them off, but doesn't specialize in putting them back together. And before they can put together the surgical team, they need to know who the players will be, aka what players I will need. If I am going to wait, and not do reconstruction until later, then they won't need the plastic surgeon on the team. After all this discussion, they escort Keith out to the waiting room again, and move me into the mammogram area to do yet another mammogram to check the progress I am making with the chemo. After all the chemo I have had, they are using the phrase "dramatic response". In other words, they like the way my body is responding to the chemo. The lumps can no longer be felt by physical examination! And the sore is gone and healed up nicely. Of course, all that said, they are quick to remind me that it doesn't change the course of treatment. They do the chemo first, in hopes that the tumors shrink, but even if they shrink to nothing, as they often do, we will still do surgery to remove the breast tissue. Because, that is the only way to be completely sure how much cancer was there to begin with, how much is still there, and if it has traveled through the lymph nodes. They told me that they are leaning towards removing all the lymph nodes on the right side, just to be on the safe side, because of the original size of the tumor. They have measurements they go by, if it is this size they do this, if it is this size, they do this, etc. And because of the size of my original tumor, they said from the start, not a lumpectomy, but a mastectomy. And yes, removal of lymph nodes, regardless of whether they find lymph nodes involvement. So, no "sentinel lymph node testing", removal of all on the right side. Possible sentinel lymph node testing on the side without cancer. After the mammogram, I am escorted back to the surgeon's exam room, Keith is brought back in, and we discuss the findings of the mammogram. Even though they cannot feel them with physical exam, there are still some lurking in there, which means they are insitu (?), meaning those particular cells don't respond to chemo at all, which is the "why" behind the surgery. Leaving the insitu there is like leaving a root to grow back at a later date. They must be surgically removed. So, there you have it. We discuss a little more on the options, him still suggesting the immediate re-construction, because of what the radiation will do to the skin, making it a little harder to work with later. Blah..... I was so ready to move on to the next appointment, and having to use an extreme amount of self-control in not telling him, I get it, I know what you want, so can we move on now? Those of you that know me well, know that I have never been one to do what they (the docs) suggest. Teehee. Like when I did have my babies in the hospital, I did not want a fetal monitor, I did not want to remain laying in the bed, I wanted to get up and walk the halls, let gravity help!! Here I am, having to put up with their routine practices, what they like to do, normally, in this situation, blah blah blah. After, earlier, they liked to throw the phrase around "we like to customize our treatment plan to each individual case". Yea, do I need to bring my tape recorder back in here?? I go back and forth from "somebody else make the decision, tell me what to do, and I will do it", to "don't tell me what is routine, what you like to do. I don't give a rip what you like to do! This is my body, it is not normal, obviously! You keep commenting how remarkably I am responding to treatment, therefore, something about my body must be slightly different?? Can we discuss slightly different options? Grrrrr. Ok, that being over, it is now 10:30am. Yes, been in there with that doctor since 8:15 am. Now, we move from 5th floor, to 7th floor, to get signed in for my blood work/labs appointment for 11 o'clock. We thought we might have time in between for some lunch, nada. We get in for labs, and she asked me when I last applied my lidocaine for my port. Uh, maybe before my surgeon appointment, like 7:30 am or so? She laughed, and I said, how long does that stuff stay active? She said, well, hmm, I don't know, I have never tested it past an hour. Usually, our patients put it on about an hour or so before their labs. I don't think I have ever had a patient that put it on three and a half hours before. I'm sure it will be fine. I laughed and said, I watch Lie to Me, you just lied to me! Every muscle in your face just reacted to that statement! So, she grabbed that needle to poke into my port, and said, ready, one two three, and poke. I didn't feel a thing! So, we both laughed and said, well, now it has been properly tested, it will stay effective for over 3 hours!! She taped me up, and I then moved over to get checked in with my oncologist, Dr. Ellis. Yes, it is now 11:30. We get called back there rather quickly, and I get weighed in ( I lost 2 pounds!!!!! Woohoo!!!!). That's a whole different story. I expected to lose weight through this, and the steroids are helping me put it on! Yuk side effect. The nurse escorts us to the exam room, where I am handed yet another pink gown, and told what to do with it, LOL. The doctor comes in, and does a physical exam, again, tells me how wonderfully I am responding to treatment. The down side to that is, that every week that I tolerate these drugs well, they up the dosage. With the end result, of course, seeing how much they can give me before I actually start complaining! After the examination is done, they exit, telling me I can get dressed and they will all come back in and we will discuss our options. Oh no!! More options?? This is the 6th treatment of 12, so apparently at the half way point, we discuss what we have left, how much time, and where we go after that. I have not actually met with the radiology doctor yet, so I am still rather clueless to that procedure, and that came out in our discussion. When they said that I was to remain on herceptin for a year, they informed me that even after we finish this next 6 rounds of chemo, I would still be coming up here at least once a month for herceptin in the infusion room. Ok, I am ok with that, not liking it, but ok with it. Then I asked about radiation, and the frequency of that. DAILY!! Bejeebers, I was not prepared for that. The length of time would be determined by the radiology doctor, but it could be daily for a week. Which, I know, sounds like such a short amount of time, but I live an hour and a half south of the treatment location! So, I may ask them if I have an option of driving to Farmington for radiation. I happen to know and pass a couple buildings that actually say Radiation Therapy on their signs. I will definitely be asking them about that! 15 miles is way better than 75 miles. Anyway, we discussed what the surgeon had told me that morning, what his suggestions were, about immediate reconstruction. My oncologist did not agree. He wants me to wait 9 - 12 months, not put anything in there that might introduce infection. And even though there are those that don't have any problems with immediate reconstruction, there are just as many that do, so "how do you Americans put it, it's a crap shoot!" He went on to share that he had just spoke in front of 900 breast surgeons in California, and he took a vote. How many favor immediate, how many favor waiting, and he said, it was about even. So, he felt like it was opinion, not science. He favored dealing with the cancer first and foremost. Do whatever is necessary to removing that threat from my body. Then once the body has fully recovered, skin and incisions have fully healed, and then some, you can always go back and do reconstruction. But his suggestion was to put time, alot of it, in between mastectomy and reconstruction. That cuts down on the risk of infection, not to mention what radiation does to the reconstruction efforts. So, if I could just be patient, my body will, eventually, look normal, or at least close to normal, patience is the key factor here. Those that tend to get in a hurry, usually deal with complications and issues that those with patience don't have to deal with. Duh, there is wisdom in that statement, outside the cancer realm!! Anyway, once we were done with all that, we were then free to leave, and walk across the hall to the chemo labs. I sign in, we sit in the waiting area, and I decide to open my computer to maybe get a quick look at my email. (They have wireless up there!) And yes, there, in my email room, in the form of a devotional from Love Worth Finding, was this:

Daily Devotional from Love Worth Finding Ministries
MAY 6
BIBLE MEDITATION:"... even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price."1 Peter 3:4b
DEVOTIONAL THOUGHT:Are you a woman struggling with the way you look? We all know that women want to be beautiful, especially to their husbands and boyfriends, but so often women think that beauty is found at a cosmetics counter, on a dress rack, or in a jewelry box. Those things are corruptible, and what's in vogue today is out of fashion when next year's supermodels hit the runway. The only thing that will make you more beautiful, day after day, is what you nurture within yourself - serenity. The ornament of a meek and a quiet spirit is worth far more than even the most expensive jewel you can wear around your neck.
ACTION POINT:Stand in front of the mirror today. Imagine Jesus by your side, and ask Him to create in you a gentle and quiet spirit of love.

Yes, I checked the date, thinking, this can't be today's thought. How wild is that?? But there it was, in my email, on the very date that yes, I am a woman struggling with the way I look!! I'm telling you, the tears began to flow, again. Agreed, I was already emotional to the hilt, but to know that even today, in the middle of this path I am on, God knew what I needed right then, right there. And BAM BABY, there He was, to remind me what I needed to focus on, what I needed to "hear" from Him. My focus had definitely been shifted to my outer appearance, even to the point of messing with my oncologist's recommendations to wait, and be patient. I had let the surgeon get in my head, and convince me that to have a better cosmetic outcome, I needed to go with immediate reconstruction. I hear you Lord!!! Thank you!! When they did finally call us back to the infusion room, Pod 3, set me in a chair, I opened up my laptop and re-read it, and yes, started crying again at the amazing miraculous email. The nurse came by, and offered me a box of tissues, "honey, do you need a tissue?" I laughed, "I am ok, really, better than ok, just tears of amazement, and gratitude." Of course, they then hooked me up to the Benedryl, and out I went, 5 minutes, from shooting that stuff in there, to slurred speech, and Keith taking the laptop off of my lap, LOL! Not before me trying to say something to him, and him having to say, "What? Say it again? Slowly....never mind. Babe, close your eyes. We'll talk about it later." LOL! That stuff is crazy powerful stuff, and I don't mind telling you, I like it! But with everything going on in my head, I still only slept for about an hour, instead of the 3 hours. I told him, even with Benedryl, through the veins, way too much in my mind today to shut my mind down apparently. Double the dose!! Last nite, I took Lorazepam, the sleep aide they gave me. Which is why, this morning, Jessy came and told me, that when my four old, Emma Jean, was up last nite, throwing up, and crying for mommy, she came in and tried to wake me up, and said, she couldn't wake me up!! Geez, I won't take that stuff again!! My sweet Emma, crying for mommy, and my daughter having to say, mommy is sleeping, and I can't wake her up! I said, did you shake me? Well, no, but I stood by your bed, and said, Mom! Mom! Mom! You didn't even stir. So, I just dealt with her. Thank you Jessy. So, today, I am spending sitting on the couch, trying to rest some from yesterday's long ordeal. I am on the computer, reading, researching again, reading the community posts from my favorite breast cancer website. I prefer to talk to those girls that are walking this same walk, asking them, what they did, why they did it, and now what would they change, if they could. If they had it to do over, what would they would do. How long their recovery was. On there, you can always find someone, whose numbers are exactly like yours, same age, same diagnosis, "negative, negative, positive", same Grade, same stage, etc. Yet, find 50 different paths they took, and how they dealt and what their outcomes were, and compare. And not only that, how their husbands dealt, their family dynamics, so to speak. I have found it to be very helpful and informative. And of course, have met friends on there that are walking the same path, at the same time as me. Kind of like having a support group, and not have to leave home to join in. I will get on here and post more about my "other" life later. Last weekend I went up and got my mom, brought her down here and she spent the night at my house for the first time ever!! I will fill you in on those details later. As for now, today, I will leave it all cancer talk. Pray for me.........

2009-04-30T10:17:00.002-05:00

Yes, I am still alive. It just seems that life has been incredibly busy lately. Spring, on a farm, maybe?? The garden is tilled, the potatoes are actually showing greenery, along with the weeds popping up. We have been getting so much rain, that it makes it hard to stay on top of the weeding. And yes, I know, that weeds come out way easier when the ground is saturated. It's just the whole bending over, in the mud, while the rain is dripping off of my hat that bothers me! Will this rain pattern ever end? This week, my husband has not worked one day! This is Thursday, and yes, rain this morning, and later this afternoon, heavy rain. Right now, this minute, not raining. The kids are feeding, Keith and a couple of them are down at our neighbor's house, helping him with his chores. He is 79 years old, and has pneumonia this week, so being we dearly love him and his wife, when he is down and out, and calls for help, we go. And for those of you that know our neighbors, it is Hildon. He has been sick for a few days, we were worried about him and so was Peggy. He finally got up and went to the doctor, and after a couple shots and some antibiotics, he is up out of bed, and at least sitting in the living room recliner! Big Big improvement!! I myself have had a toothache for the past few days, and finally, called the dentist and made an appointment. I made it on the same day as mom's check-up, knowing I would be up there anyway (my dentist is in Festus). Nothing like a few sleepless nights, and alot of pain to make even this mom call a doctor! Teehee! I called my oncology nurse, and ran it by her first. She gave me the go ahead, so I went ahead with the appointment. Once I got to Festus, picked up mom, and we headed to her appointment first. It went well, thanks for all the prayers!! The doctor we saw this time was wonderful with how she handled mom. She had mom on her side within minutes of us sitting in the exam room. She was very good. Very complimentary of mom's skin, how young she looked, how nobody would ever guess her to be 72, etc. Yea, she was winning mom over! Then she brought out the MME test that mom was given in December 2007. She scored slightly better than back then!! Still below "Normal", she scored 25 out of possible 30 points. She missed "What day is this?", "What month is this?", calendar related questions. When she was asked what season is this, I held my breath. Lately, after several warm days of mom sitting out in her swing, it turned cold again, for like a week, and mom has made the statement how she was not ready for winter again, being couped up in her house for another long winter. No matter how many times I would try and point out that the trees were green, the birds were singing, the grass has been mowed, the flowers are blooming, mom it is spring, this is just one of the last cold spells that Missouri is famous for in the spring. Winter, Spring, and yes, even summer thrown in the same week, typical weather for us in the spring. Last week we had a few 75 and 80 degree days!! So, anyway, I held my breath, thinking mom was going to say winter. But, by george, she said, "Spring! The birds are singing, the flowers are blooming!" Praise the Lord!! And no, we did not have a discussion that morning about the season. I didn't get there to pick mom up until 1:15, and her appointment was at 1:45. So, yea, I had to remind her why I was there, and get her up and moving to put on her makeup and get ready to go. No time for chit chat. So, I did not prompt her on her test questions. I did not know that they were going to give her that test again. But the other praise report, is that when given 3 things to remember, repeated back to the doctor, then after several other questions, mom was able to recall 2 of the 3 things! The last time, she could not recall any of them, wouldn't even try. But, back then, she was mad about even being at the doctor, and the doctor handled her differently, and it was within a week of my dad's funeral. So, yea, mom was rattled on that day. Her memory issues are way more noticeable and directly related to her tiredness and her stress level. Mess with her routine, and yep, she is worse. Noticebly worse. But, in her normal routine, many have called me in the past two weeks just to tell me how they had seen mom, or talked to mom, or visited with mom, and how they thought she was doing better. Praise the Lord for those dear friends that help me to know that I am not in denial when it comes to mom and her condition. I freely admit she has memory issues. I freely admit she is worse on some days than others. But I also freely admit, she is not ready for round the clock care yet. I do admit, that would make my life easier, and yes, more relaxed, knowing that someone was caring for mom, watching over her. But, until mom progresses further than where she is now, that just is not an option. Even though she is testing "Slight dementia/Alzheimer's", she is still capable of taking care of herself. Maybe not at the level we would like, but still at a level that is safe. Just because she is not performing at the level we would, does not make the level she is at, unacceptable or unable to live alone. And, I admit, it made me feel much better to know that she has not been to the doctor to be checked out, since December, 2007, and yet has not progressed further, or worse. Actually, tested better. So, maybe, if we continue to let mom remain independent, in her home, her place of security, she will perhaps not progress quickly. Right now, the repetition is just a minor annoyance, when compared to what she would decline to if we removed her independence. I went to the feed store this past week, and my friend that runs that store, his mom is in Crystal Oaks, in Festus with Alzheimer's. We got to talking, the store was empty, except for him and I, and we talked for nearly an hour!! He admitted that his sister, who lives in Festus, is the main care-giver for his mom, and he was always differing in his opinion of how she should handle this or that. He said, my sister finally got in my face one day, and said to me, when you start coming up here and spending as much time with mom as me, then you can have an opinion of what I should do or how I should do it, but until then, back off. He said, I took that challenge, and started going up there more, and spending time with mom, just sitting with her, and yes, I could see what my sister was talking about. It truly helped our relationship, and I began to support her more in her decisions. He said, it was hard for me to give up that time. I run a business here, I have my own family, and yes, it was a sacrifice that had to be made. But, he admitted, we get along alot better now, and agree alot more on mom. I asked him how they came to the decision to move his mom to a facility. He shared many details, helping me to be convinced that mom is not there yet. In fact, she is a long way from there. But even as bad as his mom was when they moved her to a facility, I asked him, if you had a do over, would you wait longer. He said, honestly? Yes. I asked him if his mom declined further, after she was moved from her home, and he admitted, yes she did. He advised me, "Deb, if you can leave your mom in her own home as long as you possibly can do, she will be better, easier to get along with, easier to handle. Trust me." And, I have gotten that advice from so many people who are walking this path that I am walking. People who I consider to be experts, since they have been on the path way longer than me. Even the Alzheimer's Association advises to not move them from their home, their security blanket, their routine, until all options have failed in keeping them safe at home. So, as much as I would dearly love to move mom, whether it be to live with my sister in Colorado, or with me, either way, I will continue to do whatever it takes to allow her to stay in her home. Even if that means I put 100 miles round trip on my vehicle, every time I go to moms. Even if that takes me away from my family and my responsibilities here at home on a regular basis. She's my mom, and I love her, and I want her to be happy. Right now, that means allowing her to stay in her home, alone. While we were sitting out in the swing last week, I did tell her about my good report I got from the doctor. She brought it up, she asked me if I was still getting treatments. I told her I was, and that I was responding to treatments. She asked how I knew, so I told her that the doctors couldn't feel the lumps anymore, and even had said they appeared to be gone! She said, "When did you get this news?" I said, last week. She said, and you didn't tell me?? Debra Faye, that is news you should share with your mother! I said, mom, you don't like to talk about it, and have told me and everyone else that, so I don't bring up anything about it. If you ask me, I will tell you. And you asked me! She said, well, from now on, if it's good news, share it with me. I agreed to do so. Momma, some days she is just normal. I love those days. As for my cancer, I am responding to treatments, and my life is the same as my Pre-cancer life, on most days. I am a mom, who prefers to stay at home with my children, and love on them, teach them, and enjoy my life here on my farm. I love sitting on my deck with my coffee in the mornings, and watching my humming birds, which are up to about 25 now! Yes, I love the view from my deck of my fields turning green, my hay fields beginning to "wave" at us. I love watching my kids ride their horses. Yesterday, one of my husbands contractor friends had come down to ride. He brought his real estate agent who works with him selling his houses. We told them, that Wednesday was chemo day, and that we would not be here, but they were welcome, the kids would be here and would help them get saddled up and supervise them. I do have an 18 year old, a 17 year old, and a 14 year old, who are good riders, and are capable of that job. I did, however, give my kids direction on which horses I thought would better suit their needs, city folks who think they are experienced riders, because they "have been on a horse before". We have already been down that road more than once, and seen those folks on the ground, and the horse still running away from them. So, yea, I don't care who you are, or how important you are in our business life, you are not coming to my farm, picking out which horse you would rather ride, and mounting up and riding away.....alone. Not going to happen. Horses are not like four wheelers. You can go to the barn, pick out a four wheeler, get on it, turn it on, and ride away. It will not try and run you into trees, to rake you off, or go where you don't stear it. And if you get afraid, you can take your hand off of the throttle and it will stop, right where you want it to. You can get off, walk away, and walk back and it will let you get right back on, no attitude. A horse, now that is a different story. They do have a mind of their own, and will sense that you have anxiety, or fear. And yes, will test you and your ability to control them. And yes, given any indication at all that you are not in control, will take control and go where they want, and more often than not, at a faster rate than you may be comfortable with. I told my kids, you can give them space, privacy, but keep them in eye sight at all time. If you see trouble brewing, get up there and handle it before it gets out of control, and we have a horse running through the field with the person on their back pulling on the reins trying to stop them, and the horse already determined they ain't stopping until they get to the barn. Well, they were still here when we got back home from chemo, and were sitting on the deck, having some ice water and ice tea. With all my kids, sitting around them, chatting with them, teehee. Yes, they had a good ride, but with a story to tell. Apparently, the horse the lady was on, when traveling all the way to the bottom field, had decided, far enough. The horse decided to lay down and rest a bit....with her on his back. As he went down, her legs caught herself, and she just sort of rolled/stepped off, so she was fine, just a little startled that the horse would do that. Yep, that is what I refer to as the horse having a mind of it's own. When he's tired, he's done. Thankfully, he didn't decide to throw her off, or run back to the barn!! She said, he laid down, I got off, he stood back up, and I got back on, no trouble. But, she said, laughing, we came back to the barn, which I guess is what he wanted and was trying to tell us. But the contractor called back last nite, to again tell us what a wonderful time they had, and what wonderful kids we had. He said, "I have never seen so many kids, in one spot, be so well behaved." Thank you Earl!! Even without mom and dad there to make them!! LOL!! By the time we got home, Kate was gone to work, so the "so many kids" that were here, were Adam Richard (17), Jessica (14), Ethan (12), Kimberly (10), Kassidy (9) and Emma Jean (4). So, yea, six children, which I guess to most people is a lot of kids. To me? Gee, they are thinning out! I am used to having way more than that! When I had ten kids at home, they always had friends, so I always had way more than 10 kids here. I love my life, I do. I am blessed. Financial problems and shortages now, yes. Cancer, yes. Mom with slight dementia/alzheimers, yes. Problems in life are a given, misery is optional. Thank you Lord, for walking this walk with me, right beside me, constantly reminding me that you are there, and you care about even the little details in my life. I could not want to walk this path without my Lord. I don't know how those people who do not have their hope in Jesus even deal with one moment of their life. I would not even want to try.

2009-04-18T20:05:00.002-05:00

Hello folks. This has been a long week for me. I don't know how your week has been, but mine has been incredibly busy. It started out with a crazy Monday! After I made my normal phone call to my mom, to make sure she's doing ok, and didn't need anything, I received a phone call from her friend, Ms. T an hour or so later. She just needed to tell me that she had tried to call mom and got the answering machine, complete with daddy's voice. It never fails to catch people off guard when they call mom and get daddy's voice on the answering machine. She was a little "unsettled" by that, and wanted to know if I knew where mom was. I told her that I had talked to her this morning, and she had not mentioned any plans for the day. Maybe she was just sitting out in the swing and forgot to take the phone out with her. Ms. T said she would just try and call her again later. Well, I tried to call mom about every 20 minutes or so for the rest of the day. Not that I was worried or anything, teehee. But it was my daughter, Kassidy's birthday, so I was baking a cake and doing birthday preparations anyway, so I would just periodically try and call mom. Finally, later that afternoon, I got her on the phone. I said, "Where have you been all day!?" She just laughed and said that someone had called and invited her to join the seniors from FBC-Festus on a trip to Arnold to hear the Lester's sing, and have lunch with them, so she drove her car down to the church parking lot, and got on the bus with them! I said, mom, it wouldn't break you to just call me every now and then. She said, "it's long distance to call you! You need to move closer!" I laughed and said, "or you need to move closer to me! And since neither of us are willing to move, why don't you just spend 10 cents and call me! That seems a whole lot easier than either of us moving!" I try and not worry about my mom, I know God is in control. But, I'm telling you, my life would be a whole lot easier if my mom would dial the phone!! Oh well, just a small bump in this road I am on. One of many. Oh well, I just have to share the good news I got from the doctor this week. The first doctor came in and couldn't feel the lump at all! She went out, and brought in Dr. Ellis, and he said, "hmm, it appears to be gone! I don't feel any lumps at all either!" I said, "well, Praise the Lord!". He went on to say, that it was not uncommon for the chemo to shrink the cancer completely, but that he needed me to know that if that were the case, it does not change the plan of attack. We will still be doing surgery. Because, we cannot be completely sure the cancer is gone until we do surgery. We cannot be completely sure that there is NO lymph node involvement, until we do surgery. So, folks, even though I got a good report, as far as how my cancer is responding to the treatments, it appears we will still continue on. We talked of some other details concerning when the surgery would be, they confirmed that yes, I would be doing radiation as well. And that the reconstruction surgery would not be done until the skin from the surgery and radiation was completely healed. And that would probably not be until the first of 2010. Joy..... But I just wanted to share with you all. Thanks for your prayers. This week, coming up, is shaping up to be another busy week. Monday, I will go up and spend the day with mom. Monday night, will be my monthly Homeschool Support Group meeting. Wednesday, of course, is chemo day. Thursday, Nancy Leigh DeMoss is going to be at a church in St. Louis, and I would dearly love to go hear her speak. I am not sure, at this point if I will be able to work it out, considering how busy the week is already shaping up to be. Friday, Adam Richard turns 17, so birthday plans are in the works. Saturday I have a book club meeting at Paula's house that morning, and that night, a girlfriend has provided me tickets to go and hear Steven Curtis Chapman and Michael W. Smith!! So, yea, this week is going to be one crazy week. Of course, throw normal life into that mix, and I will be running all week. After all, I do live on a live working farm, complete with animals to care for, and I also am the book-keeper for my husband's concrete flatwork business. And yes, I also am the teacher, principal and superintendent of our school. Add being a mom and grandma, and some days I meet myself coming and going!! But tonight, Saturday night, we are all at home together, doing baths, finding clothes for in the morning, and enjoying the best part of the evening together.

2009-04-14T19:37:00.002-05:00

Hello there folks! I know, I have not been very diligent in keeping everyone "in the loop" with my life. And how I know this, is I am beginning to receive emails from people asking me which treatment I am on, or how many more do I have to do, or asking how I am doing with them this time. Here is the scoop. I have done 3 treatments of the weekly doses of Taxol and Herceptin so far. I have 9 more to go. I will finish with my last treatment June 10th. After that, my oncologist says we will do the mastectomy. He says, regardless of what they find with the mammograms or biopsy between now and then. "Even if we find nothing, we will still do the surgery. Because without the surgery, we can not be completely sure of what is left or whether it is in the lymph nodes or not." Until the surgery, we cannot be 100% sure if lymph nodes are involved or not. And cancer cells are microscopic, so we could biopsy you and go in right past a cancer cell, and totally miss it, and bring out a clean sample. So we MUST do the surgery. And they had told me they wanted to do the surgery in June. But because of different factors going on in my life, I have asked them if they could move it to July. They have not given me an answer yet. I have an appointment with my surgeon in May, and from there we will determine an exact date for surgery. This routine of weekly treatments have not been as hard on me as the first 12 weeks. The first 12 weeks consisted of one treatment every 21 days, and because they were spaced out like that, the dose was larger, and therefore, yes, harder on my system and body. But because I am now on a weekly routine, the dose is not as large, and therefore, easier for my system to handle. I still fight the fatigue, but I have no nausea, or at least it is not as bad. If I let myself get overly tired, and have to deal with something yuk, then yes, I feel a bit nauseous. But if I am careful with my energy bank, and don't let myself get overly tired, then I don't have to deal with the nausea!! I do have a couple of other minor side effects that are mostly just an annoyance. I have nose bleeds on a fairly regular basis. They are not bad, just annoying. They generally stop within a few minutes of starting. I also have minor bone pain, that feels more like little jabs of pain in my ovaries or my hips, and sometimes my shins. Again, it doesn't stop me, just annoys me. Now, you have all been brought up to speed in my cancer walk! Let's move on to the rest of my life. My mom is doing great! Last week she walked over to her neighbor's house and that neighbor was nice enough to drop me an email to let me know that she thought mom seemed perky and upbeat, and "as normal as the next guy". I always love to get that kind of validation from other people in mom's life. I know she has her bad days. But she still has enough good days to make the bad days bearable. She is having a hard time with this silly Missouri weather of late. It goes from a couple of beautiful sunny days, 70's outside, sitting in her swing, to a "hard freeze" and back into the 30's and 40's that forces her back into the house, sitting inside in her recliner. Her moods are directly affected by the sunshine, and her ability to get outside!! As most of you know, the holidays always give me a little bit of a problem with trying to work out the logistics of trying to get mom to my house. I don't live around the corner from her. I actually live 45 miles south of her. I go to church 20 miles south of my house. In the past, daddy and momma would drive down to my house for holiday celebrations. Now, momma doesn't like to drive on the interstate, and especially not when it is raining. She still drives back and forth to church, or to her local things like bible study at FBC Festus-Crystal City or the bank. Every day, all week long, I kept reminding her that this Sunday was Easter, trying to get a feel for whether or not she wanted to drive down herself, or have someone come get her and bring her down. She never really would comment like she had a preference one way or another. So, I began to try and put some plans together, like plan A, plan B, etc. You know me, I like to have a plan, LOL. Plan A seemed to be working, then ended up not working. Plan B then came into play. Plan B was what we ended up going with. So, Saturday night, I call mom and remind her about the plan in the morning, the plan for Easter Sunday. Sunday morning, I called her at 8 o'clock and again, remind her that today is Easter Sunday, and that Jenna will be there at 9 o'clock to pick her up and bring her down to our church, then to my house for Easter dinner. She sounded like she "got it". But when Jenna got there at 9, mom was sitting out in her swing, in her jeans. Jenna, not wanting to confront Grandma, let her get in her car with her, and they started down the highway. When Jenna turned down 67 highway, towards Fredericktown and my church, instead of down 55 South towards my house, Grandma began to question her where she was going. When Jen said, "to church Grandma, it's Easter Sunday", well, mom got more than a little upset. She began to give Jen a lot of static about taking her to church in jeans. Mom was seriously upset. Jen ended up calling me, asking how to handle Grandma, what she should do. I said, if mom doesn't want to go to church, then take her to the house, we'll be on home after church. I didn't think it was something my daughter should have to deal with, so I was trying to make it easier on Jen, and make mom happy. Well, Jen was able to deal with mom, and they both showed up at church on time. Mom was fussing as she came through the door. I tried to reassure her that what she was wearing was fine. It was the drama anyway, so the lights were dimmed, and people were running around in costume anyway. We got settled in, and mom began to relax a bit. The service was wonderful, and the drama was really really good. Afterwards, we all divided up into separate vehicles and made our way to my home for the feast! We had a wonderful day, of good food and lots of family time. The crisis feeling that the morning started out with slowly began to subside, and we all relaxed and had a good time. Around 7:30 or so, Kelly loaded up mom and they left. Kell got her settled into her recliner, and then left to head back up to her apartment in the city. Monday, mom spent the day with the seniors from FBC-Festus Crystal City, at FBC-Arnold, at a senior luncheon and singing. She was gone most of the day, and had a good time being with lots of old friends and actually getting out and about again. The weather has not been good for that lately. Today, I took the tax returns up there, and we sat at the table and got the needed checks filled out and attached and all buttoned up to be mailed. We then worked on getting all her bills written out and in envelopes. After we got everything prepared, we went to the post office and put everything in the mail. Yippee! Everything is done, and taken care of, at least for the month of April, teehee. After we got all our "chores" done for the day, we went and had lunch together at Captain D's. All in all, it was a wonderful day. Mom was good, and seemed to be upbeat. Thanks for all the prayers, folks, I am still standing in the need of prayer. Tomorrow, is Wednesday. Tomorrow, I will spend my day, all day, at Barnes hospital. Labs, doctor's appointment, and chemo. My husband will be taking me, and even though I will be sleeping through most of the chemo treatment, Keith will be faithfully there beside me, playing Freecell.

2009-04-05T19:11:00.002-05:00

I hope you all are enjoying this Palm Sunday. This is the time of year I get out my Resurrection Tree, and we read daily scriptures that tell the events that happened the week before Resurrection Day. We started this tradition when Nick and Kell were small. We made the tree, and we made the small ornaments that correspond with each days events. It helps re-focus my kids away from the world's attempt to move the focus away from the spiritual meaning. This day is not about chocolate bunny rabbits and candy. It is the season we celebrate what Christ did for us, the price He paid for us. Today, we hung small felt palm leaves on the tree. We read the scriptures that tell the story of Jesus entering the city on a donkey, while the people waved palm fronds, and laid them down for the donkey to walk on. In those days it was a way of honoring a king, and a way of cutting down the dust that was caused by the animals. Because I have but one ornament for most days, it has become the tradition for the youngest to hang the ornament on the tree. I love this time of year. I love the time I get to spend with my kids, teaching them spiritual truths. You only get the chance to teach them for such a very short time, before they are grown and gone, making their own decisions and choices.

I am now in the part of this journey, that I go to St. Louis every Wednesday. It is not a fun walk, but it is doable. I feel the prayers of the people praying for me. Thank you so much. I so appreciate all the help from all my friends. Thank you Paula for taking mom to breakfast. I so enjoyed the worship service this morning. I always enjoy being with my church family at Calvary Temple. They are such wonderful people, so caring, and such a praying people. Thank you for all the cards and letters guys. I love you so much.

2009-04-02T00:01:00.002-05:00

We left the house yesterday morning at 6:30 am. My very faithful husband and I. It has rained every other day for the past week. Wednesday, it was beautiful. I urged him to work, I have several friends that have offered to take me. It's no big deal....it will be fine. He wasn't buying it. We arrived at the 7th floor labs to get my blood drawn. Again, my trusty port did what it was expected to do. It worked!! No pain when they accessed it! I have learned the art of applying the lidocaine creme on it in generous portions so that I don't feel any pain when they access it. My lab appointment was at 8:15 am. I was called back by 8:20. Then I signed in for the chemo lab appointment by 8:30. My appointment was not until 9. They called me back there within 10 minutes....wow! I told them about the Benedryl knocking me out. They called Dr. Ellis and got the dosage adjusted. This time wasn't as bad as last time, but it still knocked me out, just slower, and not as long. I vaguely remember Keith nudging me a couple times, because I was beginning to snore, teehee. We were leaving the hospital by 12:30!! Jen had called asking us to come where she works for lunch. So, once leaving there, we went to have lunch at the Tap Room on Locust Street, downtown St. Louis. Yum! Then we drove through the loop, and headed for Kell and Jen's new apartment. Keith made his walk through inspection. We then drove around the neighborhood, again, getting a feel for it. We then headed south, leaving the city. We stopped in to visit with his mom and dad. We don't do that often enough these days. It was a wonderful visit, and Jean being Jean, brought out food and fed us. She said she had fixed a roast for Sunday and no one had come!! So, she brought it out, and heated it up. I laughed, and said, "Now Jean, next time you are putting roast in, and wanting company, don't leave it up to chance, call me!! I can bring veggies, and add to it! Call us!! At around 6:30, we left there and stopped at FBC Festus to pick up a book and some dvds and it is Wednesday night, so we visited with several people there as well. It is so good to visit with people we miss spending time with and seeing on a regular basis. And I think it is good for them to see me, up walking around, being "normal". It helps slow down the tendency to "embellish the story" when talking of how I am doing and my cancer. This is not leukemia, and such a different walk, not nearly as hard as the walk we were on with my daddy. There are hard days, but they are sprinkled in and around good days, so God is faithful to help me continue to be positive, even though this is a hard path to walk, that no one wants to walk. I did ask my doctor about the weight gain, and that is a side effect of the steroids. Weight gain, go figure. I teasingly asked Keith last nite, "it's a good thing this happened to us after 29 years of marriage. Because, otherwise, it would be so much harder to know that you still will love me and be attracted to a 51 year old fat and bald woman!" He's such a good sport about all of it. A real trooper, that man. He's not exactly what I prayed for, LOL, but he is the answer God gave me, and for that I am eternally grateful. I love him. He is such a good caring man. That is the best part of faith, knowing that even if we don't know what we want, God does. He not only knows what we want, He knows what we need. I love the peace that comes with knowing that. I can truly trust the God that created the universe, to know what I need and want for every situation. As I have shared with you before, things have been so tight these past few months. Saturday, we had some very dear friends come for a visit. They brought in food, and brought fellowship as well!! They handed us a card, and encouraged us to open it now. It included a love offering. God had laid it upon their hearts to help us out financially. I cried. It is hard to accept what society has deemed "charity", but I know better than to argue with God, or God's people. We accepted that gift, and are just so amazed, yet again, at how big God is. And the day is not over yet. When the kids brought in the mail, there was a big envelope from BJC (Barnes Jewish Children's). Now, that is also how some of my bills/statements come. So, thinking, great, here is a bill. I opened it up, and it had words that alluded to the fact that it was some sort of partial refund from an overpayment we had paid on the acount for Kimberly Govero. Now for those of you that don't know, or remember, when Kimmy was 18 months old, she had a hole in her lung, and spent a week in Children's hospital, connected to machines that kept her lung from collapsing. Which, keeping an 18 month old still enough to not pull the machines apart from her and cause beepers to alarm the personnel, was more of an issue than all the medical issues combined. And, to put it in perspective, I was pregnant with Kassy, while leaning over the hospital bed to care for my baby girl and keep her still and happily occupied with still activities. Memories.... Anyway, we had no insurance, so we were setup as self pay, uninsured. We paid a monthly payment on the over $17xxx bill for the next 5 years. It was like us making a car payment, only on my daughter! Well, according to this notice, they had determined (8 years later??) that we were overcharged, as uninsured, and overpaid, and they were refunding some of that! It was a check for $4126.26!!! Wow, what a day!! I just cried and cried most of that day. God is sooo big, and so incredibly good to us. Needless to say, I spent that money Monday, paying alot of our over 90 days bills. I did not use that for any that are due now. Only for the "old" ones. Praise the Lord!! On another note, mom was not having a good week this week at all. Her good days and bad days can be directly connected to the weather. We have had some yuk weather this week, rain, wet snow, cloudy cloudy days. These days she can't sit out in her swing, she won't get out and drive in it (PTL!), so she is stuck in the house, by herself, and she gets lonely and depressed. I helped Kell and Jen move this week, so Tuesday, I was on the way up there with a loaded truck, and called mom to see if she wanted me to stop by and pick her up, so she could ride up and see their new place. She said, sure, I'll be ready! So, we stopped in, rearranged all the stuff in the back seat, making room for Adam to move to the back seat, so we could put mom in the front. Then knocked on the door, and mom answered, still in her gown, no makeup, nothing. Mom! You said you wanted to go with us, and you would be ready. She said, it's raining, I don't go out in the rain! I said, mom, it's sprinkling, and besides, my truck is clean and dry, and we will be sitting in the apartment while they carry the stuff in, and we will be clean and dry. I'll wait, go get dressed! It's not big deal, we'll wait. She would not be moved. So, finally I gave up, and loaded the boys back up and we left her there. By the time we got to Kell and Jen's, the clouds were breaking up, the sun was popping out, and it was a nice day. But, mom was sitting in her house, alone, circling words in her word book. I could just tell it was not going to be one of her good days. She was more confused than normal. When we left the apartment, we stopped in to visit with mom. When she answered the door, she saw the sun shining! I said, lets sit out in the swing for a little while. We did! The boys grabbed her basketball, and began to play while we watched. She asked questions, like "when is Beck coming through?" "June, this summer, that is their vacation." "What month is this?" "March" "Oh, this is my birthday month!" "Yes! You turned 72 last week! Remember? We had cake, ice cream, presents, out to lunch at Bandanas, Jen and Kell came and cooked for you that night?" "Hmm, I guess". I could tell, she was not remembering that. I hate these days. It is so hard to see her on those days. I prefer the perky days!!! But, I kept reminding her that tomorrow would be Wednesday, her Bible Study day. Sure enough, when I called her Wednesday morning, from the waiting room, she said, I am sitting out in my swing, but I am planning on going down to the bible study at 1 o'clock. She sounded a little better, but still somewhat down. I called her again around 1:30, and sure enough, got the answering machine with my daddy's voice on it. That always gets me again. But sometimes, I do call it when I know she is not there, just to hear it. When I called her last nite, she sounded much better, perky!! We talked of the bible study, and how she loved to be with the people, and hear a good Bible Study teacher. Thank you Lord!! Love hearing my momma more like my momma. We then talked of Kell and Jen's new apartment issues, and filled her in on those details. But, ended the day last nite, on a good note...momma was better. This morning, I got the answer machine again. So, my friend Paula had talked of taking her to breakfast on Thursday, so even though mom didn't mention it last nite, maybe, that happened?? Or, she was in the swing without the phone.....again. I will try again later. God is good. Have a good day folks! I am finishing up tax returns!! Can't wait until they are all done!! Ugh, I hate this time of the year!! Thanks for the prayers folks....I truly can feel them. God is doing a good work in me. And he is patient with me, the headstrong, pushy, domineering and severe Adams girl. Teehee

2009-03-27T09:07:00.000-05:00

When someone is truly unhappy, and truly not at all content, it usually shows up in ways that others can read. You can try and hide it by making it appear that you are happy by talking of things you love. You can decorate your home with a theme of that love. You can buy jewelry that also shows others what it is that you admire or love. You can even go so far as to adorn your body with "body art" that shows the world where your heart is. I also believe that as a Godly woman, we have the responsibility to dress and act "in a manner worthy of the gospel"(Philippians 1:27) I am constantly fighting that battle with my daughters, asking them to pay more attention to modesty, and the message they are sending out by their choices in dress. Immodest clothing may cause a brother or sister in Christ to stumble with impure thoughts. I am not comfortable by the trend that is considered fashionable now to wear very thin (see through) layer over something that appears to be a "cami" or a colored bra. I am old school, and think that as a Christian woman, a Godly woman, I am to set the example. Therefore, I try and limit the amount of skin I show between my neck and knees. I tell my girls to ask the question, what is my goal here? Why am I dressing this way? Am I trying to draw attention to myself by my apparel? Am I trying to draw attention to a certain area of my body? Whose attention am I trying to get? Not that I have cleavage, but I have never felt comfortable in allowing it to show. I have always felt uncomfortable around women who do. Someone said to me that we cannot control what others think. I disagree. The battle for purity starts in the mind. Two great men in the Bible, Samson and David, were brought down because they first had lustful thoughts and then they acted upon them. An action is first conceived in the mind. Therefore, I believe, we must not only guard our own thought life, but help others with theirs. I myself love to dance. I do! It is fun! But, the places you have to go to enjoy that fun, is not acceptable to me as a Godly woman. I know the power that a woman's body has over a man. I also know that men who frequent those places, when they are there alone, they are not there because they love to dance. They are there with a woman, or in hopes to get a woman. So, for a married Godly Christian woman to be there without the proper protection of her God-given husband is just wrong in my eyes. And since my husband is a man, I would not want to put him in the situation of watching other women dance, and possibly arousing him. So, for those reasons, I chose to lay down that particular activity and walk away. I always try and make my decisions based upon "benefit". Will this benefit my witness? Will this hamper my witness. Because, above all, I want others to know I am a Christian woman, I am a Godly woman, I am a married woman, I am a mother.

As far as the drinking goes, everyone who knows me knows my reasons for how I feel about that. Just because something is not a "sin", does not mean it is good and again, it goes back to the question, "will this help my witness or hurt my witness?" No matter how much one enjoys doing something, if it causes someone to question their relationship with the Lord, based on their actions when they are "having fun", then I feel it best to lay that activity down at the Lord's feet. Again, a decision based upon what others think of me, yes. That is called "reputation" and "character". So, when I hear someone say, a Christian say, "I can't help what others think", it saddens me. Because, honestly, yes you can, you just don't care enough to try. Your reputation and your character is exactly that....what others think of you. When you say you can't help it, what it really means is you don't want to give up the fun in your life. That fun is more important to you than what others think of you. I dealt with that battle in the first years of my marriage. My husband truly was controlled by that evil. He was the "life of every party". He looked forward to it, found ways to do it. He had "friends" that did all these things, and they were not in the habit of caring whether or not he had a good marriage. Their marriages were sad and miserable, and they commiserated with each other, fueled each other's discontent. So they were only interested in trying to have a good time. Today? Everyone in my wedding album that stood on the side of Keith is divorced, at least once, some twice. Once the Lord revealed to me that what was coming out of my mouth was worse than what was going into his, I backed off, and began to truly turn it over to the Lord. I began to try my best to make my husband happy, and let God make him Holy. I truly allowed God to change my heart towards my husband. I did not respect him at first either. But once I began to respect him, honor him and love him, God truly did a miracle in our marriage. When we turn our lives and fears over to God, we are free to accept our husbands for who they are and the role they play in our lives. I truly worked at making Keith my best friend. I tried to love what he loved. I made the effort. I worked on the one side of the equation in my marriage I could work on.....me. I quit praying God would change him, and prayed, "Lord, change me". Once I truly began to love Keith, the way Keith needed to be loved, what we had between us blossomed. My marriage went from living hell to heaven on earth. I know that physical love, physical touch is so very very important to a man. It truly is their way of measuring how much we love them. So, more often than not, it is my gift to him, as my husband. Whether I feel like it or not, I make the effort to go the extra mile, for his sake. I know what a difference it makes in his well being, his "man-hood" so to speak. It makes him feel respected as a man, if his wife shows him physical love willingly. So, bottom line, I quit praying for grace to do this, and I quit praying that God would change Keith. I simply began to do whatever is necessary to make my husband happy. Whatever it was. The change in Keith as he began to see that I "loved and respected" him, was nothing short of a miracle worked by God.

I feel it is very important to spend good quality time with happy contented wives. This is a support system that can't be denied. When you spend time with those that are not happy with their husbands, and they share that fact with you often, it tends to breed discontent in your own marriage. Seek out those that will help you be a better wife to your husband. Those Godly women that will encourage you in your disappointments and frustrations. Steer clear of those that would offer you advice such as ...your right, that's wrong, he shouldn't do that, you deserve better than that, blah blah blah. Seek out and find a good solid support group of godly women who earnestly try and make their husbands happy. If their husband is not happy, they diligently try harder to figure out what they can do to make him happy. Not seek out like-minded, unhappy, frustrated women who resent the fact that their husbands are not what they had dreamed of.

So, I guess in short, I would say you need:
1)to be more CONTENT with the location God has you in. Bloom and blossom where He has planted you.
2)and the husband God has you with. Love that man! Make him happy!

Contentment is not getting what you want, it is wanting what you have.
Marriage is not supposed to make you happy, it's supposed to make you married.
It's your job, your calling, to make your (husband) marriage happy, and satisfying.
And, give up whatever activity that doesn't say to the world that Jesus is your First Love.

2009-03-26T08:41:00.002-05:00

We left the house yesterday morning, Wednesday, March 25th, at 7:30am. We got to the hospital for labs and signed in at 9:00. We were done and going in to sign in at my Oncologist's office by 9:45. That took a bit longer, since today was the first chemo with the new drugs. Today was the first of the "new" schedule of 12 weekly visits with these new drugs. So there was much to discuss. I did ask them all my questions regarding side effects, neutropenia fears and length, crowd "control", time schedule with healing, how far after finish is surgery, how long it takes to recoup from surgery, travel plans in September, and what I had read on the net regarding other issues. They answered them to my satisfaction. We then walked across the street to grab some lunch at St. Louis Bread Company before going to the chemo labs. The chemo labs took sooo long! We were in and sitting in the recliner by about 12:05. There were several new "pre-meds" this time because of the new drugs. Every time they brought in a new bag or syringe, I was saying, "what is that, and what is it for?" They gave all these new pre-meds through my port, so yea, straight to the veins, baby. Pepsid!! I said, "like heartburn meds Pepcid?" "yes mam". Ok, so a huge side effect is going to be heartburn or stomach issues. Then the steroid, Dexamethasone (Decodron). Then an anti-nausea drug, with a name I didn't recognize, so it was different. And then the Benedryl. Since I have taken Benedryl before, it was the one I was the least worried about. LOL! Boy was I wrong! They had already told me about giving me that because of the worry about allergic reactions to the new drugs. But, folks, when they give you Benedryl through your veins, the response from your body is way different than the tsp you take when you get a bee sting, or have poison ivy, or even itchy watery eyes. They put that stuff in my body somewhere around 1:30 or so. I don't remember anything else until say 4:30!! And when I woke up, I was wiping drool off of my chin! I asked Keith if I was snoring!! He laughed and said, if you had been laying down, I think you would have, babe, you were solid gone. I had my laptop, I was trying to get online and do things, but I could feel myself getting sleepy, so I handed Keith my laptop, and said, man, I can hardly keep my eyes open. Each of these drugs were given over a time period of say, 15-30 minutes each. Then finally, the Paclitaxol (90 minutes) and the Herceptin (60 minutes). So, it was a long day. I had told my mom that I would stop sometime in the afternoon. Well, the afternoon was gone! We were in rush hour traffic on the way up and on the way home. And, I was still very groggy from the Benedryl. I was thinking, give me my bed and my pillow, and I'll see you tomorrow! I texted my sis, and ask her to call mom and see if she even remembered I was supposed to stop by, because if she didn't, I was south-bound and down. The good news is, mom didn't remember I had even said that. I did call her later, like 9 or so, and she didn't ask me what happened to me today, why I didn't come by!! Praise the Lord! We just talked of normal things, and she sounded fine. Today is my mom's birthday!! I feel great!! Thank you Lord!! She had mentioned going to the Grief Support Group meeting at the Associational office today. She asked if I wanted to go with her. I reluctantly agreed. Of course, that was Monday or Tuesday. I am not sure about going to something like that on her birthday. So, I am getting my ducks in a row here on the farm, then I am headed up there to take her to lunch today. The Grief Support meeting is at 1 o'clock. We'll play it by ear. Maybe, next week, we'll start going to the Grief Support meetings?? I do want her to go. That would give her another "outing" weekly. But, when she gets out, she mainly just goes where she is going, and comes home. So, I thought at the very least today, we would go for a drive around, looking at all the Bradford Pear trees blooming, and flowers blooming. Everything is so pretty and green, and the sun is shining today, so it will be a pretty day to be out and about, getting her out of the house today! And, Kell and Jen are planning on going to the grocery store, getting some really good food, and coming to mom's tonight and cooking dinner for her! We offered to take her out, but mom's suggestion was, "why don't we have our chef come and cook dinner for us!" So, there's our plan for mom's birthday! And, again, PRAISE THE LORD!! I FEEL GOOD ENOUGH TO BE A PART OF ALL THIS!!!!!

2009-03-21T08:34:00.002-05:00

Yes, I am still alive!! Teehee, it's just that once I crawl up out of the hole that the chemo puts me in, I hit the floor running. Time, anymore, is a precious thing to me, and I feel it has such limits on it anymore. When I feel good enough to do things, I try and get them done. I am aware that things could change any minute, so I don't take my day, well, I don't take any minute I get for granted anymore. I am also aware that there are so many side effects out there that are affecting girls on the very same drugs I am on, and yet, my side effects have been mild so far. For that, I am so very grateful. I do still have a couple sores in my mouth, and for that reason, I am limited to what I can eat. Because they are mild, and not a source of constant pain, I forget sometimes. I pulled into Taco Bell last week, I had the older girls with me, and I order my usual, two hard taco supremes. I took one bite, and was not so gently reminded that I could no longer eat hard crunchy tacos. Owwwwwyyyy!! Kate offered me her soft, but nah. I have always felt like that was like wrapping a piece of bread around taco fillings. Not for me, thank you. Give me good old fashioned crunchy corn taco shells. But, at this season of my life, mostly, I eat pasta alot (Thanks Robin!! It was nummmmy!) I also eat lots of baked potatoes. And because of numerous reasons, (time and energy being at the top of the list) I don't exercise as much as I used to. So, it stands to reason that I am going to gain weight. Ugh!!! At first it didn't bother me, because I kept rationalizing it in my mind. I am going to get sores, and can't eat, so I will lose weight. Or, this is where they will take the excess skin and fat to rebuild me when this is all over. But, the truth is, it is annoying. My jeans are getting tight!! So, I am making it a priority to start walking again.....no matter what. I will take the 45 minutes it takes me to walk to the second slab and back. That's the low water bridge a little over a mile down my road, past my house. I have clocked it with my car, and if I walk to the second slab and back, I will have walked a little over 2 miles. It does contain slight elevations, so it is not a flat walk, therefore, it gets my heart pumping!! And, plus, it is a beautiful walk, and once you walk down there, you kinda have to walk back, LOL! When on a treadmill, you can decide, that's enough, I'm done. Not so outside. That's the main reason I prefer outside. I am weak, don't mind admitting that!! I do love the walk down my road. There is very little traffic, and it is quiet, peaceful, and oh so beautiful. Often times, I make the 2 mile walk without any traffic. And no, I don't use an IPOD or any other technology to block out the natural sounds. I usually use that time to talk to the Lord about what is going on in my life. On a good day, I can make that walk in 45 minutes. My goal is to make it in 30. That's about as fast as I want to do it, otherwise, I would be running!! My sister, Becky, is a runner. Not a jogger, a runner. My daughter, Kelly runs every night as well. I am not a runner. I just don't have that desire. I want to get some exercise to keep me healthy, without the danger of me falling, LOL! I do have a praise report here. My mom is again taking the Aricept medicine! It was prescribed to her right after daddy left us, but she only took it for about 3 months, and then decided it wasn't helping, and she wasn't "going to take a pill the rest of her life". So she quit. The prescription expired. When she returned from her visit with her girlfriends in Little Rock, they apparently had helped to convince her that she should be taking it. She even sat there on the swing beside me while I called the pharmacy to see the status of the prescription. They told me it was expired, but that they could call the doctor and get it renewed! I was shocked! "You can do that? And she won't have to go get an examination??" They did it, and it was re-filled, and now mom has a bottle and is taking it. At least, she says she is. I won't know for sure until I go back up there and count them. But hey, that is a huge improvement, and I will take all the positive I can get. For mom to even talk about taking it is huge, much less, saying "Yes, I took it this morning with my toast!" Pray that she will continue to do so! I go next week for my new round of drugs and chemo. Wednesday, the 25th of March, I start my weekly treatments. The following day, March 26th is mom's birthday. As of right now, I am planning to take her out to lunch, probably to Cracker Barrel at the bottom of her hill. Last year, I wanted to take her somewhere else, and she "commented" how everything on the menu was sooo expensive. So, maybe this year, I will just go where I know she "approves" of the menu as well as the prices, teehee. It's her day.

I was supposed to get company this weekend! My sister from Chicago, Lois and her family, was due to come in last nite. Her kids are on Spring Break, and our kids are desperate to spend some time with each other. My kids were all marking x's on the calendar to mark "how many more days until Sullivan's get here?" And my Emma was asking daily, "Is Rachel out of school yet?" But, it was not meant to be, apparently. Lois called on Wednesday night to share that a couple of her kiddos had the sniffles, and not being sure if it was allergies or an infection/virus something something, she was not wanting to bring them here because of the obvious threat to me. But she did say that she had not shared her thoughts with Bryan yet, and he may still come to Missouri. She didn't know if he would come alone, or bring some of the children or what. She would let me know. Thursday, I spent most of the day at Barnes, getting my Muga Scan (heart scan test) in preparation for the next round of chemo drugs. When I got home Thursday night, my kids were all like, "have you talked to Lois? Are they still coming to Missouri? Which kids are sick? Are they leaving the sick ones home and bringing the well ones?" Of course, I didn't know the answers to any of those questions, and they were still putting supper on the table, so I sat down and opened my computer. I noticed Bryan was on-line, so I thought I would just ask him what the plans were, if they had come up with a plan yet. He said..."walking out the door to a school meeting, I'll call you from the car." In the mean time, Keith walked in and sat down on the couch beside me to watch the news. My phone rang, and it was Bryan. It was a short conversation, but the bottom line was....don't know yet. His mom has already taken the days off work Wednesday -Friday, so he felt like they would still come, and as of now, it would be him and all of them. So, us getting any of the kiddos together was not going to be an option. The kids were thinking, if it was the older kids sick, ones old enough to stay home alone, while Lois worked, then maybe getting the girls together, (Rachel, Manna & Becky) would still be an option, but after the short conversation with Bryan, I told the kids it just wasn't going to happen this time. That is the hardest part of this walk I am on, how it also affects my kids and what they are allowed to do. After I hung up the phone, I sat them all down, since they were all hanging around me anyway, waiting on the "verdict", and explained to them how I knew how they were all excited about getting together with their cousins, but at this point in my life, we as adults had to make the hard decisions. Bryan and Lois should not have to leave any of their kiddos home, especially since it sounded like they just had the sniffles, and therefore, that was not a big deal to anyone but me. It was wishful thinking that we would still be able to allow any of you to spend time with any of them. But the truth is, we could not take the chance of bringing any foreign "germs" into my home, because of the time it took for them to germinate into something that may or may not make any of my kids sick next week, being I would be starting new drugs, experimental drugs, and at this point didn't know how it would affect me or my immune system. So, hard choices had to be made, and I am sorry but we had to make smart choices, regardless of how upset it will make you. At this point, there were more important things to consider than "happy children". This too shall pass, and there will be plenty of other opportunities to get together, later down the road. Needless to say, there were lots of sad faces. Oh well. Just another bump in the road........

2009-03-14T20:24:00.002-05:00

Ok, let's start a discussion on relationships and friendships. I have been giving this some thought lately. How we tend to throw this terminology around pretty loosely. We are quick to call someone friend without having any real guidelines to go by. I mean, what constitutes a friend? Is it someone you talk to regularly? Someone you see regularly? Someone you spend time with regularly? How exactly do you decide who is a friend, and who is an acquaintance? And what is the difference between a friend, and someone you have a "relationship" with. The dictionary says that Relationship is:
1. The condition or fact of being related; connection or association.
2. Connection by blood or marriage; kinship.
3. A particular type of connection existing between people related to or having dealings with each other:

Ok, so there you have it. In plain black and white print. Obviously relationship is attained simply by kinship, by being related. Friendship on the other hand is different by definition.
Friendship is a term used to denote co-operative and supportive behavior between two or more people. In this sense, the term connotes a relationship which involves mutual knowledge, esteem, and affection and respect along with a degree of rendering service to friends in times of need or crisis. Let's think about that definition for a while. I feel very blessed to have friends such as this definition implies. Dear friends, that are now, and have always been... there for me. Friends that are there, when the rest of the world walks out. I am extremely thankful for them. It is those friends that are always there to lift me up, spiritually if that is my need. Physically if that is my need. They always seem to know when I need a phone call. They always seem to know when I need more than a phone call. They are God given blessings. They have been there to pray with me, as well as for me. They know me, inside and out. These are the people that I can count on to hold me accountable. I welcome their accountability. I love them, and thankfully, they love me. I do not seek the praises of mankind, but I appreciate the love and friendships I have. Yet, being as blessed as I am, I still from time to time, let my guard down, and mistakenly think that someone is my friend, when in reality, they are just relationships. And it is usually in those relationships that I sustain the most hurt. My daddy used to say, the greatest weakness is an un-guarded strength. I got comfortable, let my guard down, and bam, I am blindsided. I thought the relationship was strong, so I was not guarding it. I now realize it was not a friendship to begin with. I wanted it to be a friendship. I wanted it to be a friendship bad enough to believe that it was. Now I know you can't "force" a friendship. It is what it is, or it ain't. That's the cold hard truth of the matter. Like the old saying says, "you don't get to choose your relatives, but you can choose your friends". But the truth is, for it to work, the friends have to choose you back! Otherwise it is a one-sided relationship, with one of you doing all the work. That's not fair to either of you. And for it to really be a blessed friendship, there has to be trust. Without TRUST, there is no friendship, much less relationship. So, if you have friends, friends you can trust......you are blessed. Thank God for them!!

2009-03-12T20:33:00.002-05:00

So, how was your day today? I am tired. I had a good day, got a whole lot of stuff checked off of my list. That is always a good feeling at the end of the day. Lately I have been pondering the whole sad sad outlook on life that everybody seems to be pushing these days. It is down right aggravating when Christians get sucked into that mentality. Seriously, we represent Christ!! If we of all people don't have a different outlook, a different "hope", then something is wrong. People should be drawn to Christ and want what we have based on the difference they see in our attitude!! I don't understand how people who don't know Christ can get through this life without falling into depression. It is truly relaxing to me to know that God is in control. I don't need to worry about next weeks weather, or next weeks bills. I am not in "management", teehee, I am just in sales!! As I put one foot in front of the other, and walk this path, one day at a time, I have to constantly be on guard to ward off the devil who is constantly, walking to and fro, looking and seeking whom he might devour. What that really means, is that I will not let myself get sucked into the woe is me mentality! Life is not fair. Life is hard. So? I get really tired of hearing good Godly people, let themselves get sucked into "life", and get down on their circumstances. The Bible is full of people who had truly hard circumstances. Way worse than anything any of us have to deal with on a daily basis, yet they stayed focused on the One that could bring them through it with a better attitude than the next guy. Anytime you feel like your life sucks big time, stop by and visit a nursing home, or a hospital. I hate to keep harping on this, but you can truly make a difference in your mindset if you would accept the challenge of getting involved in a Bible Study! I mean a real Bible Study, with homework! I mean, think about it. How do you know if your kids are actually learning their school work? How do you know if they are actually able to apply what they are learning? They actually take pencil and paper and write something down?? Daily? That's called accountability. Look back in your life, and see if there is a time when you felt like you were actually making progress in your Christian walk, if what you were doing in your life made a difference for Christ. I mean, you should be able to ask yourself every morning, or every night, what did I do today that made a difference, because I was a Christian. Do I do anything different? Am I like everybody else in my daily activities? Am I making a difference for Christ? Do my kids see me living for Christ? Am I building up my husband? Do I actually make an effort to make him feel important in my life? Because, as Godly women, that is our calling. To build up our husbands, and make them feel loved and special is mandated by God. But in today's society, you won't find many people, many women who are willing to step out of the box, out of their comfort zone, and actually do hard things. If it makes them uncomfortable, forget it. They just are not going to commit to it. It's funny how so many will say they don't have time for this, or they don't have time for that, yet will make time for those things that don't matter at all in the grand scheme of things. Of course, this brings me back to re-evaluating the things in your life. When you are in the middle of a crisis, it seems that decisions can be made, maybe emotional ones, but still, people are quick to say "If I only knew, I would do this", or I would do that. Well, folks, we should be making those decisions anyway, right? I mean, if they are important enough at that moment, they are important! But, let the emotions fade, the crisis work out, fade into life, and the next thing you know, we are doing the same old same old. In the meantime, life is clicking away. We are wasting the precious moments in our life. What we are giving all our attention to, all our energies to, in the end, will be what validates our life. Let's all be challenged to make better choices, and make sure that what we are giving our energies to, is what really matters in the end. It's not about money. It's not about things. It's about relationships. Let's all, as Christians, challenge ourselves to make some body's life better, because we can. In the name of Christ! They are making a commercial now, that shows people helping each other, warning each other when something is about to happen. It ends with them saying when people do it, it is called character. When companies do it, it's called......(name of company). Make an effort to actually spend time with someone, have coffee, have pie! Build a relationship! Face to face relationships! We are people, and we need physical relationships, emotional relationships, and yes, spiritual relationships. Let's all make a conscious effort to listen to Christian music, Christian radio, get involved in a Bible Study that offers accountability to other Christians, one on one. Let's refuse to fall through the cracks at our churches, where no one is going to notice if we are not there, or worse, care if we are not there! God has created each of us with unique spiritual gifts. And I believe he places us in a particular church, because that church needs our spiritual gift. Are we using our gifts? Are we offering our gifts? Or, are we attending, anonymously, so we can fulfil our "duty". Are we involved in our congregation? Are we getting the support we need so that we can face this ungodly world feeling stronger because we have the support system of our fellow Christians at our local church? The Bible speaks of the ember that burns out when it is removed from the fire. There are way too many luke warm Christians out there. People are not willing to make a difference. People are just existing. Remember, choose JOY!!!! Make a definite, intentional choice to make a difference for Christ. Let the world know there is something different about you. You have hope! You have joy! You have Christ! And then be willing to share what it is that gives you that "edge". But, folks, lets give them something they would want!! Because, seriously, if we are not living it, showing it, we are failing Christ. Do they want what we have?? Then change that. If God can't make us happy, how can we tell others He can make them happy? How can we tell others how God can change their lives, if they are not seeing it happen in ours?

2009-03-11T22:58:00.002-05:00

This path the Lord has me on these days has caused me to re-evaluate my priorities. After what I have shared with others as the "phone call that changed my life", my choices have been more definite, more thought through, and definitely, less emotional. Because my dad was so involved with people all the time, he often would share that he was very selective about who he spent his "free" time with. I find myself becoming more and more like that. Something cancer does, like nothing else, is make you really look at everything you do in life. Really look at what you are doing, and why you are doing it. Is it worth your time? Is it worth your effort? As my family and I walk this path, the world seems to keep going on with their very busy lives. I remember feeling that same way when we were dealing with daddy and leukemia. I would end up at Wal-Mart at 10 o'clock at night, because it was the only time I had to go! And as I would be standing there in line, waiting at the check-out, I would find myself thinking, "all these people, going and doing, they don't have a clue what is going on in my life, or what crisis I am dealing with!" That has not changed today. In this fast paced society we live in, we go, we do, we are so busy, that we barely have time for relationships. A crisis always seems to make people slow down, ask questions, get involved, possibly form relationships. I have gotten lots of letters and cards, and phone calls from people who use to be part of my life. We use to talk often. We even got together once a month, at least, for coffee, or dinner! But then life took over, we got busy, and when you don't make time for relationships, you don't have relationships. As my one friend said, we have a "low maintenance relationship". It doesn't take much work for our relationship to remain strong and steady. We may not see each other for months, or even share a conversation for more than a month, but when we do find the time to talk, it is as if we talk daily. We have that kind of close relationship. I have noticed that in this society of technology, chats and emails have taken the place of real, REAL, conversation. In chats, there is no emotion, just the sharing of facts. Often, easily, things can be misinterpreted, because of the lack of emotion, or voice inflection. And, truthfully, one can actually be involved, sort of, in one's life, meaning, know what is going on in their life, the day to day things, without ever talking to them! Like Facebook, for instance. All I have to do is sign on every day, and know how the weather is in Colorado Springs, where my sister lives, even know what she is having for dinner, or that her garage door is broken! Or that my other sister's basement is flooded due to all the recent rain and storms they are having in the Chicago area. I can know when my niece has had a "misunderstanding" with her boyfriend. All of this can be accomplished without so much as a phone call. Without reaching out and "touching", as the commecials use to say. I do have one friend, you know who you are, who refuses to even get a FACEBOOK account for this reason. She says, she prefers conversation, old fashioned, using the phone, hearing a voice conversation. I agree with her for the most part. I prefer that myself! But, in order to even try and be involved in family that is scattered all across the country, I put up with.....technology. But, I freely admit, it leaves me wanting more. I want close personal relationships. My mom has been with her friends in Little Rock since March 2nd, when I took her down there. I am use to talking to my mom every day, twice a day. And I admit....I have missed her!! I miss the conversation with my mom. I was not able to call her for the first few days after my chemo, because my voice always gets very weak and barely audible. But once I got my voice back, I called her. She actually sounded glad to talk to me!! She laughed, and said she was having a great time! I then went a couple days and didn't call her. Thelma called me!! "Your mom says you haven't called and she was just wondering what your up to!" I laughed out loud! Routine is a good thing! I am supposed to drive down there and get mom on Saturday, and I can't wait! This was supposed to be a "break" for me, as some said, "take advantage of this time for yourself!", "get some rest". I miss my mom!!! I am glad she is having a good time, but I am equally glad that she will be home again, soon. I have not been able to go up there and clean her house, like I wanted to do for her before she got back home. I have not been able to go in her office and do the filing for her, like I wanted to do. But, those things are not as important as I once thought they were! It has become more important to me to just spend time with my mom. I enjoy sitting in the chair, watching Murder She Wrote with her, chatting about life in the small town we live in. Someone asked me this week, why I deleted such and such from my friend list on Facebook. I said, well, actually, I only got on there to keep up with my kiddos and their lives. And then, slowly, it grew into this person wants to be your friend, and this person wants to be your friend. Now I have like 170 "friends" that are not really friends! Meaning, young teens, pre-teens, daughters of friends, sons of friends, friends of friends! So, on one particular day that I signed on, and got umpteen status updates on what they all were doing, what group they were joining, I thought, this is so stupid. We have nothing in common, and I truly don't have time for this. I deleted them!! Several of them!! Don't take it personal if you were one that got deleted. Just ask yourself, when was the last time I actually talked to her anyway?? If you have not talked to me, or had coffee with me, or spent an evening at Steak N Shake with me, I am sure it is not going to be a great huge hole in your social life!! I just decided, there is a difference between "friends", and someone I know, vaguely. But, in the event it does bother you, and offends you in some way....call me, on the phone, and I will add you again!! LOL!! So there!! I have just decided that I want to surround myself with actual caring Christian people. People who know Christ, and will keep me accountable for what I do and what I say, and how I say it! I have never been one that holds to "fluff". Give me substance. Character matters to me. I want to see character. I want to see honesty. I don't care for "fake" friendships, or people who use people. I want to see respect return to our society. I still believe in the old ideals of women are to be treated with respect, and people should guard their language when in the presence of women and children. If they use "barn language" around me, it infers that they either don't respect me, or don't think I am a lady! Either one will get my dander up!! I am just an old fashioned kind of gal, I guess. I know that the company I keep, says something about who I am. So I am careful about who I spend time with, and the activities I spend my time involved in. I have been known to tell my kids, my teens, in the past, that if you listen to that angry music, it tends to make you angry! I don't have so much of a problem with that anymore, since they don't listen to angry music anymore, teehee. But, I do notice that when I get onto one of them, one of the teens, you can almost clock it, how quickly the radio gets turned on, and onto a certain station. Funny how that works. We use to say, in the computer world, "garbage in, garbage out". If you are angry, are discontent, you can always find a station that will feed that mindset. But, if you are a strong enough Christian to actually fight that, then you can find good solid music that will put you back in the right frame of mind. Be a thermostat!! Not a thermometer! You can set the mood of your day, just by the choices you make in the music you listen to. The radio station you listen to can make all the difference. Like I say, "happiness comes from outside circumstances, but joy....comes from the Lord!" Choose Joy!! Don't let Satan steal it away, in these days when so many are so quick to say over and over, "it's gonna get worse before it gets better!!" We belong to the Lord! If we truly put our faith and trust in God, then we have no right to go around down in the dumps, depressed, upset, anxious. I don't know what God has in store for me, but I do know that I trust HIM! So, I am not going to try and second guess what is up, or what is around the corner. I trust Him. So, whatever He has for me, I can put one foot in front of the other, and walk the path. The outcome doesn't matter.

2009-03-09T09:53:00.003-05:00

I know what to expect. I am already familiar with the "routine", but I still don't like how He is "making me lie down beside green pastures". I am grateful to look outside my window and actually see my pastures turning green! That is a welcome sight, no doubt. My husband is getting to work, and money is beginning to come in, slowly but surely. We were able to get the satellite turned back on, much to the delight of my husband. I don't really care for the television and all the "distraction" that it offers to my family, but it does seem to comfort my husband. When he is trying to plan out his jobs, it does help him to be able to call up the weather on all the different weather channels, from local to national, to help him make the difficult decisions on which job would be the best one to try and tackle in between the "chance of rain and showers" here and the radar that gives them a window opportunity wide enough to actually get something done over here. Hard decisions, no one else wants to make. The contractor wants it done, needs it done, yet is unwilling to "make the call", knowing that he doesn't want the responsibilities that go with "eating the mess" if they get rained on, once the concrete is poured out and on the ground. That would be the pressure of my husband's decisions these days. But, God has been good, and has been letting the phone ring, with jobs that can be done, in the small window of opportunities that God is providing. We will go from having nothing on the schedule, to a phone call, and suddenly, we have somewhere to go in the morning! Thank God!! We are not getting rich, but God is providing for our needs, as He has for so many years. That is the exercise of the faith muscle we have come to love. I truly love those God moments, where He does step in, step up, and remind us in the darkest moments that He is still watching over us, and yes, taking care of us. In this struggling economy, as the TV/radio/newspapers all like to constantly remind us, that we are all going to hell in a hand basket, and that it is going to "get worse before it gets better", gloom and doom, it is relaxing to have God gently remind us that He is still there, still on the throne, and yes, still in control of this world. I have called down to check on my mom, while she is in Little Rock, visiting with her friends. Mostly, I talk to Thelma or Martha, since this is the week after my chemo, and my voice is extremely weak. Mom picks up on that pretty quickly, and starts asking questions. Within an hour or so, I will get a phone call from Martha or Thelma to reassure me that mom is fine, and they have reassured her that I am fine. I am so grateful for those dear dear friends. Of course, this trip may be more of an eyeopener to them all, to allow them all to see how they are all a little "further down the road" than they thought they were. That they do need a little help from their family. I know that my mom went down there on a mission, "to talk Martha and Tom into moving back closer to her and Thelma, back to Missouri". But, now, I am thinking she has come to realize that they are not healthy enough to move again. Of course, she said she was also gonna work on Thelma, and work out a plan where they could take turns staying "a month at my house, then a month at her house". Of course, these are just mom's ideas and plans. I wonder how that plan is going over with Thelma? They are all pretty set in their ideas of "my house is paid for, and I want to stay in my home as long as I can by myself." That feeling of independence that they are clinging to. Funny how they all have that same mentality, yet want each other to change to come with them, so they won't be so lonely. I am sure God has a plan here, we will just have to wait and see how His plan plays out. That is the hardest part of all this. The waiting. Yesterday's sermon was on "Be still and wait". How hard, in this society of cell phones, ipods, tv's, radios, etc., how it was even possible to be still long enough, be quiet enough to even hear, much less recognize God's voice, when He was trying to get our attention. How we have a tendency to think God is not answering our prayers, or worse, ignoring our prayers, when in reality He is just waiting for us to be still enough to wait and listen for his answer or response. I have to admit, for me, these days, that is easier to do. This is a busy season for me, normally. Tax season. But, the Lord has a different plan for me these days. I find myself, waiting, for the strength, for the brain cells to talk to each other, waiting on the Lord. In the meantime, I am resting in the peace that God has a plan, and eventually, maybe, He will share it with me? I am trying to be patient.......Lord, truly I am.

2009-03-05T09:51:00.004-06:00

Hey there folks. I am back from Little Rock. I got to my house around 6:30 pm,Tuesday night. I was tired and had a fairly decent headache! Of course, I did not get away from Little Rock as early as I had previously anticipated. I knew we were not supposed to leave mom's early, because Ms. Thelma had a doctor's appointment in Cape at 1 pm. So, I made the appointment to get my suburban in for an oil change at 7am. While they had it in there, they found that it had a loose tie rod end, it needed to be fixed. Well, as long as it can be done and me out of here by 10am, ok. He assured me that it could be done, and made arrangements for the shuttle to run me over to mom's to help her pack for her 2 week trip. When I walked into mom's, she had her bag sitting in the chair, and said, she was done packing. The "bag" she had packed was her overnight bag, the one she uses for her bathroom items on her usual trips. I gently reminded her, "mom, you are going to be gone for 2 weeks, your going to need more than that." With surprise on her face, she said, "Two weeks!!?" So, I went down the hall, retrieved her suitcase and we began to pack her a bag with clothes. I got my pencil and pad of paper, and sat on the edge of her bed. I let mom pack her own bag, while I write down everything she actually puts in the bag. That way, when she gets distracted, and says, did I put any socks in there? I can answer her, and tell her exactly how many pairs, and the colors! LOL! Not to mention, I can remind her that she now has 13 shirts packed, but only 2 pair of jeans, or pants. We finally got the suitcase packed. But still had time to spare. Mom was anxious, and kept asking about my car, and when they were gonna have it done. I kept reassuring her that they told me it was no problem, and they would have it done in plenty of time. I kept reassuring her that we didn't need to leave here before noon, because of Thelma's doctor appointment. They finally called with my car, and sent the shuttle to pick me up. I got my car, and went back to mom's to load her bags in and we sat down to drink some coffee and kill some time. But, mom was too anxious. So, I ask her if she needed to go by the bank and get some money for the trip, or have any deposits to be made. She looked in her purse, and found the rent check from February, that she had not deposited, so we decided to go ahead and leave and head to the bank. We locked all the doors, turned off the coffee pot, turned down the furnace, and out the door we went. We went to the bank, and once that was done, we headed south, at 11 am. Needless to say, we were in Cape at noon. I asked mom, if because we still were way ahead of schedule, would you like to go eat lunch, sit in a restaurant somewhere in Cape while we wait on Thelma, or walk around Sam's? She chose Sam's, so in we went. We were just meandering around Sam's, when once she had gotten some bananas, she said, we need to get back towards the front, and get on the road (it was 11:25). Nevertheless, we headed to the check out and paid for the stuff, and got back in the car. We were about to Sikeston, when we got a call from Thelma, asking where we were. I told her we were about 20 minutes from Portageville. She said, well I am just now leaving Cape! I reassured her, that we would go to McDonald's there in Portageville, and eat some lunch, and wait there until she called us. She said, she still had to drop off her friend, Sue Neal that went with her, and they ate lunch before her appointment, so that was a good plan. Mom and I sat at McD's until 2 or so. Again, mom was anxious, kept saying, well, Thelma, where are you?? So, I cleaned up the mess, and said, let's go drive around P'ville, mom, see what's changed. So, we drove down main street, past the old house, and then before we could make a turn, Thelma called and said she was at home. So, we turned at the next corner, and made our way back to Thelma's house. By the time, we got her bags loaded, and all of us back in the car, it was 2:45. So, we were south bound and down!! We stopped for fuel once, and Thelma flipped out her credit card, and said, she was paying for the fuel! We fueled up, and got back on the road. We pulled into Martha's driveway at 6 pm. Martha had a big pot of soup on the stove, and we put together some tuna salad and before you know it, we were all sitting around the table. Pam, Martha's daughter and her husband came in, but didn't stay for supper. She just basically said, she was just getting off work, and wanted to go take a shower, and she would see me later, and come on over as soon as I got them settled in. After we were done with supper, Tom asked me to look at his computer for him, he was unable to get into his email room. So, as I was back in the computer room working with Mr. Tom on his computer, I heard the ladies scream, "MARTHA!!". I went running back into the kitchen to see what was going on! Martha had the door to the dishwasher open, and went to step back and fell over it! Smacked her head hard on the tile floor. She said she just wanted to lay there until the pain stopped. I got something to stick under her head, and felt around....no blood, thank God! But, yea, a goose egg on her head. But she seemed to be okay, so I let her lay there for a few minutes. Once she seemed to be laughing and re-telling the story, I got a chair from the kitchen table, for her to lean on, and use as leverage to get up on, and sit down on. She then did that, and sat in the chair for another 10 minutes or so. Eventually she was up and walking around, and we were all laughing about the whole ordeal. She said, "Debi, how did you know I had fallen?" I told her I felt the earthquake! We all laughed, and then I told her I heard everyone scream! Of course, Tom being hard of hearing had not even heard any of that, nor had he heard me say why I had run out of the room! LOL! He was still sitting back in the computer room, unaware of what was going on in the kitchen! Pam is going to have her hands full these next two weeks with this crew to watch over! Mom is convinced she is going to convince Tom and Martha to move closer to her and Thelma. Tom says the next move he makes will be to the cemetery. I told mom they all have the same feelings you have! "This is my home, it is paid for, and I want to stay here!" Mom says, well, I am going to talk to Thelma about taking turns, a month at my house, a month at your house. I said, give it your best shot, mom! Sounds like a plan! I am sure by the end of this 2 week watching how far they have come down this road of life, they will definitely have a different perspective on how much help they all need. I had made contact with my Aunt Roxene while down there, and was able to meet up with her at a gas station of her choice, that was within 2 blocks from Martha's, so I met her there at 8:30am and picked her up and took her back to Martha's and she got to have muffins and coffee with us! After about an hour, I told them I needed to get back on the road, I had miles to go before I slept. I dropped off Roxene at her car, and got on the road about 9:45 or so. I arrived in Memphis right about noon. I was supposed to have lunch with Janice and Johnna Bell. I pulled into Janice's drive way about 12:30 or so. We had a wonderful visit, some yum vegetable soup and ice tea! I got back on the road around 2 or so. I took one wrong turn getting out of Memphis, which cost me about 30 minutes. I got on east instead of west, and when I passed Bellevue Baptist Church, I knew I was going the wrong way! I turned around in their parking lot, and headed back west. Before you know it, I was headed toward West Memphis, and saw the familiar exits I knew I needed. I stopped in Blytheville for more fuel, and picked up some sandwiches from the Dixie Pig. "You can't stop in Blytheville without stopping at the Dixie Pig!!" By the time I got home, I was one tired chick. Pam and I had stayed up until midnight talking!! And I was up in time to leave when she left for work at 7:30am. We were talking about kids, and our upbringing, how our parents were when we were dating, how we had turned out, how our kids were today, how our parents were today, etc. Good stuff..... Lots of talk about our paths we were walking, and how we don't get to choose our path. God does that. All he asks from us is that we keep our eyes focused on Him, and keep walking, one foot in front of the other. Most of the Bible talks about the saints that were in prisoned and tortured. None of them would have chosen that path in serving and following the Lord. Yet, they did not lose their faith!! Their trials made them stronger and better......not bitter! So, as long as we keep that in our mind, in the front of our mind, we can stay focused on the One in charge of what comes across our path, we can keep our joy. Happiness is different than joy. Happiness is effected by outside circumstances, joy is not. Joy comes from within.....or above. People keep telling me to focus on myself, I need to not be stressed. Well, yea, whatever. I have a self employed husband, that these days, is not employed at all!! That is stress. I have teenagers.....that is stress, daily. I have mom. I have breast cancer. I can't eliminate stress, but I can re-focus. My stress relief comes from God. He is still in charge.

2009-03-01T20:04:00.002-06:00

I have an appointment to get my oil changed in the morning at 7am. I plan on being there by 6:30 am, which is the time the service department opens. I want to be the first car in! You see, I am leaving in the morning for another road trip with my mom. Her friends, Thelma that lives in Portageville, and Martha that used to live in Portageville, (back when mom also lived in Portageville), but now lives in Little Rock, have planned this trip. Martha will be coming to Portageville on March 14th. So she decided that now would be a good time for me to bring mom and Thelma to visit her. That way, I would only have to make one trip to Little Rock. When she first called, she was asking if I could bring Thelma and mom on March 8th. That way, they could have a week before her trip to Missouri. Of course, I go for my next chemo on March 4th, so I told her, that won't work for me. I told her, I may could do it before March 4th, but that would mean she has company for 2 weeks. She agreed that would work for her! I said, you call and run it by Thelma and mom, and if they agree, then I'm game. When Martha called me back, she said she had talked to them both and they were both excited! The next time I was up at mom's, she told me Martha had called her, and she proceeded to tell me all about the conversation. She never mentioned a trip! I asked her, mom did Martha mention you coming for a visit? "No, she never mentioned it." Great..... Well, she called me and asked me to drive you down, pick up Thelma, and bring you both to visit her. She told me she had discussed it with you, and you and Thelma had agreed. "Well, I don't remember that." Wonderful. I sat there, and mom began to ask when we were supposed to go, how long we were supposed to stay, etc. I told her what I knew. And, she agreed to all the plans. The only difference is, now, in mom's mind, it's a trip I planned. The other day, when I was up there to work on mom's taxes, mom and I were back in her office, looking for the "important tax documents". Mom kept saying how I didn't need to be working on this now, it is only February, and I just need to put hers to the side, until she could get back there and find everything, get it all together on a day when she has a clear mind. I am working on it, because I know my good days are limited. But I can't tell mom that. While we were back there, the phone rings, and it is my sister, Beck. Thank God!! A distraction for mom. Mom goes in the living room to answer the phone, and sits down to talk to Beck. I keep working, sorting through all the mail, looking for documents I need. While I am in there, I hear my mom telling my sister, "Deb just makes these plans, plans this trip, doesn't even ask me if I want to go, just tells me where I am going, and when. Now don't you go and repeat me." Hello!! I am in the office! I can hear you!! But I kept working, grateful for the distraction, and didn't say a word. While I was in there, I found some bills that should have been paid, but weren't. I gathered them up, and once mom was off the phone, carried them in there for her to write out the checks, and we put them in the mail. Mom gets rattled when she is pushed in any way, and folks, I was pushing. She didn't want me messing in her office, and she certainly didn't want me to tell her these bills were late, and needed to be paid.....today. So, yea, on that day, I was not one of her favorite people. And of course, my sister picked up on the fact that mom was having an "off day". I did call her later and explain that I was there, and I was rattling her, and that I was the reason she was having an off day. Give her a day or two, call her again, and she will be fine. But, in planning this trip to Little Rock, she said to me, "we are taking your car, right?" I said, mom, why, this is your trip. Your car gets better gas mileage. And besides, whenever I take my car, as I have for more than one of our trips, she never even offered to pay for the gas. But, if we take her car, she will offer. With things being so tight around here, I can't afford this trip! I am doing this for mom and Thelma. I don't mind to drive them down there, but I don't think my husband should pay for it. But after several arguments with mom, I have given up. I am taking my vehicle. Once she has her mind made up, there ain't no changing it!! As soon as they are done changing the oil in my burb, we will head down to Portageville, pick up Thelma, and head to Little Rock, Arkansas. We hope to be there in time for supper. I will then drop Thelma and mom off at Martha's, and I will go over to Martha's daughter's house to spend the night. I will get up early next morning, since Pam works, and head back north. I will arrive back home on Tuesday afternoon, just in time for my chemo on Wednesday!! This will be my last round of FEC. I will start my second ARM of chemo on March 25th. That is when I start my weekly treatments of Paxol and Herceptin. This is the clinical trial portion of the treatments. They have used both of these drugs to treat breast cancer, just not together. That is the trial. So, the weekly schedule will be so they can monitor me closer?? I do have to have another heart scan to make sure that all the previous chemo has not damaged my heart in any way, and to reassure the docs that I am still healthy enough to withstand this next round of treatments. There is no way to tell how I am going to respond to these different drugs. No way to predict how the side effects will be. So far, this thing has been doable. The every 21 days has been ok. The first week is hard. The second week is easier. Then the third week is great! Then we go back and start over again. How will I be with weekly treatments?? I don't have a clue. But that is part of the reason why I am pushing to get the tax returns done. I may only have until March 25th. Who knows how I will feel after that? My weekly treatments will continue for 12 weeks, finishing up around June 10th. They have told me that is when we will do surgery, the mastectomy, regardless of what my tests show. Even if all my tests and biopsies come back clear, we will still do surgery. When I go this Wednesday, I will ask them to be more specific about the surgery date. I do have a life outside of this cancer. That life does include other responsibilities, and part of that is my mom. If I am to have major surgery, I am going to need some help with mom. June is not gonna work out for me. I am going to ask if we can move it into July. But, of course, I will listen to the advice of my doctors. But I am going to share with them my other responsibilities. I am so grateful for all of you prayer warriors that are praying for me. I am so grateful for all the cards and letters I am receiving on a daily basis. My church family from Calvary Temple has been so supportive of us down here. My friends have been so supportive and helpful with my mom. Again, thanks guys, I couldn't do all this without all your help and support. Thanks for the food that has been provided for my family. You guys have all been so wonderful. Pray for me as I leave in the morning to drive my mom to Little Rock. It started out that my husband was going with me, but with work being so sporadic now days, I have finally convinced him that I can do this without him. He is going to stay here and work. We need him to work! We need the money!! I will be driving back by myself. A nice long, quiet drive. I think I will enjoy the peace and quiet.

2009-02-20T09:19:00.002-06:00

Good morning people! I finally feel as though I have crawled up out of the hole!! It still amazes me each and every time the difference a day makes. Wednesday, I was still feeling very blah. I still got up, did what I needed to do, but just wasn't "feeling it". Thursday, yesterday, was totally different. I knew when I woke up, something was different!! I had some energy! I didn't feel "blah"! Thank you Lord!!

I have been dealing with some family issues this week, so I was talking to the Lord, asking Him to give me some verse of scripture, some chapter, some passage, anything to help me deal with the emotions of all this. I grabbed my study bible, and began to flip through it. I have several books, listen to several radio preacher/teachers, but when I am wanting something fresh, something NOW, I always grab my Bible, and flip and flip and flip, until the Lord talks to me! And once the Lord gave me the verse, of course, it was perfect for the situation, and the peace just flooded my soul. Thank you Lord. The particular study bible I was flipping through was the perfect one I needed at the time. The King James version reads "Him that is weak in the faith receive ye, but not to doubtful disputations." That was not the one I was flipping through when I needed something that applied to this situation. My study bible that I was flipping through read, "Now accept the one who is weak in faith, but not for the purpose of passing judgment on his opinions." Yea, that applies, and yea, that caught my attention. Because that is what we were dealing with this week, "opinions". And, more importantly, "opinions of someone who is weak in faith"! So, the peace came flooding in. I love those God moments in my life. That of course, led me to opportunities to share the verse as well as the God moment with others. This past couple of weeks I have had several opportunities to discuss with other Christian mothers about the "expectations" we have for our children. We make all the sacrifices, our free time, (?), our money, our energy, whatever, making sure our children are involved in this or that activity, because in our mind, it will be good for them. And yet, as they grow up, become young adults, leave our jurisdiction, they are not making good choices, not living Godly lives. As we look at them, and get all analytical, we can see slight hand prints of our teachings, our moldings. But, over all, they are mostly spreading their wings, exercising their new found "freedom to do whatever I want, no rules, no authority!" It is hard for us as parents to watch, but necessary in their growth, as well as their character development. Our own faith is what it is, because of that fiery furnace of life, is it not? I have told my kids time and time again, the difference between wisdom and experience. Most kids want the experience. They want to do it themselves, whatever the consequences. I have also reminded them, the consequences are not their choices. They may get to make the decisions, but the consequences are not their choice. They just are. Which is why it is so important to make good choices. Sometimes the consequences will follow you the rest of your life. That is where the wisdom comes into play. When you watch others, see the bad choices, and see the bad consequences that were the result of the choices, you should pay attention. Usually these consequences now play a big part in their daily lives. If you learn from their mistakes, and it helps you make better choices......that is WISDOM. But most often, young adults don't use wisdom. They use experiences and consequences. That is painful for parents to watch. But with much prayer, and pleading, we are able to turn it all over to God, and let God be God in their lives. We, as parents, cannot be the holy spirit for them. I claim the verse, the promise, train them up in the way they should go, when they are old, they will not depart from it. I tell myself daily, they are not old!! But, what I see alot, is what we do pass on to our children. It seems that we do it without even thinking about it. Whatever is our "passion", our kids seem to pick up on. As I have been listening to my daddy's dvds this week, he called it what it was, our god. Whatever it is that we devote all our our energy, time, talents to. That is what is god in our life. That is what our kids pick up on more than what we are trying to teach. You have all heard the "it's caught more than taught" saying. If we love shopping, our girls grow up love shopping. If we love football, volleyball, etc., our kids grow up loving sports, and watching sports, and playing sports. If we love hunting, our kids grow up loving hunting. Why is that so easy to pass on, yet Godly, christian values, are hard. Teaching them to be honest is hard? Teaching them to manage money wisely is hard? Teaching them to work hard, as unto the Lord is hard. It sure makes you think, don't it? I heard a man say once, that he wanted his son to go to a certain college. Yet he never said so. He just raised his son, took him to all the games that college had. Always watched that college play on tv. Always wore that college logo on all his stuff. When his son got ready to go to college. Guess where his son wanted to go? Yea, that's the point. His dad "shalt talk of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, and when thou liest down, and when thou risest up." (Deuteronomy 6:7). What are the parents that are producing strong kids, able to live the Christian life, even in this un-godly world doing different from us???? I am thinking, they are showing them their passion is not sports, hunting, shopping, palm trees, the beach, rodeo, volleyball, college, education, money, etc. They are slowly, diligently, living a Christlike life, daily leaning and trusting God to provide their needs, showing contentment in the life God has given them. Living their faith. Not buying into the fear that everyone else out there is sharing. This economy, that bank closing, this company laying off another 5000. Yes, times are tough. But, our faith is not in Wall Street. Our faith is not, ok, should not, be affected by any of that. That is what our kids "catch". What stresses us. What makes us happy. When they told me I had cancer, I knew how my kids would react, or at least how I thought they would. But then, God touched my heart. Your kids will react to this news, based on how you react to this news. And, you know what? My kids have been wonderful. They are so supportive. They are helping. But they are not moping, crying, telling others, "my mom is dying of cancer". One lady from my church told me, "I asked your daughter how you were doing, and she said, she's doing great!! She looks great in her wig! She is just being mom!! You wouldn't even know she has cancer, except for the week or so that she is laying in her room!" It made me smile, it did. Thank you God for allowing me to be "normal" to my kids. That this has not put this whole gloom and doom curtain over my family. We are continuing to walk this path, even though it is hard, it is still the path before us. All of us are walking a path that God has given us. We are all at different places on the path. Every now and then, look around. Smile at the others that are trying just as hard as you, to walk the path God has before them. You don't know what is in their heart. You don't know what they are dealing with. You don't even know how long they have been on the path. Just share the path, and encourage, lift each other up, and lets all show the world, that we as Christians can do this without stressing out daily, having a melt down daily, or believing the media when they try and scare us. Keith says, when I look down the road, and start thinking, "what is it going to be like in March?", I get depressed and scared. But if I stay focused on today, this is the day the Lord has given me, I do better!!! So there you have it folks....wisdom from my husband!! Stay focused!! Keep it focused on the Lord, because He is watching you, even when you don't feel it.

2009-02-17T22:19:00.002-06:00

This morning, I got up, showered, and went downstairs and turned on my radio....my normal routine. Every day, I am trying to re-claim my energy. Keith says he has noticed that with each new treatment, it doesn't hit me as hard, but it does seem to "linger" longer. I think I agree with him. Usually, when I have my treatment on Wednesday, by Monday, I am up to driving a car. Yesterday, no way was I up to driving a car. My monthly home school support group meeting was last nite. And normally, I would have driven up there and joined my girlfriends for my monthly night out. But yesterday, I could just tell, my energy level was not there. My "energy bank" was low. This morning, I was trying to push the envelope so to speak. I have read on-line that you have more energy if you get up and force yourself to walk or be active. So, I was doing just that. I was downstairs, delegating the kiddos through their morning routine chores of feeding and breakfast clean up chores. And of course, was listening to my regular preachers in the background. Around, say 10 o'clock, Keith called to see how my day was going. I told him I was doing ok, and felt better today. He said, "good, because I need you to do something for me, if you are up to it." He had blown the hydraulic line on his skid steer, and needed some specific tools to fix it. So, after listening to what he needed and where they were, I again delegated that info to the boys to go load in my burb. And, ready or not, got in my car and drove 42 miles to his job site. Once there, he unloaded the tools, thanked me, and I then drove to mom's to hang with her for the day. Of course, by then, it was lunch time, so I called her and asked her what her lunch plans were. She said, she would put a pizza in, come on by. I stopped at the bottom of the hill and picked up some drinks and a salad for us to split, to add to the pizza. After lunch, we popped in a dvd of daddy and began to watch it. Mom did great, as she commented on the crowd at the church "back then", and the different people she saw in the crowd. As we were enjoying those moments, Janet Goodwin knocked on the back door. She came in and joined our "church service". Then, within 15 minutes or so, my daughter, Kelly, came walking in the door as well. We all sat and visited for a good 2 hours or so. It was a good afternoon. Around 3 or so, Janet said she had to go pick up her grandson, so she left. Kelly followed her out, at the same time. I started getting my stuff together to leave as well, and mom gave me several things to "take to the farm animals". On the way home, I was pondering the afternoon. It never fails to amaze me how good God is. I enjoyed watching mom tell Janet about her drive over to House Springs on Sunday, "all by myself". She then went in to telling her how she felt she was beginning to accept this path the Lord had her on, and if she was going to go anywhere and do anything, she was going to have to be willing to do it herself, even if it was hard to do. My momma does have early stages Alzheimer's, yes, she has memory issues, but for the most part, she is still a very strong woman, with a very strong will. We sat there this afternoon, and she was telling us how Martha had called and invited her down there to stay for 2 weeks, and that Thelma had called and basically put this road trip together. Then she turned to me and said, "we are taking your car, right?" I laughed out loud!! I'll let you know how that turns out. But the plan, today, is to take mom to Portageville, pick up Thelma, and drive them both down to Little Rock on March 2nd. I will spend the night, and then on the 3rd, I will leave them both there and drive back home. On March 4th, is my next treatment of chemo. It is also my last treatment of these particular drugs, FEC. Twenty one days after that, March 25th, I start my weekly treatments with two different drugs, Paclitaxol and Herceptin. I do that weekly for 12 weeks. Everything I read on line says those two drugs together have a whole different set of side effects. So, folks, I am praying now, and would like very much for all you to as well. I don't mind side effects, but just want them to be "doable". But, I am willing to take whatever it has to offer. (Like I have a choice....) So far, the nausea has been controlled by the drugs. The most annoying thing, as I have shared before is this extreme fatigue. The general overall feeling of "blaaaahhhh". But, the silver lining to this cloud, is the patience I have with the kids. I find myself taking more time to explain things, the "heart of the matter" so to speak. Today, we had another of our heart to heart talks about how God looks at your heart, not just your actions. God cares as much if not more about the WHY you are doing what you are doing, than He does the fact that you are doing it. So don't camp out and dwell on the fact that "at least I am doing it". We need to have joy. Emotions are a misleading thing. We can't let our emotions decide how we respond to external influences. A favorite quote around here is "be a thermostat, not a thermometer!" But, I am extremely grateful that I have the opportunity to spend the time with my kids that I do. Some days I appreciate that opportunity more than others. I pray that I do not take that for granted anymore, and that God will continue to help me lead these kids towards a life of loving and serving Jesus. But more importantly, God will continue to use me, and help me to understand that the results are in HIS very capable hands. I actually pulled a book off of my bookshelf this evening that I had not read in a very long time. But, the Lord put it on my heart, and I went looking for it this evening. It was a bible study I did many many years ago. I had written inside the front cover, the date we actually did that Bible Study....1990! Yea, folks, that's going back a few years. But the name of the book is called, "Lord, Change Me". It is by Evelyn Christenson. It was a very very good bible study. The Lord used it way back then, to teach me to stop praying the Lord would change my husband, or my kids, or my situation, or whatever, and change ME! It was a powerful study. It helped me to see that my joy was directly related to how much time I spent in the word. And if I had no joy in my daily life, I wasn't very pleasant to be around. People just don't want to be around negative people. If we are to be Christ to those around us, we need to have joy!! Otherwise, why would they want what we have? So, the challenge here is, get in the WORD!! The more time spent reading God's word, the more it shows up in our attitude, our spirit, our daily lives. The Bible says, "they will know we are Christians by our love." Lord, help me to make these choices, daily......LOVE, JOY, PEACE, CONTENTMENT. Help me to be a thermostat, not a thermometer!!

2009-02-16T08:45:00.002-06:00

The words to this song, has touched me many times, and always seems to remind me who gets me through life. Since my strength is not up to par, and neither is my mind these days, I decided to just share the words of this song today. As I was listening to it again this morning, it touched me yet again. Enjoy. "The Anchor Holds"
"I have journeyed Through the long dark night
Out on the open sea By faith alone Sight unknown
And yet His eyes were watching me,
The anchor holds, Though the ship is battered, The anchor holds
Though the sails are torn
I have fallen on my knees, As I faced the raging seas
The anchor holds, In spite of the storm
I’ve had visions, I’ve had dreams
I’ve even held them in my hand
But I never knew They would slip right through
Like they were only grains of sand
The anchor holds Though the ship is battered The anchor holds
Though the sails are torn I have fallen on my knees
As I faced the raging seas The anchor holds In spite of the storm
I have been young But I am older now
And there has been beauty these eyes have seen
But it was in the night Through the storms of my life
Oh, that’s where God provedHis love to me
The anchor holds Though the ship is battered
The anchor holds Though the sails are torn
I have fallen on my knees As I faced the raging seas
The anchor holds ...In spite of the storm